I feel like something is wrong with me,but ... - Above & Beyond

Above & Beyond

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I feel like something is wrong with me,but can't put my finger on it


Ok,so I'm new here.Discovered this website accidentaly,but made an account just to ask this.I avoid asking or talking about these things,especially with strangers but I feel like I am going crazy and just need reassurance that I am not or confirmation that I am,in fact,losing it.

So I am in high school.Ever since I was young (9-10 yrs) I would create my own universe where I would go to at night when I couldn't sleep.Over the years,this has been getting worse and I would go there during the day whenever I felt bored or sad.Now it's gotten to the point where I feel like my day to day life is being interrupted constantly by these fictional thoughts,which always seem to represent what I want my life to be like at that time.I can still differentiate reality from imagination,but I am afraid I won't be able to one day.

I should also mention that I have no friends.The only people I talk to are my family.That's because I have a hard time keeping a conversation with someone going and I often come off as awkward.I don't really trust anyone,really.I feel like everyone is out to get me,to harm me in any way.

There's also the fact that sometimes I feel like I am different(in the good way),like I can do great things and be a damn blessing to this world.But other times I feel really useless and that this life is just pointless.

I stress over every little thing and whenever I walk past a group of people (for example) and I hear them laughing or talking afterwards,I instantly assume that they are talking about me.And then feel mad at myself for thinking I'm of such importance that people would wanna talk about me.And I always feel like something is wrong.Like everything is falling apart,even though things aren't going exactly wrong right now in my life.It's like there's a grey cloud I can't seem to get rid of.

Sorry for the long question but I really wanted to ask this.And hopefully get some answers from someone that knows what might be wrong with me,because I can't take it anymore.Most of these things have been going on ever since I was a child but right now it's worse than ever.

1 Reply

Just signed up randomly, as I am at a difficult juncture in my life right now and thought what the hell, why not when found this site. But your comment caught my attention, as I have wondered something similar to myself at an earlier point in my life. I do the same thing, every night before bed. I create a world where my imagination is not tethered by the constraints of real life. For me, it was and is, an escape from the grind of my hollow lonely empty life. I too have always had anxiety. Always been called weird. Not understood. And always alone. Trusting of no one, not even blood family. The fantasy started as a safe place to go, to engage my mind, and find something, that made me feel... Not dead. Over the years it too began to encroach on daily life. I dropped the few ppl I had made a connection with. I dropped out of school, and spent all my time alone, in my mind. Absolved myself as forsaken, and unwanted. Betrayed by the world, and I didn't care. It had become my identity. Then I looked into Buddhism. Specifically their meditation practices. And my cozy little fictionary world was blown away. Like an airlock that was suddenly opened, and everything inside, buried came pouring out. Some of us, can see and sense the lunacy of the world around us, but we are so isolated and few and far between so we often stay where we are... Or "aren't"... Perhaps that's more apt. If you were as I was you know that your life isn't right. When we can't see, we tend to squint, when we can't hear we pause... When we can't feel... We seek things out that make us. Your mind is making you a lifeboat. But sometimes surviving isn't living. You aren't alone and you aren't crazy. It is the rest of the world that is, and their insanity is their norm. I found meditation gave me the breathe to ask questions I never had the strength to ask before. Why is my life so empty. What makes me feel alive? Why do I hide inside when I feel starved to explore? Why do I want without taking, why do I hope without believing... Meditation helped me but did not fix everything. As only action can right a consequence. You simply need to find your motivation, and know you aren't crazy. Or alone. In fact you are beautiful. All of us are, in one way or another. Find that beauty, grasp it's form, and allow it to take you where it takes you. I have turned my fantasy into something tangible and am writing g a book. May you too take from your suffering and find something that can change your world, and the world we all share.

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