Team captain...

[Onthemove1971]

Having a child with ADHD is a challenge. My son is 12 years old and has been playing competitive team sports for over 6 years. Recently one of the teams he is on had to pick a captain for the team. Any mom would have dreamed of their son was chosen. But the realities of having a child with ADHD set in.

When it was announced the winner was not our son. Often times I think children with ADHD don't realize they're negative behaviors impacts how they are seen. We will take this experience and try to teach him that in order to be a captain there are many characteristics you must display. He is an amazing kid but often the behaviors he has due to the ADHD get in his way. Just more of a reality of daily life where he struggles to fit in.

[ColTravGram]

I am sorry he wasn’t picked...it is hard as a parent to watch them truly not understand how past actions affect them because they have already moved well beyond them or the behavior they displayed. With my 8 y.o. we list just 3 things ( or characteristics) at a time we want to learn the meaning of, understand how their definition applies to our lives and how we can try to live by them or/and apply them in our day. My son is currently keeping an eye on the buddy bench at school to make sure no one feels alone at recess. He is also trying to take the higher road with kindness when dealing with a kid at the school that bothers him.

Hang in there Onthemove!!! You are doing a great job and he can practice being captain of his choice and decisions

[Hidden]

Oh, I can totally relate to this. And when they are not chosen then they are hurt! and then it is SO difficult to explain to them! BIG HUGS, I think you are a great Mom and the fact that he has been so involved in sports for 6 years is great! It keeps him invovled with other kids and exercise and all that.

I know my daughter has such a hard time understanding how she comes across to other people. We work on it in therapy but the social part of ADD is so hard for them to understand! Hang in there!

[Pennywink]

Sorry your son wasn’t picked - how is he handling it?

For my son, reactions to this are frequently triggered by lesser known (but I feel more universal) ADHD traits: unrealistic confidence upfront, then perceived rejection sensitivity afterwards. I try to remind him (after he’s had some time to deal with his feelings) that only one kid can win / be chosen - there are many more kids like him who did not.

Hoping things smooth over soon!

[Onthemove1971 in reply to Pennywink]

I tried to talk to him about this and was not as successful as I wanted. His response was very common of what I am sure many kids say " I didn't want to be team captain anyways..." so In focus on what it takes for the entire team to vote for him. Of course he says he already know what he needs to do.

Thanks for asking.. such a journey. The food thing is he is not showing any signs of being mad about it. We will see.

Take care!

[wendyks in reply to Onthemove1971]

I was going to ask how he was taking it too. I think my own daughter would love to be captain- like anyone would like to be!- but would say something protective like - I didn’t want to be anyway. But then honestly, for her, I think she would indeed get over it real quick. Things seem to roll off her back real quick. Maybe a function of her personality, maybe the adhd. I do know I talked with a student once who was very upset because she was one of 2 team captains and said that her adhd (I listened hard because my daughter had just been diagnosed) prevented her from focusing on the choreography. She never knew what was going on and was upset because the other girl was basically being the leader. She felt she couldn’t step down because she was voted in and was a senior who’d done cheer for 4 years of high school.

[Onthemove1971 in reply to wendyks]

He said they don't do much anyway.. I don't really want to do that. I really think children with ADHD experience so much failure (F's in school, kids who don't want to be their friends) that is does roll.off their backs. Believe.me.he had won plenty in the past..

[anirush]

My younger grandson also struggles with unrealistic expectations based on his behavior.

But his mother was the same way in school. I remember her talking about being a lawyer when she was flunking classes. Luckily we got her into therapy and on medication that helped her to pass.

All kids need to learn that you can't always be the best. I realize it's harder with kids with ADHD. Hope he is handling this OK.

[MaudQ]

I wonder if this is a topic to revisit when he has gotten over the immediate pain of not being chosen. In the grand scheme, being team captain isn’t such a big deal: being able to absorb some rejection and being able to basically play well with others is. So maybe this isn’t exactly the right moment to get into it - but a smaller event would be easier for him to discuss?

[Onthemove1971 in reply to MaudQ]

Yes, this is one of the hardest things about parenting and especially a child with ADHD. Knowing when to say something and when to not. He has won many things in his life, but one of the hardest for him ( especially being an only child) is team behavior. Helping your teammates and the coach.

Thanks we will revisit this again. It's just when is the perfect moment. He is "beat down" about many things, grades behavior... sometimes it's easier not to say something.

[MaudQ in reply to Onthemove1971]

I’m so with you. As a wise man once said, you’ve got to know when to hold em and know when to fold em. One thing I’ve been doing recently is talking to my kid about issues I’m having with friends or at work and asking her “advice.” It’s turning into a great way to talk about stuff. Also, just letting her have her feelings and being there for her. Maybe what you and your son need is an ice cream date or something along those lines - it sounds like you could use something restorative, too. Good luck!