Autism ADHD 14 yr old gets under my skin

[Thegreateight]

I read quite a bit about concentration of what happens in school. At our home, it's at home that is our issue. Lack of responsibility, lack of personal hygiene, refusal to help with chores, loud music, loud voices, picky eaters, constantly on smartphones, refusing to go outside, refusing to participate in program events, I can go on. Psychological insight seems better parenting management with reward and privilege removal when refusing. However autism kicks in and it's a constant meltdown. She is 14yrs old. She responds to everyone else but me. I'm frustrated and ready to snap.

[EJsMom]

I understand completely what you are saying! My son is the most difficult with me. He pushes me the most!

The reward system could work really well. Honestly, I haven’t found any one thing that works. I have to constantly try to stay one step ahead of my son.

It’s quite frustrating!

[EJsMom in reply to EJsMom]

I wanted to mention something else.

When I am at my angriest and most upset, I go to another room, where my son is not. And take a deep breath. I remind myself that he does not really want to make me angry and he was born with this chemical imbalance in his brain.

What he needs most is love and support. Everywhere he goes he is met with negativity. A lot of people who meet him, don’t really like him too well.

I remember that and it helps ease my frustration and anger every single time.

In my son’s darkest moments, he admits he wishes he was different. He wishes he could control himself better. And he is trying! He is improving slowly !

[Thegreateight in reply to EJsMom]

I completely know what you are saying. Most days I can handle it with class and follow how life rolls. Lately I'm beaten. I feel like world war 3 is at home.

[Grateful17 in reply to Thegreateight]

Me too. It's hard to be happy and confident when your own child is unhappy or not liked by society. I tend to feel sorry for myself, but then feel guilty for thinking of myself!

It's been WW 3 at our house too. I'm grateful, grateful that my ADHD son is doing very well at 19 years old. He loves computers and cars and has many friends. He has a summer job. As a toddler, he was impossible! My daughter was easier at a young age and much, much harder at 20 yrs old. The house could be peaceful, but she is So intense and and she hates me. 😔

[dogodogo in reply to Thegreateight]

I have a 14 year old daughter with ADHD and a 12 year old boy with Autism and ADHD. Each of them struggle to fit in in a harsh and cold world. Everyday its a battle to guid them in a possitive outlook of life. As a parent I relate with you all. I try to be honest with them when they ask hard questions about the things they are facing or will be facing in their feuture. I am trying to prepare them to be fighters in life. To work hard if they want something because nothing is given to them for free. To be kind to others even when its not returned. The choices they make will have good or bad results. I try not to sugar coat life. I am doing this because one day my husband and I wont be there to protect them. I am scared of thinking that what ever i do now will determine how well they do in the feuture. I love my kids, so i endure but lovingly correct their outburst and every day struggle as best I can, like you do because who else will.

[doughertyfamily in reply to dogodogo]

AI feel like I could have written any of these responses. Our 15 YO ADHD/HFA daughter is the worst with me too. I have adopted a "firm but kind" response to everything and take 3 deep breaths or walk away when I feel like exploding (it's difficult when you have ADHD too). My husband and I started doing more date nights and play dates with our younger very social son. We were forgetting to have fun together.

WEEKLY REWARDS: This summer we implemented a weekly reward chart after fighting it for two years. My kid needs carrots, no sticks. It's a list of responsibilities every week with point values assigned. We put larger values on the behavior we wanted to change most (good attitude today, sits with the family for dinner until everyone is done, brush teeth twice daily, etc.) Even the minimum effort in point values allow a weekly reward, each one with higher values so it requires more effort: fun free activity, ice cream out, mini golf or bowling, $10 in video downloads or sushi. She has summer music practice and homework that will become school homework in August. Trying to establish a reward routine so ALL homework gets done and we don't have so much trouble with missing assignments.

MEDS AND SUPPLEMENTS: we were getting nowhere with meds and stopped all this summer except a baby dose of Abilify and a regular dose of Concerta. There were some dark, ugly months this spring. I was desperate so we visited an out of network DO and got a scrip for Vayarin. She's been on it 5 weeks and I noticed an immediate improvement (within two days) in irritability, defiance and socializing. She spontaneously smiles and laughs, sings in the shower, spends time in the family room chatting, plays with her brother and is much more agreeable. It's nothing short of amazing, but not everyone sees the same results. We also added 5-HTP, GABA and Inositol AM and tryptophan PM for sleep. I think all are helping with mood, defiance and irritability.