Should I see a couselor?

Hello, I’ve been debating if I should see a counselor for about three years now. However, I’ve always brushed it off that I’m just this kind of person, it’s not a big deal, I’m being dramatic, it can’t be helped. Besides, I never know how to explain myself.

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always been so shy that it’s rare. I’ve never had many friends(which may be partly due to the fact that english is not my first language) but I never noticed or bothered by it because I was little.

But it dawned on me when I was about 10. No one seems to genuinley like me. I was best friends with a popular girl in elementary school - everyone wanted to be friends with her, so they kind of disliked me because they wanted to get closer to her and not me, who was already her best friend. I’m a bad conversationalist and kind of weird, people looked at me weird sometimes, for so long it has been happening, but I could never understand why.

It started to go downhill when I entered middle school. My best friend and I parted; she had suddenly started acting like a stranger to me, and we were so different in terms of interests and personality that we couldn’t be the friends we used to be. I now doubt that she ever even liked me at all. I was so shy and socially awkward as usual, and I didn’t know how to talk to people; what to say, who to talk to. It’s like I wanted friends but I was uninterested in social interaction.

I was saddened to realize that I was nothing but “the quiet and weird girl who had few friends”. It feels like there’s a cage around me. People can laugh and talk with me, but they never got close to me- or maybe I wouldn’t let them- and soon, they would forget about me. When people started to like me or show interest in me, I would only feel afraid and dreadful about them being disappointed in how truly uninteresting and unable to maintain a friendship and losing interest in me.

I’m angry at myself because I’m making myself miss out on having fun in life, because that can only be achieved through having true friends I love, I suppose. But it also feels like this is my fault and I should just get over my fears.

I currently have no friends who I can be myself, or truly feel safe around.

Sorry for going on for so long. Should I see a counselor? Or is this just who I am?

[Hidden]

Hello, I think seeing a counselor would help. There is probably nothing wrong with you but it helps to have a professional to talk to. I’m not easy to get to know and I don’t make friends easily but the friends I have are really good friends. I know I can be guarded. I find it helpful to talk to someone to help me figure out things about myself and what I should change or want to change or what I like about myself or what I don’t or what people may like about me or not like about me but that don’t matter. You can talk on here to people. And make friends. I’ve been able to make friends on these site even if just pen pals and it’s nice because they understand me.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thank you