I'm new here and I'm looking for an explanation for my sadness and anxiety.
I honestly have no idea why I've been feeling so sad lately because I have no reason for it. I'm 19 years old, I have good grades, I'm in a great relationship and I have great friends. However, since the beginning of school holidays I've been feeling lost. I spend all day at home looking at my phone or watching tv, and despite not doing anything I always feel tired and somehow sad. The only "negative" thing is that my parents have always been arguing a lot, and therefore I grew up with the constant fear that they might get a divorce, or that something bad happens. As I'm writing this I feel so ridiculous because I have no actual problems, but I can't get rid of this persistent sadness. I also sometimes have the feeling that something bad is about to happen, as if I didn't deserve this apparently "unproblematic" life and I deserve to experience something bad. Maybe I should add that I'm a very shy person and that it is very difficult for me to open up to someone. I don't like to talk about myself or about my problems because I always feel like I'm imposing myself and bothering everyone with my problems (like right now). That's why my closest friends and my boyfriend don't know anything about my sadness and the problems within my family.
Maybe it's important to say that nobody notices that I'm feeling sad and lost, because when I'm surrounded by people I feel good and all those bad emotions disappear for a moment. However, as soon as I'm at home alone thinking about life I get anxious and sad, and I start to feel that something is wrong. I also always try to convince myself that I'm an extremely privileged person, and that billions of people have it worse than me. Maybe my anxiety comes from feeling guilty about my life all the time, but I can't help it.
I don't know... I'm so confused about my emotions because I can pass from feeling like shit to joking with my mom within minutes.
Maybe I just have to wait for the holidays to pass, and maybe once I get into my routine (going to school and not being lazy all the time) everything gets better. But even if it does get better, there will be other school holidays and it will start all over again.
I'm so sorry for waisting your time reading this, and at the same time thank you for being on this website caring for other people.