Don’t know how to deal with parents dislike of my daughter with ADHD and autism.

[Boon79]

I’m in such a bad place at the moment.

My 12 year old daughter has ADHD and autism.

She jumps from one friend to the next, often attracted to the badly behaved kids, and she gets herself into trouble.

She has been excluded from school for the day twice for spitting, and has had detention twice since starting her new school a few months ago.

The parents of some of her ‘friends’ really dislike her. Tbh they are quite rough n ready types.

Because of my daughter’s negative behaviour, she’s often blamed for things that she hasn’t done.

We had the police at our house this evening because one of these ‘friends’ blamed her for something that she genuinely didn’t do.

My heart is breaking. She can be so loving and funny, but I find it so hard to connect with her at times.

Any advice or tips would be welcome 🙏

[MeadowLane5]

My 12 year old daughter sounds extremely similar to yours. Does your daughter have a lunch bunch group she can join in school? I find that on the day my daughter has lunch bunch ( at times only once a week) she is more calm and has less “negative” behavior at school. I’ve been asking for more lunch bunch sessions but that’s another story . What extracurricular or hobbies is your daughter interested in? Ours likes cooking and farming so we signed her up for classes at the botanical garden by us. It’s has been a great experience and I highly recommend.

[Boon79 in reply to MeadowLane5]

Thanks for replying. It’s good to know that I’m not alone.My daughter loves rugby and is in a team. They train twice a week after school and have matches some Sundays. She also goes to Youth Club once a week.

There is a quiet area in her school at lunchtimes, but she says she doesn’t want to go because her friends aren’t in there.

I dread the school holidays!

[MeadowLane5 in reply to Boon79]

You are definitely not alone! The school has me on speed dial 🤦🏻‍♀️! . Happy your daughter enjoys rugby! That’s amazing that she can be on a team!! I hope for the day mine can do that. As for friendship building, Have you tried social scripts ? I find my daughter has no idea how to manage small talk and needs help knowing what to say and when to stop. She s extremely talkative but sometimes overbearing, and loses track. Highly recommend American girl book series- the ones called The feeling book, knowing what to say, worry, drama rumors and secrets.. my eldest daughter who’s on spectrum has learned so much from those books and slowly my youngest ( age 12) will as well.

[Boon79 in reply to MeadowLane5]

The books sound great. Just what my daughter needs. I’ll have a look for them. The rugby team has been good for her and tires her out 😀.

Let’s hope things get easier as they get older!

[MeadowLane5]

Hope she likes the books!! It better get easier I’m exhausted- we pray and hope for the best

[Onthemove1971]

Thanks for sharing what is going on.

When this happened to us in the past I realized I needed to give our son more tools so he could deal with things like peer relationships, school stresses, etc.

What tools do you have in place for her?

Some things are: thearpy, medication and an educational plan. The school can write in an educational plan social stories, which is role playing situations so she starts to understands how to deal with things.

Hope you find the right support for her.

[Boon79 in reply to Onthemove1971]

She has medication for ADHD, but the specialist thinks that if the autism is more the issue, then the meds won’t work. I am planning to join a support group soon.

[HoldingonLou]

I don't have any great advice here but those books with scripts and role playing sounds great. The only thought I had was does the school have a parental support group where you can get together and share concerns. This may help. If not, ask their counseling department to start one.

[SanityCoaching]

My daughter is 13 and over the years we have have lost parent friends as well as her losing multiple friends. Many parents just don’t get it because their children don’t suffer the same way. She is judged by them and they have turned their kids against her. I was told that we should institutionalize our daughter by one mother and another told us we should have more kids so she could learn to socialize. It makes me so mad! We are on our 3rd school and I hope the last. my daughter has finally found her “people” and the parents get it because they have been there too. There are multiple kids with ADHD, GAD, OCD, etc. I spent 3hrs talking to other parents exchanging experiences on the first day of school. They have a mandatory Socialization class and a mandatory executive functioning class - when kids have disagreements they go to one of the councilors and talk it out. Unfortunately it is not a public school and we had to go through a lot to get her there, but it was worth it. All that to say is that your child may just need a place she is understood and accepted.

[Boon79 in reply to SanityCoaching]

This sounds so much like us. It’s heartbreaking.If I could afford a private school I would send her (not residential). Every time my daughter plays out, I dread what’s going on,’ whose parents will be messaging me etc. I hope it gets easier with time.

I am so pleased that your daughter has now found her place 🥰

[jolinn in reply to Boon79]

Private schools are not necessarily the answer. Sometimes they can be worse as parents who are paying for them can put pressure on the school regarding students these parents do not want there. Money is powerful. Nasty stuff.

[Jorge51 in reply to jolinn]

I agree we had an experience with our grandson and private Catholic school. Were is faith nowhere but in the in God er trust bill. Did Jesus complain or separate his followers? No! I was forced to attend a private Catholic school. I saw so much degradation and abuse by the church!!!!!

[momofthree3]

Hi. I feel for you and your daughter. I especially feel for you as I know how difficult it can be to be so disliked by other parents when all you want to do is have them understand where your daughter is coming from, you want them to understand that you have done most everything you can to help your daughter not be so misunderstood. I honestly do not think that any parent can truly understand until they have been through it themselves, so I feel like the best advice I can give is to stay strong, try to put out the fires as they come in the most calm manner possible and hope that others will somewhat understand, and to find a support group of other parents that you can turn to. I have been trying to find a support group online where parents can get together and just relate to one another in real time, but with not much luck! If I come across something I'll post it here. Hang in there.

[momofthree3]

I forgot to add, it has been my experience that if the other parents just choose to dislike us without trying to reach out and have a conversation (through which we could possibly let them know what is going on, and that they would try to work it through with us) then there is no hope for them. I have had grown men (age 50+) literally walk away from me to avoid talking to me. I had one dad tail me for 3 miles because of something he thinks my son did (which he didn't). I figure, if these grown adults can't deal with a situation by having a conversation, and instead choose to be rude to us, ignore us, or literally turn their backs on us, then there is no hope in dealing with them. I have chosen to do my best to keep my chin up and breathe deeply, although I am always crying inside. I just wish the parents and other kids would try and understand my kid.

[Boon79]

One parent called the Police on my daughter for something that she didn’t do. Because she couldn’t understand the question that they were asking, and I couldn’t help because I wasn’t there when the incident took place, she now has a record for 12 months.When she explained it to me after the Police left, she agreed to something that she hadn’t done.

I have tried to explain to some parents about her autism and ADHD, but you can see that it means nothing to them.

Having a father tailgate you is awful. And they have the cheek to accuse your son of bad behaviour!

I hope things get better for you all.

[anirush]

Socialization is really tough. My grandson had a class in middle school that was for children who are having problems with anger and socialization. It was a great class part of his IEP.One or two friends that understand is better than a group. My 17 year old grandson has never had a big group of friends. He often eats lunch alone if his friends don't have the same lunch.

His anxiety keeps him from putting himself out there too much.

Is she in counseling? We found that really helps too. The counselor presents social situations and what could have been done differently.

Good luck.

[BoyMother]

I can relate to the parent aspect. Our kids are often socially excluded, not just by other kids but parents too! It breaks my heart to see! I do believe lack of parental education is part of the problem. My son is fortunate to have 3 friends from school who have stood by him into adulthood. He has also made some bad choices and was backed into a corner and lost a lot of money. It’s tough out there.

[Jorge51]

I have the same problem with my grandson! He can be a bully. I ask him why r u acting so aggressively. His response has also been, they do not want to play with me!!!!