ADHD but mild??

[YazzyN]

Anyone has a child who was assessed as negative for ADHD when they were younger and then tested positive when they are older? My daughter was that at 8yo then 13yo now, just diagnosed as a combined type based on just 1 assessment so far. I’m very conflicted because I know she needs help but not sure if she needs meds or more interventions. All the formal appointments are months away and I’m watching my daughter fail in classes tho she has private tutor and therapy. I constantly have to bite my tongue so our convo doesn’t turn into a full-blown fights. She says she is just lazy herself and can do better if she wanted to but she doesn’t. But then she also feels like she has ADHD at times because she has a hard time focusing on things that’s not interesting to her. Would love to hear about journey of others in similar paths. 🙏

[Klmamma]

I bet it was just missed when she was 8. I hear this frequently from friends with daughters. ADHD is hereditary and in their family but most of the issues happen at home. Girls are so ingrained to be still and quiet and good that it often gets missed until things spiral out of control as a teenager. I'd take the test results to your pediatrician and discuss medication if your daughter is open to it. It's not like other meds, you try it for a few days and if you don't like it, you stop, no issues. Focalin has been life changing at our house.

I'm 39 and have had 4 female same age friends be diagnosed in the last two years. They realized they have had it their entire lives when their child was diagnosed. It's severely underdiagnosed in girls. Shoot they used to be convinced girls didn't get ADHD, they were dead wrong.

[STEM_Dad]

"But then she also feels like she has ADHD at times because she has a hard time focusing on things that’s not interesting to her."

Given that ADHD isn't actually due to a "deficit" of attention capabilities, but more correctly described as due to an "interest-based attention" capacity... what you said there sounds just like ADHD behavior.

~~~~~

ADHD appears different in girls, and things that can be dismissed as just "girl behavior", or "adolescent behavior" might be signs of adhd.

• Being "chatty" might not simply be due to being an "outgoing girl", but might be a sign of Hyperactivity

• Or the opposite of seeming to be "quiet and shy" or "dreamy" might be signs of Inattentiveness in a girl

• A change in behavior to being oppositional or "moody", particularly with adolescence (onset typically between 11 and 13, I think, but perhaps could happen at any age in youth) could be due to ODD or DMDD, which are much more likely with ADHD than for non-ADHD youths.

~~~~~

My eldest daughter is now 30. She was very energetic and active as a child, but was a good student in elementary school, with the only complaint from her teachers was that she was a "chatty Cathy".

Then, teenage years arrived, and she turned rebellious. Her mom and I thought that it was due to negative influences, like her choices in friends, and reaction to a traumatic event that happened around the same time.

She was also accident prone, though she was not particularly clumsy. It was as if she sometimes couldn't stop herself from overdoing things.

Her mom and I thought there was no way that our daughter could have ADHD, because she had no issues at all with inattentiveness. Well, except when she seemed to intentionally not pay attention when she was in a rebellious mood.

Getting through her teenage years was very difficult.

Now that I've learned about ADHD from my own diagnosis (I have the Predominantly Inattentive presentation), I recognize that my daughter has the Predominantly Hyperactive-Impulsive presentation, and that in her teenage years she was likely going through Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) or possibly Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder (DMDD).

Early last year, when my daughter was still 28, her doctor suggested that she might have ADHD. She still doesn't seem to have any attention issues, and exhibits much less of that energy that she had as a kid. Yet, she is still accident prone from frequently overdoing things, and I think that's what prompted her doctor to suggest that she might have ADHD. (She hasn't gone through with the assessment, yet.)

{My older son is now 21, but seems to have all the same struggles with Inattentive traits that I have, and I was diagnosed at 45. My mild-to-moderate ADHD traits were a minor annoyance when I was a kid, but caused me to struggle regularly as an adult.}

...

My younger kids are now 11 and almost-9, and I'm watching them more closely. My 11 year old son seems like he has mild Combined ADHD, while my youngest daughter seems to have mild Inattentive traits.

Their mom and I are now divorced, and she still doesn't believe any of our kids have ADHD. She is also opinionated against medicating kids with stimulants, unless they clearly have severe ADHD (like the kids of some friends if ours).

• So, I think that if I try to get the kids assessed for ADHD, I'll be picking a fight with her... I've known her for 35 years, and we were married for 20. I know that she likes to win every argument (even if she knows she's 100% factually wrong). {Our eldest isn't the only one prone to being oppositional or defiant.}

[Klmamma in reply to STEM_Dad]

Sounds like your ex has it too. All of my female inlaws have severe ADHD and they barely speak to each other bc they all constantly have to be right about everything at all costs. I mean they have to be right about the color of the sky, they force 4 year Olds to follow board game rules to the T or they accuse them of cheating. They'd argue with a wall. All chasing dopamine. I hate it. Your ex is doing your children a grave disservice by being ignorant and self righteous. You sound like a great father.

[STEM_Dad in reply to Klmamma]

Yes, I think she very likely has ADHD, too. She has always been impulsive, and certainly seemed hyper (I called it "energetic" at the time) when we were in 8th grade together.

Not a bit of attention issues with her until she hit her 40s, but I think that's due to other health issues.

(I also suspect that my ex has mild Borderline Personality Disorder, after many years of observing her behavior. She goes through long trends of impulsivity or hyper-rationality, sometimes being very constructive and at others self-destructive to relationships. The inconsistencies were a mystery, until I learned about BPD. --- Plus, her mom seems to have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and from the description of other women in her family, they seem to have BPD or NPD more likely than not. - To her credit, my ex-wife has tried very hard not to be anything like her mom.)

[Klmamma in reply to STEM_Dad]

My mom has BPD and is a narcissist. She raised the biggest people pleaser on the planet. I actually had to go to therapy bc I was doing anything and everything to keep my ADHD husband and son happy and from melting down and unintentionally making things so very much worse.

[STEM_Dad in reply to Klmamma]

I am definitely well-intentioned, but she's still the one who gets things done, where the kids are concerned. She's organized and usually more on top of things.

She's a good mom, very loving towards our kids, but she doesn't do anything halfway. When she plays with the kids, she's all in. But she's also very authoritative, and exacting with her expectations. She means to teach the kids how to take care of themselves well, but our older kids became resentful of their mom's approach.

My approach was to do things alongside the kids, gently coaching them in other to teach them a skill. (She says that I coddle them, and I think that she's right...but it's the gentler approach that my own parents used with raising me, so it's natural for me.)

We both love our kids greatly, but lean in opposite directions when it comes to parenting style and discipline. Neither of us is extreme, but I think neither of us is exactly balanced.

[Klmamma in reply to STEM_Dad]

Ironically, most ADHD women end up having OCD or some other diagnosis first. Their go to coping mechanism is control. If I can stay in constant control of everything and everyone around me, chaos will not ensue and I can control the chaos in my mind. It's sad.

[STEM_Dad in reply to Klmamma]

That sounds very accurate about my kids' mom. (She describes herself as being OCD, but to my knowledge has never been diagnosed as such.)