Boys fighting and escalating

[Bunny5689]

My three boys are diagnosed with ADHD and they are 12,10, & 8. My oldest and youngest boy butt heads a lot. My question is related to sibling rivalry and how you manage it. My boys will escalate behavior and my youngest gets so dysregulated that he flys into a rage. This particular fight started because my youngest was trying to get my oldest’s attention by threatening to pop his new soccer ball. My oldest finally got it from him and I didn’t see what happened, but from what my older son told me, he pinned him down and got it away from him. Well, my youngest was running after his brother with a golf club. He then started cursing at me (we don’t use profanity) and was so angry and dysregulated that I will have to restrain him. Later that day after my husband got home, he started raging again and my husband had to do the same thing. We had my youngest son evaluated by our Pediatyric Psych NP (who evaluated our other two boys) and she said he has ADHD but his anger is next level. It like 0-100 in a couple seconds. Many times he is tired or hungry when this occurs. I wanted to see if anyone has insight into this and some things that have helped. Also, my youngest doesn’t like being on medicine. I tried him on 5mg of Methylphenidate but he gets nauseous and at this point, refuses to take it. He’s really good at school and during sports and for other people but he’s really hard for me to manage. Things were really hard for him during lockdown and his tantrums were really bad. He doesn’t do well with unstructured down time, has very little patience for perceived difficult tasks. If this resonates with anyone and you have sibling suggestions about what would help I’d love your thoughts. We primarily do positive discipline, redirecting behavior, and consequences depending on the situation. If they break something I get them to help fix it, pay for it, work it off with chores, etc.

I spoke to both boys today about their behavior yesterday. Both boys know the behavior is wrong but its like when they are in the moment, nothing helps. I wonder if giving a consequence at this point or taking away a privilege would help them remember to use skills instead of reacting. I tell them to come to me if they are having a hard time dealing with a conflict but they’re dad has given the message that they need to figure it out. So they’re getting mixed messages. I cannot control his behavior, just mine so I provide a caring, warm, atmosphere to help them resolve matters. I’m also working with my oldest son and explaining to hm how his behavior has consequences that trickle down and his brothers emulate him .

I will say i’ve noticed a similar dynamic in other families when there are three closely spaced kids of the same gender.

We (my husband and I) tried behavior therapy with a highly recommended psychologist we were working with. He specialized in ADHD and he tended to use a very strict approach and wanted to do contracts and it really turned my husband off.

I just don’t know which interventions we should try. Family therapy, conflict resolution? I just want us all to get along better.

[abryans]

the book 1,2,3 Magic helped my husband and I with our kids. My son, who is now 12, becomes very dysregulated when he is tired or hungry. So many times he has an apparently irrational melt down that dissipates as soon as he gets something to eat! We are trying to get him to recognize when he is hungry and needs to eat, so we can prevent the problem.

[SDMB]

I am a grandmother guardian to 9, 7, and 5 yr-old boys with ADHD. The oldest 2 are on the spectrum. I raised the youngest since 5 months of age. We have an identical situation. The oldest has also been diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder as well as Intermittant Explosive Disorder. We've done multiple therapies, medications help as much as possible, tried the contracts, nothing works consistently with him. The hard reality for us is that he is adversely affecting his younger brothers and it simply boils down to a matter of wilful incompetence. We are seeking a residential program and praying we find the right one that will accept him before this turns into a juvenile justice situation. PS. We don't have finances to cover cost so must rely on non-profit programs, of which there are several extremely reputable and successful around the country.

[Bunny5689 in reply to SDMB]

God bless your for taking on raising three boys. That must be so challenging. I do the same things with the smirking. Lots of sending the others to their room just to create some calm. I just found a podcast called Constant Chaos and there was an episode with a gentlemen from Australia who he and his husband fostered a boy at age 5 who has severe trauma. IT was validating, and helped me feel not soo alone. His situation sounds really difficult but he talked about what he and his husband do to navigate it and he has a lot of courage as I’m sure you do too. Hang in there.

[GhostOrchid]

My kids are 9, 10 & 11. Only one of mine has been diagnosed with ADHD, but we have so many of the same issues you mention in your post. Sibling rivalry is tough without ADHD, but seems to be exponentially worse when one of the kids have it. My 10 yo can be laughing one minute and raging the next if something doesn’t go his way. It is so frustrating because it happens so quickly my husband and I don’t even get a chance to de-escalate or redirect the situation. Once he starts raging there is little we can do but wait it out. (We take a way any golf clubs or objects he might be swinging first!) While doing so I try to make my other kids go to their rooms, so they can’t smirk or look at him funny which escalates the rage. I’m searching for a better solution and hope to find one before puberty and we’re dealing with ADHD and Hormones!

A few things I’ve noticed with my son…

SLEEP—if he doesn’t get enough sleep he is easily triggered. We give him meds to help him sleep and I’ve noticed a big difference when he takes them. I can’t think of the name at the moment, but it is a Rx. Melatonin stopped working for him years ago.

FOOD—when my son gets hungry he is easily triggered. Once he gets food he can settled down quickly. I’m still working on a system to keep quick/easy snacks on hand at all times. My kids at extremely picky eaters and will sneak and eat all the snack foods.

FAKING—there are times when I think my son intentionally works himself into a fake rage. It is when he doesn’t get his way and it doesn’t go from 0-60; instead it is a gradual work up to 60. I think he is faking because as soon as he gets his way he is back down to 0 immediately. There is no more frustration or anxiety that lingers with a real rage episode. I’m meeting with his therapist to discuss the fake rage this week.

[Bunny5689 in reply to GhostOrchid]

I definitely identify with the fake rage. I think my younger son wants a reaction when he’s feeling dysregulated and although I do my best not to “over-react” I want to keep everyone safe and healthy. This is the stuff that people don’t talk about because there is fear, shame, and guilt. But i know in our family, there isn’t any pre-existing trauma, its different wiring in their brains, and we are doing our best to create new, healthy, resilient people. We need to talk about these things so we don’t feel alone. I appreciate your response.

[GhostOrchid in reply to Bunny5689]

We spoke to our son's pediatrician yesterday and she is prescribing a new medicine that is supposed to help with the anger and rage. She said her grandson takes the same medicine for the same reason. We plan to start my son on it this weekend. I'll try to remember to post an update to let you know if it helps!