13yo Teen Help

[thisADHDmum1]

Our 13yo son has increasingly become aggressive mainly over device boundaries, throwing and breaking things, slamming doors and breaking door jams in the process. He’s increasingly disconnected from the family, impulsive and engaging in behaviors such as staying out till the week hours of the mornings on weekends (we live in the UAE so is extremely safe in our community), recently has started vaping and is very oppositional. At school he’s generally well behaved and is getting by but not reaching his full potential, we have sought help in the past from play therapy when he was younger, and he was seeing a psychologist until earlier this year when he then shut down and refused to attend sessions. Currently he’s only seeing a psychiatrist to monitor his Concerta medication. He was on Aripriprazol (antipsychotic) but he stopped as he did not like the side effects in the way it made him feel). We are having huge difficulty parenting him, my husband especially. My husband says just to let him do whatever. He’s had difficulty in the past spending time with our boys but is trying to connected to no avail. All our son sees is the expectations we have on him. I have had difficulty in the past setting firm boundaries as I focussed on gentle parenting.

We have no idea what to do now. We are constantly walking on eggshells, stressed, tired, worried and upset. Any ideas would be so appreciated.

[MomofBelovedDaughter]

Hi, fellow mom. I don't know how helpful I can be, but I can share what I know and my experience. Feel free to take or leave My daughter is 19 with ADHD. I've recently been watching World's Strictest Parents on YouTube. I also watch a lot of Supernanny. I'm a mom of three (19, 16, 6), and a kinder assistant teacher, so working with kids is ALL I do (LOVE it I learn a lot from those shows. World's Strictest Parents is all about teens with behavior identical to your son. I'd recommend watching to see what works to change the behavior. To sum up what I've learned, I'd say YOU'RE EXACTLY RIGHT. Slacking on boundaries and discipline and letting things go does Not work, and it makes things worse. Kids whose parents discipline them (teach them, guide them, don't let them get away with inappropriate behavior) feel loved, supported, protected. They don't like it and will buck it, but they Need guidance to know how to behave in a way that enables success. It's hard, and we want to give up, and we need support........It's telling that your son acts differently at school: he's accepted those boundaries. .....There's hope for your son, and I think baby steps and small changes over time will make all the difference. I'm here to support, I'm on this journey with you. I hope I don't sound to know-it-all-ish, I just want to help. And I just want to help my daughter and our family

[thisADHDmum1 in reply to MomofBelovedDaughter]

Hello, Thankyou so very much for your thoughts and insights. You definitely aren’t being a know-at-all and I can see you genuinely want to share something that you feel may help so thank you. I totally agree with all that you have said. I’ll definitely watch strictest parents as that will give some practical suggestions but I believe putting our son in timeout when he was small, before he could articulate what was going on for him emotionally, is part of the piece to the puzzle we are faced with now. I see now how clearly he was struggling with he arrival of his brother, as well as his dad taking a new job a few months before and then working away was very difficult for him and he needed understanding and connection and not rejection and time outs as the nanny recommended. I hope she has changed her approach now. We are also now aware of our not-firm-enough boundaries as we tried to parent with being fair and allowing him to negotiate. Hindsight is a great thing and we know now that things needed to be firmer for him. Thanks again for this important reminder.

[Shamasamdrew]

Hello! Sounds so hard and I am sorry your family is going through that. A great resource for dealing with behaviors is ADHD Dude. He has a paid site, but also has a lot of material on YouTube that might be helpful. He deals a lot with behavior and has been through it himself with his own son. I would also suggest counseling for yourself. It is exhausting to deal with what you are dealing with and if you husband and/or other family members will go, all the better. Hoping your son will attend too, but at least do it for yourself.

[thisADHDmum1 in reply to Shamasamdrew]

Hello, Thankyou so much for your kind words, support and suggestions. We have arranged to speak with an ADHD parenting coach next week which I think will be helpful.

[Mamamichl]

he may be the age where you can be real with him and have hiM help Mae the rules and consequences. Basically say that you are concerned that he is doing poorly in school, or that he is out late at night and you are worried he can be in unsafe situations. Kids with ADHD can come up with some novel solutions if you ask what matters to them and how both of you can be happy. Sometimes if you validate his wants and needs, they will be more logical. If he doesn’t work with you, there needs to be consequences for his actions, like you make the rules again and stick to them.

I would say make an agreeable curfew 10-11 on school nights and midnight on weekends at least, and ask him how you cannot be up all night worrying about him. You trust him but not random people in the middle of the night. Maybe he can text you by a certain time to when he is on his way or if he will be staying the night somewhere. Maybe the consequence is you lock the door from 12-8am on weekends, and if he hasn’t contacted you by x time, you can start calling friends and their families to find him or come get him.

If he gets unsafe, you need to call emergency or possibly take him in to a psychiatric unit so he can get his meds figured out. I know there’s a lot of stigma about it, but I went to one when my meds were off earlier this year, and it was a godsend.

Good luck, and zen hugs.

[Lanego]

This is really challenging. Our son is 12yo and has similar issues with gaming rage. I am able to control the amount of gaming he does because he uses a Switch and I can set the time limit. Even if he gets super angry when time is up, it's up and I don't give him more time. He gets mad and then moves on. Is it possible the Concerta is making him more irritable, or do you think an additional medication would be helpful? Has there been a recent event that has made life more challenging for him?

I have worked very hard to be calm and patient with him while still having boundaries, so he feels comfortable coming to me when he is worried or scared. I know he will get angry and be hateful and say things he doesn't mean. He will come back a few minutes later after his outburst and apologize.

I have also started working out with him, just lifting weights and doing sit-ups. He seems to enjoy this time together, and reminds me everyday that we need to work out.

My husband has had a harder time with being understanding, and not taking our son's outbursts personally. You're a good mom, and coming here to seek help shows that you're trying your best. None of this is easy.

[MomofBelovedDaughter in reply to Lanego]

Hi, I saw that you wrote that Concerta can make you irritable. That happened to my 19 year old daughter. Well, she would be irritable when she was coming off of it. Also, it only worked for like a week. When she went up in dosage, she had tachycardia and frequent adrenaline rushes. Is irritability a side effect of Concerta? Is it while the stimulant is active, or when you're coming off of it?

[Lanego in reply to MomofBelovedDaughter]

Each kid reacts differently. Both my son and daughter could not tolerate stimulants. My son especially became much more irritable and aggressive. My daughter became more anxious. At least with my kids it was while they were on the stimulants that they exhibited the increased irritability,aggressiveness and anxiety. My son is now on non-stimulants (intuniv for 3 years and we started Qelbree about a month ago, our psych wants to eventually stop intuniv and just have Qelbree)

[amewhit]

This sounds very similar to my son. I don’t know how long he has been on the stimulant medication, but my son cannot handle stimulants at all. We tried for a long time. Once we removed them, his mood improved. We have a Psychiatrist who now thinks he may have bipolar disorder or rapid cycling, bipolar disorder. We started with Latuda, which helped, but wasn’t the right fit. So we stopped that and started Depakote, which is a true mood stabilizer. This medication and a change in placement for school has changed our lives. He is still improving and getting better. It was nearly impossible to hold boundaries when his mood was all over the place. Now we are able to hold boundaries better. So the parenting strategies we’ve learned for years are working. My son is diagnosed with ADHD, but it can look a lot like bipolar disorder. The book The Bipolar Child was eye-opening and fit my son to a T. Maybe you can get a copy from the library and see if it fits your son as well. They definitely need boundaries especially at this age. And once they’re on the right medication, I think you’ll see some of the behaviors subside. We also try to spend time with him as much as we can although at this age they’re also pulling away… which is normal.

[yeller]

My kid got addicted to electronics and we did not catch it soon enough, so spent a ton of money on wilderness therapy which did not last into her teens. She is 16 now and still addicted to electronics. I suggest cold turkey if the kid is young enough. They will fight at first, but hopefully, if you work with the school, you kid will understand the boundaries. Its really hard, but just letting them do "whatever" has not worked for our kid and we now have a young adult who lives in fantasy world.

[MomofBelovedDaughter in reply to yeller]

I'm sorry to hear that your daughter is addicted to electronics. You wrote that you didn't catch it soon enough...are you still working to help her be healthy regarding technology (I can't tell from you post)? I unschooled for years and my kids had unlimited technology. I'd NEVER do that again. Raising a 6 year old, very strict with her.