I'm choking with sadness.
My depression has swept over me this afternoon like a cold, foggy, autumn night..........I say "my depression" because somehow, it's unique to me - it's taken over my mind in a way nothing else could ever do.
I know you all suffer from it . . . but my depression's unique to me as yours is unique to you.
Now it's strangling me………….I feel as if I'm swallowing a golf ball.
I'm in the company of two of my best friends - and yet feel possibly the most isolated I have ever felt.
My other half - the one I wrote about in my last blog - has been bastardly to me this weekend.
He's done nothing to suppress my incline that he's been with someone else. I'm not a jealous or possessive person but his silence is deafening . . & when we speak he's nonchalant to say the least.
I know I need to get rid but right now I don't feel I can cope.
There is a part of me that once again has that all too familiar intrinsically fatalistic feeling……….y'know the one I mean . . . . .that feeling that says "I don't want to be here anymore" to be honest.
What the **** would it matter whether I was or wasn't. Every one's living their own, vibrant successful lives…….I am not.
My life is entirely void of vibrancy or success ………and this feeling of uselessness is overwhelming.
I have resolved to began taking my citalopram again.
I've been off it for 3 months now - my OH says I've been really strong and shouldn't take it again but I see no other way.
He's shown he has little interest in my well-being and if I don't, I risk straying to the point of no return…..and while I sit here, inconsolable, thinking that'd be a good idea right now, there's a little voice, deep inside me pulling me back.