Hardships And I Need To Vent

[SelfLove378]

My daughter has untreated ADHD, Depression and Dysgraphia. She received treatment for her ADHD until December 2022. Her medication left her unable to speak complete full sentences. I asked the doctor to put her on a lower dose of the same medication and the doctor decided to pull her off the medication. Her now untreated ADHD is overwhelming her daily. She is now 18 years old. She is upset with me because I reduced her college fund. I reduced the funds because she only gave me three graduation tickets for our family of five. She was also being very disrespectful to my husband and I on a consistent basis. My mom was furious that my daughter was withholding graduation tickets from her and my stepdad. Everything blew up in the matter of seconds. My daughter is now warming back up to me after I apologized for reducing her college fund and restored it. But, she is still acting distant. I do not have any mental health issues. I am the only one without mental health issues in my household. My son and daughter both have ADHD and learning disabilities. My husband has an anxiety disorder and special needs (he told me about them after we had been married for two years). I have made up in my mind that I have to take care of me.

[Peerandparent]

The first rule for people in your situation:

You cannot be effective in supporting other people if you are unable to attend to your own needs.

This is my way of saying that in light of the challenges you describe in your post, the last sentence made my day. It's absolutely essential that we take care of ourselves, because the better you're able to do that, the more you'll be able to offer your lived ones.

With your husband, while I have... Feelings about keeping something like that secret, my hope is that he felt he had it well enough managed that he didn't expect it to be an issue. Personally I'd put keeping something like that in the same category as not sharing that you have diabetes.

Anyway, with respect to withdrawing treatment, the symptoms you were describing doesn't sound like typical ADHD or typical side effects from treatment. Perhaps her doctor was concerned about another mental or physical health issue. Was she fully assessed when diagnosed with ADHD? It's not outside the realm of possibility that the original diagnosis of ADHD was in error or was incomplete (i.e. that she has ADHD and something else)

Unfortunately, once she's 18, as long as she remains capable of making medical decisions, she has final say not only in what she does, but how much you know about. At this point it's important to maintain your relationship with her as best you can, so hopefully she can talk to you about what's going on with her, and have conversations about the things that concern you.

But again, bravo for making the decision to do what you need to for your own sake!

[SelfLove378 in reply to Peerandparent]

Thank you for your reply. I went out to eat with some friends and took a long walk today in honor of taking better care of me. When we practice self care we have more to give to our loved ones.

[Knitting20projects]

Gosh, that sounds so hard. I don’t know much else to add except that I have a very stressful situation (2 kids with significant needs) and I have to do some things for myself or else I will be useless for my kids. I also have ADHD diagnosed only in middle age (50) and am being treated after always feeling overwhelmed. However, I think anyone would feel overwhelmed with many of our parenting challenges. Sounds like you are prioritizing yourself as best you can which is great! And finding others who get it.

[Hidden]

The withholding of graduation tickets- it’s exactly the thing I can imagine myself doing something stupid like this when I was 18 and not knowing I had ADHD and why I was impulsive and falling out with people and all… Think about it in terms - does it really matter, will someone die or get serious harm because of it? It’s just hurt feelings of your mum and yes, that’s serious, but she needs to know that your daughter has ADHD and this means that certain parts of brain work differently and always will work differently. She is only 18! Her executive function is at the level of 14-16 year old at best. Hate it in mind. When she is 24 her executive function will be as person of age 17. Remember this when you judge her.

And all else others replied is right- you take care of yourself.

Also, has your daughter considered trying another ADHD medication? There are a few meds available.

My son is now completely off meds too as he developed serious tachycardia and we found he’s got a heart condition which we are yet to check. However once we check his heart properly with a cardiologist I am considering trying another ADHD medication. But it’s easier as he’s younger…

[sceller]

I agree with the posts below, but I have one other piece of advice: I would restrict your daughter's access to college funds....at this age, she is unlikely to have good money management skills and may not even be able to handle college right now. Don't worry about her being angry - she will get over it! The post about her developmental age being 14-16 is spot-on.....they don't really mature until about age 25-26!