I dont know why I'm writing or what - help needed

Hi my names Cat, where to start and what to say, I'm sat here crying all because someone I never knew died and is on the news. Im 23 and my boyfriend died when I was just turned 17, unexplained circumstances, they dont know what happened except that he was electrocuted for no reason. It was my last week of exams at college and I think on and off since I've been a mess. I've moved on but still find myself hating my life, all thats become of it and find that im a very bitter person, with not a high tolerance of people, jealously has also become a friend that I hate but cant help but feel. I guess any thing can set me off with "going back to the old days" I also cant talk about it as I dont think i have a reason to feel soo much pain for something that happened soo long ago. And its not often, I can go years without really thinking anything but lately everything feels bleek and I feel stuck and a burden. I wont do anything necessarily, Ive dealt with a parent being depressed since they were a child and would never want anyone to have to deal with that, although my anger has gotten quite bad lately, always had a temper but even getting in the car to drive is an ordeal. I also think have a mild form of OCD, probably had it since i was a kid if i was diagnosed but it doesnt affect my life too much anymore. Apart from that I dont know what else to say. I guess if im writing this im looking for some guidance.

Sorry If I posted this in the wrong area.

Cat

[Megumu]

Hello Cat. I think a lot of people were hit by the recent death, yeah a comedian, an actor with a family, surely he could never have any serious problems. But when you live with problems and wear a mask, people won't see the torment inside.

You say you've moved on. From this post it sounds like you still have a lot of unresolved issues. Don't think you don't have a reason to feel this way, because you do feel this way still after all this time, maybe it's time to resolve the issue?

I'm over a decade older than you, suffering from depression for over two decades. I kinda ruined my life and I wouldn't wish my life on anyone, so please get help if you can. Talk to people, talk to friends, take small steps, even coming here and talking was a step in the right direction.

[loggerslot]

how did you deal with the passing away of your bf? seems like you had something quite special with him. the way i see it is that you're young and there's alot to learn in life and one important aspect is to acknowledge the past, learn from it and move on from it, never try to look back. as time goes by you will mature up by learning from the past and what you experience. have you spoken to a counsellor?

there's no need to hate your life and you shouldn't be jealous of others and try not to push people away because you will need them to help you move on.

if you see a counsellor and tell them everything that has happened they will help you to see things better and clearer and how to deal with these feelings. if you can afford to go private then you'd get a counsellor quickly but check with NHS what the waiting list is like.

[Hidden]

oh honey you have been through a traumatic experience for someone so young to have to deal with a sudden death of a boyfriend.

You most definitely need to talk that through with someone. Make an appointment with your gp. Depression can be a confusing thing and crying over someone you dont know is very common as its not them your crying about it your loss thats making you cry.

Be kind to yourself and make an appointment tomorrow you would see the doctor. You wouldnt go years with a physical pain yet you have gone yours with emotional pain....you need to talk it through with someone because i can tell you at the age of 49 i know if you dont start working on it it will change into something else which by the sound of things is already happening to you x