8 year old child's behavior worse at my moms and family gatherings

[DinerBlue]

Hi everyone,

I've been reading this forum for a while but haven't posted yet. My 8-year old son has not been diagnosed with ADHD yet, but I'm certain he has it. I worked in special ed for 10 years and I recognize many symptoms. I also took the Vanderbilt and he presented with combined type, anxiety and ODD. His teacher has called and said he really struggles to organize himself and stay focused at school. It's 3rd grade and the expectations have increased a lot. We have an appointment with his pediatrician to begin the initial evaluation for it in a few weeks.

I'm writing today because I'm wondering if other people have experienced the following: every time we go to my mother's house (or any family gathering really) his behavior seems to dramatically worsen. He becomes really hyper and attention-seeking. He's loud, obnoxious, rude, and it's so frustrating for me - and I know it's mostly my problem - because I can tell my mother and family are judging both him and me, and I'm embarrassed and frustrated by his behavior. My mom always passively makes comments about my parenting (essentially I let him "get away" with too much). And she's relentlessly micromanaging him (stop doing that, sit down, put your legs down at the table, don't interrupt, stop putting the stuffies on the floor....) It's exhausting for me, and I know it's exhausting for him too.

But I end up taking my frustration out on him when we get in the car afterwards. I yell and ask him why he just can't behave. I tell him he's embarrassed and frustrated me. Then I blame it on all the sugar he eats. Last night I said I was throwing out all his halloween candy that he got so far. He feels bad and cries and says sorry and needs a hug from me - which I always give. And then my enormous guilt sets in that I over-reacted. I feel terrible and mad at myself. I know I've made the situation worse, and I realize he probably can't help it when he's overstimulated by seeing family. It feels like we're in this endless cycle of him misbehaving, me getting upset, both of us crying, and promising we'll get better at communication. When we got home last night he took it upon himself to throw out all his halloween candy without me asking him to. And now I feel bad about that.

I'm crying right now because I feel like I keep failing when I get frustrated. I also want to completely avoid going to my mom's and family events because I want to avoid this constantly happening. I've spoken to my mom many times. I've told her that I feel like she's too corrective of him constantly, and that she's always judging him, and he's not going to meet her expectations for "perfect " behavior (she had 3 girls and was a school librarian for 30 years, so she expects kids to sit and behave and be seen and not heard). I've told her he prob has ADHD. I feel like having the formal diagnosis will give me a reason to "explain" to everyone why he acts they way he does. ...like an excuse of some sort. Which feels bad too...

Ugggggggggh

[MNmom99]

hi there, we’ve been there my son is just about nine also has ADHD bringing him to family events would increase my anxiety just knowing that some of the behaviors are looked down upon or that we might be looked at being judged our parents seem to be from a different era many older folks just don’t understand ADHD even younger folks don’t seem to really get it unless they have a child of their own they’ve kind of been forced to learn about it. At one of my sons meltdowns a while ago my mom asked me have you ever spanked him? All I could think of was how that is probably been the furthest thing he needed the furthest thing that would help him I ignore the comments and sometimes just stay out of those type of situations with family and have really distanced myself which maybe isn’t the best thing because this is alienating and it’s important to have support and be around loved ones but at what cost? it really sucks it has been a lot of up-and-down helping him a lot of trial and error with medication and therapies but we’re not giving up. You mention Halloween candy it’s funny you bring that up I just made a post about Halloween candy and a situation yesterday a lot of those candies (skittles, air heads, sour patch) specifically the artificial colors yellow red blue dies that are in candy gummy etc. can give kiddos an extreme reaction after eating them I know it happens for our son and he’s at the point now where he pretty much knows what candy he can and can’t have chocolate overall is pretty safe minus all the sugar in it my heart breaks for you and your kiddo because I know the guilt and the cycle of hurt anger frustration repeat it’s not easy my heart goes out to you hopefully with the help from your pediatrician and the additional therapies or medication’s if their prescribed will help moving forward hang in there I know it’s tough.

[DinerBlue in reply to MNmom99]

MNmom99 Thank you so much for replying. It means a lot to hear and know that other families are experiencing this. He's such an awesome special kid and I hate feeling like I'm breaking him by my inability to cope. I know I need some help and therapy too.

And I had just read your post about Halloween candy. Thank you! I keep reading so much about the problem with the dyes in candy and food. I was relentless about "organic-only-everything" until Halloween when he was 3. We let him eat candy for the first time - and it was OVER. It was so cute seeing how much joy it gave him to eat it. But I completely regret breaking the seal because there was no going back!

I'm constantly trying to limit his intake - but his dad is much more lenient. He grew up on fast food and junk food and "he turned out ok" - according to him. So when I'm trying to say no to soda, his dad will be like - it's just one cup - it won't hurt. I keep trying to explain to my son, too - like tell him the science how it's not good for his brain and body - and I think that's also why he threw out his candy last night. He knows that it has a negative effect on him and he doesn't like the residual consequences. But the problem is - in the moment, when he's craving it - he won't take no for an answer. And it turns into - what a mean mother I am and how I only ever say no to him about everything. I know I have to just keep being persistent and not let up. The processed sugar and dyes are really bad. My son is just so picky with snacks; thankfully he likes fruits and veggies, and getting more into nuts. But he still wants all the fruit snacks, apple sauce pouches, etc too.

[Willowbee37]

I dealt with this with my son as well. He is likely overstimulated and acting out. Hes also probably nervous at this point cause he knows how things will play out or that he will be constantly corrected there. Some things that helped us were getting the extra energy out before you go to families house. A run around the block and having him lift some heavier things around is helpful. An indoor trampoline and set a timer and see how many times he can jump in 1 minute. Have you tried medication?

My dad use to correct my son constantly, and I get it, he raised 4 girls. He isn’t use to this. I had to talk to him and tell him we need to pick our battles and if he cannot do that I won’t come around cause my son always felt terrible when we left.

Sounds like it’s time for a formal diagnosis and therapy/medication. It’s a process but it’s absolutely worth sticking out. This is typically the age it happens at cause symptoms become unmanageable as they get older and interfere with friends and school and family. You’re there.

I completely sympathize with you. It’s hard. Medication isn’t a magic pill but it’s the gold standard treatment for adhd. Hopefully this helps and know you certainly are not alone in this!!!!

[DinerBlue in reply to Willowbee37]

Willowbee37 Thanks for the reply! We will try getting his energy out in advance next time we have a family event! Good tip I have been hoping that things will just "work out", especially since it didn't seem to be affecting school. But now that the teacher has called, and is noticing his challenges, it's definitely time for the diagnosis. I know it's going to be a long process, but I really want to get him the support he needs.

[WYMom]

My kids have an issue with proper greetings and goodbyes so I prep them. In the car on the way there we practice greetings. Then I remind them to say goodbye and we practice those too. It helps .

[DinerBlue]

WYMom Good idea. I remind him to practice eye contact and try to respond to questions people ask him, too, but he struggles with both.

[LAJ12345]

I have a 21 year old boy that was just like that. We felt he was always deliberately trying to annoy everyone. As a teenager he played up a lot and crashed out of School in the last year, got into drugs, played up.

I eventually put him on micronutrients Hardys den) and we completely changed diet to wholefoods no additives Mediterranean diet. No sugar or highly processed food or seed oils. Diet was for my husband as he got Parkinsons. My son started uni 2 years late doing psychology so he is very interested in why his brain is like it is.

For him exercise is essential. He kicks a ball into a wall and runs, plays football. He struggles to do focus on reading but we found rhodiola rosea and he takes that and it like a light has come on. Also fishoil.

He doing well at uni now but has had some meltdowns where he freezes and can't function. It is when he is stressed and overwhelmed. So he has to plan and he is doing less subjects and have lots of breaks to kick a ball.

[LAJ12345]

I have a 21 year old boy that was just like that. We felt he was always deliberately trying to annoy everyone. As a teenager he played up a lot and crashed out of School in the last year, got into drugs, played up.

I eventually put him on micronutrients Hardys den) and we completely changed diet to wholefoods no additives Mediterranean diet. No sugar or highly processed food or seed oils. Diet was for my husband as he got Parkinsons. My son started uni 2 years late doing psychology so he is very interested in why his brain is like it is.

For him exercise is essential. He kicks a ball into a wall and runs, plays football. He struggles to do focus on reading but we found rhodiola rosea and he takes that and it like a light has come on. Also fishoil.

He doing well at uni now but has had some meltdowns where he freezes and can't function. It is when he is stressed and overwhelmed. So he has to plan and he is doing less subjects and have lots of breaks to kick a ball.

[KindHeart23]

I FEEL you!!! A lot of behaviors you’ve described my 5 year old has. We already know he has ADHD. We are going to start on the meds just in a few days. The same as with your son social settings make our son go crazier. Non stop attention seeking, super hyper, taking off ( if we are outside in a crowd) without saying anything to us, being loud, not respecting other people’s personal space. Everything you wrote I can see in our son. My immediate family’s abroad and my husband has his mom so she is the only grand parent around. Her other son (my husband’s brother) had serious ADD back in the 70s and she went through a lot with him so at least I’m grateful she understands what we’ve been dealing with … however, the rest is as difficult. And I feel like I live with guilt now bc it’s gotten so intense over the last month. Every day is difficult. We end up losing our patience and raising our voices/screaming bc it is SOOOOO challenging to stay calm while he keeps testing us along with not being able to control a lot of his behaviors. It’s been really tough. I hope the medication will help bc otherwise he IS NOT ABLE to regulate hopped and it’s starting to affect him in pretty much every setting of his life… and I do feel guilty a lot bc I feel like im not being patient enough with him when he is in those weird ADHD moments,.. we do try to avoid some social settings just bc it ends up being too stressful for all of us…you are not alone… sending you a big big hug!!!