Our 13yo son has increasingly become aggressive mainly over device boundaries, throwing and breaking things, slamming doors and breaking door jams in the process. He’s increasingly disconnected from the family, impulsive and engaging in behaviors such as staying out till the week hours of the mornings on weekends (we live in the UAE so is extremely safe in our community), recently has started vaping and is very oppositional. At school he’s generally well behaved and is getting by but not reaching his full potential, we have sought help in the past from play therapy when he was younger, and he was seeing a psychologist until earlier this year when he then shut down and refused to attend sessions. Currently he’s only seeing a psychiatrist to monitor his Concerta medication. He was on Aripriprazol (antipsychotic) but he stopped as he did not like the side effects in the way it made him feel). We are having huge difficulty parenting him, my husband especially. My husband says just to let him do whatever. He’s had difficulty in the past spending time with our boys but is trying to connected to no avail. All our son sees is the expectations we have on him. I have had difficulty in the past setting firm boundaries as I focussed on gentle parenting.
We have no idea what to do now. We are constantly walking on eggshells, stressed, tired, worried and upset. Any ideas would be so appreciated.
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thisADHDmum1
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Hi, fellow mom. I don't know how helpful I can be, but I can share what I know and my experience. Feel free to take or leave My daughter is 19 with ADHD. I've recently been watching World's Strictest Parents on YouTube. I also watch a lot of Supernanny. I'm a mom of three (19, 16, 6), and a kinder assistant teacher, so working with kids is ALL I do (LOVE it I learn a lot from those shows. World's Strictest Parents is all about teens with behavior identical to your son. I'd recommend watching to see what works to change the behavior. To sum up what I've learned, I'd say YOU'RE EXACTLY RIGHT. Slacking on boundaries and discipline and letting things go does Not work, and it makes things worse. Kids whose parents discipline them (teach them, guide them, don't let them get away with inappropriate behavior) feel loved, supported, protected. They don't like it and will buck it, but they Need guidance to know how to behave in a way that enables success. It's hard, and we want to give up, and we need support........It's telling that your son acts differently at school: he's accepted those boundaries. .....There's hope for your son, and I think baby steps and small changes over time will make all the difference. I'm here to support, I'm on this journey with you. I hope I don't sound to know-it-all-ish, I just want to help. And I just want to help my daughter and our family
Hello, Thankyou so very much for your thoughts and insights. You definitely aren’t being a know-at-all and I can see you genuinely want to share something that you feel may help so thank you. I totally agree with all that you have said. I’ll definitely watch strictest parents as that will give some practical suggestions but I believe putting our son in timeout when he was small, before he could articulate what was going on for him emotionally, is part of the piece to the puzzle we are faced with now. I see now how clearly he was struggling with he arrival of his brother, as well as his dad taking a new job a few months before and then working away was very difficult for him and he needed understanding and connection and not rejection and time outs as the nanny recommended. I hope she has changed her approach now. We are also now aware of our not-firm-enough boundaries as we tried to parent with being fair and allowing him to negotiate. Hindsight is a great thing and we know now that things needed to be firmer for him. Thanks again for this important reminder.
Hello! Sounds so hard and I am sorry your family is going through that. A great resource for dealing with behaviors is ADHD Dude. He has a paid site, but also has a lot of material on YouTube that might be helpful. He deals a lot with behavior and has been through it himself with his own son. I would also suggest counseling for yourself. It is exhausting to deal with what you are dealing with and if you husband and/or other family members will go, all the better. Hoping your son will attend too, but at least do it for yourself.
Hello, Thankyou so much for your kind words, support and suggestions. We have arranged to speak with an ADHD parenting coach next week which I think will be helpful.
he may be the age where you can be real with him and have hiM help Mae the rules and consequences. Basically say that you are concerned that he is doing poorly in school, or that he is out late at night and you are worried he can be in unsafe situations. Kids with ADHD can come up with some novel solutions if you ask what matters to them and how both of you can be happy. Sometimes if you validate his wants and needs, they will be more logical. If he doesn’t work with you, there needs to be consequences for his actions, like you make the rules again and stick to them.
I would say make an agreeable curfew 10-11 on school nights and midnight on weekends at least, and ask him how you cannot be up all night worrying about him. You trust him but not random people in the middle of the night. Maybe he can text you by a certain time to when he is on his way or if he will be staying the night somewhere. Maybe the consequence is you lock the door from 12-8am on weekends, and if he hasn’t contacted you by x time, you can start calling friends and their families to find him or come get him.
If he gets unsafe, you need to call emergency or possibly take him in to a psychiatric unit so he can get his meds figured out. I know there’s a lot of stigma about it, but I went to one when my meds were off earlier this year, and it was a godsend.
Despite only responding now I appreciated your comment.
One of the main issues is that we live here in the UAE, which is one of the safest countries in the world, with security everywhere, and which also means that there are lots of people including often young children out playing until very late. (It’s a part of the culture that many Muslims are late to go to bed), and so it’s way more fun to be out and about with his friends than being at home. The fear of missing out is so strong!!
When we have tried to negotiate he have a later curfew on one of the nights of the weekend he isn’t able to stick to it as many of his friends are either sneaking out too or don’t have a curfew, so he isn’t able to stick with what we have agreed upon.
Going out late twice on the weekend sets him up for failure as then he’s in a sleep deficit for the week ahead and given we need to get up at 5:45 on school days managing his sleep times is super important. Trying to get him to understand this is proving challenging.
You may want to talk to other parents and see what works in your area then. I do get the fear of missing out. I know my kid stays up late on weekends, though research says going to bed and waking same time each day is good for sleep issues. What we do is wake her up on Sundays at 10 at the latest.
This is really challenging. Our son is 12yo and has similar issues with gaming rage. I am able to control the amount of gaming he does because he uses a Switch and I can set the time limit. Even if he gets super angry when time is up, it's up and I don't give him more time. He gets mad and then moves on. Is it possible the Concerta is making him more irritable, or do you think an additional medication would be helpful? Has there been a recent event that has made life more challenging for him?
I have worked very hard to be calm and patient with him while still having boundaries, so he feels comfortable coming to me when he is worried or scared. I know he will get angry and be hateful and say things he doesn't mean. He will come back a few minutes later after his outburst and apologize.
I have also started working out with him, just lifting weights and doing sit-ups. He seems to enjoy this time together, and reminds me everyday that we need to work out.
My husband has had a harder time with being understanding, and not taking our son's outbursts personally. You're a good mom, and coming here to seek help shows that you're trying your best. None of this is easy.
Hi, I saw that you wrote that Concerta can make you irritable. That happened to my 19 year old daughter. Well, she would be irritable when she was coming off of it. Also, it only worked for like a week. When she went up in dosage, she had tachycardia and frequent adrenaline rushes. Is irritability a side effect of Concerta? Is it while the stimulant is active, or when you're coming off of it?
Each kid reacts differently. Both my son and daughter could not tolerate stimulants. My son especially became much more irritable and aggressive. My daughter became more anxious. At least with my kids it was while they were on the stimulants that they exhibited the increased irritability,aggressiveness and anxiety. My son is now on non-stimulants (intuniv for 3 years and we started Qelbree about a month ago, our psych wants to eventually stop intuniv and just have Qelbree)
I spoke to my son’s psych who said it was unlikely on the dose he was on. He has just upped his dose and we have seen some improvement but we are back to square one when it wears off in the evening.
He has been prescribed a new med (Risperdal) for the evenings, just a 1/2 tab) but he hasn’t taken it. I am terrified of the potential side effects of that too.
All your comments are so valid. We definitely need to set time limits on his Xbox.
I have tried speaking with my husband about the need to do more with our son and he has tried more recently to suggest things but he is reluctant to do so. I fear it’s too late. The connection is ruptured and the pull to be with his friends is stronger.
Now that the weather here is cooler and we can get outdoors again I am hoping the lure of going fishing will have him agreeing to spending time with his dad.
Since you posted my son has been on Qelbree 100mg for a month. It was a rough start and once or twice I thought it wasn't worth it(he was so emotional in the evenings), but we persisted. He is so much happier, it's remarkable. He is less likely to tantrum when he doesn't get his way. And his improvement has made my life better. There is so much less tension, and I didn't realize the tension until it was lessened. His mood stability has also made our entire family life better. Hang in there, the right medication and continued parenting can make a difference.
I think over the years as my husband saw me parent, and saw how close our son is to me it slowly changed his parenting style too. He will always be the firmer one, and more likely to get angry with them but it's a balance. And maybe because he's that way it allows me to be more gentle.
This sounds very similar to my son. I don’t know how long he has been on the stimulant medication, but my son cannot handle stimulants at all. We tried for a long time. Once we removed them, his mood improved. We have a Psychiatrist who now thinks he may have bipolar disorder or rapid cycling, bipolar disorder. We started with Latuda, which helped, but wasn’t the right fit. So we stopped that and started Depakote, which is a true mood stabilizer. This medication and a change in placement for school has changed our lives. He is still improving and getting better. It was nearly impossible to hold boundaries when his mood was all over the place. Now we are able to hold boundaries better. So the parenting strategies we’ve learned for years are working. My son is diagnosed with ADHD, but it can look a lot like bipolar disorder. The book The Bipolar Child was eye-opening and fit my son to a T. Maybe you can get a copy from the library and see if it fits your son as well. They definitely need boundaries especially at this age. And once they’re on the right medication, I think you’ll see some of the behaviors subside. We also try to spend time with him as much as we can although at this age they’re also pulling away… which is normal.
Thankyou so much for your comment! I read recently that there are many different types of ADHD and one can present very similar to Bi-polar. Thankyou for the book recommendation. I’ll add it to the ever growing list.
I definitely think you are right in needing to find the right medication.
My gut tells me that what he is on is not the answer.
My kid got addicted to electronics and we did not catch it soon enough, so spent a ton of money on wilderness therapy which did not last into her teens. She is 16 now and still addicted to electronics. I suggest cold turkey if the kid is young enough. They will fight at first, but hopefully, if you work with the school, you kid will understand the boundaries. Its really hard, but just letting them do "whatever" has not worked for our kid and we now have a young adult who lives in fantasy world.
I'm sorry to hear that your daughter is addicted to electronics. You wrote that you didn't catch it soon enough...are you still working to help her be healthy regarding technology (I can't tell from you post)? I unschooled for years and my kids had unlimited technology. I'd NEVER do that again. Raising a 6 year old, very strict with her.
After ten years of trying and trying and trying... whatever made sense to me, or was recommended by professionals, I have taken a new strategy and am not micromanaging. I am trying to let her suffer her own consequences, and the consequences come from someone other than me - - like teachers, or coaches, or peers. My own health suffered greatly by being consumed with her problems, and I have had to let go to a certain extent. The limit setting on the phones was a disaster and she ended up hating me, every time she got a sceen message "your timed out" or "you do not have access to this" ect.. it was like "I Hate Mom" ten times a day. I am very clear with her, very simple direct statements, as in "You flunk out of this school, you will live at home and get a GED"; "you do not spend your money wisely now, your college tuition will not be paid for" . Is it working? sometimes...
Oh gosh thankyou for sharing your story. Your vulnerability and honesty is truly admirable and appreciated.
We are already seeing signs of this and we are having to use parenting Apps (which might o add cause much stress and anxiety). It’s a nightmare trying to stay on top of things and to be one step ahead of them in terms of it all.
I really regret ever giving in to getting him all these devices in the first place but I felt the damage of him being the odd one out would be worse than having them. How wrong I was!!!
I'm pretty sure I've written something in the past similar to "We are constantly walking on eggshells, stressed, tired, worried and upset." Most of us have been there at some point and it is horrible. I hope things start improving for you!
My 13 year old son has ADHD and was more recently diagnosed with high functioning ASD. I tried a gentler parenting method with him for years and it did not work. Even though I had the best of intentions, I think it was more confusing for him. I've found over the last year that firm/consistent rules work best for him. He no longer gets 10 (or 20?) chances do something. Now I ask him to feed and take out the dogs. I ask him to repeat the task back to me so I know he understands the task. I'll tell him if it isn't done in the next 10 minutes he will lose his electronics for 1 day. I set the timer and if it isn't done, I go get the electronics. I no longer debate it with him for 30 minutes. He missed the deadline. I take the electronics and he gets it back the next day. Oddly enough he doesn't throw the big tantrums like he would if I took the device after asking him 20 times and arguing over whether I would take it. I use this same method when it is time to get off the electronics. Nine times out of ten, it works. Even my mom has mentioned how much better he has gotten while at her house.
My husband hasn't figured out this method. He asked our son to bring his phone downstairs multiple times the other day. This went on for well over an hour. My husband was mad because he wasn't listening. I stepped in and said, "You have 2 minutes to put the phone on the charger and get into bed, or you'll lose all electronic devices for tomorrow." The phone was on the charger within one minute.
I suggest sitting down with your son and developing rules that must be followed and consequences for when they are broken. Write them down so he knows what should be done. If he isn't home by curfew, he doesn't get to go out the next night and/or loses his electronics for a day. It is his choice whether he gets those privileges each day.
Gosh I can relate to what you’re saying so much. I can absolutely see 3 issues with our parenting that have not helped;
1) My lack of firmness in setting boundaries and my husband’s emotionally reactive was at times.
3) Our lack using the same parenting aproach which should have been firm, fair & calm from both of us.
2) My husband and my negotiating style of parenting. The expectations have not been clear enough.
We are working through our own personal issues, childhood issues now which unfortunately has come too late. I wish we had have been aware of it all years ago but I guess it’s better late than never.
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My daughter is 19 with ADHD. I've recently been watching World's Strictest Parents on YouTube. I also watch a lot of Supernanny. I'm a mom of three (19, 16, 6), and a kinder assistant teacher, so working with kids is ALL I do (LOVE it 
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