Boyfriend support or not...

[LNA1422]

I have reached a super low point today 😞 My emotions are all over the place and my eating habits are suffering for it too.

So I have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years and I used to think he was supportive until last night.

He said that if I put on weight he will lose respect for me and that my eating habits are making me unattractive and that he doesn't want to be with me if I am gonna end up being "like 19 stone or looking like one of my friends who is a bigger lady." His words!! This has completely crushed me as I thought he loved me for me not my looks! I tried to explain that what he said is really hurtful but he thinks I'm being silly.

*crying while typing*

So now I'm trying sort out my eating and stuff but I feel that rather then doing it for me I am doing it to keep him happy. And I am losing my will power and I am so hurt and upset.

So sorry for ranting on bet this isn't the normal kind of post but it's the only place I can freely say how I feel.

[Hidden]

Hi NannyLaura - this sounds like a real low - and your response sounds rational, if emotional. But it may not be as bad as it seemed while emotions were running high last night. Try to bring the subject up again, maybe over the next few days when things have calmed down, and really talk about how you feel about your weight and why you want to make the change for yourself. It's always good to try to avoid accusing people of doing wrong before you've really made sure they've understood how their words/actions made you feel - he may have no idea how raw the nerve was that he touched with his words. Or he may already be regretting what he said, and a calm rational conversation would give him a much-needed opportunity to take those words back and replace them with the sentiments that he really feels. Try to keep focused on making changes for yourself in the meantime - small manageable changes - and build in small manageable goals that you can celebrate as and when you reach them. Lots of cheering up happy vibes and good luck

[TheHud]

Hi Laura

you don't say what your weight is. Do you want to lose weight or was this a total shock that never even entered your head. You are hurt and that is awful and I am sure you need to talk about this with him. If you struggle to speak your hurt, write him a letter or an email. Make sure you mention your confusion and hurt. There is a good chance he has not got a clue what he has done because many/most men have a chip missing it's called empathy.

Sometimes those we love, and love us, say the wrong things for the right reasons and it may be more about him worrying about your health.

If you come on here and say you are barely out of normal range and healthy, I think you should still send him an email but this time just call him a Shallow St.t and we need to talk, now! Get angry I find it always helps Play the man game, do the awkward silence that they are so good at and just wait for him to stumble into an excuse. But remember, he probably won't even remember saying it, or that is what they usually say. I still have not decided if they do remember or they pretend they don't, it's a universal man thing and I have still not figured it out lol

Chin up, you will get through this and if you want to actually lose weight you have to do it for you. Unless you decide you are too good for him and you want to lose weight to buy new clothes and start going out with friends and enjoying a bit of 'me time'

[LNA1422 in reply to TheHud]

Hey I weigh 14st so I do need to lose. it was more the way he said it. So careless. He knows I'm conscious of my looks and then hearing that someone I love will lose respect for me and will no longer want to be with me if I put on weight that hurts.

[kantara71]

Ouch! That sounds bad but it must have been something that your boyfriend has been thinking of for sometime now? You did not mention what your weight is now nor how you were when you met him. Maybe he has mentioned it before but not quite so brutally and he can see your weight increasing over the months.

Of course, any changes you make in your life have to be because you want to make them. How do you feel about your weight and your current eating habits? Are you happy with how you are now?

I agree that you should sit down and calmly discuss with your boyfriend what he said and why he said it and decide what you want to do from there onwards. If you decide you want to change then it sounds like your boyfriend would be very supportive.

Good luck in whatever you decide is best for yourself Laura John

[LNA1422 in reply to kantara71]

When I met him I was about 12 stone so I have gained 2 stone or so in 5 years but i tend to eat badly when I'm stressed or upset and he knows that. He was just being so thoughtless. He has put on weight since we got together too and I would never think of saying something that would upset him. I'm not with him for his looks I'm with him for his personality and how well we get on most of the time.

[SaladDodger in reply to LNA1422]

You've hit the nail on the head - it was 'thoughtless'! He likely didn't really consider what he was saying. Inline with Ruth's advice above, difficult as it is, try to take the emotion out of the situation and reflect back on why he might have said it, what stresses he perhaps is under - I can't imagine for one second that just 2 stone over 5 years would really matter.

When things have calmed down, just tell him how it may you feel. Phrase all the statement in terms of "I..." and NEVER use the word "You..."; it will help keep the emotion out of the conversation.

[kantara71 in reply to LNA1422]

Oh pot, kettle, black comes to mind here I agree with Anna's suggestion to suggest to him a joint effort to get slimmer. Good luck and keep the discussion "nice"

[IndigoBlue61]

Without sounding sexist men are sometimes very blunt and are not always good at reading situations 😕

- I agree with the other posts, you need to perhaps sit him down and tell him how his words hurt you, he could well be wracked with guilt and has no idea how to fix it 😕

THEN suggest a joint effort to get fit/healthy/slimmer. Tell him EXACTLY what you want from him. My OH is a lovely kind supportive man but HOPELESS at communication!!! Lol 😂😂😂. I have learned over 26 years to be very specific in what I ask of him 😊

Good luck 😊