Honesty hour - my addiction to food.

[graceobel]

I thought I'd write a post because today I'm really struggling not to binge.

I gave in over the weekend and binged on 2 large Dairy Milk bars, 1 enormous galaxy bar, a bag of tangfastics and a whole tube of pringles. It made me emotional, full, sick but it still filled a whole.

I've been struggling all day and I wanted to write a post describing how I feel today - and today is a good day.

My whole body aches - I have a headache. My limbs feel heavy. As soon as I think of going to buy binge food, my heart rate increases. My whole body feels empty, needing the comfort that is provided by chocolate or crisps or cake or sandwiches or fizzy drinks.

I constantly think of the possibilities of what I could eat if I went - it's exhilarating, exciting. Just the thought is great, but the real thing is even better.

I drink water, I turn my attention to something else - but it is always there in the back of my mind.

I have to keep moving my car keys and then make sure that they are covered to try and resist temptation.

I get so caught up fighting myself and my addiction, I can't cope. I can't face making a reasonable meal because I literally can't think about anything but bingeing. scrambled egg, or soup just feel impossible.

Today, I even know that we're having fish and chips for tea... a rare treat in this household (once every 6 months we might get a takeaway) - but I'm so greedy I want more.

I haven't been able to do the washing up, laundry or any other chores because all my efforts have to go into not getting in my car to go buy binge foods. Constantly fighting with myself.

I also know that I'll want to binge the moment I wake up and so it affects the whole day. I wake up craving chocolate, craving sugar and salt. It hits me leaving a pit in my stomach for the rest of the day. It means that I can't leave the house - I will buy crap if I leave. It means I won't shower, won't get dressed or do anything with my appearance to make it that little bit harder to leave the house quickly if I have a slight moment of weakness.

The cravings mean I might even steal chocolate or treats from my parents - all meant for presents to other people.

I feel weak.

I feel defeated even though I've won today.

I'm exhausted.

But I won.

[babygirl13]

Hello hunni. I really feel for you as I to am very similar. I to binge at times and really struggle with food. I even had to put my partners packnup stuff in a different cupboard because every time I went in the big on to get the stuff for tea out I would snack on his things ,(choc bars, waffers crisps ect) so putting and by the time I had cooked tea I would feel sick as a pig. Mentally as well as physically.. I have suffered with bullimia in the past and a couple of months ago it started creaping back in, I would binge then the bad feelings then the disgust and then!!! It really isn't the answer and I know its bad for me but sometimes I just couldn't help it.. I am getting better with it but it is so so hard. I to struggleb on a daily basis. Thing is I don't want to make myself ill so I start to starve myself,, I can't seem to get a happy medium. I am glad you have had a good day and hope tomorrow can bring you the same.. Xx

[fibronfedup]

You are not weak! Just writing this post and admitting to have an issue shows that you are stronger than you think. An addiction is difficult to overcome regardless of what that addiction is for. If it is getting you down then maybe you should talk to someone that can help you. I had issues with low self esteem and anxiety and i went to talking therapies and they really helped me, at first i was terrified due to the taboo of "therapy" but i would recommend it. Changed my life!!

I binge and overcoming it has and is difficult, thankfully i have learnt to distract myself or learn to eat sweet things in moderation. Although i still have bad days where i then need to retrain myself but everyday is a step forward. Have you tried finding alternative snacks like nuts and dried fruit?

If writing on here helps then keep writing hun, were all here for you.

[K1972 in reply to fibronfedup]

I utterly concur with everything fibronfedup has written here. You are brave and strong and open and honest by writing out the battle within.

Keep writing. Writing out your emotions helps greatly.

Also, knowing you are not alone. I have had nights where I have woken up with sweats, palpitations and boiling acid in my tummy because I have eaten so much crap.

It is the memory of this discomfort that I focus on, about this time of evening, where I would historically be having a glass of wine and then mooching about in the cupboards, eating my daughters packed lunch stuff... Say six packets of wotsits for starters... because hey, once started, why stop?

It is a vicious, lonely place to be. So you are brave to step out of that isolation and share how you are feeling.

Well done for being brave xxx

[Ros1]

Hi Gracobel, hugs to you.

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time at the moment but well done for sharing your feeling with your friends and supporters here.

If you feel able, I have like others found that a health counsellor can be a help to get you to think through the reasons for why we struggle so much to control our eating. It can take a while to see much progress but if you can find the help it is worth the effort.

Lots of us will be here for you if you need us. xx

[eeek1110]

Oh Grace! You do have a very strong addiction and I think the first thing you must do is cut out the sugary treats. I found those are the ones that controlled me. Stop thinking about what you would like to eat and focus on the way you want to be. I keep telling myself that I am addicted to sugar and have a glass pot of it to look at when I want sweets. That's really what we are putting in our system. A lump of lard might be a visual aid to put you off chocolate.

Make your goals personal to you... my first one was to get off the 5lbs I put on over Christmas as I would be able to wear my jeans without having to undo the button half way through the day. I've made little goals for me to focus on and it is helping.

When you have the need to binge get out of the house without taking any money at all with you. Please keep in touch and let your feeling out to us. x

[fiftyshadesofJ]

I feel your pain. I too have these feelings of being out of control and no amount of distraction can get that worm out of my head. This week I bought two Terry' chocolate oranges, one for my dad for father's day and one for myself because I knew I would want dad's. Of course I ate them both. I am like a cat left alone in a room with a canary. This is addiction as real as smoking, heroin, alcohol or gambling. The difference is you can quit all these totally, you can't do this with food. Imagine trying to quit smoking but having to have two cigs a day to survive? or an alcoholic with a bottle of whisky having to consume two measures a day , nobody would think that was reasonable or possible, but we are expected to control our addiction.

Well done for your victory today

[Popgoes]

There is a lot of sound advice here and if it helps you Grace keep on posting. There are some lovely people here who are wonderfully supportive. Come back any time.

Don't do this alone though. You have made a brave attempt revealing your addiction here, but you must take another step and talk to an expert. Talk to your Gp and ask to see a councillor, but seek the help you need.

Take care of yourself

💙💚💛💜❤️