Do you think I'm depressed?

[HTIDAlex]

Hi. I'm Alex & I'm 15 years of age. I'll cut to the chase - I personally think I've been depressed for a good few months now. School is nearly all to blame. Basically, In year 9, I revised for a science exam for four weeks, and got very poor results when I got them back.(9/30,8/30&9/30 again) I got bad feelings and they carried on for months. I hate myself for various things, I have stolen large amounts of money off my family, I constantly call myself a failure and a failure to my family, I say to myself that I don't deserve to live or to be apart of a family. I have cut myself a few times but nothing big or too major. Some have scarred though. I don't enjoy living and I don't laugh or find myself ever happy. For an example, I was listening to a music set and one of my favourite tracks came on. So I tried to be as happy as I could, by thinking good things, and it only lasted 5 seconds.(Litterally) I have tried suicide 3 or 4 times but as you can tell, it has not worked. I don't enjoy things that I used to(Sport, certain family outings etc) I tend to have gotten more angry at things as I have grown up. My school grades are extremely poor and I'm only two days off finishing year 10, it's very stressful stuff thinking about going into year 11 and all the exams. (I got a G in my Maths mocks)

So guys, I'm up for anything really; what do you think of me?

-Alex

[Hidden]

Hi Alex

I'm sorry I didn't see your post before, I tend to use the other depression one and seldom come on this one.

I'm sorry you got poor results - do you know why, is it because you were stressed or didn't work hard enough or for some other reason? You say you have stolen from your family - I also did that as a teenager and it was a cry for help - I wonder whether that is true for you too? You do think very poorly of yourself and say you are self-harming at times, also you sound depressed. As you are only 15 you need to seek help so you can overcome the problem with help before it messes up your life as it needn't do that. If I were you I would consider firstly seeing whether there is a counsellor at your school - talking to that person if so will be your fastest source of support. You could see your GP who can refer you but because of your age you may have to see the CAMHs team and they are notorious for very long waiting lists for any kind of help - believe me I know as my husband tries to work with them all the time and finds youngsters are over 16 by the time they would be seen and then have to be re-referred to adult services! A better option if there isn't a counsellor is firstly Childline for online and phone support and then to see whether there are any specialist services locally for people of your age. I'm wondering whether you know what kinds of things have led to you feeling so unhappy about yourself? I have just noticed that you say you have attempted suicide! Does that mean you have been seen by someone from one of the statutory services? Or perhaps you simply tried and no one noticed? If you have been emotionally or physically or sexually abused then there are services that deal specifically with those issues, you could try googling mental health services for adolescents and your local town name, you may find there are voluntary organisations that can help you. It certainly sounds as though you need someone to talk to about how you are feeling, someone who is trained to help you not just to understand why you are so unhappy but also to help you express your feelings about that and then help you to learn better ways of coping than self harm or suicide.

Do write more here as the people who come on the website all have experience of having their own problems, you might also try the other depression one as well as more people seem to use it.

If you feel able to write more I would be happy to try to help you understand your problems.

Suexxx

[EBee]

Hi Alex

Have you thought about the fact that you maybe suffering from severe exam stress (the trigger for the depression)? From experience, I have had severe exam stress which has as well had an affect on my results in the past. Looking back I should have told someone how I felt about exams then they may have been able to do something for me. I still hate exams to this day, but I have realised that I'm just not an exam person and that doesn't reflect badly on me, but societies norms.

I think you do need support. The anger is there, because depression is anger turned inwards - so look to find your self worth elsewhere - school and exams don't validate you as a person. I hope that you go to get the help you need. Speak to your family (those who you trust).