Custody situation with an ADHD denying father

[HarperValley]

Good morning,

I am new here. I am hoping I can be pointed to resources on how to address the problem I have. I was not diagnosed with ADHD until I was 41. My marriage ended when I was 36. I have a girl, 9, and a boy, 13. I am quite sure my daughter has ADHD. Due to Covid, I cannot get her tested. My ex will likely win full custody of my children because I do not have the funds to get the appeals court to overturn a ruling the judge made right after he said "I am not familiar with that case law." My ex will not even discuss my children in the same room with me, let alone effectively co-parent a pre-teen girl with ADHD. Plus, he persistently refuses to consider the idea that she has ADHD. Any ideas would be appreciated.

[Hidden]

It sounds like this might need a lawyer working on your behalf. I did not need to have cash to retain one, I was able to put it on a credit card. Maybe that will be a possibility?

[HarperValley in reply to Hidden]

The first $3,000 retainer was half way put on the credit card. The other half was intended for my tuition for my last 3 credits for my Master's degree. The retainer is almost gone and I will need a minimum of $3,500 to continue. But continuing could commit me to expenses closer to $10,000. If I took that debt on and could not get the judge to get my ex to reimburse me, I would have serious issues. He is also excellent at appearing to be a better person than he is so the legally relevant factors make us about 50/50. I am seeking creative solutions that could remove the need for trial. He is intelligent and respects the academic community. Evidence from someone he respects will be bring him around more than anything I can say.

[Harnessinghope]

First, welcome. Wow, it looks like a lot is going on for you and your family. I am very sorry to hear this.

It would be fantastic if there was some way to finagle an attorney to assist you. I did see your concerns about the retainer and etc. It seems like representation would be best to assist in your situation.

[ADHD_DAD]

Hi Harper. Keep the lawyer. Make it work. Your first post said you could potentially lose custody completely. Except for a handful of states in the deep south, the laws are not designed to remove children from a parent (especially a mother) who wants them. In fact, the opposite is true. Exceptions are addicts, abusers, molesters, etc. but you are NONE of those. You should be able to get 50% custody without much of a fight. With 2 fit parents, both of whom WANT custody, the laws do not favor removing full custody from either. Your lawyer knows all this. You just need to keep her on board. Talk to her about a payment plan. You won't be her only financially tight client, especially in a divorce case. You may need to go a bit further in debt (although based upon the limited info in your post, I don't know why a court would prevent you from having partial custody). Good luck. I hope that with time the father and you work out a way to work together for the well being of your children. I will wish for that for you. Be well.

[HarperValley in reply to ADHD_DAD]

By losing custody, I mean that I could it only be reversed if I could do a modification. My lawyer is telling me that to prepare for that I have stop helping him. I am helping my daughter. If she calls asking me for school help, I am supposed "I'm sorry honey, it's Dad's night." I won't do that. The problem is that the judge is an old dodger that thinks ADHD and mental health stuff is bunk and that I am just a vindictive twat. Fighting him legally is just going to make him angrier. What I would prefer is that he direct his resources to helping her instead of fighting me. I just realized that some of his issues may be due to being the non ADHD spouse. He also doesn't like pain and he is self involved. I am working on a plan, but he has to believe that I will go to trial. I don't mind him having them, but he has to stop denying first.

[ADHD_DAD in reply to HarperValley]

I don't understand. By losing custody, are you saying that you will have 0% custody? That is how I read your first post. What I am saying is that it is extremely rare (with some exceptions, some of which I listed) for a mother to get 0% custody. With 2 fit parents who want the children, 50% is usually easily attainable. I am now wondering if you are seeking SOLE custody. As noted, that is not how I read your first post, that is VERY different. In either case, I will say keep your lawyer, tell her EVERYTHING and listen to her advice. If you are just looking for a place to "vent" and be heard but not actually seeking help or ideas, that is fair., too, and I suspect you'll find willing ears and eyes in this group.

[HarperValley in reply to ADHD_DAD]

Ideas and venting. I am not getting the verbiage right. The current plan has them with me 3 weekends a month. The custodial parent will be the one managing helping her with her homework and helping her manage the ADHD. When school went online she couldn't get any homework done at Dad's house. I had to catch her up. His wife teaches math and he was on medical leave the whole. Even though he told me he was fine. She is really stressed at having to do school work at Dad's. His history tells me that she will not get the help the needs. Once school is face to face she will be better as far as that goes. But regarding the day to day living with it, his wife handles all of the discipline and her style is my way or else, and no patience. Even with the diagnosis, I do not believe that he will put any effort into helping because my son was diagnosed with dysgraphia and he did nothing. He has always had an aversion to having a child with special needs. He is fighting admitting she has ADHD so hard that I am shocked. What my lawyer says I need to do to get custody back is going to cause more damage than we already have. I don't want her living and doing school work with two high expectation parents who are ignoring the problem and not willing to make accomodations. history also tells me that stepmom does not accomodate. Am I over reacting?

[MaudQ]

Oh - I’m so sorry to hear this - it sounds really hard. Are there any advocacy groups for women going through divorce/custody issues in your area? This org is in the Chicagoland area, but with everything remote these days, maybe they could help you. Or give your recs for groups in your area? thelilactree.org

Also, I know money is tight, but is therapy or a coach a possibility for you? If not, do you have a friend who could help you organize the paperwork and all that? It sound like you have too much on your plate and need some help and support.

[HarperValley in reply to MaudQ]

I am in therapy. Support groups where we live are hard to home by. His mom doesn't hate me anymore so I might be able to get her help. She is one of his enablers, but she is also one of the few people he listens to. Basically, he needs to do six months of therapy and learn how to handle pain. But just saying the word therapy pisses him off.

[Elaina_55]

Go through the school system to have your daughter assessed. It takes longer but is free. They also use a multidisciplinary team, which carries more weight because it includes a counselor, psychologist, nurse, teacher observations and your own observations, so your ex is less likely to infer that you convinced one professional to place a diagnosis on your daughter. If your daughter is attending online school it can still be done but it will take longer. Also, keep your eyes on the horizon and finish that Master’s degree - your success will motivate your children, if not right away, eventually, that you are a strong capable mother who has her own dreams and goals. You can always dive back into the legal battle later when you have more earning capacity to fight that contentious legal fight. My heart goes out to you and your story is very similar to my own. You’ve got this!!!

[HarperValley in reply to Elaina_55]

Her old school system did not have that good of a team, but her new one might. The place I wanted her to go would do a full spectrum disability test so it would catch everything she has trouble, but also her strengths. But I am having Covid delays. I am going to call every clinic in the area I can find until I can find one to do it. It doesn't help that she is high IQ and high functioning. That allows him to deny it more. My biggest concern is that stepmom instituted my way or the highway discipline and Kathryn is getting in trouble for things she can't help. But stupid ADHD brain tried to tell him that and he interpreted that I was saying his was abusive. Can you tell we have communication issues?