PLEASE HELP ME FIND A TOP NOTCH THERAPIST FOR ME, THE PARENT OF A 21 YEAR OLD SON WITH ADHD.

[Fin12345]

Hello: I have a 21 year old son who was only diagnosed with ADHD 2 years ago. Although I have therapy for him, I have had a very difficult time finding a therapist for myself, probably due to some of my own prejudices in relation to the age and background of the therapist I want. As a 60 year old highly intelligent lawyer with alot of life experience and wisdom, I feel that I would do best with a therapist who is at least 50 years old, has been practising at least 25 years and knows his/her stuff.. Does anyone know such a therapist with good reviews and credentials? Thank you.

[Knitting20projects]

I’d recommend having your son be involved and be sure he’s on board. He is 21 and possibly will feel more affinity and build better rapport with a younger therapist he can relate to more easily. I’m 50 and understand your wanting to apply your expertise and life experience to help him. As for finding someone, he might need a psychiatrist, plus a therapist and or ADHD coach. Or a psychologist for more detailed testing of his executive functioning. It all depends on his current difficulties and his level of interest in and commitment to getting help. It’s very hard as a parent though!!! Best wishes to you.

[Fin12345 in reply to Knitting20projects]

Thanks. My son has his own therapist and I participate in that therapy with him as requested by him and the psychologist, but at least for 10 minutes every session. He has also had 2 coaches. He has been thoroughly diagnosed(paid the big bucks for that!!!) However, I need therapy just for myself. I am finding it very difficult knowing how hard to push him in certain situations and when to leave him alone. There are MANY issues going on right now with him. For example, he has the ability to earn $350 per day 4 days a week from May-August performing. We require that both our sons contribute $4,000 per year from their own earnings to their university costs(I have twins). Last year this son earned over $7,000 performing only twice per week on average in the summer. This year he consistently refused to go and made the summer all about partying. He has just under $1,000 to contribute. I have never required or requested that he work through university, as with his time management issues I preferred that he focus on his course work and have reasonable social time. However, I do not feel like rewarding him for "goofing off" all summer, and I feel he should have to get a job now to make up the additioanl $3,000. I am reluctant to give him any spending money. He had $100 in his bank account this week (his own money) and spent $60 of it on alcohol. These are the types of issues I would like to have my own therapist to discuss. I want to be the best parent I can be, and sometimes it is hard to know the right thing to do when your child has ADHD.

[STEM_Dad in reply to Fin12345]

You might ask your son's therapist who they might recommend, since they likely know others in their profession in the area.

Besides that, try checking with your doctor, or sites like

psychologytoday.com/ca/

[iloveyou123456 in reply to STEM_Dad]

I have tried all of these methods and still cannot find the right person for myself

[STEM_Dad in reply to iloveyou123456]

I also tried BetterHelp, and two of the three therapists that I met with were helpful.

There are several services like that offering remote counseling now. I just don't know if any are available outside the US.

[Fin12345 in reply to STEM_Dad]

Thanks. Yes, there is BetterHelp here too. I guess I am just too picky about the credentials of the person, and their vintage.

[STEM_Dad in reply to Fin12345]

Well, you want to work well with them.

I'm not as concerned about vintage, as I am about a good connection.

The worst therapy experience that I had was with a marriage and family therapist who had stellar reviews, but who browbeat me in the session. I had to get another therapist to help me with the anxiety that LMFT contributed to. (He was "vintage", but the next one who helped so much after was a few years younger than me... though not so young that he was inexperienced.)

[Jalapenochips in reply to Fin12345]

OMG Fin 👏🏻👏🏻🤩 from what you’ce shared you have done a fantastic job and I have the same thoughts. I’m not sure where to push or let go of things more than half of her 16 years. I’m worried she’s using adhd as an excuse or manipulating a portion of the time. I don’t have any references for you, but I just wanted to share with you and say thank you for making me feel better. Best of luck to you and the family 🥰

[Fin12345 in reply to Jalapenochips]

Thanks so much for that. I am glad my sharing made you feel better. This is all so new to me. I am a non- stop reader and researcher on all aspects to of ADHD since my son was diagnosed recently, but it is always so hard to know if I am doing the right thing with specific situations, even though I have the benefit is wisdom at the age of 60. I did not foresee spending the next 20 years of my life raising a son that I already had late!

[Jalapenochips in reply to Fin12345]

Hey Fin, what a coincidence. I'm 63 (with working wisdom only) and raising my niece as a single parent since she was 2 and I was 50. 😆 We only want the best and safest future for our kids 🙏❤️

[Fin12345 in reply to Jalapenochips]

Exactly!

[Knitting20projects]

Oops!!! Sorry, I apparently can’t read today. I agree that perhaps his therapist will have recommendations. Also, maybe there are therapists in your area who specialize in neurodiversity and the stresses of parenthood (we have 2 kids with autism & ADHD & parents not in this situation, while sympathetic, truly don’t understand. It can be very isolating as a parent/family). You’re wise to get your own therapist. It’s a challenging marathon for sure. Wishing you luck. You’re not alone!

[Fin12345]

Thanks for your support. Does anyone have any views on tough love in parenting ADHD young adults who are not motivated?

[STEM_Dad in reply to Fin12345]

I know from watching videos of Dr Russell Barkley that because people with ADHD have struggles with time, the correction has to be close in time to the behavior.e.g. A teenager talks back to their mother, while their disciplinarian father is at work. The mom says, "wait until your father gets home and hears about this". The mom's warning wouldn't have much effect, besides riling up the teen more, because the consequences are too far removed from the offense.

I'm a big believer that whether tough love or a gentle approach is needed, all correction has to be made with love and the intention of teaching the youth, not ever our of anger or a desire to punish.

That being said, I'll admit that I am inconsistent and a bit too lenient with my kids, and so I need to adapt to be more consistent and more firm.

[Fin12345 in reply to STEM_Dad]

I agree and I have read all of Barkley’s books. But when an ADHD young man, for example, refuses to earn money when he could, by doing something they love ( performing), do you then give them one penny when they don’t have money?

[STEM_Dad in reply to Fin12345]

I'd say trust your own judgement.

I do think that I would have "grown up" a bit faster if my parents had used some tough love with me. I think that when I was in my early 20s and still living with them, when I wasn't in college as we had originally agreed to, I should have been paying them room and board.

(I was struggling with a lot of things at the time and was unable to get better employment than a part time job. I should have gotten counseling, but thought i couldn't afford it. I didn't take money from them, but I lived in their house rent-free and eating from their pantry. I feel a bit guilty about it still, almost 30 years later. They didn't pressure me to contribute money, only to help with chores and upkeep for the house and the cars that I drove.)

[Fin12345 in reply to STEM_Dad]

I appreciate your perspective since you have been there. My son is a sinder, songwriter and perfromer. Last summer he made $7,000 buskiing in 3 months. This year he could not motivate himself to go, but had lots of motivation to go out with friends every day and night. So he earned $1,000-with no reason. His father and I tried to motivate him all summer. Nothing would work. Now he is away at university(at a cost to us of $35,000 per year without us giving him any personal spending money.). He told me he intended to get a job lifeguarding at university(I have not required that he work during the university terms due to his time managemnt issues and wanting him to do well). Now he says they are only paying $15 per hour(he can make $150 per hour busking), and that they give you 6 hour shifts and you cannot cancel the shift or switch with anyone if you have a test, etc. He says he is going to try to make money with his music. But students dont give money on campus. He had all summer to make money. His father is worried he will steal or do something illegal, or borrow from someone, if we do not give him money, and keeps scaring me.

[Knitting20projects in reply to Fin12345]

I read a really interesting book by Dr Thomas Brown (a psychologist who specializes in ADHD) called “Smart But Stuck”, about the role of emotions in ADHD. He discusses several patients in depth that he has cared for over the years. It was really interesting. Maybe you would recognize some aspects of your situation in 1 of the cases? These were people with significant life disruption from ADHD. It was very interesting and eye opening.

[Superpups in reply to Fin12345]

Hello, our adhd daughter is 24 years old and just recently we had to completely cut her off financially. We had been supporting her by paying her rent, tuition, and helping with grocery and other essential spending for the past several years. About a year ago we learned she completely blew off an entire semester of school and failed every class. After many conversations and help from her advisor, she decided to go back to school last spring to finish and get her degree this December. We recently discovered by talking with her advisor that she did it again - blew off the semester and completed only one course in the spring. She had been lying to us about attending her spring classes and also about a summer class she was supposedly taking. We feel that we have no other choice than to cut her off and let her figure it out. We will support her with advice and suggestions if she asks but not financially especially after all the deception on her part. She’s on adhd meds but doesn’t want to do therapy or coaching which I think she definitely needs. Life with her is very difficult and I just don’t know where to turn. If anyone has thoughts, suggestions, advice I’d love to hear it.

[Fin12345 in reply to Superpups]

This is, to me, a clear cut "no brainer". The deceit makes it so. You do have no other choice IMHO. I feel your pain. But I think you have handled this fantastically. Keep up the good parenting. I wish my son's situation was as clear cut, as I think that makes it easier on the parent. PLease focus on taking care of yourself now.

[Superpups in reply to Fin12345]

Thank you! You take care of yourself as well. So important to do so in this parenting situation of ours❤️

[Redpanda5]

Hi there. Unfortunately traditional parenting (ie tough love) doesn’t work on kids with adhd. I do recommend a therapist who uses “motivational interviewing.” Google “psychologists motivational interviewing adhd” to bring up choices. They can teach you how to approach your son and make progress. Sorry I don’t have any therapist recommendations as I myself am currently researching this for an unmotivated 18 daughter but what I’ve read about this type of therapy is promising, albeit a slow process.

In addition, you may want to see if he has some underlying anxiety. It is common to have adhd and an anxiety disorder (which can look like laziness). I would ask the psychologist who did his adhd testing.

Good luck and don’t stop looking. There are so many options now that therapists can be virtual.

[anirush]

I found our therapist on the Psycholgy Today website.

[Hockeymom7810]

As a fellow parent of a son with ADHD I feel your stress and concern. There are definitely challenges at every life stage ! I am not sure if we are allowed to recommend/promote ourselves on this forum but I would love to see if I could help you as a parent/therapist/adhd coach… I am 50 years old and I have over a decade of experience. I also teach yoga/meditation and specialize in emdr and work virtually. I am new to the forum and joined to also get support for myself as a parent and learn from others experiences but I thought I would share this as well …. I hope I’m allowed to

[Fin12345 in reply to Hockeymom7810]

I would love to connect, but I am not sure how we can given the public nature of this forum

[Hockeymom7810]

headandheartcollective.com

Megan

[Fin12345]

I am in Canada and you are in the US, so my insurance would not cover you.

[SonoAlVerde]

Hi Fin12345, I can relate.

First of all, congratulations to your son for pulling in $7k last summer; I'm sorry it's not happening this year. I'm new to this, but from what I understand, it can sometimes feel like climbing Mt. Everest for these young adults with ADHD, even when they want or like doing the thing that we as parents need them to do -- still wrapping my mind around that.

I'm also 60 and spent the big bucks to get my son, who is entering college, tested. The result was ADHD inattentive. Upon diagnosis, his Psychologist sent him the report, the paperwork he needed to fill out, and information on how to get the help he needed in college. I asked her how, with his inattentiveness, he was supposed to do all these things required of him. It's not an exact quote, but she said, "he may not do what he needs to get help, that people with this disorder often have to hit rock bottom before they get the help they need."

As much as I DON'T want to see my son hit rock bottom, having someone say it to me was helpful. I've been catching him for the last 18 years for financial reasons and to force him forward into adulthood. He's often angry and short with me because I'm the one with the list and nagging him to attend to it.

I'm soon to be looking for the help of a therapist myself. I like the staff at Flourish Therapy + Wellness Center 626-585-8075, ext. 108 or [e-mail]. They're very methodical. Give them a try. If you are looking for someone older, they can refer you.

"Vintage" can be helpful, but I've had plenty of more senior medical doctors who didn't give me the help I needed. However, after transferring to someone younger, I found that older physicians weren't keeping up with the latest in their field, which made me live with a treatable condition longer than I needed to. It's more a matter of finding the right fit.