I need to vent - any advise is welcome

[Brandonmorris]

My twin 10 y/o daughters were diagnosed with ADHD back when they were 5, we tried meds...they were TERRIBLE went through 3 different medications...all of them BAD...completely changed their whole personality so we took them off the meds completely.

The end of last year we had them retested, testing was actually for learning disabilities, ADHD was re-diagnosed as well as dyslexia.

My wife and I have never really dealt with ADHD, to be very transparent, I feel like I'm being punished. I used to thing that ADHD was myth or a copout b/c parents didn't want to discipline their children. OKAY, I GET IT...I was SO wrong, can we just be done!? I KNOW, it doesn't work like that.

I'm learning more and more. Impulse control, they don't have it. They say, do, or don't do almost anything...Chores are a joke. I love my kids, my wife too...but they are hard kids!

This is going to sound bad, IT makes me ANGRY...not my kids, but the whole thing...ADHD makes me angry. I'm learning it's not their fault. To the point that I'm seeing a therapist. While dealing with my own anger, he's educating me on ADHD which is helping, to a point. I struggle with where does the line get drawn between impulse control, chores, etc and ADHD being a crutch for them to not do what they don't want to do. Turns out I may have ADHD, per the therapist, but he's talking PTSD to boot. When I lose my cool, I feel like I'm failing my kids...

So, yeah, there's that...this was not my intention when I logged on here this morning. I just want my kids to thrive despite ME...I'm working on me, so whatever has to happen to get mine and their crap together, we'll do it...I feel like I'm losing mine most of the time.

Thanks for reading have a BLESSED day!

[Momrocket]

Kudos Kudos Kudos to you for seeking therapy to deal with the challenges life is throwing you. Really good job, Dad.

I have found a non-drug method that is helping us. It's not that well known you may not have heard of it. We are going to the doctors at mensahmedical.com. They optimize cognitive health with diet, vitamins and amino acids. In our family we saw complete reversal of depression, suicidality (only when our son ate dyes), lessening of anxiety. Our son lost his High Functioning Autism diagnosis. GFCFDF diet made sensory sensitivity much much less. This diet is also recommended for ADHD kids. In our house, it was immediately obvious we parents had to go on the diet too if we were restricting our kid's food intake. Mensah Medical's method has worked really well for our son and made my ADHD symptoms much more manageable so far. The method has also eliminated hair-trigger anger and lashing out in my husband, thank God. I am expecting more improvement in my own ADHD because my numbers are still high--will be looking into diet with their nutritionist to see if I can move faster towards my optimal numbers.

I sought out this method (found out about it through the book Nutrient Power by Bill Walsh) because our son was suffering from bouts of suicidality only when he ate dyes starting at age 7. At age 13 the writing was on the wall and I was desperate. I wasn't going to be able to keep him from hurting himself much longer since he was destined to be 6'3".

So grateful I found this method that continues to help our whole family.

Best of luck to you! Hang in there I know things will improve.

[Gxcccc]

I feel your pain! Read “Driven to Distraction” by Hallowell or get an audio book copy if you don’t have time to read it. I have read many books on ADHD. I finally understood once I read this one. Understating helped reduce my stress immensely.

[Aloysia]

Hi,

If you tried meds when they were 5, or even 8, please consider trying again. Kids tolerate the meds much better by the time they are 10. But start with different meds then you tried before.

We tried meds with our son when he was 8. The first one gave him severe stomach aches and headaches. The second one, the teacher told us that it made him sad. So we stopped. We just started again at age 11 and he says that it makes him feel less angry, able to follow instructions better, able to get HW done in less time, etc. No side effects so far, although we'll have to wait and see about weight issues.

My daughter started on meds when she was 9 (she's now 10). Since it took a long time to get her diagnosed. The first med we didn't see any effect. The second med was too disgusting for her to choke down. The 3rd med has been effective and she has no side effects, only improvement in her behavior.

Hang in there!!

Some resources that helped me:

ImpactParents.com

AdditudeMag.com

Understood.org (ADHD plus learning disabilities)

Take care,

Heather

[Redpanda5]

I ditto Aloysia. I would also like to reiterate to not give up on medication. My daughter went through so many that it was well over a year and way more than than 3 medications before we found the right ones (she also has to take anti-depressants for anxiety). This was sixth grade - in 10th grade now.

It was discovered through a cotton swab genetic test that her body was metabolizing the medications too quickly so testing helped the doctor narrow in on what she could take. We found a medication shortly thereafter. The test was by the company Genomind that her psychiatrist gave me. We took the kit home and did swab test first thing in the morning before taking food and mailed it in the provided envelope.

Also make sure you’re using a psychiatrist for medication not a pediatrician. We were lucky that our pediatrician knew her limitations and referred us to a psychiatrist.

You sound like an amazing father. Don’t give up. The hard gets easier as medication and strategies fall into place. Simply put, you just get better at it. Empowerment will come with the more you learn.

[ADHD_DAD]

Hang in there my friend! It feels like it, but you are not alone. Lots of us know what you are going through. Just a few bits of advice (because I am better at that than the supportive stuff and because that's usually what I am seeking). First, don't give up on the medications. Not sure what you observed about change in personality, but ADHD is not my son. My son has ADHD. Sometimes I look at it like ADHD is the Hulk and my son is Bruce Banner. So yeah, he's different on the meds because the monster is kept at bay (until they wear off, when it rears its ugly head again). That leads me to the second piece of advice. If your home allows for it, try to find a private space for yourself, one for your wife and one for the kids. Sometimes you need need a space to go to. Here, I used some of my pandemic home time to make the basement a comfortable mancave space for me to hang out (i.e., hide). My son has a hang out room that's just his connected to his bedroom. My wife seized the bedroom/ sitting room area for herself. Then we try our best to respect each other's areas. The other thing that works for me is noise canceling headphones. Lately, I have been fond of blues instrumental (because I hear enough words when I don't have the headphones on). Finally, exercise really helps. It helps me and it REALLY helps my son with ADHD. We walk 2-3 miles everyday together (my rule is that as long as his feet are moving, his mouth can be moving; something about the movement and the space makes it easier to tolerate his constant chatter), then depending upon the season, weekends are kayaks or hiking or skiing- anything to keep us moving. Now that covid is settling down locally, we enrolled him with a personal trainer with whom he works out 3 times per week in addition to the walks with me. It really helps. Trial and error with medications is the norm and we have all been there, but they are a necessary part of the management. I know the meds are controversial to some here, but not to my family. We takes meds when we need them and my wife and I signed up the very first day we were eligible for the covid vaccine (and I've now had both shots). Similarly, my son received all of his vaccinations as a child and he takes medication whenever he needs it including for ADHD. No one has any fun when the Hulk shows up! Good luck to you.

[Toronto73 in reply to ADHD_DAD]

We can relate to your post on SO many levels- it actually made me laugh and I needed that today! and we agree that nobody has fun when the hulk shows up! Thanks for making us feel that we are not the only ones in the world dealing with the ups and downs of dealing with ADHD. (our 7 yo son has ADHD)

[StellarMom]

I am dealing a lot with my own anger about this. My oldest son was just born DIFFICULT. Like literally from birth. Just diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety, & ODD. The labels made me sad, but explained so much of the behaviors. Then I had to deal with the guilt. I married their dad who passed these things on to my kids. I am a person of faith, but I still struggle.How can you not? You see so many kids who can do what’s expected of them. We are taught to judge how good of a parent you are by how your child behaves. So where does that leave us?? Frankly feeling like crappy failures most of the time right!

So I’m learning to manage my expectations. There are only so many battles I can go through every day so my principle & pride take a beating but it has to go because there’s just not enough energy.

I am learning to enjoy the good parts of my kids because they are there. I just have to adapt to them rather than expect them to change to fit my demands. They can do a lot of what I ask, I just have to figure out a way to motivate them so it enables them to succeed.

I say allow yourself time to be a mess. This is freaking hard. Yeah all parenting is hard, but this is harder! Our kids ARE different. They are more challenging. But that means that WE are stronger for it.

This group has been a safe place for me to vent & I really need it. These challenges can make one feel very isolated. Allow yourself time and patience to feel all the emotions this brings up. Frustration, sadness, guilt, and yes anger. We are not just parents we are also individuals with our own feelings & I think there’s some grief that our kids won’t have it as easy as others’ & neither do we!

You’re doing a great job! We need to hear that... it’s ok if it’s messy, you’re still doing a great job!!

[Itsastruggle in reply to StellarMom]

Oh how I need to hear this too. My son is 12 he was diagnosed with ADHD when he was 5 and it has been a rough journey. Sometimes I just want to scream. My son knows how do what is expected of him and refuses to. It gets to me when he cannot focus long enough to complete his homework or a simple house chore. For some reason it's really gotten to me lately.

We have tried several meds and it seems like once you find something that works, the companies stop making the medication. Or Insurance stops covering it.

As a parent it's a puzzle because the Dr and Psychiatrist say give these meds to him. They see your child for minimal time make changes to the med and then if it backfires you call and they say take them off of that med and we can always try another.....

The aftermath of a bad reaction adds to the stress of already trying to help your child. It's a never ending vicious cycle.

Sometimes I even doubt myself for ever putting him on medication. I question if the behaviors are intensified because he has been on meds. I hope I am doing what is best for his future. But who are we to know.

My faith in God helps me everyday an I believe that when I feel something isn't quite right with my boy, my motherly instinct and faith guide me to take the steps to help him succeed.

[StellarMom in reply to Itsastruggle]

I'm recommending Finally Focused by Bill Gottlieb & James Greenblatt, MD to everyone. It's written by an integrative psychiatrist, whose perspective I really appreciate because he takes an integrative approach to include specific instructions about supplements in addition to medicine, if necessary.

[Indymama94]

You're doing a great job! The fact that you're in therapy and trying so had speaks VOLUMES to what an amazing parent you are. I feel like a crap mom 99% of the time too but my therapist always reminds me of this: shitty parents don't care that they're shitty parents. The fact you care about how you and your behavior impacts them excludes you from the bad parent club. I am trying to get someone to take us seriously and get some therapy for my daughter. All I can say on that front is that these kids are so amazing and SO HARD. They can be both and we can admit that it's really hard to be the parent of a kid with ADHD or any other neurodivergence for that matter. I don't have advice on how to help your kids lord knows I don't even know where to start with mine right now. But I'm in the trenches with you we're not alone here!

[MomAndy]

I will thank you for your girls because most likely they will not. Not right now anyway. Thank you for trying. Thank you for loving them. Thank you for seeing and acknowledging their differences. My son is ADHD (both types) and is on the Autism spectrum. It’s hard, really hard. I hope you feel a little better reading all these comments, and knowing you’re not the only one trying to be the best parent that you can for your kids.

[momofjust2boys]

I think you're amazing! You are trying to make life better for your wife, your kids, and yourself. Please continue to post back and let us know how you are doing.