I think my 50yr old husband has ADD.. Please help! I'm getting desperate!

[Penelope72]

Hello, first-timer from Australia here. I think my husband may have ADD. I've known there's been something wrong with him for a while now, and I haven't been able to put my finger on it. We've been together for eight years, and married for four.

I love him dearly, he is the sweetest man I know, and his kind heart is what won me over when we first met.

However, he has a nasty temper. It's explosive, and it escalates very quickly - so for a while I put it down to 'typical fragile male ego'. (Sorry blokes if you're reading this - I'm only referring to men I've known personally with a similar condition).

The first thing I noticed is that he would constantly interrupt me when I was talking and answer me when I hadn't asked the question yet or he'd made an incorrect assumption about what I was about to say and lose his temper for my supposed incorrect point.

Once his temper is on the rise, there is no holding him back. He expresses this by shouting at me, swearing at me, slamming doors, cupboards, and banging objects around.

He is very easily distracted. I cannot hold a conversation with him for more than five seconds before I can see in his eyes that he is no longer listening to me at all. I'll pause and it will take him a couple of minutes for him to realise I've stopped talking - so it's clear he doesn't listen. Also, I noticed excessive use of his phone - I could be talking to him and without even realising it I don't think he'd whip his phone out and start facebooking - often interrupting me to show me something funny. He still does this. I've tried explaining that this is the height of rudeness really - but this just makes him angry.

He cannot complete tasks at all. The mental load of having to walk him through basic tasks, repeatedly and often whilst I'm at work with a massive workload in front of me that also needs my undivided attention is taking it's toll on me. He never seems to know where anything is in the house. He can never plan dinner even though I've asked him to take responsibility for this as he gets home a few hours ahead of me. Every night it's the same story - I get in the door and nothing has been done. The kitchen bench is a crime scene. There are used cups and plates scattered everywhere. The television is on - usually way too loud - and he is so engrossed in his phone it takes him a couple of minutes to realise I'm home. Then he'll ask me what I want for dinner - which is code for - I can't manage this, I need you to drive here. If I tell him what I think would be good to cook (what I know we have everything for) I'll have to step him through it - one step at a time. Which drives me up the wall as he can never remember what I've just said. So it's easier to do it myself.

I had to have emergency surgery yesterday that was fairly major. When I got back to the ward afterwards, he was engrossed in his phone. It took him a good half hour to notice I'd returned and was in pain. Just so tuned out it worried me.

He gets ridiculously enthusiastic about things and will interrupt me when I'm talking to tell me about it. Usually something completely unrelated to what I was talking about. Again, displaying no listening skills whatsoever. When I've pulled him up about it in the past - he's said - 'so your expectation is that I HAVE to listen to you then' which is yep, pretty fucking rude.

He has little to no patience with anything.

He often makes big decisions about financial stuff - but will discuss it with me - only to browbeat me in to agreeing with him even though I've expressed doubt and asked him to carefully consider it before going ahead.

He is impulsive with money. I once sent him to Aldi to get some more coffee pods for our machine (if anyone is thinking about one of these - they're excellent) and he came home with: A new television, a coffee table, an ironing board, an ironing board cover, a stool, and some gardening tools that he's never used - he did remember the coffee which I was impressed with.

I've recently lost 10kgs. He hasn't noticed. He never seems to see me at all. Because of the recent weight loss I've started dressing up a bit more for work, I know I look good but he hasn't noticed at all. I've never heard the words 'you look lovely today' come out of his mouth. Other people will compliment me but he seems just not to notice.

When he needs to tell me something important - he cannot make the right words happen. What comes out of his mouth is completely garbled. I can't understand it. I have to say to him 'you need to use your words' which will make him angry, then once he's calmed down and has another go at telling me - he forgets what he is trying to say and wanders off. Usually it's something important - to do with my stepdaughter or that he's made plans for us at the weekend.

My birthday is a particularly hard time in the house. We've been together for eight years. He goes in to a meltdown over it. Usually he gets angry with me for hoping that this year he'll show me that he has any idea of who I am and showing me this by getting me a gift he's put thought in to. Last year I put a huge effort in to planning his 50th. No detail went unturned if you will. I wrote him a speech. I invited his nearest and dearest friends and family. I planned it down to the last detail. I bought him a barbecue and a huge pile of accessories. He had a wonderful time. For my birthday I was told to go and choose what I wanted and then he told me he'd never be able to find where the thing was so I'd have to take him. Sure, I got some lovely perfume and a nice watch - but it wasn't from his heart. And that was it. No flowers, no cake, no dinner out. Not even a card. And the 'gifts' certainly weren't wrapped. Just left on the table for me. It's similar every year. I've tried explaining why this is so hurtful but it gets turned back on me. I realise its to do with his massive fear of making any decisions - minor to major unless they're impulsive - then he's fine.

I've warned him that I've had enough of the temper tantrums. Enough is enough. I have PTSD from a traumatic childhood so it's tricky - but I manage as best I can. But they're just so explosive and mostly unreasonable and childlike. I love him, and I want to help him. I want him to get better. I talked him to very gently the other night about how his temper affects me. That I get it, he was a shiftworker for years, and that he does work hard, and often he works six days at a stretch, and I'm trying to show him empathy and understanding and not 'point the finger' cause this isn't helpful. People get angry - I've no right at all to expect him not to, it's just how he expresses himself when angry that is the issue. I asked him if he'd consider seeing someone to figure it out a bit, and at first he got stroppy, but I kept on with the 'I love you' stuff and eventually he came around but it was touch and go.

We saw his frail parents the other night, and he mentioned when we got home from the dinner that perhaps his dad would benefit from seeing a psychologist. This was about a week after we'd had the chat about him seeing one. I let him tell me all about how beneficial it would be for his dad, and then carefully asked him where he was up to with seeing one himself. Instant temper tantrum. Slammed out of the loungeroom. I'm backing him in to a corner now. I'm not giving him the option. (Too fucking right I'm not it's gone on long enough now). Everything is his fault. etc. etc. So, not brave enough to mention it again - but it will come down to an ultimatum I fear, and I don't like those.

He's also very messy. A slob. Cannot pick anything up after himself ever. We sleep in separate rooms as his snoring is deafening and I'm an insomniac. His room is disgusting. Piles and piles of dirty clothes on the floor. The bed is never made. Used tissues everywhere. Mostly I just shut the door, but more often than not I will wash his laundry, make his bed, remove the used tissues, dirty cups, and reorganise things so that it's neat and tidy. I've always believed that a tidy environment is beneficial to the brain. I've often wondered if his messy habits have a lot to do with the mess his head is in most of the time. But he tells me I'm just OTT/OCD with the needing to be a bit neat and tidy. Which is a nice way to blame his bad habits on me I suppose.

His daughter is very similar but getting better as I've put a fair bit of work in to her mental wellbeing and she knows that if she leaves shit on the floor it will be left on a pile in the middle of her bed for her to sort. I've tried the same tactic with husband, but it just gets thrown on the floor and a tantrum at me directly afterwards.

Does any of this sound like ADD could be behind it? The decision making is a real worry. He occasionally will offer to make me a sandwich. Which is lovely. BUT - here is a list of the questions that come with that:

What sort of bread?

What do you want on it?

Do you want butter?

Do you want it cut in triangles or rectangles?

Do you want it on a plate?

Which plate do you want it on?

Where would you like it?

When would you like it?

I ask him if he wants a sandwich. He says yes please - and boom - he gets the sandwich.

Same with offering me a cup of tea. What cup, what sort of tea, how hot do I want the water, do I want it now or later (always now, later he will forget), he knows what tea I drink by now - peppermint, boiling water, in a cup (any cup) and in front of me please. In eight years this hasn't changed.

Please tell me if you think I'm being picky. This is doing my head in. I'm raising his stepdaughter (along with her mum) and it seems I'm also raising a 50 year old man. The mental load is infinite and exhausting. I organise EVERYTHING or it doesn't get done. Bin night. School stuff. His family events. His social events - his wardrobe, what time to leave, his ex-wifes committments that clash with ours, his day-to-day stuff, the household, cleaning, tidying, cooking, laundry. He loses his keys, wallet, phones, glasses every day - so that's my responsibility too.

Thanks for reading and sorry this was so long... I am seeking help - but probably just venting too.

[Grateful17]

Sure sounds like he is ADHD to me. I’ve had nothing but mental and physical exhaustion from being married to an ADHD guy for 22 years! He can Not make a decision, doesn’t have structure and doesn’t like routine. He is Messy won’t help with any organization of one drawer in the entire house. He doesn’t take care of things to preserve belongings long- term. He is also often disheveled with clothing and much more. My husband does have a good job but sometimes I think it’s luck because he has a career in a specific engineering field that needs his expertise.

We are NOT getting along these days. Too many years of hardship. The everyday hassles really turned me into a person that I never wanted to become - angry, frustrated, hopeless, and often unhappy.

My husband won’t take medication. I hope yours will start. Can you give him a book to read or ask him to listen to a YouTube video about ADHD? There could be a big change with medication !

[Penelope72 in reply to Grateful17]

Thank you Courtney, I think it may indeed be the case, but I’m no psychologist. I’m hopeful that a psychologist might be able to refer him for testing somehow. It’s maddening at times, and it gets hard too. But I love him and want to help him. Just the way I know he’d help me if he could see there was something off with me.

[Reeeba1]

Wow. I hear elements of ADD - forgetting steps, inability to complete a task or stay on track - but the anger and disregard for you is something else. I don’t know what. Maybe there is an adult version of ODD? My son has extreme ADHD but he is kind and caring and feels terrible when his mistakes or omissions impact others. My husband May likely have it too but tries to mitigate it with lists, reminders etc. it surely seems your hubby is contending with multiple challenges. I hope you are ok. I have to say, I hear from you that he is the sweetest man in the world but if you re-read your email in full, you may find as I do that this doesn’t resonate as one of his characteristics. I am sure there must be good times that keep you going but whatever he has, he needs professional help to address it and you are surely going to bear a heavy burden until - and unless - he does. Good luck and don’t forget that you have value too.

[Reeeba1 in reply to Reeeba1]

By the way - just my opinion but the sandwich thing sounds like a very good technique to avoid having to make a sandwich. Same with cooking. If I ask enough questions she will give up and do it herself. Could be conscious or subconscious on his part. I could be wrong, just an observation (from experience!!😀)

[Kokohelm]

Definitely ADHD! Lying and anger are defenses to get you off their backs. My ex was exactly like that, we tried therapy for 3 years. Your hubby needs meds. Since my ex would not stay on meds, we split. I was stressed beyond belief. Now, I deal with 2 children who are very similar, but they are my kids so I am forced to deal with it and we definitely do meds! Take care of yourself first! I know, much easier said than done! Best wishes!

[Penelope72 in reply to Kokohelm]

Thank you. I've been seeing this pattern unfold itself for 8 years. My concern is for my stepdaughter. She's currently undergoing pscyh treatment for anxiety issues and it's helping her enormously. But, with his rage being so extreme it makes her anxious. Then when she freezes (as this is how anxiety works) he gets angrier.

Last Wednesday morning they made pancakes together before she went on holidays with her mum to Bali (lucky duck) and because she's a typical 14 year old kid she rushes in to making things and doesn't listen. I had to repeat the instructions for making pancakes from scratch (I'm the chef and the cook in this household) to him several times and then step him though and SD wasn't paying much attention so she stuffed them up. He got over the top mad about it - and made her start again.

At that point I stepped in, and he stormed off and I walked her calmly through all the steps and she made the pancakes all the while being lectured about not listening when he returned from his tantie - which ironically - she wasn't listening to at all.

Should a 50yr old be able to make pancakes without a meltdown with his daughter? Am I being unreasonable? I know cooking with kids can be a real test of patience - I save it for special occasions (when I know have the patience and not just at their whim) as it's more enjoyable when I'm in the right headspace.

He cannot finish a task, he can start it just fine, but can't do the putting away of the things he got out for the task. Making a cup of tea, everything gets left on the bench. If I come downstairs and ask him to put the stuff away - he'll look at me and say 'sure, honey' but go right back to watching tv so I do it myself, and he gets mad because he SAID HE WILL DO IT. But I know that he'll forget - he always does - so now I don't even ask, and just do it myself and he doesn't notice.

Same with dinner stuff, sandwich stuff. I worked at McDonalds when I was just a little bit older than my SD. The mantra 'clean as you go' was drummed into me so now it's habit.

I start with a clean kitchen, and end with a clean kitchen when I'm cooking. Then we just have the dinner plates and serving ware to go in the dishwasher and that's it. But with him he can cover the entire kitchen and all available bench space in food, scraps, spills, packaging and used utensils. And I will have walked him through every step of what he's trying to do, and argued with him a million times about why a thing is done a particular way. This is doing my head in. He wants to have full control but doesn't wish to drive. If he can avoid driving at all, this is what he's best at, but yet, he wants to control the driving someone else is doing.

Next time he rings me at 4pm and I'm up to my elbows in tasks at work - and he asks me what I want for dinner, I'm going to put the phone down on him. I've asked him so many times to stick to the menu I've planned at the beginning of the week. (He will not input anything in to it at all - he insists it's my job because I'm 'better at it') but he says he can't remember (it's stuck to the fridge) and if I tell him to take a look at the menu planner on the fridge he gets angry with me because I'm patronising him.

I have to stop and ask myself what I'm getting out of this marriage because it feels like he's getting all the benefits and I'm getting all the work.

[anirush]

Almost sounds like bipolar disorder to me happy, happy one minute, angry the next. ADHD is also present in that.

Hopefully you can get him to talk to a doctor before things get too out of control.