14 year old wants me to stop reminding, ("nagging") her

[lilyana1]

My 14 year old HS freshman daughter needs constant reminders to get her homework done, manage her time and to do just about anything!! I admit I am constantly giving her reminders in an effort to keep her from failing...( I sometimes feel like telling myself to stop nagging! ) Today, we got into a loud argument, as she failed her Spanish test because she forgot to write it down in her homework folder...again,,, After some heated exchanges, she just said, " Just let me learn to fail on my own..." So I have decided to try and let her do just that... My plan is to white knuckle it for awhile, and let her learn by her own consequences. Just wondering if anyone did this with there own teenager, and what the outcome was,,, Thanks!!!

[Crunchby]

Hum. Tough one. Letting her fail on her own sounds good in theory, and would absolutely be the way to go with a non adhd'er, as they would have the ability to correct themselves. I think when she starts failing, she won't be able to modify her behaviors on her own, thus the spiral downward continues. What if you say, fine, you can manage yourself but I would like you to use these tools. Xyz...task lists, Google calendar, etc. I love Google keep.. its great for quick notes that she can then put on calendar as reminders. Just some thoughts. Good luck!!!

[lilyana1 in reply to Crunchby]

Awesome idea...! Thank you. I will try this...

[Pennywink in reply to lilyana1]

I agree a lot with what Crunchby said. Be sure to set up lots of visual reminders, tasks lists, charts, timers, a consistent time of day that she studied / does schools work, etc. I would also consider adding some incentives- like that this is a trial, and if her grades improve you will continue to let her do it on her own, and maybe some extra perk of something she really desires - like extra media time or whatnot. At least until/if things become habit.

Good luck!

[lilyana1 in reply to Pennywink]

Thanks so much rckline! More great advice!

[Crunchby in reply to lilyana1]

I had a thought today. I was on Lynda.com.. My work has it..., and they offer a time management class. You don't have to use them, but maybe a time mgt/ study skills online class would be helpful. One of schools in our district does this program. I think you can implement on your own. avid.org/

[lilyana1 in reply to Crunchby]

Oh, wow! This is just what she needs, as her time management skills are terrible... I doubt she will look at the site, but I will and see if I can share some of the info with her in a non- nagging-parent sorta way!!! ; ) Thank you very much!

[Pennywink in reply to lilyana1]

Lemme just add, some libraries (like mine) offer free access to Lynda.com through the library website if you have a library card. Try contacting your local library about it!

[lilyana1 in reply to Pennywink]

Hi rckline... I will explore this option...Thank you!!

[Mamab3]

This is my life with my 14 year old daughter. I micromanage her on everything especially school work. We tried the "fail on your own" strategy, but the problem is she doesn't care enough. She wants to quit school already. It's so exhausting. Good luck.

[lilyana1 in reply to Mamab3]

Thank you Mamab3... It really is soooo exhausting!!! Good luck with your daughter,too! Don't give up...

[seller]

I have to agree with the posts below.....allowing our kids to fail would be fine if they didn't have ADHD. You do not want her to have to re-take subjects in the summer and you certainly don't want her to flunk (or quit!) high school! How about getting her a tutor? Or seeing if she can do homework at school in a resource room? Does she need a booster dose of a short-acting stimulant for the evening homework? If she doesn't have at least a 504 Plan, she would have one, which can stipulate less homework, resource room, tutor, and other things that should help. One final piece of advice: you will most likely have to stay on top of her schoolwork all through high school, but keeping the nagging to a minimum should help! Oh - I agree that incentives/rewards can help, but they have to be immediate.

[lilyana1 in reply to seller]

Thank you seller...She already has a tutor, who helps her quite a bit... Because her grades are still pretty good, I was told that my daughter would not be considered for a 504 plan... She does take the booster dose, but maybe it needs to be adjusted a bit higher...

I will tryyyyyyy to decrease the nagging!! : )

[Janice_H]

No she does not have the option to fail on her own because she is not a failure. Continue to give gentle reminders and check her work to be sure it is accurate and complete. Also check that she has turned it in. My son is 11 and has a lot of difficulty remembering to write down homework, forgets or loses important papers or completes work, then forgets to turn it in and does not get credit.

Allowing your daughter to "fail on her own" will just make you feel guilty that you did not support her.

[lilyana1 in reply to Janice_H]

Thanks Janice... You are right... I was already starting to feel guilty... even though it was only one day!!

[reg2018]

Wait . . . your 14 year old wants you to stop being a parent? Sounds like my 14 year old. It can be hard to figure out sometimes, am I being a helicopter parent, or helping my ADHD child? I was talking with one of the kids in my carpool yesterday about failing classes. He said it's easier to go down in your grade than it is to climb back up. And as parents we know this is true, which is why we give our kids so many reminders. We know that it's easier and better if you get it done and handed in in the first place than if you don't and you have to climb back up from that F.

I agree with what the others have said as well. Our kids have to figure out what works for them and also accept reminders, because that's a part of having parents.

[lilyana1]

Thanks reg 2018... It really is hard to distinguish sometimes... Well.. I can see that the consensus from you and the group is to continue with gentle reminders with incentives... All of your advice is wonderful!!