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ADHD Parents Together
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Need advice on how to be patient

Hello all, I have found this group to be so rewarding. Reading that so many others are having similar experiences makes me not feel so alone in the struggle! My main area of concern right now is actually with myself and my parenting. I have 2 children, both age 9 (a daughter and a stepson) who both have ADHD. I am struggling so badly to have patience throughout an entire day even. Sometimes at the end of the day I end up acting so impatient to the point where I'm immature, acting no better than them and even letting things come out that I KNOW at this point are triggers for them that escalate situations from bad to worse. I just started reading "Parenting Children with ADHD" and hope that will help give me ideas. But, what are some things that you parents who struggle with being patient do to help? Because honestly after getting through dinner,homework help, showers etc, daily routines I just don't have any patience left some days and I'm ashamed of how I act a lot of the time because of it.

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Not sure if any of these suggestions will help, but here it goes:

Start your own journal....sometimes just writing down your thoughts and feelings help.

Find time for some "Me Time". exercise, relaxing bath etc.

Add things in your living space to remind you to relax and take deep breaths...lavender oil in a diffuser, candles, music.

I often feel as you do. I react because I am stressed and end up mirroring my kids' actions. I sometimes go in the bathroom and lock the door to give myself a time-out.

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Thank you for those suggestions. I have noticed that talking about it with someone makes me feel better, so maybe the journal would be a good idea as well. As for locking myself in the bathroom, my,daughter follows me everywhere I go....including the bathroom so it's just about impossible to be alone. That is probably one of the reasons for my impatience. She has severe anxiety in addition to ADHD which includes severe separation anxiety with me. If she knows I'm upset and tell her I need a minute and try to walk away she follows. If I lock the door she bangs on it:/ hard. I do have time during the day to journal though and I was in the routine of exercising which helped as well and need to get back into that.

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How are you addressing the anxiety issues? My son also has severe anxiety which was causing problems at school. Once we addressed that he’s gotten better, even though he’s still highly distractible.

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@MunchkinMommy537 How did you address the anxiety issues? My five year old drives me up the wall with his anxiety-driven behavior. I can’t face the thought of him still being like this in four years. 😕

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We started giving him Prozac at 4&1/2. He was having problems at PreK, and so we had him evaluated by a psychologist. She diagnosed him with mild autism and ADHD. We tried addressing the ADHD first and didn’t have any luck. Once we got his anxiety down some we saw so much improvement. It also helped us start focusing on the ADHD. We ended up going through 8 or 9 different medication combinations before we saw any improvement. The psychiatrist we started seeing said that we needed to get his mood stable first because stimulants would only enhance it. I highly recommend finding a pediatric psychiatrist if you’re going to give medication. Pediatricians only know so much about medications, and (in my experience) are only comfortable giving lower doses.

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Exercise

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I have the same problem with my granddaughter. I often lock myself in my car in the garage, with the dog who is afraid of her, and cry. I wish I had suggestions. I can only empathize.

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I like marebear's suggestions, and would add that your emotions are a result of your thoughts and Journaling like she suggests is a great way to uncover the thoughts and beliefs that are causing you to feel impatient and stressed out. You can't control what your kids do, but you can control and change how you interpret it (your thoughts). When you think different thoughts, you will feel better, which will then result in you reacting differently. Example: thoughts like, "they are doing this to piss me off" or "I am so sick of doing all of this" will result in much different emotions than thoughts like, "they are doing the best they can right now given their lack of focus" or "It's important they do things themselves even if it takes longer" etc. etc.

Joyce Mabe, parenting coach, website parentcoachjoyce.com

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Thank you for the advice. I do notice a huge difference in how I feel when I'm trying to be positive and how I feel when I've just had enough. It makes me feel terrible and brings out the worst in them. It is so very difficult to remain positive all the time through the name calling, rude comments, fits, physical outburst, homework struggles and arguments amongst them.

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When things get unbearable at my house, and I want to quit my job as a parent, my husband will tell me "he didn't ask to be born this way." I try to keep this in my head and try to put one foot in front of the other.

Also, it is ok for you to take your own time-out; you can tell them that you need a break and ask them to respect your time while you remove yourself from the situation and re-group. If your daughter follows you, could you tell her that she is welcome to come with you, as long as she is absolutely quiet? (My son has anxiety and is also a master manipulator, so he would also follow me, making getting away from him nearly impossible.)

I'm thinking if you are at the point of needing a break, then they are, too. Could you completely shift gears and say, "Kids! It's time to get an ice cream (or have a dance party, or run an errand, or play a game, etc.)" and then come back to where you left off?

Good luck!

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What kind of behavior are you having ?

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It is ok to apologize to the kids later for losing it. That teaches them that everyone makes mistakes but we can say sorry when we do.

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I dont have any suggestions but I have to been going threw the same thing. There have been times im acting like him. And I have outburst yelling back and I find myself arguing when I shouldn't and later I feel so bad when j do. There have been times I just shower and just cry let it out listen to Christian music and it helps. That is ONLY me time I have. But it hurt me so bad to hear that my son told my mom well maybe I should just run away me and my mom just need a break. Gosh that hurt me so bad. Sux my own child telling my mom about this and that's what his thoughts are. I've told him im sorry im and going to try and stop yelling cause it gets us no where

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I went to be a better parent to my son

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Hi Kcooper829!

You're not alone in your struggles! I'm wondering who else in your family is helping out with the care of the children? I'm asking this because when I lose my cool to my son and regret it later, I realized that root causes of my anger was actually towards my partner who says he cares (in his own way, researching about ADHD or identitying resources) but isn't helping me in a way I want to see him involved in this ADHD parenting. So for me, it was a lot of self reflection and more communication and delegation of parenting ttasks with my partner that were helpful in keeping my sanity under control. This may not apply to you, but just a thought. Journalling should be a great tool in identifying irrational or illogical beliefs we hold within ourselves. I was greatly helped through separating the source of anger that wasn't relevant to my son's inability to control himself from my own. I'm a lot more mindful when certain emotions are triggered within me and how I'd go about regulating myself.

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Hello my first time here I read your post and I'm in the same boat. My son who's 8 also has ADHD and extreme anxiety. He is on a new medication Celexa and it's helped for the anxiety. As for what helps me keep my calm is an OTC capsule called L-THEANINE you can get at Walgreens. It HAS helped me so much to keep calm during those very difficult moments with my son. It's my miracle mood pill and I will never be without again. I have been on it for about 1 month I was searching for something online for myself when I was literally wanting to yank my hair out sometimes. Came across a video about it on YouTube then I read about it tried it and OMG! Maybe it will help alot of mom's out there who are riding this same boat with us. Check it out I hope it helps if you try it.

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