We now have the ADHD diagnosis I had suspected for some time. But the ADHD is alongside Depression. I'm feeling discouraged because over the years she has always resisted counseling, which we've tried several times (she struggles more than our other kids when things don't go her way), resists medication, and seems to believe that if X improves (friendships, school, if I stop hassling her, etc.), her life will improve. Maybe with the diagnosis and the follow-up visit to the psychiatrist, she'll be willing to take steps to help herself succeed.
She hasn't made friends at her school (new city 1.5 years ago), and is struggling academically also. Has no extra-curriculars because she quit her long-time sport at the end of last school year, and refuses to try anything new for fear of failure. She is smart but a typical college experience seems very unlikely for her absent significant improvements across the board.
Looking for encouragement and/or advice!
Thank you.
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longhorn9
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Welcome to the group we are all on this journey together. Maybe once she sees things working it will help her. Maybe think about getting a 504 plan to help make things better in school for her. There are many accommodations that could help her like extra time, teachers notes, etc..
Maybe since the psychiatrist recommends medication she will be willing to try it.
My kiddo is so much younger (6.5 yo boy) that I don't know if my thoughts would help but I often think that ADHD looks much more like depression to someone on the outside. I'm bipolar so I kind of assumed ADHD would look like mania. But, as my wife, who also has it, always tells me, it's really a totally different animal, as it were. I doubt that helps, but hang in there!
Welcome to the group! My daughter was 12 when she was diagnosed, while suffering from depression. The diagnosis was the beginning of all the changes we were were working towards. The diagnosis was so helpful in her understanding why she felt so different than everyone else. I would suggest trying to find a therapist who specializes in ADHD. Also, if you haven’t already done so, look into articles about adhd diagnosis in girls . They are diagnosis way later than boys and are usually suffering from depression before the diagnosis. Good luck mama! You are a great mom!
I’m sorry that you’re struggling and that your teen is in a tough place. The best advise I have is to ask her pediatrician to talk with your child about the importance of self-care (i.e. individual/group counseling) and medication. Maybe a school counselor could also be a positive influence? Does your student have a 504? Whether she does or not, as for academic support and group counseling social/emotional resources at school. perhaps your child can’t accept parental advice (mine can’t) but can be positively influenced by medical/academic professionals and peers.
My child went through similar resistance to professional help. I actually forced them to go to counseling—-I barred their privileges until they would go talk with a professional. I felt guilty about it—-controlling—-but thankfully my child was connected with a counselor that made a world of positive difference. I matter of factly told me kid that they had to go or they would loss cell phone/gaming privileges. My kid was angry and stubborn but I calmly stood my ground. It was hard but if my kid has some sort of urgent medical condition I would find a way to get them treatment—-my child’s mental Heath functioning was poor and the actions that we took have enabled him to improve.
After counseling sessions we would do something fun as a reward or have a favorite meal.
Good luck. I know it’s hard. Talk with the pediatrician and the school—-get help.
My daughter was diagnosed at age 5 and is now in middle school. It seems like every year, someone new is driving the bus. Sometimes it’s adhd. Sometimes it’s anxiety. Sometimes it’s depression. We always have to figure out which one is driving and try to really focus on that driver. When it’s anxiety, we do lots of stress reducing supplements and activities: magnesium, gaba, epsom salt baths, therapy, as well as Zoloft. When it’s depression, we focus on activity. It’s hard to be depressed when you’re busy, especially if it’s something she loves. And the adhd is always there. We do stimulants, 504 plan accommodations, and education. I take copies of Russell Barkley’s book, Managing ADHD in the Classroom to each of her teachers at the beginning of the school year. I would encourage you to have her read and study about adhd. Knowles is power and it’s great to find out that you’re not alone. Show her how others have survived and thrived with adhd. My daughter thinks of it as her super power now. Good luck! Also, support groups for mom are very helpful. You can’t pour from an empty cup.
Fellow parent here with a 17yo daughter with adhd, anxiety, depressive episodes and an eating disorder.
She resists seeing a therapist - has for all the years I forced her to go, but it didn’t help and the most recent therapist told me that dragging her to see a therapist was pointless unless she is on board. I did the whole “if you go, you get a reward” method for years, dragging her to therapist after therapist with no real change. Exhausting for us both.
The most successful things I have tried are (a) homeschooling (the school refusal was out of control for YEARS - wish I’d done it sooner) and a great psychiatrist who she has seen for 9 years now and been through the thick and thin. He has seen how little works and has brought her back from the depths of anxiety and depression under his attentive care. We are starting a whole new category of meds this week which is terrifying because they’re the big ones but nothing else has worked to rid her of her lack of motivation in life and fear of the future.
Outside of trying things to help her, the final thing I’ve done is to help myself. I drew a line in the sand, stepped over it, and have accepted who she is and accepted a life that may look different than my original expectations. She is not going to go to college like my other two children and she may never be able to hold down a job (her part time job this summer never got easier for her). It’s terrifying. I take ONE day at a time (as my psychiatrist tells me) and have supportive family and my faith in God who will never let me down.
Your have support on this board. Great souls here. You are not alone. If I can do this, you can do this.
Hey! Writing to offer my empathy. What you and your daughter are going through isn’t easy. She’S lucky to have a parent who is concerned about her mental well being and looking out for her.
A reminder that kids with ADHD often receive a much higher proportion of negative feedback than kids without which could contribute to low self esteem, depression and anxiety.
It’s important to remind your daughter about the things that make her great and offer lots of positive reinforcement for successes.
Good sleep and exercise are also helpful for managing depression.
Perhaps try art courses if sports don’t seem as appealing.
Volunteering can also be a rewarding positive experience.
And she’s right — if school or friends improved she would likely feel better. But those things don’t improve on their own and professional help could make it happen easier and faster.
I identify somewhat with your experience. My daughter was diagnosed with anxiety in 8th grade and with ADHD at around 16. High school was hard. Freshman year in college was hard. She flunked out during the pandemic, but she is back at it. Looking back, it wasn't surprising that she has ADHD when this was suggested by her therapist, but I never saw it before that. My daughter has never resisted therapy, but it hasn't always helped her, and she has tried many different types of therapy. I think we all just wanted something to work and solve the "problem". I think she, before us, came to accept that she is not neurotypical, and that figuring that out and accepting it is the best thing for her. It took her encouraging us to learn more about ADHD for me to watch videos and read books, articles and blog posts by people with ADHD. This helps me immensely as, otherwise, I don't understand why she does what she does. It helps me move from negative to positive feedback, from criticism to support (which she desperately needs due to all the difficult and negative experiences she has daily/weekly due to her ADHD). I do find I have to remind myself often by reading, watching videos, etc. because her experience is so different from mine, and I don't always "get it". So, my advice is to learn all you can about ADHD. This helps me be the parent she needs in a world where she doesn't fit in. I agree with Redpanda5 who said she "accepted who she [her daughter] is and accepted a life that may look different than my original expectations." My husband and I have to remind ourselves of this often. It helps all of us.
This group has really helped me as a mom! Thank you for providing such on-point feedback. I didn't know anything about ADHD up until 4 days ago, so I am trying to learn as much as I can to be supportive of her and to simply accept that she is experiencing life differently from me and most others. The thing that y'all have said that is probably most important for me now is her need for positive encouragement because most of her experiences have been negative. I need to find ways for her to find successes. Thank you all.
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