I know I'm not alone here I'm feeling such intense frustration. My teen with ADHD has some days where she won't get up, won't do school (cyber) and/or won't shower. Nothing I say or do seems to work to motivate her. She's just 'stuck' and everything gets derailed.
How do you all handle these very frustrating days? What makes you feel better?
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This is so, so hard. For us, a few things helped, though it has taken time and didn’t work like magic. 1. Therapy for your child, family and you. 2. We set parameters and we put them down on paper and talked them through at a calm time when our teen was in a decent mood. We laid out that not getting up, caring for oneself or taking care of responsibilities is a sign of distress. We indicated that we knew things were not easy for her, but the only way through was for her to practice healthy coping strategies. That we would work with her so she could learn those. So our main parameter was if she couldn’t get up to go to school that was okay, but all electronics would be off for the day, she could not hang out with friends online or go out after school. She should talk with her therapist. The idea was to make not doing school or other responsibilities not comfortable. But we also made sure she had a therapist. Eventually, we got her into an intensive CBT therapy program to help teach her healthier coping skills. 3. We enforced the parameters. When are kids aren’t coping it is because they can’t. They are having a hard time. We did not want to punish our child, but wanted them to know that the route out of the distress was not avoidance. Our daughter is allowed one mental health day a quarter, but if it goes beyond that, we see it as a sign of distress that she needs support to get through. Laying this out on paper, discussing with our teen, set the expectation and we made sure to do it with compassion and we continue to give them space. When she says she can’t get up or go to school, we say fine, and we don’t fight or push, but there is no phone, no tv nothing for that day.. we have seen school avoidance decrease dramatically since we made staying home and not doing more uncomfortable than doing. To answer how do we cope as parents. It is HARD as hell, sometimes I don’t feel like I cope well. But I try to remember, “My kid is not giving me a hard time, my kid is HAVING a hard time.” And I just keep fighting like hell to find the right support for her and us.
natural consequences. No electronics unless it’s school, no games and such. I stopped being in the same room as my bonus kid when he refused to put more deodorant on. Maybe setup extra counseling appointments,or start them if not already established.
To save yourself, have a small stash of your favorite treat, meditate multiple times a day and maybe journal or vent with someone.
I would also just add that depression and anxiety are tricky and sometimes medication helps too. Explore all options. I don’t worry about the not bathing. The only time it’s worth worrying about is if it goes along with other signs of clinical depression: not eating, not bathing, disinterested in activities they used to love and it’s over 2 weeks or more. Our teen has had periods when she didn’t bath but once a week. Now that she’s older she bathes regularly. Social pressure usually gets to them eventually. So I don’t stress so much about that.
I agree with everyone's post therapy has been so helpful for our son.We also do not allow electronic devices in our son's room, devices are charged and plugged in where we have access to them.
Medication has been life changing and are changed a number of time as they grow and develop.
Best of luck!
It's exorbitant, but f you can afford it, boarding school can be a game changer. There are some that specialize in kids with ADHD.
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