15 yr old HS - having trouble socially

[Jnewengland]

So happy I found this group!! I wish parents were more honest about the struggles with their kids where I live.

My 15 yr old is in HS, he has struggled to keep friends last 4 yrs. he's a bit immature regarding his hobbies, girls. He's extremely quiet and school, partly because he's shy but also because his self esteem is low.

He just doesn't talk about things his peers do, kids don't pick on him but just exclude or stay away. He's been mean to his younger brother a lot, he just never says anything nice to him and teases him so his brother doesn't want to do much with him.

We've gotten him in sports but I'm sure like most towns if you aren't very good you sit on the bench to lower ur self worth and it makes it harder to do well when u do get a chance.

So worried for him socially, we don't know how to help.

[JackieMS]

To boost his self esteem, try finding clubs or classes that involve things your son is good at and interested in. My son was never into team sports, but loved Legos and drawing, so I signed him up for art lessons and a Lego Robotics class. It helped socially also, he was with kids that had interests in common.

[Jnewengland in reply to JackieMS]

Yes we've offered drawing and anything else he wants, but he isn't interested. He loves playing baseball, but sits on bench mostly

[ScatteredMom in reply to Jnewengland]

Is there another team or league option, where the coach isn't an asshole and lets children who want to play actually play, rather than making it all about winning?

[Hidden]

Hi,

I know it's hard, but in my experience, there won't be much you can do until HE is ready and motivated to get different results (which might happen or it might not). As parents we have a lot of hopes and dreams for our kids. And we want to help them avoid pain and disappointment and all of that. Of course this is normal but the reality is that he needs to find his own path in a way that works for him. (As a parent of a son with ADHD I had to keep reminding myself of the things I can't control (his actions, choices, decisions) versus what I can control (my thoughts, actions and reactions and especially expectations).

He may never be as social as you wish he was, but he might be fine with that--until he isn't-- at which point you could offer him ideas WHEN/IF he asks. The beauty of backing off and waiting is that when he is ready, he will be much more open to your ideas. In the meantime what he probably wants and needs the most is for everyone to like and accept him exactly the way he is. His self-esteem will improve when he starts to do the things that are hard and he sees he can do them. But that's something he has to do internally not with a push from the outside. He will get there on his own time in his own way--I saw it with my own son as well as with the kids of my coaching clients. If you can trust that and instead of trying to "help" him, just focus on your relationship with him, I think you will feel a lot better and will be helping in some valuable ways.

Hope this helps!

Joyce Mabe, parenting coach, website: parentcoachjoyce.com