My 17 year old son, who's a senior in high school, was recently diagnosed with ADHD (with no hyperactivity). He has struggled for years with one worrisome thing after another: depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, cutting, drug use, and really erratic school engagement and performance. Most other people would be really surprised to know that any of this has been going on because he's very charismatic and puts on a great front for the rest of the world. I wish to God that one of the professionals we'd taken him to years ago would have diagnosed this earlier because I feel like things could have been much different.
My husband and I have tried everything in our parenting toolbox to support him over the years, long before the diagnosis (numerous counselors, academic supports, setting boundaries, letting things go, trying to engage in discussions about feelings, giving him space)...everything we know how to do or could think of.
Yet, here we are. He's lied to us, again, about following through on some school commitments that he's made. I've been trying to support him by getting him to stick to a study schedule so that he doesn't get overwhelmed at the end of the term. Today it all blew up into another full-on conflict that resulted in him sending us the most blame-y, hurtful text you can imagine. He says that my husband and I are the reason for all of his problems. We put too much pressure on him. He doesn't want to be around us...etc.
He wants full autonomy and seems to be itching to turn 18 so he can be an "adult", yet he clearly can't handle the responsibilities that go along with it. He says he wants to make his own mistakes and we should just leave him alone.
So, I guess that's my question. I don't know how much to leave him alone. The thought of him turning 18 and moving out, pissed at us, and not wanting contact is terrifying to me. We're in the process of getting him on some medication that might help, but that may take a while to sort out. I've mostly let go of my hopes and expectations about his grades and plans for school. I felt like we've bent like reeds in the wind at every turn, yet he blames us for all his problems.
Have others had similar things happen? How did you deal with it? I'm at a loss and feeling like emotional hamburger right now.
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Miamipsy
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I can emphasize with you. There’s no magic solution unfortunately. For a senior about to graduate this is a scary time. He’s been able to put on a facade in high school that all’s ok and he’s fine, while at home he’s falling apart in private, and he probably wonders how he can keep that up in this next huge unknown stage in his life. His friends are going off to college, starting their exciting futures, and instead he may feel out of control and paralyzed about his own future. He can no longer fake it. That’s scary stuff for anybody, but especially for a young person with ADHD. At the same time, it’s natural that he wants respect and freedom like any older teen does. The parents’ dilemma is how to give this when they are not at all ready for it. It’s normal for ADHD kids to be even three years behind other peers. That’s a 14 year old about to graduate from high school in this case. Imagine how scary and worrisome that must be to him. I think his anger and blame toward you is really fear. It’s like an existential crisis for him.
Rather than heading right off to college, it may be really beneficial for him to take a “gap year” so he can continue to mature by allowing his executive functioning area of the brain to further develop. During this gap year, he’ll ideally experience some successes in whatever he’s doing to help rebuild his self confidence because right now his foundation to build the rest of his life on has a whole bunch of holes in it. It might be best for him to live at home while attending a local community college for a year or two so he is better prepared and more mature before starting at a local university or trade school. During this time he can explore things that interest him naturally which can hopefully turn into a future career for him. Success in life is about finding happiness, whatever that might mean for each person. Be open-minded, support him and encourage him, and always give him unconditional love. Because he doesn’t love himself right now, you need to give that to him. You need to give him courage and faith that he will find his way, his purpose in this confusing world. You need to be his foundation until he can do it himself.
And lastly, I hope that he is taking antidepressants along with ADHD meds. When a person has been doing negative self talk for so long It’s pretty impossible to dig yourself out of the hole without help from some antidepressant meds at least for a while.
Thank you so much for your reply. I keep trying to reframe what he said as him venting, and not how he really feels. Last night he told me that he didn't mean everything he texted, but he's just so good at saying what people want to hear that I don't feel like I can trust much of what he tells me any more.
He's not going to straight into college, since he has the tricky combo of high expectations and low GPA...I don't think he could get into any of the schools he wants to go to. He'll continue working at the restaurant where he's currently employed and take some acting classes, then maybe community college the following year. That's the current plan. For now, I just want him to finish high school.
Hi there, I have Inattentive ADHD (non hyperactive subtype), and was not diagnosed until my mid 20s. I have studied ADHD for a few years now and am in grad school to become an MFT Psychologist to help people with this very condition. Some of the issues you mention about your son, remind me of me when I was a teenager. I went through puberty when I was twelve, which is when the huge drop in your reward system happens if you have ADHD particularly Inattentive Type ADHD. I like your son was intense or on edge frequently, was considered very weird, was melancholy, angry, and in addition had really low grades, was called intelligent by my instructors but was called lazy because of lack of work ethic. None of them, including myself and my folks, knew I had Inattentive ADHD. The reason is because it is very difficult to spot, unlike the Hyperactive type of ADHD which is more obvious due to the more hyperactive activity and disruptive behavior. Inattentive types on the other hand day dream quite frequently, are really deep/introspective, and are very sedentary and are usually very introverted. I went through hell in elementary school, but once middle school came around and since I went through puberty early, I was an intense, moody, and very angry individual. I would do horrible things to any student who upset me, so nobody really ever gave me a hard time. I thankfully had music as my medication at the time. My dopamine and serotonin came from playing in many bands and learning over 10 musical instruments. People with ADHD are extremely creative and have a lot of potential. As for medication I myself take a low dose stimulant medication with a group of helpful supplements to help fight off the bad side effects that come with continued stimulant use. Unfortunately after taking stimulant ADHD medication, a large amount of negative side effects can start to occur. Also after taking stimulant medication for around 6 months or more, the neurotransmitters the stimulant medication helps out with (Dopamine, Serotonin, Norepinephrine) will start to deplete, which is why negative side effects start popping up, like irritability, apathy, and feeling like the medication is no longer working, like some people in this website have mentioned. This might occur even earlier on, especially the irritability (this happened to me really early on). This is why I highly recommend supplements to take with the medication, to combat negative side effects, help eliminate the irritable/emotional come down once the medication wears off as well, and help the medication work to its best potential. If your son is not taking ADHD stimulant medication, I highly recommend you give it a try. Once I started taking my medication and supplements, my life turned around for the better. It was like a switch was pulled and I finally was able to do things I thought were impossible for me for years. Adjustment and difficulty are still there, since a majority of things are setup for people without ADHD in this time we live in, but the the difficulty of life's responsibilities becomes a whole lot easier with the help of medication and supplements.
These Supplements help greatly with multiple things, and have helped me and some of the clients I have seen that suffer from negative side effects, and can also greatly help even if you do not take ADHD stimulant medication.
1. N-Acetyl Tyrosine: This supplement helps boost Dopamine and Norepinephrine, those are the two neurotransmitters most stimulant medications work with. The crash that happens after the medication wears off is because those two neurotransmitters are lower temporarily, which is why people experience irritability, sadness etc. I take N-Acetyl Tyrosine an hour or 30min before my medication wears off and thankfully have not experienced the crash of medication ever since. Depletion of those two neurotransmitters is one of the reasons why stimulant medication stops working, and this supplement really helps out in that regard.
2. I take a supplement called R-Alpha Lipoic Acid which is known to one of the most powerful antioxidants out there. It really helps the medication work to its full potential while fighting off oxidation. Stimulant medication creates a large amount of oxidation that is not good for the body, and that can cause physical discomfort as well as mood swings because of it. This supplement helps my body feel at ease, and helps me mentally to mellow out.
3. L-Tryptophan: this supplement is helpful for increasing Serotonin levels, since people with ADHD lack this neurotransmitter as well, especially the Hyperactive and Combined Type subtypes of ADHD, it is highly beneficial. This supplement brings up the mood, and helps the body relax.
4. CoQ10 to keep his heart rate and blood pressure from rising and staying at a safe level. This is common with stimulant medication.
5. A good multivitamin with antioxidants.
If any of this sounds helpful and of your interest, you can click my pic and it will take you to my profile where I have a link in my bio that includes all these supplements as well all the ones I personally take, along with info as to why they help people with ADHD. I am not selling anything, the link will take you to a helpful google word doc I made that includes information on each supplement, what places sell it, and how much it costs. In my profile you will also find a link to a youtube video series I made, detailing problems people with Inattentive ADHD go through from Elementary school through adulthood. I made these because not much attention is given to the Inattentive subtype of ADHD, and not many people know about it. Also keep in mind it is possible for a person to be both a hyperactive and inattentive type of ADHD, they are known as combined types, and the ratio varies from person to person. Hope this helps.
One thing I’ve heard recently from leading ADHD researchers is that there may not be different types of ADHD, meaning hyperactive and inattentive types, instead the ADHD just looks differently for different people. For some they are visibly hyperactive whether it’s physical or talkative or whatever, and for other people the hyperactivity is happening in their mind only. Hyperactivity concentrated in the mind might range from being highly creative to imagining things that are not there. What do you think of this, Eclecticentric77?
That's a very interesting perspective, if you know of an article from a valid source that discusses this, please send me a link. Besides the physical or mental hyperactivity, there are quite a large number of symptoms that are immensely different from a full Inattentive Type to a Full Hyperactive Type. There are different levels of neurotransmitter imbalances as well. While specific neurotransmitter deficiency is mutual (Dopamine and Norepinephrine), from my studies I have seen how Serotonin deficiency is much more at play in Hyperactive types, and Acetylcholine deficiency is more common in Combined Types according to an article I posted up here. I would also include the Inattentive types in there.
At the current moment I believe there is a larger ratio of researchers/psychologists who are neuro-typicals (people who do not have ADHD or a cognitive condition/disorder). This in my opinion leaves a lot of symptoms of all 3 subtypes of ADHD not researched or even mentioned. Universities have a system that is set up for neuro-typicals and not for people with ADHD, thus making it difficult for more of us with the condition to make it far enough to become a researcher/psychologist. This is why I believe there is a ratio imbalance. Many of the symptoms I mention, are from my own direct observations of myself, many different types of people with ADHD, documentaries I have seen, articles and books I have read etc. Some of these symptoms might go unnoticed since the people who decide what to experiment usually do not have ADHD themselves and might not know some of the more detailed issues that a person who actually has ADHD, can recommend to research or experiment. I'm hopeful and thankful now that more people are realizing they have ADHD, are getting treatment, and hopefully more will join the scientific community in order to give better insight and solutions to the symptoms people with ADHD face. I am one of those people and hope to really bring some un-researched symptoms to the spotlight.
Thank you so much for your reply. All of the information about medications and supplements is very good to know. He has not started taking any ADHD meds yet, but that is the next step. I'm really hoping it helps some.
Like you, his outlet is creative things like music and filmmaking. He's had lots of success in those areas and I think they've been a vital haven from academics. I'm confident that he will find a path...probably in a creative field.
He's just so mean much of the time. I think he saves most of it for us at home because I hear from other people that he's a great kid. Does that get better with meds and maturity? If not, I worry that he will yank himself away from us at the first opportunity.
That's really good to hear. The creative outlet is highly therapeutic.
Unfortunately since he is an Inattentive type, being intense, moody, and even sometimes lacking levels of empathy is common. I myself was like that as a teen and was in a bad mood 40% of the day everyday. Being around people and especially hearing people talk about stuff I did not like really put me in a bad mood. People with ADHD deal really bad with disappointment, rejection, and failure, and we will go out of our way not to go through them, with the exception of Hyperactive types and some combined types who are prone to impulsive decision making. The fact that others say he is a good kid is probably due to him not wanting to risk going through any of those three I mentioned (disappointment etc).
The medication and supplements IMMENSELY help. It was like a night and day difference for me. My mind and body finally felt at ease and my anger and irritable mood really dropped, plus I was able to actually get my work and responsibilities taken care of finally. He is at a good age as well to start with the medication. I went through the first half of my undergraduate studies undiagnosed, with no medication or supplements. It was absolute hell, I was very moody and a majority of things took me 3x as long to get done as others. 99% of my friends, who all have ADHD, all started college with me when I was 18, and all of them except for 1, have dropped out. It gets better. The medication and supplement intake has to become routine though, and the effort on his behalf still has to be given.
First of all, good for you for getting him this far in school without medication! i would advise getting him on something for ADHD right away - preferably a stimulant, which will work very quickly. At this point, I would definitely delay college or stick with a junior college for the first 2 years. We sent our son away and it was a disaster. These boys are not ready for all the responsibility of living away and doing schoolwork on their own. As far as moving out and being on his own, I am sure he doesn't realize that he would have to work full-time AND most likely have a roommate in order to afford an apt, insurance, etc. Please try not to take the mean texts, remarks, etc too seriously. We've been through the "mean" phase and it still surfaces at times. It's also very hard to let go of the expectations for college, jobs, etc right now and I had a really hard time with it. He is probably going to live at home with you for at least 3-4 more years......set up some rules and stick to them. He may think he's ready to total independence, but I can tell you from long and painful experience that he's not. The biggest thing right now is to make sure he graduates from high school - no matter what. Kids without a diploma have an even harder time finding a job because even the fast food industry requires a HS diploma these days. My son is now almost 24 and finally in junior college - he decided on his own to go back. He also realized he had to have his ADHD meds in order to do college work, so he's back on his Vyvanse. There is a lot more to our story, so let me know if you want to chat!!
I raised a daughter with ADHD and now and helping to raise a grandson with the same diagnosis. Both of them suffered from depression which made them very angry and irritable. My daughter has stabilized in her mid-thirties. My grandson who is 13 his on Wellbutrin and intuniv which has made a huge difference in his attitude and ability to concentrate in school.
The sooner you try medication with your son's better chance he has of stabilizing.
My grandson still says hateful things at times when he is angry but he apologizes later and says he wishes he has said things like that. I believe him. I know he doesn't want to be like that sometimes just can't help it
In your post, you asked whether you should just "leave him alone" and let him experience and learn from his choices. I think you absolutely should do that...but in a strategic, collaborative way. What that means is that you don't just give up and wash your hands of him, and say "good luck!" but instead, you take a different approach where you allow him to have input, buy-in and take ownership of his choices AND his consequences. And, in the meantime while he's doing that, you work on strengthening your relationship with him so that when he is finally ready and willing to ask for and receive help and support (which he likely will when he starts to get undesirable results from his choices and realizes he needs some help to get different results) you're the first person he thinks of to go to.
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