Above & Beyond

Attention seeker?

I've come to the conclusion I'm an attention seeker.

The way I change myself to try and get attention. My small failed attempts at suicide. Even my largest near suicide I held myself back.

So as I decide that I have to analyse... why am I doing this?

Growing up, I was kinda left alone. I had friends. But family I was the intelligent one and just left to do things.

As depression started in my teens I was again left alone, no attention given, lavished on others. Just left to do things in my 'cave'. Then I just removed myself from society.

On and on this cycle.

And now. As I ask for help from the professionals. The only way it seems possible to actually get any help that works, is to actually physically attempt suicide. There's the inherent risk that it will come off, but as I type those words it makes me sound like the attention seeker. There have been times I didn't care. I was in a state of "so what? I die, I die, I don't maybe they'll listen"... but it was brief.

There will come a time I won't care for long enough and I'll override the wanting-attention for wanting-out, and just walk in front of a bus. I'm going to make sure that any will I write blames the NHS for any suicide attempt.

But here I am writing this, attempting to seek attention again. Because I have nowhere else to go. Maybe someone will listen.

1 Reply

How about we change that from 'Attention Seeker', to someone in trouble making a call out for help.

We have all been where you are and I am very, very sorry for how you feel, let me tell you that. Whether you believe in God or a higher power like the universe, this is not what is wanted for you. You are on this planet for exactly 5 minutes and you deserve to be happy and I believe happiness is what is wanted for you by those higher powers.

One other thing about suicide, I like you sometimes get the urge to chuck myself of a bridge etc, but I have hard wired this and I would ask you to consider the same (so reminding yourself of this often). Whilst you are alive you can change things for the better, there is hope to change as no one knows the future. Once your dead, your dead and its over, so why not take the chance of remaining alive and that you can move forward with baby steps.

Things in the digital age move so fast we often forget that in our own day to day lives things often move slowly in maybe 5 or 10 year cycles, so you can slow down, take baby steps and try not to get overwhelmed.

One last thing and then I will shut up, just because things , patterns have emerged in the past it doesn't have to be your future. Some smart arse once said if you do the same things you can expect the same outcome. It's true but not always helpful. What I would say if slowly gently you can change some of your patterns of habit, be that by what you tell yourself about yourself or merely going for a walk once a day you can change your life.

I think the key is to find you passion, there is something in this life you have always loved....be it an artistic talent, music, dancing, to something more specialised like a love of stamp collecting or spotting birds. Get out of the head space of achieving anything and just for a few days ...go on holiday mentally and do what you love, explore, investigate, indulge. Find someones work you love and see how they did it, what inspired them.

Lecture over....oh I do go on dont I...lol.

You are doing okay Meg just be kind to yourself and rest often, relax and waste whole hours, days until you remember what it is to be the real 'happy' glorious you even if it is just for moments. There is NO ONE on the planet like you, that makes you priceless and unique.

The people here are wonderful and will give you great advice and support, thank you for sharing.


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