What is a good level of oversight for a 14 year old with ADHD with Virtual Learning? Looking for Balance

[jMowbray]

I'm looking for suggestions/input on what is a good level of oversight for a 14 year old with ADHD in a virtual learning who wants his independence. The past four weeks of virtual learning have been stressful in our house. There is a lot of arguing, yelling, and crying. My son wants to do this on his own, but he doesn't complete or submit assignments. He keeps saying he is passing, but forgets the fights we had to get him to that point. It is to the point when I ask him about school he says I'm intentionally getting him stressed.

The Therapist told us to back off a bit, but never gave any examples of what that would look like. I look to make sure work is done/submitted prior to him going outside, but he even calls that overbearing. I use him going out with friends as a reward and the only way I can confirm he's earned is by checking the classes. I'm not sure the perfect balance and am looking for some advice.

[Onthemove1971]

Great question..

One thing to keep in mind is that even if his chronical age is 14 years old it means he is most likely functioning around 12 years of age.

I allow our 14 year old complete control and I check grades/electronic classroom at least 2x a day. At the end of the day we discuss what he needs to study/do.

It is hard because you want to give them the independence, but you also need success.

Our son has a 504 plan to help with any missed assignments and extra time if needed.

Hope that helps. Our goal is for our son to go to college and I will not be there to help him with that. We assist him with proof reading essays and we study for exams together. I also contact teachers if I need to.

We also do not accept any grade under a C and if he gets one we make him redo it.

Good luck with your struggle..

[Olddognewtricks]

Hi, this is a difficult situation, but in some ways not different from in person school. Try getting your son involved in the problem solving. What do you and he agree are appropriate goals and expectations? What will he need to do consistently to meet them? How and when will you determine he’s not meeting them? And what will your assistance look like? We’re going through similar things in my house although my daughter is much older.

[regardingtheboys]

I knew my boys would need oversight in turning things in and checking for quality of content. The additional challenge that I have noticed (in virtual) is what to do after something goes poorly. For example, after a bad quiz, if a student reads deep enough into the class module there may be more info. I have found a posted opportunity to re-take a quiz and links to additional study guides etc. My boys are so eager to be "done" they take the bad result and never look back. I find this to be a very complex lesson. Don't count on getting a second chance, but don't miss out on opportunities to improve either.

[Onthemove1971 in reply to regardingtheboys]

I know our son ( and I have heard many kids) is over confident. He always says "I go this" and he has not studied at all the he gets and F and says.. well maybe I didn't know the material.

[green-eyed-lady]

I can totally relate to your situation. I have a 13 and half year old son, and we face similar challenges. His therapist has suggested an "incentive" plan, and my husband and I are still working on one. The therapist says that research shows that incentives work better than punishment, but we still using taking away electronic privileges as a big stick. I have mixed feelings about all the "incentives" (feels like bribery, and lots of negotiation), but we are going to give it a try. My son is on a 504 plan, and in a class that teaches organization skills. The teacher monitors their homework and will follow up with teachers to see if things are being done. That's been a huge help - my son responds a lot better to an outsider than us. He complains that we're treating him like a 9 year old. You might want to see if your son's school has any similar resources. A huge challenge we have is all the time my son spends on electronics. Trying to find other things to engage him, but it's a big challenge. He does do extra-curricular sports. Hope this helps. Look forward to hearing more suggestions myself!

[Redpanda5]

My son wants to do this on his own, but he doesn't complete or submit assignments.

A couple of things.....

1. BEHAVIOR CHART:

Okay, so he wants to do this on his own. Come up with a behavior chart with specifics.

Such as...

“When assignments have been turned in on time for one week, mom and dad will stop checking assignments every day. After that point, we will only check once per week.”

2. CONTROLLED CHOICES:

If #1 above fails (ie he just plain won’t agree or he never reaches the goal) you can tell him he has one week (or 2-3 days, whatever) to show that he can turn assignments in on time or he will be getting a tutor / executive coach to assist him on X day. I told my 15 y/o dd this last week (that by Sunday she would be starting with a tutor) and she got angry and said if I got her a tutor that she would just sit there and do nothing. I did not engage in an argument with her. Then a couple of days later (getting closer to Sunday) she said she would wait to do her math with the tutor. It took a little time for compliance but she got there. Be patient through their anger and follow through with the plan.

3. INCLUDE YOUR TEEN:

Talk with him about these things (#1 and #2) and consider his input but end up with something you can measure and take action on. It will only work if he agrees to what is decided. Let him take an active role in coming up with the behavior chart. (I learned this in a Parent Management Training course I took at the psychologists office for parents of kids with a variety of things: ADHD, anxiety, eating disorders, OCD, etc). IT WORKS and I am forever grateful.

Good luck!