It's not at all cold this morning dear - and other winter inspired nonsense

[MaryF]

I have developed hypothyroid cabin fever, this has been further enhanced by my husband's usual antics and our Mr and Mrs squabbling, which luckily can normally be immediately eclipsed by hot coffee and industrial strength bear hugs.

Yesterday I awoke with that awareness that two alarm clocks had been squawking for a very long time, one actually sounding quite hoarse In my semi hibernated state, he wrenched the curtains open and publicly announced that it was not cold. - I spy with my little eye, recent snow spatterings and a dense hoar frost and a succession of people being towed by dogs up the street, all wearing suspiciously huge amounts of puffed up winter clothing. I will say at this point, that it is really not unusual for my husband to decide it is hot when the sun is out on a frosty morning, rush outside wearing scanty jumpers, only to return at a later time when sufficiently chilled, and progress to sitting grim faced in his office sporting a suspect hat and needing the assistance of a high powered fan heater to bring himself round again. I have to remain vigilant during times like this, and have been known to gaffer tape the thermostat with several layers of tape to stop him tweaking it downwards..

We do try and not have the heating on much, and I do light fires, but currently our soggy woodpile has been causing mayhem. His elaborate ideas to use ancient tarpaulins to rig up a special sagging cover, to help keep things dry, and block out all the light from outside my sitting room,, have stalled. It's very position is where the most wind displacement occurs outside our abode - during windy or gale force times - is cause for some impending sense of doom. Recent quote from one child chronically off school - mum I just saw that hideous slimy groundsheet that you hate, which makes the bell tent wet, when we go camping with dad, flying at the same height as our house and going over the hedge!

The old wood shelter was a fine size and most workable and next to my emergency coal bunker - it's only fault was to have had a roof with about as much strength as nailed together rivita biscuits. A new one a bit stronger with nice green tarpaulin on top would be just the ticket. However currently I have to negotiate an unstable log pile with half a cover draped over them, which collectively behaves like an avalanche when I try and extract anything useful to burn. I have been doing lots of cursing and slithering about out there wearing unsuitable flip flops.

This past week or so have been a recipe for teeth clenching... in fact the last few weeks... trying to get out and do anything is near on impossible as either my conditions are flaring or one or both of the children are ill, they are easy going kids, but at times very poorly, so I do currently, have a touch of the cabin fever - yesterday was attempt number 14 to go Christmas Shopping, this did not happen so another on line attempt which will trigger more fuss with parcels going off to houses with similar names etc.

Yesterday I reached a pinnacle of almost Mount Vesuvius styled irritations. I have spent two days up ending furniture I should not be lifting - trying to find my daughters escaped dental retainer, due to her braces having finally come off - to no avail, it has vanished.

My good natured man will take her back and buy another one. His contribution to my epic fuss so far has been to lament about his own lost denture fang, which will I know turn up in my friends dithers sofa bed when she next has an unsuspecting guest to stay.

I then wrapped myself up to take a break outside in my frosty garden - and was greeted by the most stupid of our hens huddled under a table, without a single brain cell engaged in how to return home to her pen, with her more intelligent sisters. The resulting chase brought on some foul language which i believe was overheard by somebody walking past, who I have successfully discouraged from visiting for the last 11 years. Miss Nuggets finally managed to get her head stuck the wrong side of the fence in an over excited state. I had lured her there with some very appealing carbonized toast frisbees - which had been the final straw that had pushed me outside to remove cabin fever. The electrics in the house have tripped continually for three days... this has caused mayhem with a younger person having specially been half way through complicated programmes on computers, and myself having to mountaineer the desk in my husband's office, slither around on papers and reach for the trip switch. However the culprit was located yesterday - a monstrously hideous toaster which I wanted to flatten with a rolling pin the first time I clapped eyes on it - an awful item from a certain German supermarket - the worse the item purchased - the more excited he is! To find that this ugly item is the cause of our electrical fuss has filled me with festive joy - I can't wait to hurl it out of the back door.

My friend dithers has been ringing me to cheer us up with tales of her dithering chaos at home and in work. The last epic phone call set me off for hours and I believe there will be several more installments. Having organized a definite recipe for festive fuss in the community her best laid plans started to unravel at rather an alarming.rate.

A date for her organization, with a local OAP home arrived. First it was time to chase the man with the music system, who appeared to be having a duvet day and certainly not honouring his diary appointment with dithers. After much scrabbling around in her, office a lady on the floor below announced that she had a CD of Christmas carols, and that they would be fine. So with renewed and confident vigor off she went. Problem number two arrived in the form of no booked volunteers arriving to do the actual singing. This was immediately solved by press ganging all staff in the home into a makeshift choir. CD on, however it turned out to be a speeded up version of carols with some rapping over the top, which nobody could sing along to. Time for back to basics - singing from first principles - all very well, but as dithers explained she kept starting the carols too high causing screeching in the top registers and in the main a total lack of singing. Hopefully I will hear more tomorrow.

I am off to try LDN next week, so some flying fuss for me. I am also hoping that I may make a short trip out to do Father Christmas type activities. My last trip was quite some time ago. I ended up sprawled on a chair and having to be rescued by staff having had a sudden cold come on. It has not been a particularly successful outing. As I sat in rather a nice high back display armchair in full unstoppable violent sneeze mode - awaiting being rescued by my man....I started to think about certain characters from Father Ted 'DRINK DRINK' etc

I had realized on the outward bus that I should have been in bed, and to make things more excruciating I had encountered a serial know it all, I do look visibly awful at times.... and as I sat texting with a mountain of fruit on my lap...which I was motoring through, the know it all started up... along these lines.... have you thought of changing your diet and doing exercise, this I might add being delivered by a person who seemed to require more seats than myself. Each pearl of wisdom was delivered in fetid gale force gusts over yellowed tomb stone teeth. I managed to shut her up by offering to buy her a cup of tea in town, I have no energy left to be irritated by ignorant locals, the electric fence keeps them out anyway. The person in question lonely rather than mean of spirit and very elderly. My last sighting of her was in sideways profile wedging a slice of victoria sponge cake in almost whole with a mug of very strong tea containing 4 sugars which I had stirred in at her request.

I am still gluten free with no cheating, been weeks now, however my conditions are all a bit wretched currently, all hospital visits of late have confirmed this. LDN may now work, but there again it may not, but I am still excited about it. As I fly up north from down south, I promise not to flush anything mid flight!

Mary F

ps I am really having to scrape the barrel today music wise to make myself do my physio... worse is better etc: youtube.com/watch?v=n_MiRWo...(Not working as expected?)

[TanyaL]

Another great blog Am sure winter plays havoc with flare-ups. Hope you have success with your trip up North and look forward to hearing all about it xx

[MaryF in reply to TanyaL]

Thanks, I am rather looking forward to it! Although I do tend to cause mayhem at airports! Mary F x

[Hidden]

Good luck up North, hope you have your thermals to hand. Love to read your blogs especially on cold and frosty mornings like these. Your man sounds like mine. My hubby wears tshirts all year long and is constantly turning the heating down, whilst I sit wrapped in my snuggle. He says it's not healthy to be too warm, and he grew up without central heating. I too grew up with ice on the inside of the bedroom window, now I want warmth. Just because I have had two colds and he has escaped them both, he thinks knows it all. Men don't we just love em x

[MaryF in reply to Hidden]

Cheers. Mary F x

[nightingale-56]

You've excelled yourself once again Mary. When lights 'go' in my house we use the mop handle to push thetrip switch up again as it always fuses the lights on that circuit. My son-inlaw, an electrician, said it is a safety feature. Must have been a man who thought that one up! The fuse-box is in the farthest corner of the utiliity room (my work room with sewing machine and computer in it), six foot square and not much room for me to sit. Hope you have a lovely Christmas. Janet.

[MaryF in reply to nightingale-56]

Thanks. Mary X

[julietta]

This was so hilarious - the heating situation is much the same in our house - the Battle of the Thermostat. I so look forward to your blog (bit of a sad word for your amazing writing). My other half ( who is a published author) was green with envy, once he'd stopped laughing!!

Do hope the trip north goes well and I'll keep fingers crossed for good results with the LDN.

[MaryF in reply to julietta]

Cheers, I am sure there will be more and even worse! MF x

[Silver_Fairy]

Good luck

.And thank you Mary, I woke up really fed up, but this made me smile and has cheered me considerably.

[MaryF in reply to Silver_Fairy]

Good, more soon, X

[debjs]

Thank you so much! After a miserable few days including yet another trip to A&E this has really made me smile!

[MaryF in reply to debjs]

goody. Mary F x

[hymermad]

Thank you yet again for making us laugh so much. Had the same avalanche problem with our wood pile but cannot blame my other half as I was the one who constructed it! Having lived in rural Scotland for 11 years have had some fun times with sheep and geese, the latter being amazing guard dogs. I think sheep have similar size brains to chickens and are wonderfully thick!

Hope the LDN works for you. Fingers crossed. Look forward to your next blog. x

[MaryF in reply to hymermad]

Well I just had an urge to attack the postman's ankles, I think I may have a touch of the guard dog's myself. M x