Hello, first-timer from Australia here. I think my husband may have ADD. I've known there's been something wrong with him for a while now, and I haven't been able to put my finger on it. We've been together for eight years, and married for four.
I love him dearly, he is the sweetest man I know, and his kind heart is what won me over when we first met.
However, he has a nasty temper. It's explosive, and it escalates very quickly - so for a while I put it down to 'typical fragile male ego'. (Sorry blokes if you're reading this - I'm only referring to men I've known personally with a similar condition).
The first thing I noticed is that he would constantly interrupt me when I was talking and answer me when I hadn't asked the question yet or he'd made an incorrect assumption about what I was about to say and lose his temper for my supposed incorrect point.
Once his temper is on the rise, there is no holding him back. He expresses this by shouting at me, swearing at me, slamming doors, cupboards, and banging objects around.
He is very easily distracted. I cannot hold a conversation with him for more than five seconds before I can see in his eyes that he is no longer listening to me at all. I'll pause and it will take him a couple of minutes for him to realise I've stopped talking - so it's clear he doesn't listen. Also, I noticed excessive use of his phone - I could be talking to him and without even realising it I don't think he'd whip his phone out and start facebooking - often interrupting me to show me something funny. He still does this. I've tried explaining that this is the height of rudeness really - but this just makes him angry.
He cannot complete tasks at all. The mental load of having to walk him through basic tasks, repeatedly and often whilst I'm at work with a massive workload in front of me that also needs my undivided attention is taking it's toll on me. He never seems to know where anything is in the house. He can never plan dinner even though I've asked him to take responsibility for this as he gets home a few hours ahead of me. Every night it's the same story - I get in the door and nothing has been done. The kitchen bench is a crime scene. There are used cups and plates scattered everywhere. The television is on - usually way too loud - and he is so engrossed in his phone it takes him a couple of minutes to realise I'm home. Then he'll ask me what I want for dinner - which is code for - I can't manage this, I need you to drive here. If I tell him what I think would be good to cook (what I know we have everything for) I'll have to step him through it - one step at a time. Which drives me up the wall as he can never remember what I've just said. So it's easier to do it myself.
I had to have emergency surgery yesterday that was fairly major. When I got back to the ward afterwards, he was engrossed in his phone. It took him a good half hour to notice I'd returned and was in pain. Just so tuned out it worried me.
He gets ridiculously enthusiastic about things and will interrupt me when I'm talking to tell me about it. Usually something completely unrelated to what I was talking about. Again, displaying no listening skills whatsoever. When I've pulled him up about it in the past - he's said - 'so your expectation is that I HAVE to listen to you then' which is yep, pretty fucking rude.
He has little to no patience with anything.
He often makes big decisions about financial stuff - but will discuss it with me - only to browbeat me in to agreeing with him even though I've expressed doubt and asked him to carefully consider it before going ahead.
He is impulsive with money. I once sent him to Aldi to get some more coffee pods for our machine (if anyone is thinking about one of these - they're excellent) and he came home with: A new television, a coffee table, an ironing board, an ironing board cover, a stool, and some gardening tools that he's never used - he did remember the coffee which I was impressed with.
I've recently lost 10kgs. He hasn't noticed. He never seems to see me at all. Because of the recent weight loss I've started dressing up a bit more for work, I know I look good but he hasn't noticed at all. I've never heard the words 'you look lovely today' come out of his mouth. Other people will compliment me but he seems just not to notice.
When he needs to tell me something important - he cannot make the right words happen. What comes out of his mouth is completely garbled. I can't understand it. I have to say to him 'you need to use your words' which will make him angry, then once he's calmed down and has another go at telling me - he forgets what he is trying to say and wanders off. Usually it's something important - to do with my stepdaughter or that he's made plans for us at the weekend.
My birthday is a particularly hard time in the house. We've been together for eight years. He goes in to a meltdown over it. Usually he gets angry with me for hoping that this year he'll show me that he has any idea of who I am and showing me this by getting me a gift he's put thought in to. Last year I put a huge effort in to planning his 50th. No detail went unturned if you will. I wrote him a speech. I invited his nearest and dearest friends and family. I planned it down to the last detail. I bought him a barbecue and a huge pile of accessories. He had a wonderful time. For my birthday I was told to go and choose what I wanted and then he told me he'd never be able to find where the thing was so I'd have to take him. Sure, I got some lovely perfume and a nice watch - but it wasn't from his heart. And that was it. No flowers, no cake, no dinner out. Not even a card. And the 'gifts' certainly weren't wrapped. Just left on the table for me. It's similar every year. I've tried explaining why this is so hurtful but it gets turned back on me. I realise its to do with his massive fear of making any decisions - minor to major unless they're impulsive - then he's fine.
I've warned him that I've had enough of the temper tantrums. Enough is enough. I have PTSD from a traumatic childhood so it's tricky - but I manage as best I can. But they're just so explosive and mostly unreasonable and childlike. I love him, and I want to help him. I want him to get better. I talked him to very gently the other night about how his temper affects me. That I get it, he was a shiftworker for years, and that he does work hard, and often he works six days at a stretch, and I'm trying to show him empathy and understanding and not 'point the finger' cause this isn't helpful. People get angry - I've no right at all to expect him not to, it's just how he expresses himself when angry that is the issue. I asked him if he'd consider seeing someone to figure it out a bit, and at first he got stroppy, but I kept on with the 'I love you' stuff and eventually he came around but it was touch and go.
We saw his frail parents the other night, and he mentioned when we got home from the dinner that perhaps his dad would benefit from seeing a psychologist. This was about a week after we'd had the chat about him seeing one. I let him tell me all about how beneficial it would be for his dad, and then carefully asked him where he was up to with seeing one himself. Instant temper tantrum. Slammed out of the loungeroom. I'm backing him in to a corner now. I'm not giving him the option. (Too fucking right I'm not it's gone on long enough now). Everything is his fault. etc. etc. So, not brave enough to mention it again - but it will come down to an ultimatum I fear, and I don't like those.
He's also very messy. A slob. Cannot pick anything up after himself ever. We sleep in separate rooms as his snoring is deafening and I'm an insomniac. His room is disgusting. Piles and piles of dirty clothes on the floor. The bed is never made. Used tissues everywhere. Mostly I just shut the door, but more often than not I will wash his laundry, make his bed, remove the used tissues, dirty cups, and reorganise things so that it's neat and tidy. I've always believed that a tidy environment is beneficial to the brain. I've often wondered if his messy habits have a lot to do with the mess his head is in most of the time. But he tells me I'm just OTT/OCD with the needing to be a bit neat and tidy. Which is a nice way to blame his bad habits on me I suppose.
His daughter is very similar but getting better as I've put a fair bit of work in to her mental wellbeing and she knows that if she leaves shit on the floor it will be left on a pile in the middle of her bed for her to sort. I've tried the same tactic with husband, but it just gets thrown on the floor and a tantrum at me directly afterwards.
Does any of this sound like ADD could be behind it? The decision making is a real worry. He occasionally will offer to make me a sandwich. Which is lovely. BUT - here is a list of the questions that come with that:
What sort of bread?
What do you want on it?
Do you want butter?
Do you want it cut in triangles or rectangles?
Do you want it on a plate?
Which plate do you want it on?
Where would you like it?
When would you like it?
I ask him if he wants a sandwich. He says yes please - and boom - he gets the sandwich.
Same with offering me a cup of tea. What cup, what sort of tea, how hot do I want the water, do I want it now or later (always now, later he will forget), he knows what tea I drink by now - peppermint, boiling water, in a cup (any cup) and in front of me please. In eight years this hasn't changed.
Please tell me if you think I'm being picky. This is doing my head in. I'm raising his stepdaughter (along with her mum) and it seems I'm also raising a 50 year old man. The mental load is infinite and exhausting. I organise EVERYTHING or it doesn't get done. Bin night. School stuff. His family events. His social events - his wardrobe, what time to leave, his ex-wifes committments that clash with ours, his day-to-day stuff, the household, cleaning, tidying, cooking, laundry. He loses his keys, wallet, phones, glasses every day - so that's my responsibility too.
Thanks for reading and sorry this was so long... I am seeking help - but probably just venting too.
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