Follow Up From My Difficult Teacher Post 🙏

[Bootsie1]

What do you think? Will Ms. XYZ take offense?

This is a follow up a post I put out to this community earlier in the week.

I put this email together after advice from some of you all.

Hi Ms XYZ,

My name is xxxxx and I am the mother of yyyyyyy in your World Civ Honors class this year.  I have noticed that xxxxx is experiencing higher-than-normal anxiety at school this year, and we did some digging to find out why, it appears to be because of what he is experiencing in your classroom.  I can appreciate and understand the high expectations you set for the students in your classroom and that you're holding them to the same standards you hold yourself to, which is why I am hopeful you can understand that for a student with ADHD, it's tremendously difficult to be called out in front of his peers whenever he may be having difficulty staying on track.

My son is doing his absolute best to pay attention, learn and dedicate himself to his studies, and I would appreciate it if you would pull him aside in a less public manner if there are items you wish to discuss with him.  Furthermore, because this has become such a regular occurrence, I think it may be in his best interest and the best interest of your classroom dynamic if I can come and meet with you face-to-face so that together, we can come up with the best solution for both of you.  I hope that you can understand that as a mother, the last thing I want for my son is to come to school, and your class in particular with anxiety over how he will be spoken to.

Thank you in advance for your attention to this matter and I look forward to speaking with you more so that we can come up with a solution that will benefit everyone.

Mrs, 🙅‍♀️

[STEM_Dad]

It seems very well written, and a reads as a reasonable request.If the teacher takes offense, I don't think it would be to this letter.

[Imakecutebabies]

As a former teacher, the following wordings in particular would... Not offend me, but put me on the defensive:

" it appears to be because of what he is experiencing in your classroom. "

" I would appreciate it if you would pull him aside in a less public manner if there are items you wish to discuss with him. "

The first one sounds accusatory without giving any details, and the second one sounds like you are dictating directions and expecting them to be followed.

Remember that you want the teacher on your team --that means they don't want to feel that you are angry with them or ordering them around, but rather bringing up a problem to work on together.

Suggestions for the above:

"It came up that he feels really anxious when called out in front of others for his misbehavior " (explains the problem without sounding finger -pointing)

"We are hoping you can find a way to speak privately with him when there is behavior you need to discuss--even if it is just a quick pause by his desk with a whispered reminder" (allows the teacher agency, includes your son in the wish, and gives a suggestion for how to accomplish this in case the teacher isn't sure how to change their teaching style)

Finally, the section starting with "furthermore" through the end of that paragraph again makes you sound like an aggrieved parent who needs placating, rather than a partner in the effort. Yes, when my son is being mistreated, I AM an aggrieved parent who needs placating, so I totally get the feeling you're trying to convey here... But if I read it through my teacher glasses instead of my parent glasses, my response would be to find a way to placate you, rather than to truly work with you and see you as a partner in the effort. In your email, I would succinctly emphasize the let's-meet-to-come-up-with-a-good-plan-together part and de-emphasize the this-has-happened-too-much-and-I-am-concerned part.

Hope that helps!

-Former teacher, now parent of a child with ADHD

[NYCmom2 in reply to Imakecutebabies]

Agreed! The written word can easily be misconstrued as attacking. Would requesting a meeting be a better choice than sending an email?

[LAJ12345 in reply to Imakecutebabies]

I agree

[Benaware]

Thanks for sharing I am inspired by your humble approach of asking others for input.

I also agree with some comments made about having the teacher being in your side. One thing I will mention along those lines showing gratitude/kindness towards the teacher for her support on helping your child been successful in school can go a long way. For example, this is something I did with my son’s teacher, I asked my son to do an act of kindness to the teacher. He gave her a flower to encourage her when she was sick, that seems to really help soften their relationship. I always say kindness can make all the difference. Perhaps there are some ways for your son to connect with his teacher.

I hope things get better. Best of luck..