I've come to the conclusion I'm an attention seeker.
The way I change myself to try and get attention. My small failed attempts at suicide. Even my largest near suicide I held myself back.
So as I decide that I have to analyse... why am I doing this?
Growing up, I was kinda left alone. I had friends. But family I was the intelligent one and just left to do things.
As depression started in my teens I was again left alone, no attention given, lavished on others. Just left to do things in my 'cave'. Then I just removed myself from society.
On and on this cycle.
And now. As I ask for help from the professionals. The only way it seems possible to actually get any help that works, is to actually physically attempt suicide. There's the inherent risk that it will come off, but as I type those words it makes me sound like the attention seeker. There have been times I didn't care. I was in a state of "so what? I die, I die, I don't maybe they'll listen"... but it was brief.
There will come a time I won't care for long enough and I'll override the wanting-attention for wanting-out, and just walk in front of a bus. I'm going to make sure that any will I write blames the NHS for any suicide attempt.
But here I am writing this, attempting to seek attention again. Because I have nowhere else to go. Maybe someone will listen.