I need help!

[Mystery1076]

I have two kids with ADHD. My 13 year old concerns me the most right now. He also has anxiety problems. He does not want to go to school so we are trying online or homeschooling which I think could really work for him if he could just have more initiative to focus on it. If I put him back in public school and he refuses to go the courts will get involved and I am trying to avoid that. We have tried counseling. He refuses to talk to anyone anymore. His ideal daily life would be to lay around and play on his tablet all day. We have tried lots of things but still want help. I welcome any suggestions you might have.

[sadazero]

Hello Mystery1076 ,

I have an 11 year old son that just started middle school. We have been struggling with school since he was in kindergarten. It took us a while to get an IEP set up and intervention. We had so much help in elementary school and support from the teachers. He improved so much in the 5th grade.

His anxiety began over the summer when the realization that he was going to start middle school set in. He became depressed as well. He has been going to therapy, but like your son does not really want to go. I am currently in the process of seeking individual and maybe group therapy for him.

He started middle school a month ago and has already missed 7 days. He starts experiencing anxiety at night and it is becoming stomach issues in the morning.

He has asked me several times already to home school him, which is not an option right now.

He started taking medicine a month and a half ago. It has not helped much. We just doubled the dosage to see if that helps. Today was his first day taking the medicine.

My next course of action is to get in touch with his teachers and see if I can work with them to get him extra time to complete assignments. They are all aware that he has an IEP and he also has a resource teacher. My son tells me that his teachers are mean and do not offer help. It makes me worry. I do not know if this is really the case, or just his perception due to his anxiety.

I'm looking into programs and perhaps a school that focuses on kids who have learning disabilities.

I hope someone else has help for you. I wish I could offer advice. I just felt like sharing that you are not alone.

I completely understand your struggle. Hang in there.

[Hidden]

You might consider using his tablet as a reward. He has to earn it (with schoolwork) and gets periods of time for successfully finishing an assignment. He still needs structure, even though he is not in school.

[Marchdoggy]

Wow. This was my now 14 year old. Missed so many days last year due to anxiety/depression that he actually failed math and had to take online summer school to move on to 9th grade. He kept talking about homeschooling or online school, but he really needs to figure out the social interaction, so we told him that is not an option. A military school or therapeutic boarding school were his next stop if he could not make this work. We had genetic testing done last year which confirmed what we already knew: he cannot take ANY stimulant medication. He had severe side effects when he was on them years ago. The teachers at his parochial school claimed the meds helped him focus, but really he was only marginally better behaved for them at school, plus he never ate his lunch and then was a holy terror after 4 pm. So now he is only on an antidepressant and an anti anxiety drug that also helps him sleep. He does not have or want friends and would play games on his phone or the Xbox all day if we would let him. The last 4 years, he claimed severe anxiety in school and carried a book with him throughout the day that he would read to soothe him. This school year was off to a very rocky start with him not doing his assignments and frequently being late (missing math and sometimes English), plus missing several days entirely. We realized that when he missed the entire day it was usually because he stayed up all night on electronics and didn't take his night meds. Sometimes it was because he hadn't showered the night before and didn't get up early enough to shower in the morning. He was failing all core subjects, and reading his book in all classes instead of paying attention, so we called an emergency meeting with the teachers and his intervention specialist. They outlined what assignments were too late to complete and laid out a plan to get current assignments in. We told him the book had to stay home. He was upset because it was his security blanket. In addition, we took his phone completely away 3 weeks ago with the understanding that he can earn it back with one solid week of keeping up at school, being civil and cooperative at home, and taking care of himself, i.e. taking meds on time, showering at night, getting to bed and waking up on time. At first, he was enraged and refused to do anything that weekend. But the next Monday he did start taking responsibility for doing (and turning in) his work. It has not been smooth sailing, but he has begun to realize how smart he is and how much he enjoys learning. Putting this all on him was what we needed to do so he could "grow up" a bit. He is immature for 14 (probably more like 12). He realizes we are all cheering for him, but he has to make it happen. We do try to reward good days when he is ready on time and making a real effort by attending conferences after school with small rewards like a candy bar or heading out for a smoothie. Yesterday we made the mistake of letting him have his deactivated smartphone because he wanted to make flash cards on it for tests this week. We had a real setback today when he missed the first two periods because he stayed up too late on the phone. He agreed the phone is the biggest impediment to his progress and is going to give it back to us to hide. So I know this is blabby, but I think we are finally on to something that will work! Mind you this kid has been sucking the life out of us for so long we never could imagine him being even remotely independent or responsible. He has two older siblings so we know what "normal" should look like! But I think he was relying on us to do too much for him and that only made him weaker and afraid to even "try" anything. In his mind, he wasn't failing if he didn't even try! If there is a kernel of anything helpful in our story, I'm glad I could share, and if not, thanks for reading it anyway!

[Mysteryj1076 in reply to Marchdoggy]

Thanks for replying. We have similar issues going on. But my son gets violent when we take his tablet away. He is overly persistent about getting it back early. My husband is able to get him to listen but I can't. I'm trying to homeschool him right now but it's not working out. He slacks off when I'm not watching and I feel he is not learning enough. I recently put him on the waiting list for pride prep, a hands-on charter school. But he probably won't get in until next year. This is so frustrating. I'm tired of dealing with it but I don't want to give up on him.