will i ever fight this illness?

Hi i am new to the site and thought i would give it a go as i don't go out anymore and would be nice to chat to people in simular situatin to me. I have suffered with depression for years,since i was about 18, had numerous counsilling sessions on a 1to1 basis and many different medication of anti depressents. i have recently changed my medication from setraline which i had been taking for a few years to mirtizapine 30mg as i was finding sleeping a great difficulty, the meds worked at first and it felt great to have a full nights sleep but now i seem to be falling back into the same trap of not sleeping then awake all night and the cycle continues on. I have recently moved to a complete new area with my now boyfriend and i thought the change of senery ect would be my ticked to a normal life but it has spirralled out of control. I now feel more alone than i ever had, i am no longer close to my family and have no friends only my boyfriend for suppoet, he works a lot of hours so i am more or less on my own most days. I would love to make new friends in the area but not having small children anymore it is more difficult as i don;t have th school runs etc what i used to have. I joined my local slimming world group as i am over weight too thinking it would benefit my weight but more importantly i would meet new friends in the area but my anxiety got the better of me and i only went 2 times. Because i have moved to a new district i have also registered with a new GP and i feel so uncomfortable seeing them as they don't know me or my past and i feel like thy think i,m talking utter crap! lol. thanks for reading xx

26 Replies

  • Hi lovely uklady, sometimes we wonder if we make the right decisions in life, it's usually the way that you don't release how much you miss something till it's gone.

    I did the same thing and found that without school runs it was much harder to settle in, but eventually over the years friends did come and sadly often themselves more away. I often wish I had family around, but after suffering from illness last year I have realized that they are always on the phone to me so that I am not alone.

    There is no doubt that some circumstances can bring back bad bouts of depression, but there is also no way of saying if you would have been happier having made a different decision and not moved? Having support around is invaluable yes, but it doesn't cure us anymore than we are able to help ourselves.

    I urge you to keep searching for what is in your area, as the GP for a referral to the community mental health team to find out about all possible groups that may be available.

    Look up meetup on the net, they are cropping up everywhere and are a great way to socialize and help settle in a new area, I am in one for shy people so we all know it can be difficult to join. If you don't have one close do you think you maybe with your boyfriend to help could start one?

    I find to keep myself from spiralling out of control I need to attack depression from many angles at the same time, I find the food I eat plays a big part and try to stay away from all processed foods, luckily I love cooking, so when I am feeling good it's much easier to keep that plan going, which also makes my mood swings much easier to control, take in regular exercise (a dog helps) and not be so quick to push people away that try to help, which is something I have done all my life.

    Sometimes the only way to combat recurring depression is to keep reinventing yourself, be brave and open to every opportunity that comes your way. Feeling alone can be one of the worst things in the world, don't wait for family to call you, spend hours talking to them on the phone when you need to, they can be closer than you think.

    These few winter months are much harder to bare if you are isolated, you might also need vitamin D to help? GPS are often testing these levels if you are suffering depression. Please don't feel so alone with this, there are lots of friendly people here when you need support or just a vent.

    Lots of hugs to you, be brave and inquisitive and I hope you find you have moved to an incredible place and the beginning of a new and exciting era , Moni xxx

  • Hi Moni and thanks for your reply and kind words,

    i do actually have 2 dogs and my one passion was going for long walks with them and to be honest that is one of the reasons i moved to more country side dwellings to admire the countryside which i love and keep myself active, but unfortunately this has had the complete opposite affect and i can't bring myself to go out on these walks, my anxiety just gets the better of me. Also you mentioned meetup, i actually did join a local one in my area but again i have not attempted any of the events. I have just recently bought myself a car and in the progress of waiting to take driving lessons so i hope this will be the thing i need to get me out this awful rut.

    Diane x

  • Hi Diane, Ya sadly that's what a bad cycle of depression does, I've been there and all the tea in China couldn't drag me out, even though I so wanted to, just couldn't get past the front door :-(

    But at least wanting to change is such a positive step, not to punish or berate ourselves on the days it seems to difficult, it won't last forever.

    I always try to read everything I can on depression, watch talks on YouTube and just keep trying different techniques and then all of a sudden I move forward and just as I may have spiralled down, find I can spiral up and make the best of each day.

    I always wish there was a group like alcoholics anonymous where we could have a sponsor, so when things got bad they could come round and help us go out. Find out what your community mental health team has, years ago I had a support worker who offered to help me go out, but at the time that support had been forced on me and I rebelled against it and just wanted to be left alone.

    Just keep trying to convince yourself it isn't so much a bad decision, just one more bad spell you are going to find a way out of. In a few months when the sun is shining and you are more upbeat, then is the time to reflect on that move and whether you want to change things.

    Take care, lots of hugs, Moni xx

  • Hi Moni, I am on that very low again and very scared i am going end it all very soon. I was so proud of myself as i had my 1st driving lesson on Monday and it took a massive effort to even get into the car but i did it and i was buzzing when i came back. but now that slight glimmer of hope has faded again! I just sometimes get days when i think why am i even here and think of ways to end it all.

  • Hi Diane, so glad your first lesson went well, one of my pet hates has always been driving and can never understand how every one of my family love it so much? But to have the freedom and independence that goes with driving is worth a little lack of enjoyment :-)

    Hun you have been so deep in a depression it may not be able to right itself as quick as you would need it to, which is why you need so much support around you at the moment to get through this.

    When I am down I think there is more about life that I can't tolerate than there is to like, but that truly is an illusion that low mood creates. Why are any of us here? Who knows that answer and people have been trying to find it probably since the beginning of consciousness, after all along with our good reactions there is always the not so good, some even say experiencing the lows makes you appreciate the highs more. I have never gone with that so much, but its so good when the vale of depression lifts and you can suddenly appreciate the little things in life with the joy they do bring.

    At the moment it's pitch black and silent outdoors and there is a bird singing so beautifully and I am so enjoying it, another early morning I may want to shoot the dam bird! Accepting the unacceptable is what you are so fighting to gain control over, to have these thoughts and feelings and not react to carry them through.

    The end is going to come to everyone whether we are ready or not and trying to control that, you have no idea of how many good experiences you would be deprived of.

    I listened to a good talk on the Sedona method once that helped me accept negative emotions and then take deep breaths and let them go and that seemed to help.

    I have just been reading Oliver Sacks awakening, don't know if you have seen the film with Robin Williams, anyway by the by, there's a part where it is said parkensonian patients borrow the will from someone to be able to move. Sometimes I sit cuddled up with my little dog who can't seem to do anything but be contented and full of love, so I borrow a little and feel that love inside as well.

    Don't ever make the mistake that we often do, that is to measure our self worth by how much we are loved or needed. Hang on in there Di, you have so much to explore in this life, it might feel like you can hardly walk with this one step forward and sometimes two back, soon it will be two forward and one back and hell after that it might be a full scale marathon out of the door!

    Don't ever give up life is actually very short. Lots of love and hugs to you, Moni xxx

  • I joined Www.meetup.com when i moved to a new area. Great way to meet new people in the local.area. xx

  • I just found out about meet up from a friend in another part of the country. But when I googled it there is nothing near me :( x

  • Hi. Bev, even if you maybe don't feel like organizing it might be worth trying to start one up in your area, wait until people join and ask them if they would like to arrange a coffee morning? Or maybe join you for a game of darts when you know you are with other company to give you support. I was petrified when I organized my first event, but it gets easier. Once you have a group in that area, other groups seem to start and you get all the notifications when they do.

    I have met a fun friend who joins everything in our area regardless! She makes me laugh so much as she is in cycling and sailing meetups, has neither a bike or knows how to sail, but just loves all the notifications! She's nuts but adorable and always up for trying something new 😂 Moni xx

  • Hi. You are in a new area without your normal support network around you. It is going to be tougher for a while.

    You already have put in a lot of effort in joining sliming world and going twice.

    I bet many people drop out who do not have the burden of depression!

    Give yourself a pat on the back for taking positive steps and keep taking small steps forward.

    You are fighting this illness by posting here and sharing your challenges.

    Keep in touch with your support network and if you can let them know you miss them and need an extra boost for a while. Persist with the new gp and see if there are other local groups to join. I go to a mental health group one a week just for contact and support. I find it easier to have conversations if everyone's in the same boat.

    You are fighting. Recognise your success and keep going.

    Take care


  • Hi; I fully sympathise with you, as I am in the same boat...fighting depression all my life.

    I found Fluoxitine was good for a few years, but it seemed to stop working. Apparently your brain gets used to it, so you need to change meds for six months, then go back to it.

    There is zero support for this debilitating illness.

    I've come to the conclusion that's it's a manifestation of something else wrong; I read somewhere that people who suffer with long term depression usually develope dementia and Alzheimer's.

    But there is some exciting results to be had from taking 2 tsp of raw unprocessed coconut oil.. ( I found it really helped my depression! Try it, you have nothing to lose!)

    What I read in your statement made me jump though.. And even though I am suffering a migraine right now, I must tell you this..

    Mirtazepan is an awful drug; for weight gain.

    It's actually marketed under a different name for annorexics; to help them put on weight!


    If you have a weight problem, expect it to become much worse.

    You won't be able to control your cravings....I know, I was on it, and I tried!

    It's worse than a crackhead craves cocaine!

    Remember; Google is at your fingertips...

    Every drug you take; type in " user reviews " ... Do some research.... There is no excuse for ignorance these days; I've learnt this as a life lesson!

    Your GP can only write prescriptions; they don't have to suffer the side effects; they don't care.

    ( in my experience) ... They are pencil pushers with impossible targets to reach..

    How is ten minutes enough to diagnose anyone?

    What I have found invaluable is finding a passion; a hobby.. A craft.

    Even if you aren't particularly talented, it's like a muscle; the more you use it, the better it gets.. Anything that requires concentration and provides you with an end result , you will find helps take your mind off the sadness.

    Knitting, sewing, growing, painting.. It's the only time I forget how much I want to lie down in a hole in the earth and become one with the soil.

    I find watching the news reminds me of how lucky I am to have a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in... And I think the ultimate cure will be finding a job helping less fortunate people.

    Just as soon as the migraines allow me to get another job..

    That's another story ( one I think has a lot to do with my depression, and one day, when they do an autopsy on my body, they'll say, " Oh yeah, look, that's what was wrong with her! )

    I also believe childhood trauma continues to haunt us, long after we have consciously forgotten about it .. A forward casting shadow we feel but don't know it's there.

    I hope I haven't scared you; good luck.. I hope you get better.. It's a terrible thing . .. Remember, you are not alone..the same sun that shines on you, shines on me.

  • Hi you would have scared the life out of me with that bit about dementia if I hadn't read the same thing. I read it as though that you are likely to get it if you suffer from depression and not the word 'usually'. x

  • phew! it scared me too x

  • :D ;) x

  • Sorry, I am a delight, aren't I ?

  • That's good; I'm hoping they are wrong .. Thanks for pointing that out.. My daughter worked recently in a private care home - full of dementia patients. Her stories made my toes curl, adding to my fears for what the future holds.

    She pointed out; "don't worry Mum, if you get it, I'll know how to look after you!"

    Like that's a comfort.

    Who wants their beloved child to have to do that?

    On the other hand, I'll be able to produce some particularly attractive designs with fecal matter on the walls.. Which seems to be a favorite pastime for full blown dementia patients.


  • Oh yuck! Have some terrible images in my mind now - thanks ;)

    Actually I missed a word out in my reply. It should have been 'more' likely. I don't think the risk is much higher though. x

  • Hi there ,Ireally enjoyed your post.I too suffer anxiety ,depression and constant migraines.A neurologist said the migraines were due to depression,so im beginning to believe him.The only time I felt good about myself is when I was caring for others,you forget about your own problems,but now my pain has kept me from working .Anyway great to know Im not alone.Take care

  • Hi Elaine and thank you for your kind words of encouragement, yes i did hear a rumour that mirtazipine might be the root problem why i have gained so much weight in a short time so i think a visit to my go to go back to my original ones might be a good start. And yes you are right about the shadow casting over us from childhood traumas and i have also unfortunately had my share of these too. I also wonder if depression and other mental health problems are inherited as my mother also has a mental illness (worse than mine) and her dad had schizophrenia. My youngest daughter is showing the signs of early stages of depression too.

  • I definitely think it's in the genes.. My grandmother was the most unhappy person.. Always wishing she was dead.

    My mother the same.

    In a future world, maybe they'll be able to fix our genes with a simple injection?

    How wonderful that would be.

    My daughters suffer too, the best I can do for them is listen , and point out, I know exactly how they feel.

    They are not alone.

    I've discovered how easy it is to shut the critical thoughts up..

    Washing the dishes the other day, my inner musings turn to vicious attacks on myself, guilt, shame, you know.. What good friends we are to ourselves ( not!)

    Anyway, I thought, nah, sod this.. So I put some music on .. And then I was fine!

    Is it that easy ?

    I need to go for the CBT sometime..

    Just as soon as I sort my life out ; after getting fired because of the migraines.

    I worked for the bank 13 years.

    I should cut myself some slack.. It's a disgusting thing they have done to me.

    There is a need to heal.

  • No it isn't that easy but it's very positive if you can do it. A couple of things I have picked up over the years and now do automatically are, whenever I start having a go at myself calling myself names is to ie 'You lazy cow for getting up so late' I then follow it with a positive 'Well done for getting up when you are feeling so bad'.

    The other is you know when you overthink everything 'I must do the housework, go to work' etc. is I tell my legs to move. I tell my feet to get up and start walking. This sounds really silly but it's amazingly effective. x

  • Welcome uklady,IM having similar problems to you,I know the advice is good about joining things but the problem is like you I get social anxiety so all those things make me more awkward and depressed.Ive done all the feel the fear and face it but I just dont want to go through all that again.I like this forum because we are all suffering in some way and therefore very understanding.So you can post me anytime if your feeling lonely.love to you

  • Hi,

    I have been where you are. It takes a long time to establish friendships and so I get the feeling alone. When I read your post, I thought this person is doing all the right things. Joining slimming word, what a great idea. I am not surprised you feel low in mood, anyone would. I am not surprised you feel anxious about going to slimming world, it is really hard to find people to talk to. It was a brave decision to move, good for you. It is a great idea to share you fears with people who have a good idea about what you are going through. I hope you get the support you need, just remember it takes time. If you invite someone for a coffee and they don't come, it's ok they really may have plans.

    I wish you well


  • Hi there,

    One thing you have to understand is that the feelings that eventually lead to depression are all natural like fear, anxiety, anger, that are all a reaction to a possible threatening situation. this induces stress hormones and adrenaline rush, which are there to be used by your body to evade or protect yourself from a threat. Aspects of those threatening situations like sound, image, smell become embedded in your memory and the slightest feel of a threat alerts you instantly causing you to either run away or stay to protect yourself. Animals show this apparent behaviour as part of living in their natural surroundings because the slightest sound they have to be alert.

    It becomes a problem when those feelings don't curve off and stop but are constantly there and it is this that leads to depression, which makes you feel very alert to situations. Animals need these feelings because they live naturally in their natural environment but our environment is not natural but man made so there are not many threatening situations but only those that differ from person to person so what one sees is normal others see as something to escape. sorry for the waffle please bear with me :)

    Depression does one of many things which is putting up mental barriers that aren't really there. There is because of that I've mentioned above. You can try medication but my personal opinion is that they are a temporary fix.

    what you need to do is go about your normal day to day things even carry on with the slimming classes and maybe more but don't hold back. whenever you come across a negative feeling note it down, remember how you felt and write down what past situation had happened that made you feel that way. it is these past memories that heighten your stress and anxiety and these are the ones you need to tackle and nurture yourself to convince yourself that they do not exist any more.

    once you deal with these past memories and slowly let go of them then you can slowly start to move on with your life feeling relaxed, less stressed and feel confident to carry on with your slimming classes and maybe possibly other classes too. whenever a situation comes that feels threatening to you then you will know not to give in into that but learn to control your reaction to be strong and positive in the face of it.

    one thing you need to understand is doing this can take time and patience because you are learning about yourself and what you are also doing here is a type of CBT on yourself to change your reaction to situations to something more positive rather than negative.

    This is how I dealt with my depression and it's how I got better and felt positive in myself and 2 years on I'm still learning but I can say that 90% of my depression is gone.

    Best wishes,

  • I echo your comments.

    A researcher in neuroscience told me a similar thing.

    Our brains are wired to detect threats so we can run or fight.

    any threat and we pump chemicals into our body to prepare us for action.

    The trouble is we cant tell the difference between a Sabre toothed tiger and a meeting with a manager or difficult day at work!

    We still pump the same chemicals.

    If we run around or fight it burns them up but we are not allowed to do this any more.

    Modern society is riddled with stressed people due to our own internal chemicals, long term this leads to depression and anxiety.

    She was surprised more people do not suffer from depression as we all are faced with daily challenges and perceived threats.

    All the comments here, getting up and moving and doing things helps. Logging thoughts so we are better able to respond and recognise our own thoughts are not threats to our wellbeing. Talking and thinking of others so we respond to reality and not our made up versions of what is going on.

    After 10 years of Depression and anxiety I feel I am making progress.

    Counselling, CBT, mindfulness, ACT therapy, reading books and articles online have all helped.

    Time and patience with an understanding that we all take small steps to get better has helped me.

    I still have to manage my illness but it does not control me any longer.

    Best wishes to all.



  • thanks David,

    I agree that a small step at a time is a very good method.

    I guess some people who deal with stress on a continuous basis know how to come out of it quick, maybe their personality has something to do with it or how strong they are as an individual or the circle of people they are around help them relieve it better.

    I think a person with depression would ideally need someone close by they can trust, someone who knows them and understands what they are going through help them judge a situation they see as a bad one but in reality its not, bit like what you mentioned about a sabre tooth and a meeting with manager.

    I can reflect on my own experience that I had no one who was committed to help who understood what i was going through because for them it was difficult giving that support due to their own personal commitments. some even told me bad things that i was selfish while going through severe depression and they said they didn't care what i was going through. So i had to find a way to help myself and took a step at a time and just ignored what people said mainly because i chose not to tell my family/relatives about my depression.

    Like you i've got 90% of my depression tamed. it took time and practice by doing CBT on myself, which i'm still doing. 3 years on i feel normal, wake and sleep ok, firing off with my interests and hobbies and restarting my hobby in RC cars and join the racing club (if its still going) soon but any situation that i know i feel is challenging me i remember what happened and practice to change my reaction next time by trying to let go of those haunting memories.

    from my experience I want to help others but my commitments at work means I can't reply to all those to come here asking for help.

    I guess at the end of the day some things are easier said than done and for someone with depression putting it into action is a big challenge

    all the best,

  • Thank you; Log, that's very useful advice; definitely food for thought.

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