My 16-year-old son has not done well in the pandemic. Though a year ago he managed A/B Honor Roll in school, he's since been unmedicated and the last month or two has been a challenge. He's been lazy about doing his school work and his grades have suffered. He's also become more disrespectful toward me and my wife and his sister. It's clear that his focus is off.
Things came to a head yesterday when we had a conflict that forced me to call the police to calm things down. He was never suicidal nor threatened physical harm, but he was running around our neighborhood late at night in his shorts carrying my laptop and my cell phone after I took his cell phone. Once cooled off, we had about a 30 minute conversation where we were open and honest with each other. Our son flatly refuses any medication because it's impacted his body and he doesn't like how he feels on it. He's also refused therapy after 5+ years of it and not seeing any results (our therapist recently dropped him because she felt she couldn't get through to him). He was very mature in how he spoke about these things and promised improved results in school. I'm basically at the point where I'm willing to let our son sink or swim without me -- if he improves at school, then it helps him. If he doesn't, then it hurts him. Not me. I think he's a bright kid when he's not lazy or lashing out. I'm just very concerned about him putting his life together without medication and/or therapy, and my wife and I have basically lost the ability to "force" him to do either.
I'd love any thoughts about where we can go from here, including resources to help my wife and I cope.
Written by
AberdeenArms
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
We are so happy that you have join us for this challenging journey. From what I have learned there are ups and there are downs on this road. Right now he seems to be in a down and how you get him out of that is the million dollar question. There is no doubt that medication and therapy helped him. Of course you can't force him, but you can take a little different approach. Still remembering that he is really functioning like a 14year old.
What do you think of becoming more of a life coach to him? This way you are not seen as a "demanding parent". Our therapist always says to our son " when you do X then the outcome is Y", correct? So here is one example, when you fail tests and don't turn in assignment, mom has to stress, scream and yell and you both of you have to work twice as hard to get the grade back up( redoing assignments, tutoring), or you just complete the assignment the best you can. It's placing the issue in a framework for them to understand.
As far as saying he is lazy, not sure that is the case, because if it were something he really loved, would he do it? YES.. I really feel it is lack of motivation.. Most adults discuss lack of motivation stoppings them from doing many things. (check twitter out with adults with ADHD). I am sure if he had the medication he would be motivation. I strongly feel this is directly related to ADHD.
I of course don't have the answers, but just wanted to give this advice.
As far as the medication, he can be told there are others to try ( non stimulants) that should not make him feel that way.
While being a coach to him, you could discuss ways to help him get grades better and become successful. I think if you could get him to benefit from medication then the other things will fall into place.
One last suggestion, could you find other areas of life he could get involved with outside of school. Maybe volunteering, fun classes ( online or in person) activities that he enjoys. For our kids academics are so frustrating that they need a balance.
Hope these insights help a little, we are always here to help if we can, if not we will share our experiences
I have been seeing posts about refusal to take medications frequently lately (though usually only after meds were stopped for a period of time for reasons often not included in the posts). Do the parents of children with cancer or diabetes go through this as well? ( I am grateful not to know the answer to that). Do those kids also refuse medications that they need for their medical condition or is the refusal symptomatic of ADHD itself (thus making the medication that much more important)? I certainly have no issue with forcing my son to take his medication and I find that when he takes the medicine, he is less pertinacious. Maybe I am too tough, but my son and I get along well (and his mom is even tougher). In the end, if he is angry with me for forcing him to receive treatment for his disability, I can live with that. He used to get mad at his mom for making him wear his winter coat to go outside in the winter. That never seemed to bother her either (and he always wore his coat).
Well, first of all, his mom wakes him up with it on school days. Sticks a spoonful of pudding with the pills in it in his mouth like 15 -20 minutes before he gets up. He could refuse to swallow it, I guess. However, I control pretty much everything important to him. He knows I would take his Switch, his PS4, his phone, knows I would cancel his Nintendo and PlayStation and Crunchyroll (and any other) accounts, would disconnect his phone, would disconnect internet, etc. I never make empty threats. If I tell him I am going to do one of these things, I do it. So does his mom. Why go through any of that when all he has to do is take his medicine that he himself discussed with the prescriber (who answered all of his questions about side effects or whatever issue he may have with taking them) and which he knows, intellectually that he needs? Just not worth it to refuse. We tirelessly answer any question that he has or schedule another appointment with the prescriber to make sure that his questions are answered . It's ADHD which makes him not want to take the meds. It's just not worth it for him to refuse to take his meds. As noted, when he takes his meds, he doesn't really fight about any of that. As I said, we're tough, but he is doing extremely well at school and, of course, he likes that better than when he is not. Anyway, that's our story. Like all of us, you'll find the path that is best for your family. Be well.
Alright, excellent job by you and your wife. My wife and I were not as strong - my son was medicated through sophomore year and we stopped during the pandemic. Only recently has he taken a massive slide. Medication is on the horizon for him.
Good luck to you. Meds for ADHD are controversial for some, but not for us. Had my second covid shot yesterday and I take meds when I need them. Fair is fair. Be well. Hang in there.
Well done. I agree about the medication. What medication is your son on?Mine has been medicated for the last 5 years. It's been trial and error with the medication but when it works, it works wonders. We've just started him on Strattera to improve focus which will hopefully improve his grades. I've seen a positive change already.
Well done for getting vaccinated. I can't wait. Not got my first dose yet, will probably be in September.
I have a 17yo son with ADD. He understands clearly that he needs medication now that he sees the difference in his concentration with medication. I think the resistance to taking medication maybe related to being a teenager and wanting to be independent of parents demands. So, parenting approach may need to be adjusted so that there is no power struggle between you and your son. Like most parents with ADD/ADHD child, I had to reassess my way of relating to my son knowing his capability academically, but at the same time his limitation because of his ADD even when treated with medication. Even with medication, there will be ups and downs as they are maturing and not at all related to ADHD/ADD. Its difficult to separate that, but it is easy to blame the medication for the troubles they are experiencing; could be some pandemic plus adolescence or mismatched parenting style. I would recommend you and your wife speak with a family therapist and possibly include your son in the therapy sessions to get things under control. Best of luck.
We've been in therapy for years. Have an appointment on Wednesday. We're going to take steps to rectify this, even if it's at a snail's pace. We care for and love our son and want him to be happy.
And he is DEFINITELY asserting his independence. That's what's happening here. The problem is that he's struggling when we give him the chance to be independent. His grades aren't good anymore, his behavior is disrespectful and disobedient, and he was a fantastic driver until an incident a week ago when he forgot to put the car in park and jumped a curb at a hotel nearly hit my wife (at 1 mph, but still). He's in a spiral and REFUSES to talk to a therapist or even consider re-starting medication. I hate to take things away from him that he loves (seeing friends, having a cell phone), but I have to do what I have to do.
My 16 and 14 year old grandsons know that taking medication is expected of them. They also admit it helps them. The 16 year old is learning to drive and knows if he is not on medication he will not get a car. I took him out one weekend practice driving and learned later he had forgotten his medication that morning. He was so distracted it was scary.
Maybe the medication he was on was wrong for him. MY grandsons tell me they feel calmer and can think in school better on meds. Neither are on just one medication, either.
Have you looked into the ADHD School Skills program? It's based upon the idea that motivation is not the issue with ADHD kids and their struggles with school. It's a cool program and did wonders for my 14yr old.
Hello everyone. Over the course of the past few weeks, my wife and I started bringing up the idea of medicating our son again. At first he was completely resistant and refused. We understood but also knew he needed some help focusing in school. Then his third-quarter grades came in. He has at least two Ds for the quarter (one of them might still be an F). These are grades we're not used to seeing from him (he was a borderline honor roll student before this). He also had a minor incident while driving (no one was hurt, no damage to the car, just a focusing issue). We occasionally brought up medication, and this past weekend, he agreed to trying it again. We did have to bargain by offering him whatever he wants for lunch, plus I agreed to give him a stipend for a new car IF he gets near-straight As (which he's come close to before but never accomplished). But this morning, at about 8:20am, he took a 10mg FocalinXR for the first time in a year. I'm hoping it leads him back down the right path where he's focused on school and able to not be unfocused, forgetful or disobedient.
I wanted to thank everyone here for their support and advice. You all knew what I needed to do, and I did it. Well, my son did it. I just encouraged him. Thank you all.
Content on HealthUnlocked does not replace the relationship between you and doctors or other healthcare professionals nor the advice you receive from them.
Never delay seeking advice or dialling emergency services because of something that you have read on HealthUnlocked.
We have a 20 year old son with ADHD and on the spectrum and we need help! 
Impulse Control from my 6 year old ADHD Son
I'm new here, and I think my 11 year old (soon-to-be) stepson has ADHD
How to deal with a 7 years old boy who tried to get others' attention by doing funny stupid things?
How can we tell our ADHD 7-yr-old he’s been kicked out of school?
