I can’t live with permanent tinnitus and the regret

[Kiitty]

what's the title for this? I am guilty of constantly using cotton buds and bobby pins to scratch my ears, which caused an ear infection that led to permanent tinnitus. Now I hear this ringing all the time. I just want to hear silence, and I am sad that I can’t hear silence anymore. I also have anxiety whenever I think about my life when I could hear silence. I received warnings multiple times, but I didn’t take them seriously. I hate myself for this, and I can’t stop thinking about my past when I could hear silence and how peaceful life was. Everything I do constantly reminds me of my past. For example, rewatching a show (I think about how I watched this show when I could hear silence) or going to certain places (I think about the time I could hear silence when I was at that place). I just can’t get rid of the fact that I have to live with tinnitus forever for a mistake that could have been prevented. I literally read a post a month before my tinnitus about how using cotton buds caused someone to have permanent tinnitus, and I didn’t take that seriously and still used cotton buds, which then a month later caused me tinnitus. The tinnitus started when I was aggressively scratching my ears with bobby pins. I can’t seem to enjoy my daily life and do things that I loved before without constant reminders.

[daverussell]

The guaranteed responses to your post are "Don't be hard on yourself" and "We've all done things we regret".

Apologies in advance for the philosophical view...

Regret is part of human nature, so how you are feeling is natural; It's part of the learning process and the same reason we experience pain and fear. It's suppose to stop us doing it again and risk our lives - tinnitus isn't life threatening (at least not directly). On the other hand, without taking risks we'd not learn and discover new things.

Equally you could be angry and blame other factors (e.g. NHS for damaging your eardrums during an operation). But even seeking compensation wouldn't solve the problem and probably create more stress.

I've learnt a hard lesson this last few weeks - stress and worry can have a longer term impact. I thought I tried everything and faced up to my Tinnitus and noise sensitivity. However, out of stubbornness and not wanting to feel like I'd "failed" I continued to work in a stressful and sometimes noisy environment that spiked my tinnitus and caused insomnia. That's my bobby pin, if you like. Though probably not the best analogy. Maybe I should have worn ear protection at those gigs or turned the volume down on my headphones.

So, we have to move on. We all do things we regret, and maybe feel stupid, but don't be hard on yourself. There are a whole range of emotions you've probably encountered and/or will continue to encounter. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. It's part of who we are, the learning process and what makes us unique, and ultimately a stronger person.

[TinnitusUKPat Partner]

Hi Kitty

I very much agree with what Dave has posted previously - regret is a part of our psychological make-up and it's normal to have some thoughts about things we think we did in the past which have led to developments occurring in our present.

Where looking backwards isn't helpful is when we focus on our actions and wish that we could undo them. Unless you have access to a handy time machine disguised as a Police phone box or DeLorean car, our past actions are not something we can change.

You're regretting using cotton buds and bobby pins as you feel you damaged your ears and this is why you have problematic tinnitus - what if your tinnitus has nothing to do with that and it's just a coincidence that you used buds and pins in the way that you describe?

Could it have contributed? Maybe. But it's done and ruminating on what we wish we had done keeps us locked in the past, without any ability to change that situation in any way.

Try not to think regretfully about decisions you took in the past - the likelihood is that you had no conscious awareness that they would result in a negative outcome for you. You didn't do any of this deliberately.

Think instead about what you're going to do to manage your tinnitus and to not allow it to disrupt or impact your life. You have the tools to allow you to change the way that you think about tinnitus - some of them are built-into our auditory system and allow us to pay attention to sounds or ignore them. Some tools you can acquire, through experience or even by working with a counsellor.

Again, what Dave said in his post - "So, we have to move on. We all do things we regret, and maybe feel stupid, but don't be hard on yourself. There are a whole range of emotions you've probably encountered and/or il continue to encounter. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. It's part of who we are, the learning process and what makes us unique, and ultimately a stronger person."

[Happyrosie]

oh Kitty! What Dave and Pat have said is so, so true. It’s done.

In your life you will do other things that turn out, in the end, to have been wrong. Every action you take is teaching you something. Once you’ve gone a way into your recovery - and you will - you can look,back and think “well I now know something new” and it will help in your future life.

[Ray200]

Good day to you Kiitty

Regret is one side of the coin. Hope is the other. Though no cure for T at the moment, medical science is coming on in leaps and bounds and it's turn must come. Meanwhile, if you click on my username you'll find a few posts on Ginkgo. My T is mild compared to many here and twice a week I get relief from T for a few hours that day.

Unfortunately its not 3 tablets a day every day. That's Western medicine. I feel sure that the compounds in Ginkgo will eventually play a part in a cure, but currently it is only available in compressed leaf tablet form. Not suitable for people on blood thinners, I'm told.

[Bigjimz]

Worth remembering though, you can hear. You can still hear a tv show, you can still hear the birds sing. There are multiple posts on here that help you 'live' with this thing. God speed.

[hemmaman]

Hello Kitty!

First of all - really sorry to hear what you're going through!

You've had some excellent responses already from people with experience of what you're describing. What Dave said about regret and blame really sums it up - great post!

Now it's about moving on, finding a direction you can put your trust/hope in. Most people who develop bothersome tinnitus keep on fearing tinnitus as a lifelong tormentor. This is a completely normal reaction, but not necessarily true.

Your tinnitus may stay for a long time, but your perception of it will change. It's often difficult to put your trust in that initially - I know I couldn't - I was just desperate to get rid of it! But despite resisting, habituation appeared, and I've lead a normal life ever since - even enjoying silence. My brain simply discards my tinnitus as something irrelevant and puts it in the background. I know many people with similar experiences - the brain has an amazing capacity to filter out indifferent or unwanted stimuli.

Secondly, I believe your generation will witness significant progress in the search for cures, there is a lot of research going on worldwide - there will surely be methods to reduce the discomfort before too long.

So in short: It's tough now, but I think you'll be fine!

[please_stop]

oh Kitty,

It’s shit isn’t it.

Tinnitus is an unwelcome guest, a royal pain in the arse that can go and do one.

Mourning the old normal is inevitable.

Whilst you are lobbing ‘what if’ guilt grenades at yourself, remember these thoughts are baseless. The boffins don’t know, yet, for certain what causes it so there’s no point jumping to your own conclusions about what you may have done to kick it off. You can’t change what’s been done. If you do work out the cause then tell us

Having had permanent ringing for years I can say with confidence you will consciously and unconsciously develop coping strategies and enjoy life just as you did before. One day you’ll sit in silence and be fine.

Accepting tinnitus is absolute, this is the most healthy emotional decision you can take. You can then work on changing your perception of tinnitus. Get it on your friends list, it’s difficult but it helps. We feel positive emotions being in the company of friends even if they do annoy us from time to time. Talk to it, argue with it, sink into it. Music is a great tinnitus distraction, whack up the happy tracks, have a dance and sing along. Fall asleep to relaxing tracks. Patiently manipulate your tinnitus emotions with continual positive reinforcement, bang on to yourself about doing this, be your own pain in the arse about it. Don’t waste a calorie getting down about it.

The start of tinnitus is horrible. 100% you will get through this stage. They say time is a healer, nothing truer can be said about having tinnitus. Your smile will return.

[Kellythecat-74]

Yes I totally understand ,20 years ago had a blocked ear after flying . Doctor told me to do steaming but not how long for and didn’t advise going back if I still had it after 10 days( I blamed him for that ). Then blamed myself for doing it for an hour out of desperation before bedtime and in the morning had a hour of screeching parrots in my head , that caused the tinnitus, took years but eventually didn’t hear it any more . How lucky I was ! Last year my doctor prescribed Atorvastatin and I woke up after day 5 of the tablets and thought what the hell is that noise !! I blamed him and then myself for not reading the adverse conditions. If only I could turn back the clock. We are human and life is full of the mistakes that we ALL make . Its not a "fault " its just the way life is. Please be good to yourself .

[rabbits65]

like you I made the mistake of using cotton buds in my ears and I’m sure that’s how my tinnitus started, Disturbs all the balance in the ears too. I am a lot better now as I am more sensible not to use cotton buds anymore. Hope your alright.