My mum lives in a new, purpose built little home in my garden. She is supposed to be fully independent but from the day she moved in she sat down and waited for me to do an awful lot of things she should do for herself.
The job I hate the most is showering her. She showered herself before she came here, but because I dared to install a much more modern, bigger shower and because the orientation of the controls and grip bars is different, she can't do it here (so she says). I have been putting it off for the past 2 hours. I have to get on with it. I don't like doing it. I have to shower her so I get wet. I have to dry her like a baby and then I have to set her darn hair on rollers! And this week I feel sure she's going to say her toe nails need doing.
Meanwhile I'm hypo, not adequately medicated by the feel of it although I'm on Armour now, and I'm about as tired as it's possible to be and still moving. I keep telling her I'm too tired to do things but it goes in one ear and out the other because it doesn't suit her agenda. It's not fair.
On top of that I still have her house to finish clearing and get ready for sale and it's in a poor state and 50 miles round trip away. I spent 2 days there last week and will spend one there this coming week. The steep stairs kill me. Getting stuff down on my own. I have thrown an awful lot of stuff straight down and climbed over it at the bottom. I can't even park outside as it's a main road and red route. I have a ailing business because Brexit killed my EU exports and my lack of time is not allowing me to reinvent it.
It seems to me that there is no handbook for getting older. No one warns you what it's going to be like. If I'd known I'd have emigrated years ago!
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FancyPants54
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We live in the sticks, middle of nowhere. She doesn't need support. She needs to get on with it! She's lazy now. I can understand it, she has a lot of arthritis (both sorts) and that means pain. But it's become full-on fast. She can't manage her bread maker on the work top, it's too high, so I have to set up on a card table for her. She can't reach to use her slow cooker, that needs a step setting up. She can't operate the sky lights so I have to open and close them and woe betide it rains and I forget. She can't open and close the windows because they are too heavy. At least she can open the door.
The list of "can't" is long. Get clothes off and on hangars so I have to pick up. She wasn't using the washing machine until last week I put my foot down and told her to get on with it. I have to get her electric dryer out and set up and put away. I just feel like a maid and right now I don't want to be a maid. I'm especially miffed because we are going to a local music festival in a few weeks. We come home each night but it's 2 full and 1 half day and she's most unhappy about it. Can't believe we would want to spend all that time sat in a field. Partly this is because she's afraid of falling because she hasn't got a fall device here. There is no signal for one. I can't solve the problem easily either. I keep looking for other ideas but they all require mobile network access and we insulated her new home so well that she doesn't have it. We built her a Faraday Cage without realising it. She has internet, but all on WiFi and these fall devices don't work on WiFi.
This 3 days is our only holiday. And she's unhappy. That's really annoyed me. Plus I found out this morning that after 1 year of private physio to get her back on her feet and over here, she's stopped doing her exercises! Jesus!! Old people can be very frustrating.
We can’t get a signal for one sort of fall monitoring device, but our local authority has an older system which operates through the phone lines: we have one for my husband and it works well. Might that be a possibility?
Agapanthus 1’s post is sound and wise. Suggest you take that on board.
Yes… Old people can be very frustrating and cantankerous.
Hope you get to actually enjoy your festival somehow. 🥰
We have exhausted all the other options for fall device/services. She's agreed. Order going in now I've measured her wrist for the strap size. Birds ankles come fatter.
After going through similar trials with 5 older adults, I can truly empathise.
You will need to get carers to help your Mum shower etc. She probably/definitely will resist it but you will need to stand firm-she will either suddenly find she can manage the shower etc or she may well adjust eventually & decides she likes the carers (they usually do). Relatives shouldn’t have to, nor are they trained to, provide intimate care for their parents.
If you end up being basically an unpaid carer for your Mum , your own mental and physical health will deteriorate & you will be no use to anyone. Don’t let things get to crisis point before you get help for your Mum as you will need to eventually, so don’t wait until you are on your knees.
There are some very good Carer organisations out there who can give you advice & point you to resources. Social services can assess what help she needs.
I can only recommend you start to set boundaries about the care you provide for your Mum now before your own physical & mental health deteriorates. You will feel guilty but your body will thank you. You also need to be well-enough to work to earn a living & have some life of your own. If the house needs clearing, cleaning etc before the sale, throw some money at it and get help-you can recoup the costs when it’s sold.
Situations like this can develop into a living hell, so take action to get support now before things deteriorate. As a daughter, the time you spend with your Mum should be doing pleasurable activities & not as a carer. Wishing you all the best. 🥰
PS book regular chiropody appointments for the toe nails.
Thank you. 5 of them! Do you have a death wish!??? I could not do it again after this. My friend is doing the same for her 2 parents. Sold up their beautiful house on Shetland to come back to the midlands and supposedly make sure they were eating and getting them to appointments because her sister, who lives close, is useless. But they went downhill rapidly and her mum developed dementia fast then fell and broke her hip. She has had to go into a specialist care home now but they still have her dad to look after. They ended up selling the house they had just bought and renting a big bungalow. So her dad is now with her. He's an eternal pessimist and hates her husband! She's at the end of her tether and her husband keeps volunteering to go abroad for work at every opportunity. We meet up for regular note comparing now!
I'm not at the "getting help in" yet stage, other than I'd love someone to do the shower, but no carer is going to set the hair on rollers. I have cleaners for her and she has no other responsibilities. Everything is brand new. It's also beautiful. Far nicer than our cottage inside. We never had the money to do it up properly. Sometimes I just need a good moan. And today was one of them. And the answers are lovely and very helpful and supportive. I just wish I could find a dose of thyroid meds that worked. I've struggled for 8 or 9 years now and have long since given up on my GPs and experiment myself. But my body just doesn't respond well.
We have all the gadgets. And we bought her a new bed (I thought 65+ years was old enough to replace!) that rises and shapes itself and an armchair that does the same. Shower seat is in place, high loo seat (I can't actually pee on it the position is so wrong) loo guard thing to push up with. Gadgets for the kitchen and for dressing. I can't imagine we've missed much of those. She has had one eye cataract done and has new glasses. She's been to the dentist for the first time in many years. I don't think I've missed much.
You must have been worn out when your massive stint of helping came to an end.
I have found an organisation (someone on here recommended it) Carers Network UK and had a good look at the site. Sounds promising. I have the page open to ring tomorrow to talk to someone about registering as a New Carer and getting their help and advice (which is what they say). I'll see what that brings.
That sounds like an excellent place to start. You’ve already done so much for your Mum & need as much support as you can get now. I think your Mum needs a bit of professional input to help her maintain her independence, rather than relying on you for everything. Wishing you both the very best 🥰
Aren't there companies that do house clearing? And pay you for the contents into the bargin? I seem to remember seeing ads when I lived in England.
My last house in England I sold as was, full of furniture. We rented it our for 5 years, to three young men. They trashed the place. I had one Sunday to remove what I wanted and find an estate agent. Which I did, The estate agent found a buyer, and the fact that it was still full of junk these young men had left didn't affect the price - some of it was decent furniture, of course. So, there are other solutions than wearing yourself out like that.
As for your mother, call her bluff. When she gets tired of waiting for you to do things, she'll probably do them herself. She's taking advantage of you, by the sound of it. Don't let her get away with it.
There are companies that do house clearing yes, but if the contents is basically junk, like this is, they charge you for the privilege and for months she kept asking for more things to be brought over. That has stopped now. I want to clear the personal stuff. I have the British Heart Foundation lined up to clear the furniture (also junk, post war, nothing nice about it, bits dropping off etc. so I hope they take it) and a tool charity to come and get the tools when I have them collected together.
One huge issue is the attic, that has lots in it but a tiny access hole. I'm too fat to fit into it now. As are most people I know. And there's no electricity up there and no flooring. That's going to be fun.
All this would have been so much easier if there had been a drive that I could park a skip on. But there isn't and it's on a main road, which is red route, ie no stopping at any time. I park in a local pub car park and fetch the car to the front when I need to load and try to do it as fast as I can and get away.
I am making headway. But it's slow, I've done it all on my own as my husband isn't interested in getting involved and he looks after me in so many other ways. I don't think we will get much for it. They lived in it for 65 years and did nothing to maintain it. It's 100 years old now, an end of terrace, and falling to bits. The only thing I'm not concerned about is the roof. And I finally found a gardening company to come and clear the front and back gardens and she's now on a monthly maintenance rota. That was a huge relief.
I considered doing it up and renting it out. So I took our builder (also a friend) over to give me an honest opinion. He came up with a long list of reasons not to hold onto it or spend anything on it. There's too much wrong and the area isn't very nice anymore and so the type of tenant will be almost certainly like your experience. I don't need that. Pity the housing market is dropping!
No, you don't need that! It was a horrible experience. And the agent that handled it for me was a crook! I can fully understand why less and less people want to be landlords, and there are less and less properties to rent.
Well, it does sound as if you're doing a great job so far. It must be hard, but it sounds like you're winning. Well done you! If I were you, I'd just leave the attic and deny all knowledge of what's up there. You said you can't get up there, anyway, so how were you to know?
I have considered that, more than once. No estate agent is going to check the attic. There is an old dolls house up there that she keeps going on about though. It was made by her uncle for her cousin either during or just after the war, probably during. I played with it. He'd done a nice job and bought proper dolls house windows, door and roofing. But it's just a box of 4 rooms and a staircase behind the front. It must be in a dire state now, if it's not disintegrated. But she keeps saying perhaps my cousin's little girl would like it. This young girl is treated like a princess. Her room is amazing. Beautiful and so girlie with an amazing bed. She has a dolls house, bigger and with lots of pink. No way would her mother want this old thing in the house let alone her daughters room. I just keep pretending I haven't heard. I've told her already there is no way it would be wanted for Hermione.
At least if I left stuff up there, it would be better than when Dad bought the house and made an access hatch to get into the roof. He found an unexploded incendiary bomb up there. Apparently that was common. They damaged about 4 slates going through. Many didn't have access to the attic. Everyone needed repairs at the same time so someone ran up a ladder and fixed the slates and that was it.
Wow! That's some story. Amazing that it didn't go off!
My mother had a lot of stuff in the attic of her new house, when she died. Putting it up there didn't do anything for it, too hot! So most of it had to be discarded. I didn't go up there myself - I couldn't! For all sorts of reasons. But, my brother got it all down. Had I been on my own, I would have left it. I really would just play dumb, if I were you, and ignore it.
Apparently it was quite common to find unexploded incendiary devices in lofts. This was in Coventry, so lot so bombs! They had a high failure rate.
My cousin, living in a village, just a few years ago sent her partner up into the attic to fetch something. He reappeared and waved this thing about saying "what's this". She didn't know so he put it on the coffee table. Later her 16 year old son came home, took one look and said "I think that's a bomb". It was New Year's Eve! The bomb squad had to come up from London. The police evacuated the whole row of small cottages on the hill until after the bomb squad had removed it to a field and fired it off! They were not popular with the neighbours for choosing NYE to find it. But the son and his mate were well pleased with the photo of them posed in front of the Bomb Squad vehicle.
There is also supposed to be a suitcase full of my baby clothes in the attic. I don't need them! My family never throw anything away. When old folk die the aunts and uncles (mu and dad) simply moved all their stuff into their own homes. They even rose to the challenge of getting it all divided up and into their homes when my Nan died and she had been a farmer for 50 years or so and lived in a huge farm house. Only if the woodworm had eaten the legs of furniture did they burn it. So I'm clearing some of that out now too. 25 years after she died.
Yes, my family were a bit like that. Took me and my brother a month to clear out my my mum's one-bedroom bungalow!
I used to live on the Somme, and it was quite normal for people digging up their gardens, or farmers ploughing their fields, to turn up unexploded bombs, rockets and bullets. They used to disarm them themselves, and turn the casings into flower vases. I myself found a live rifle bullet. My neighbour just pulled it apart in his hands and handed it back to me. lol I still have it.
I know that farmers still heap up old ordnance at the side of lanes in France. There was so much of it pumped into the ground there. I'm not at all surprised some just got on with dealing with it themselves. I love the idea that he just pulled your bullet apart.
2 people taking 1 month to clear a 1 bed home is eyewatering.
Yep, it was quite amazing. The number of sheets she'd managed to pack into the airing cupboard was incredible. I bet she didn't know half of what she'd got. But, at least we didn't have stairs to contend with. That would have killed me, I think. You have my deepest sympathy.
I feel for you... we are just dealing with the 'outlaws' bungalow... why have one of something when you can have six and all the expensive fitted wardrobes house the clothes they don't wear and the ones they do are in the garage in plastic boxes 😩 it's been quite an eye opener.... other half has been told to get a skip and deal with his shed as I'm not going through this nonsense again having sorted out my parents place recently...
Mother 'outlaw' now lives in an £8000 a month nursing home and is giving them hell... the 3 brothers physically wince at the dwindling inheritance and upcoming bills they will need to share....
Just don't forget to value yourself and factor in what you need as well 🤗
Jeepers! £8k a month!? What are they doing? Gold plating dinner?! The inheritance, even if large, won't last long at that rate.
In part I'm doing this because I need to protect as much of my relatively small inheritance as I can. We sold our IT business to an American company a number of years ago and they stiffed us. Asset stripped the company and left us owing money to legals who had tried to help. We got nothing. It was a major blow. My lovely husband went white haired very quickly after that and gained several stone and has never been the same since. It was such a shock and we were so helpless. At the same time the staff then tried to get money out of us too. Horrible time. As a result we have virtually no pension to live on so our property and the little money dad left + their dilapidated house is all we have. I'm prepared to put in the work when needed. I just don't think it's needed now. It's too soon.
Apparently though, I shamed her this morning and she's now done some exercises. Good!
The whole process has made me completely re-evaluate my life too. I used to like old things and to keep things. That's gone now. I have only ever bought a bed, 2 sofas, office furniture and a couple of side tables. Everything else is grandparents. And I've had enough of it. I want lighter furniture. Mum's new furniture in her barn home is really pretty and practical. I can't spend money on that for us at the moment. But I can and am clearing out the house. Having been ill for 8-9 years with this awful hypo the house has silted up. My husband just keeps everything and never tidies up much other than his immediate surrounds. I did all that. Then I could not. Now, slow yes, and only in between doing everything else, but I am getting clothes and shoes and unused things out bag by bag and box by box. I never want to do this again either and neither do I want anyone else to have to do it for me. I don't want to live in a house full of clutter and dust, so I'm stopping it right now. In order to turn our barn into mum's new home I had to empty 25 years worth of tools, gardening stuff, decorating materials, hobbies long forgotten and general junk out of it. It took weeks and endless trips to the tip. It was so cathartic. Now I just have the minimum for when I find a new shed. And before it comes back into a new shed it's going to be gone through again and sifted smaller! I'm on a mission.
Go girl! It sounds like you are turning it into a really positive though exhausting time, I'm the same, on first name terms with all the chaps at two local dumps and a regular at the charity shop drop off... I'm ruthless but like you say you have to drag others with you sometimes, thankfully the kids have all just moved house and have embraced the chuck it streak... it is now just the rather large man shed at the top of the garden which is fit to burst... final warning might be sort it out or move in with it! 😁
I think a bit of tough love is what your mother needs same as my outlaws otherwise learnt helplessness creeps in very quickly, she is now a total diva at the home, the carers quite understand why none of the sons ( or DIL) could accommodate her 🙄... be strong it sounds like you are on the home straight 🤗
She's very happy with the showering arrangement. It's me that doesn't like doing it. Things have piled up a bit for me these last couple of weeks and so I just needed to get it off my chest this morning. I'm not at the needing to get carers in stage yet. But I am going to see if I can either get her old physio back (I doubt it, it's too far) or find another to come in and make her do her exercises. She feels 6 times round the patio with her wheeled trolley is exercise. It's not.
Poppet, it sounds to me as if you really are in need of someone to come in and help your mum shower each day. Yes, you can do it but you have so much else to do. Rather than reaching the end of your tether, give yourself a break and sign up for professional help with just that one task before you are on your knees. It won't be a neglect thing. Once she is all clean and dressed, go and spend a bit of time with her chatting over a cup of coffee.
You are being an unpaid Carer FancyPants54 . Could you contact Social Services and arrange a Carer's Review, so that you can get the help that YOU need as well. I really think that your Mother should have her own paid Carer, which Social Services can put in place. They can also help with finances that your Mother could access if needed. Either way, I do not think that you should be doing all you can when you suffer from Thyroid problems. Good Luck and I wish you well. We have recently gone through this with our LD Son.
I am. Money isn't the issue, or won't be when the house is sold. We have cleaners for her (I can't afford them for us!). I will keep going for now. See how I feel when the house is empty and sold. Then if I'm no better, I will look into getting in help. But first I'm going to see if I can get her back with a home physio. I am really upset that she's stopped doing her exercises.
I've been reading the Carers UK network site this afternoon. Sounds useful. I'm going to ring tomorrow. To register as a new carer and access help/advice they say is useful. I'll see what comes up. It would be good to know if I'm eligible for anything myself. But I doubt it because she's not incapable really. Just choosing to do rather too little.
She's just said she has done some exercises this afternoon (because I discovered she'd stopped this morning and I told her off). But she said "they take a long time!" And? What else have you got to do? Just amusing yourself once dinner is finished and the dishwasher is on. There's a 95 year old in the village putting mum to shame. She walks round the village about 4 times a day with her 3 wheeled walker and her son. And she tackles the hill, which is considerable. And another lady, in her 70's I assume, with Parkinson's, now races round each day on her new walker with her live-in carer (rich) puffing in the rear slip-stream. I can't get mum to go for a walk because she says her walker pulls on her shoulders and back. I think she's using it wrong. I've written to her old private physio today and asked if she can come visit out here and do some sessions for mum again. Get her demotivated and work out what she's doing wrong with the walker. If she can't, I'll find someone more local.
How about booking your Mum into a home for a few days respite care while you are away, we did this with my Mum and she enjoyed it so much she ended up living there permanently, job done ✔️
That's not a bad idea. But she'd hate it. But you have given me an idea. There is a lady in the village who used to do respite care, I wonder if she still does. I will go and ask her and see if there is anything she could do to help. Thanks.
My Mum was determined to hate it but then had to admit she had a great time being looked after and having company. We arranged everything before telling her so she didn’t have the chance to throw her toys out the pram !
Love that Bantam. We did the same thing with my Mum. She went in for a holiday.... Was very reluctant at first.. The holiday got longer and longer.... and then eventually she agreed to stay.
I spent 6 months of last year getting this new home built, she's going to be staying in it as long as possible. I hope to keep her here with the aid of carers.
Everyone who sees it falls in love with it. The builder was superb. Our cottage is very old. The earliest known map to show it is 1742, but it'a probably lot older. There was a small stone barn in the garden. It was in need of serious work to stop it deteriorating. So we put a small extension on it and turned it into this 1 bed home. The original barn gives her an open plan kitchen and sitting room area with big windows and lots of light. She has a lovely view of the garden that she has no responsibility for. But I have noticed she's giving orders like "I can't see down the garden now the herb patch has got so tall, can it be cut?" Nope! The herb patch looks like a picture perfect Chelsea herb patch. Not quite sure how my husband managed it, he's not really a gardener but has learnt a lot this year and really done well with seed and plants. It's our cottage garden. It's not going to look like a 1950's suburban font garden with bedding plants in neat rows.
Apart from a step into the home, which was made extra wide and deep for her walker, it's all on one level with no trip hazards. It's perfect for easy living. She's just decided the easy living is even better if I'm doing all the things she doesn't want to do.
Awww & wow.... A very lucky Mum indeed. Maybe if u just do a go slow she might decide it's quicker to do somethings herself. My Grandma did the same... Just wanted everyone to do everything for her. More we did the less she did until we cottoned on. So we backed off... It was hard as she complained we didn't care!! Very upsetting... Lol.
I have to say I would not want one of my children doing my intimate care.... Too embarrassing. I hope it never happens. But I'm probably the opposite end of the spectrum and hate relying on anyone doing things for me!!
She hasn't emptied her kitchen bin or recycling bin since the day she moved in. The bin fairy does them as if by magic. The kitchen bin needs emptying now but I left it. I'm having a day off! The bad thing about the bins is there are 3 steps up and one down to reach them and with the walker that would be hard for her to manage. So I'm definitely stuck with that job. A thank you ow and then would be nice though.
Sounds like she's taking you for granted..... Can't the cleaner empty the bins on her rounds. Once per week should be enough....Thing is caring is relentless and wears you down. It's all fine on paper but in reality you just don't get time off and it never stops. I think you need some respite breaks built in. Your Mum is limited with a walker but that doesn't mean it should all fall on your shoulders. My uncle looked after my Aunt for several years. He had someone come in twice per week so he could have time off to go out/rest do what he fancies. I can't remember who arranged it.... I think it was Age UK.
The cleaners come once a fortnight not weekly, so that won't do. I have never known anyone make so much rubbish, recycling and food waste. 3 bins. I swear she has more rubbish than the 2 of us with our cat.
I keep telling her I am tired and fatigued and don't have the energy to keep on and that now and again I really should go to work! But it slips over the receptor cells because it's not what she want's to hear.
She has also had a stream of visitors this summer. Coming to see her new home. She always offers lunch or refreshments. Guess who has to provide and serve the lunch and refreshments on the best china that has to be got out and washed by hand? Make the tea etc.? Yep. There are 2 coming on Wednesday this week. 2 more some time in August. We had 2 last week. 2 a few weeks ago, 3 not long before that. And last week she wanted to go to her old primary school open day (celebrating 175 years) in a village nearby where she and her mum were evacuated during the war. Mostly, if I get to work at all I arrive around 5-6pm and leave around 10:30pm. For someone not on enough NDT yet to last the day this is a big strain. But I'm hopeful that we have now either had or have booked the remainder of her friends. I don't think there is anyone else to spring on me until Christmas, when they will all want to come again!
I should turn this into a comedy series and pitch it to the BBC.
She's not really a narcissist I don't think. But is showing tendencies of wanting it to be all about her now. She's done her bit as it was.
I did have a surprise in that I've discovered she's quite mean in some ways. She had plenty of money to pay for this home to be created and we decided it would be much better for us all for her to put her money into our property for our future rather than throwing it all away in a care home. She was fine with that. But we needed a bit of cash recently and she was very reluctant to help out. It meant we could clear the final part of our mortgage off and not have ever increasing interest to contend with and the reason we didn't want to use our less prolific savings to do that was because we'd spent quite a bit landscaping our garden after the builders had turned it into a hellscape so that our garden was nice again and as she lives in it it was also for her. Her reluctance was quite upsetting. It wasn't a massive amount and she had it tied up in a savings account she could not access except once a year. Meanwhile she had plenty in other instant accounts. Her outgoings are minimal and the whole idea of this is that when she needs nursing care we get it to come to us and I do expect to do more then. But right now I had hoped we could spend a bit of time just chatting or doing some embroidery together or something. But there's always a jobs list for me.
When dad was alive and I was needed to drive them to an appointment, she always gave me money for petrol (50 mile trip) afterwards even though at the time I was better off and didn't need it and kept saying so. I thought it was her. But when dad died, I have never been offered money again for trips. It was obviously dad that insisted she give me something. She does tell me to fill up the car occasionally with her card. But I don't do that very often. It feels wrong. I preferred the £10 note in an envelope because that way I got it without feeling bad about taking it.
old people ! .. tell me about it.... especially old people who have never been able to get their head round getting rid of anything their family passed down since 1850, and have added their own lives to it and then in old age add collections of 'plastic bags washed and folded neatly sorted into sizes and stored in plastic bags' (mum) , and 'all the antique meccano in the country sorted and stored in metal filing cabinets adding about 3 tonnes of weight to the spare bedroom floor' (dad)
it's really tough for you that you're an only kid ... me and my brother had constant "old people !! " rants to each other just to stay sane while dealing with our dad and mum , (in separate houses , both getting frail and ill at the same time) .....and it did really help to be able to blow off steam to someone who was in the same boat of "love them / utter frustration with some of their infuriating/ stubborn / ungrateful behaviour.
our dad used to refer to us as his 'staff'
we'd drive miles to cut his grass when he couldn't manage it any more ~ he'd tell us off for using the wrong lawn mower.
i said "i'll cut that tree down for you next week, leave it alone for now dad" , ( we decided to confiscate the chainsaw he bought off some bloke in the pub) ~ he phones us up when we're half way through a barbeque with mates 40 miles away and say's he's "in a bit of a mess , he's got his saw stuck half way through the tree and there's a storm coming this evening and he; a bit worried about it falling on next doors house ....and their work van ........and they're out" .... and just for fun it turns out he's made the cut about 6 ft up the tree while balancing on a ladder ( he's about 80)
my brother used to drive him round the edge of scotland every year when dad couldn't drive himself round any more, and my brother spent half the time apologising to bar staff for anything from "the plates not bl***y hot enough" to "why is every body Polish all of a sudden ? " ......but at least he could come outside and phone me and i'd send him a picture of a pigs arse in return .. It's just a lot easier to grit your teeth and carry on when you can have a laugh with someone about them .
You're doing a great job fancypants... hang in there.
mine are both gone 11 yrs ago now , and with hindsight i didn't really appreciate how hard it was for them as well as for us .... getting old and having to face the fact you can't do stuff and your kids are in charge now is no fun either.
I have one lasting regret ..one day i lost my rag with my mum and told her she was only making a pathetic effort at exercises she needed to do ... (and i know how it feels when someone you thought understood your difficulties says something that shows they don't really understand at all) ...... i know in my heart she will have forgiven me for not understanding 'where she was at' , and she knew i was under an awful lot of stress at the time dealing with them both ,and a teenage kid of my own 150miles away ..... but unfortunately i think that was probably the last thing i'd said to her before she unexpectedly died.
Be kind to yourself ..and be kind to 'the annoying ones'.. all this stuff won't matter when they're gone.
Oh my! You made me laugh about the tree. So damn typical. And as for simply packing all the old stuff from their old relatives into their home years ago ✔️Mission accomplished. But my mum's mum wasn't well off. She had a few nice bits of china she'd picked up in second hand shops after the war but that was all. And my dad's mum, who did have some nice bits as well as a farmhouse full of broken, mouldering, rotten stuff, also had 5 kids. The 2 women and 1 pushy DiL made sure they got the richer pickings and dad just bought home lots of tat.
Dad was a toolmaker for Rolls Royce Areospace and when he retired he bought home all his micrometers, a depth gauge and various other specialist tools and a box full of grading/polishing disks. Why? He never touched them again when he arrived home on his last day. He didn't have a lathe or any kind of cutting device for metal. I asked a friend of mine (also an engineer) last week to help me identify these tools so I can see if anyone wants them on Ebay. I asked him why dad had brought them all home. He said "'cause he could" And that sums it up I think.
The thing I'm getting most bothered about is my own lack of energy and ability to just get on with everything. I used to run a home, garden, business and semi-professional theatre building! Now I'm struggling to put the washing on. I'm just so annoyed with myself. I have struggled for 8-9 years to get this bloody thyroid thing right and I have had no success. I just get fatter and fatter, more and more exhausted and more despondent. I've been on Armour for 8 months now and no improvement other than I like not feeling the T3 rush I was getting from synthetic T3. Blood test on Friday. See where I am at.
I do worry for our future. We don't have any kids or close family. We neither of us had siblings or close cousins. We will have no one to look out for us.
I know it feels like you aren't managing to get stuff done like you used to , but don't underestimate how much you ARE doing ...(and have just done, re. buildiing work/ garden)
Having another person live with you and care for their daily needs is ...doing a lot .every day .
Having to empty and sell a house at the same time is... a lot .. (and it's a lot harder when they are still alive and you have to take their feelings into account)
it well get easier once you've got shot of the house .. but until you have , that's a huge and continuous mental and physical strain ........ when was the last time you went to sleep at night without wondering whether anyone had broken in or if you turned the water off ......or how you are going to get rid of a cooker .... or whether it's a cardinal sin to just throw 6 micrometers from 1950 in the dustbin ? ..... ( mine had lots of micrometers too ... from printing / paper industry.. he also had 3 lathes.... cos 1 is never enough ... and 3 hammond organs ... you really don't want to know how hard it is to get rid of 3 hammond organs , lol)
even if you were 100% well and had a sibling who was helping you with it all .. this extra workload would floor you for many months..... and you are not 100% well ....
if you have to dump stuff ( whatever that 'stuff' is) ... do it .
Try and find yourself a trustworthy housesitter to keep an eye on your mum / cat so in future you can go away when you need to ..... your mum can have a wash in the sink for a day or two if you are not there , it wont kill her..... you just need someone you can trust, to make sure she's not there all on her own in case she trips over and who can phone you up if there's a problem .... ask around your mates , for any recommendations of people they would trust who might need a bit of casual housesitting / grannysitting work.
Proper housesitters / home help / cleaners etc won't care a jot about your clutter and chaos .. most of their other clients are in exactly the same 'mess' as you are .... people with tidy, organised, manageable houses and lives don't need them ....
3 Hammond organs! Why? And yes, I can imagine that just one of those is very hard to off-load, let alone 3. No one wants them anymore. The question is why anyone ever wanted one in the first place.
I don't worry about the house getting broken into. It would be pretty easy, except the windows are probably jammed/swollen fast. We set up security cameras inside using the internet so if anyone goes in, we will be able to see them straight away and we can talk to them. Unfortunately we have a moth in there. It's driving my husband mad with notifications of entry in the evenings. I could not find it last week. I don't worry about leaving the water on and we have lights that come on and go off on complex timer rotations. And there's nothing worth stealing left. There wasn't to start with. But I do worry about how to get the big stuff carted away and how to clear the attic and garage and coal hole!
I'm also worried about what to do when it's empty. It's so terribly dusty, thick with it. But also half the paper is peeling off the lower walls and one bedroom ceiling paper is hanging down. I think I will need to get some basic decorating done, which is a shame as no one will move into this house without ripping it apart and starting again. But I don't think it will sell well in it's current state. I will also need to remove the 65 year old carpets from the bedrooms. They disintegrate as I walk on them.
Last week mum said she was plugging something in in her new bedroom, fan I think, and she looked around herself at the many plugs in each room and said to dad's memory "why did we struggle on for so many years with nowhere near enough electrical sockets Ken?" Why indeed. They didn't have a boiler until about 15 years ago and even then he would not have radiators fitted in the sitting room, dining room or freezing kitchen. Only in the hall and the bedrooms and bathroom. Go figure.
I need the house to sell as fast as possible and put it behind me. I was born in it. But I feel nothing for it. I just want it over.
I'm getting mum an Apple Watch so if she falls she will have the emergency services option or to call me from her watch. That should be in place in time for the festival.
...but feel free to ignore the loft and the coal hole if necessary , ( you have to leave some hidden fun for the new owners. it's the law)
Forget all about any ideas of decorating /or other attempts at tidying bits of it up to help it sell. Don't bother about cleaning it too much either.
.... unless you are actually doing it up properly, it's honestly just a waste of time/ money/ effort .. whatever you do WILL get ripped out anyway....and none of it will cover up any of the potential horrors that will put buyers off / or significantly lower the price ... the real things that put them off you won't be able to do anything about anyway ... (like "the survey showed the bay windows got a bit of subsidence" in our case) if it's an old house with dated fittings then it's going to be bought be someone who's doing it up . and they'll only pay what it's worth as a doer upper.
just get it empty and get shut of it ASAP for whatever someone will offer you.
Then move on .... and if and when you do have energy ... put it into 'your' house , not this one .
just let it go.
oh ... and learn to get better at lying .... lots of my mums things that "someone in the family might like " (ie. your inaccessible dolls house) .. have had a little adventure to the tip that she didn't know about and never found out .
....... "oh , i hope you don't mind mum , i have this (imaginary) friend at work with a lovely little girl and they are struggling a bit , so i asked her if she'd like such and such to fix up for her daughter and she was really pleased with it "
I really like our style! Yes, I take it all on board. I just thought it might make people think there was a leak in the roof with the paper coming down from the bedroom ceiling. There was. That's what did it. But there isn't now.
The attic is haunting me. She keeps going on about it. I think there's a lot of stuff up there. She keeps talking about a blue and white tea service that is apparently hexagonal shaped that her dad hated. She won't go quiet about it until I've bought it back. She is ridiculously attached to china. But although I bought her a beautiful big new glass fronted cupboard for her collection, she never uses any of it. I make her guests suffer it instead. I have to make the tea and serve so I'll do it on the china. I had to pack up each piece and then wash it all and put it away. So what if the tea pot dribbles and the cups are so small you have finished before you started? Who cares if you can only fit 1/2 a sandwich on the plate? There was probably still rationing when it was made. I had to bring it, you can use it! That's my view of the china.
She has 2 visitors tomorrow who I am expected to wait on. Apparently they will only eat toasted teacakes though, so not too onerous. And they don't drink tea. One will only drink pop. Which reminds me, she will be upset that I haven't put the bottle of pop into the fridge yet. I'm at work. Oh dear. I'm sure it will be cold by tomorrow even if it's dark when it goes in.
I know this is going to sound very hard hearted but for goodness sake - having to get into the shower to help wash a person who you say is quite capable of doing it herself and then having to dry her like a baby - when you are presumably soaking wet too - it’s just ridiculous!
When I think of all the elderly people and people with conditions like arthritis and osteoporosis who plod along slowly doing their best to be independent I almost feel annoyed with your mother on your behalf!
It really isn’t fair on you - and it’s going to get a lot worse. She is grinding you down and you’re not all that well yourself. I think you need to be a lot tougher with her - in a nice way but still tougher. I know she did all that for you when you were a baby etc but if she gives up on helping herself then her body is going to feel worse - she needs to be moving and doing things for herself. Use it or lose it as they say.
If she won’t learn to use her shower etc then you need to see social services or her GP and get someone to come in and help her shower and if she doesn’t like it then she can shower herself. Then find a home hairdresser to wash and set her hair once a week and a podiatrist to come and do her feet too. I’m 75 now and im finding that washing my hair a real drag. It’s only now that I realise the reason why when I was growing up so many older ladies used to go to the hairdresser for a weekly shampoo and set or even a perm.
As someone said - spend a day choosing anything you want to keep from her house then get someone in to clear the rest and pay you for it. My friends sister sold the family house as it was - furniture and all. She packed a couple of cases with her belonging, selected a few things that she wanted to keep and moved out to live with her sister. No bother and no regrets.
Sadly house clearance doesn't work like that at the moment. You pay them to take it away and depending on how much junk and stuff there is, is how much you pay. I guess it might be different if it were full of nice stuff and antique furniture, but it's not. It's 1950's post war furniture that saw better days 40 years ago! But I will be getting British Heart Foundation in to clear the furniture (also junk so I will still have to pay). There's a charity I will give all the garden tools and dad's other tools too.
It's almost too late now. I'm close to being done. I have a pile of books (that I will leave) and 1 room that still has lots of things in it. The bedrooms are empty now apart from furniture. The kitchen is nearly there and the front room just has things in it to make it look lived in from the road. So if I can get the backroom and under the stairs sorted I'll be well on the way.
I'm an only child. It makes it harder as there is no help. I can't tell you how relieved I am to have found gardening help. That made a huge problem disappear last Sunday.
I get wet feet and lower legs and damp upper legs. The shower is long, so she sits at the top and I stand at the bottom and use the shower head, then she holds it while I wash her hair and then her back. She washes the other side. Normally I take my trousers off. Today I rolled them up because they are just below the knee. She keeps chuckling about how the tables have turned. She used to do all this for me and now I'm doing it for her. I don't think it's funny though. There are things I don't need to see. She's come up with the scheme that if I do her feet, she will pay for me to have mine done (I have ingrowing toenails and because I have so much thyroid fluid in my legs I can't get my legs up high enough to be able to manage them properly. But she doesn't pay for me, it doesn't feel right. I just pay for myself.
It's hard. She can't lift her arms up very well so that stops her putting rollers in. Hanging clothes up etc. Everything is too heavy. I don't actually want her to try showering now. I see how unbalanced she is in the shower, even on the grippy mat thing. She's almost certainly going to fall if she were on her own. When I can do it no more, I will get some kind of carer in to do it. The hair will have to be frizzy. We are in the sticks. Home hairdressers and people coming to the house are not easy to find.
Thank you though. I needed to get this off my chest this morning because she's unhappy that my husband and I have 2.5 days away at a music festival in a couple of weeks and she doesn't like being left. We will be back at night to sleep. But she's still not happy. It annoyed me. We didn't give up our lives and garden like this to never be able to go away again. So I'm about to order an Apple Watch for her. It has a fall detection device built in and an emergency SOS number through to the services. It's not possible for her to have a fall pendant like she had before. This will fill in the gap hopefully. I feel better from all the helpful advice and support on here.
Definitely recommend an Apple Watch although it does need to be charged every day / night which could be a problem.
When I got mine I was trying to change the strap - the fingers on my right hand have been a bit deformed since I broke that wrist and I found it tricky to fasten the strap that came with it and bought a different ‘wrap round’ strap - anyway, I hadn’t really read the instructions and somehow the watch face flew through the air and landed on the floor. Before I’d even managed to pick the thing up a voice spoke to me to ask if I had fallen a, I got the shock of my life, grabbed the watch and said muttered no, I had dropped it and hurriedly switched it off.
Fast forward to last Christmas when I tripped in a hole in the footpath, falling and pulling my other half down on top of me. When we finally got up on our feet I was aware of my watch buzzing on my wrist (I now use it with the sound turned off) I looked and it asked if I had fallen and gave a few options - I chose ‘Yes but I’m ok’ and that was that. Considering one of my emergency contacts was lying on top of me pinning me to the ground I’m not sure calling him would have helped.
I’m not surprised you’re not in the least impressed when she chuckles and says the tables have turned. I can just imagine you gritting your teeth at that. Can see why you worry about her falling, does she have a shower seat?
I remember my cousin who was an only child saying she wished she had had a sibling to help her with everything when her parents died. She found it very hard.
Grit your teeth and keep smiling however hard that is - my mother had being difficult down to a fine art - fortunately she lived independently and I didn’t have to do any personal stuff but boy could she be awkward 😉
Have a wonderful time at the music festival and well done to you both for being determined to go.
Thank you! And that information about the Apple Watch is perfect. I've decided to order one. I've measured her wrist for the strap size (tiny) but although it obviously does have fall detection etc it's not that clear what happens if a fall occurs. Now I know! And that's just what we need. So that has been a great help.
Yes she has a shower seat. She sits on it while I shower her from in front. I give her the shower head to hold as I wash her hair. I really have to keep my eye on it because she doesn't have good grip and if it slips in her hand I will be watered!
Having a sibling is no guarantee of help, I know. My friends have sold up their lovely home on Shetland and returned to the midlands to look after her elderly mum and dad despite having a useless sister living just streets away. She is having a really hard time as her mum has developed dementia fast, so they sold the house they had just bought and rented a large bungalow, got her mum and dad in with them (which is a great strain as neither of them like her really lovely and helpful husband) and then her mum's dementia galloped ahead, followed by a night fall and broken hip. After the surgery the dementia stopped her learning how to get up and how to walk so she has had to go into a home, where some private physio has got her back up and moving enough to reach the bathroom again. Her dad is miserable. Her sister and nephew and niece blame her and her husband for not having her home... Meanwhile they emptied the house, did a few jobs on it and sold it. I don't know how she's still standing and smiling. We met for lunch last week. We totally understand each other.
My strap is called a ‘sport loop’ and it can be tightened a lot so I’m sure it would fit a tiny wrist. I also forgot you can also press the SOS button. I’ve only ever set mine off by dropping it / falling flat on my face.
My cousin had a romantic idea that siblings would be supportive of each other. Someone to share the misery of losing a parent. It was obvious that she was an only child and had no idea of the complications of having siblings.
My brother was a spoiled, over indulged and unpleasant boy who grew up to be a spoiled, overindulged and often unpleasant adult! So although he helped with the physical work of clearing out the house etc at the end and he did his bit keeping an eye on our mother - they fought and bickered a lot - I was amazed when she said to me he was a bully - her pride and joy! You could have knocked me down with a feather that after all those years it turned out that she realised what he was like! Anyway, he lived close by whereas I lived 400+ miles away from her, he could be very nasty though - nasty comments just kind of tripped off his tongue.
I think you’re doing incredibly well! My mother is 98 but still very independent, to the point of refusing to have a cleaner, or help for much at all apart from the shopping. I’d find it very difficult to do all you’re doing.
First, you mention opening and closing skylights. Velux suppliers can fit solar powered openers to them, we have two and they are wonderful. You open them using a thing like a light switch, and same to close them, if it rains they close automatically. Despite lack of sun, they have worked for several years and just occasionally need a new battery in the switch itself. If your skylights aren’t by Velux I’d still think they could fit them, it’s just a matter of a box thing on the outside, there are no wires into the wall. velux.co.uk/products/electr...
Second, if you are concerned that your mother is unstable in the shower now, even though she could shower herself before she moved to you, you should tell her GP, who can arrange an assessment. I’m thinking of the scenario if she fell in the shower and you either had to lift her, or she fell onto you.
I agree with others about getting a chiropodist in once a week, and also a travelling hairdresser if you can find one. You say your mother has a cleaner but you can’t afford one – in view of everything you’re doing to help her, could you ask her if her cleaner could spend some time on your home after she’s finished hers, at her expense? If the cleaner doesn’t have spare time then consider deducting half an hour from your mother’s cleaning for yours, just half an hour can be a help. If your mother objected you could point out the time you’re now spending helping her and that it doesn’t leave time for you to clean your home properly. It may not be easy to ask, but I think it would be a fair thing for her to agree to.
I hope you enjoy the music festival, and that the lady in the village who used to do respite care can help. Or can at least tell you of someone else who can help. Next time perhaps a weekend away!
A weekend away would be magic! But not likely as we also have a young cat. We hadn't planned on another cat, a mother was enough! But in mid November this tiny scrap arrived on my neighbours back doorstep one dark evening and cried and cried until she was noticed and let in. Long story, they couldn't have her. She spent a week at the vet because the shelters were full and a stray can't be adopted for 7 days in case someone is looking for them. We advertised her and wrote on other village groups. No one came forward. The vet thought she was dumped because they couldn't afford to feed her. She was so pretty and so delightful that before 24hrs at the vet had elapsed we had rung and said we wanted to adopt her and the rest is history. She's a wonder. She's so bright, she's into everything and terrifies me with death-defying antics on the stairs and banisters every day. But our lives are so much richer for her being with us. We love her to bits.
She is not going to like us going to the music festival. But at least we will be home every evening and her food will be in a chilled timer device for serving at the right times. I need to book her into a cattery for a night. Then a couple of nights, to get her used to the idea before I could go away and I just don't have the time or space to organise that. I'd be worried!
We go to this festival every year, with our neighbours, it's great fun, even if it's wet although last year is was during the horrible heatwave we had. That was hard to cope with. We are going. She has to get used to the idea. I'm covering all the bases now.
Go and enjoy it! You deserve a break. I think the cleaner cleaning your house as well as hers is a great idea. Am sure your Mum would be more than happy to pay for that. It's a lovely Thankyou for all you do.I remember now my Uncle had a lady who used to visit twice per week and sit with his wife fir s few hours. She had dementia. This lady would get her tea etc or help her to the loo etc and keep her company. It was lovely as my Uncle could go out without worrying Anf treat himself. He said it was a life saver. It was organised by a charity through age uk. I know you live in the sticks, my uncles does too so worth asking about.
Burn out is a genuine risk with carers like you. So a bit of r&r is vital.
No carers allowance. I haven't had time to think about it and I don't think I'd get much anyway as she's still capable of cooking her own dinner and doing her washing and having a daily wash. It's the shower she can't do and needs lots of help reaching things, putting things away, dealing with her worries and waiting on her friends! She's totally reliant on me to take her to appointments and things, and boy there are a lot of those, but I don't think carers allowance is for that.
I don't want a cleaner. That might sound daft but I've been unwell with hypo for 8 or 9 years now and the house is a mess. It's in dire need of cleaning, but first a major decluttering and sorting out. I'd be ashamed to bring anyone in right now. I am hoping that if Armour works for me I can get back to sorting it out, but before then I have to clear her house and get it sold.
Have you had any occupational therapist involved? You are doing far too much, and sounds like your mum is taking advantage of this or thinks you feel that you should be helping her in this way. As she is in a new environment she may lack a bit of confidence in the shower etc, you started to help so she has accepted that. An OT can do a home assessment and check what she can/ cannot do and suggest techniques or further equipment to help confidence etc. A good OT can also recommend local 'clubs', online groups etc to help motivate your mum into doing things etc etc. You could also explain to the OT what your mum used to do prior to moving in. Is there another underlying reason for your mum is not doing things that she hasn't shared with you e.g dizziness etc. Her exercises are important but the more she does for herself, will be a form of 'occupational' exercise, exercise through doing activities and it can be a lot more interesting. Sometimes people get care support too soon and this can really impact independence through loss of role and active lifestyle, although they themselves may not recognise that. The more you do, the more she will lose through muscle tone, strength, balance, confidence etc. I think she needs a graded return to the level of independence she used to have and it sounds like you need an OT to help her to see the importance of doing things for herself. Your local authority or local Health and Social Care partnership should be able to put you in touch with OT, some GP practices also have OTs nowadays. Good luck.
We had OT involved in her old home so we have all the gear she needs. She fractured her pelvic around 5 or 6 years ago and that's when we got the help. But more recently, Christmas 2021, she had a bout of cellulitis in her feet and lower legs and that really affected her. She was immobile but living alone in a pandemic. The GP house called and said she should have been in hospital but he didn't want her to go there because of Covid so she did her best. But the sitting and the pain and the difficulty moving with it resulted in a loss of confidence, balance and muscle tone. We then had 12 months of home physio care which was amazing and got her back on her feet to the point she was able to go to the hairdresser and the butcher (both close) on her own again before she moved over to us. She is very reliant on wheeled walkers, but if the stop her falling over I have to put up with them. She also has scoliosis of the spine and is very bent forward at the neck so balance will never be very good again. She's very weak in her muscles because she sits too much really. But I don't have time to take her to clubs etc as we live in the sticks in a tiny village and I have a job. I would like her to walk around the village with another old lady who goes round 3 or 4 times a day every day. But mum says walking hurts her shoulders too much. I think it's because she's leaning into her walker. I have messaged the physio to see if she will come visit us. But it's a long way. If she says no, I will try to find one locally. I can't be taking her to hospital physio.
It sounds like your mother is worried about the unknown (new home) and your the familiar. When shower time comes tell her its up to you and I will be waiting for you on the couch ….. My elderly mom went through a similar phase when she moved from our family home.
No it's not that. She's been in her new home since early November and she loves it. I actually don't want her to shower herself now really because I keep a careful eye on her feet when she's wet and coming out and she is not balanced well. She could very easily slip and fall. I'm usually hovering waiting to grab her. I think she just likes being waited on. She spent her whole married life waiting on Dad and me when I was there. It was the way she made her life. Now she thinks it's her turn.
Sending you lots of hugs. You do need to take care of yourself too. Go and enjoy your days away. I know how difficult Mothers of a certain age can be! I’m a retired nurse now but I didn’t feel right showering her, wouldn’t think twice about showering anyone else. I just explained that I was her daughter not her carer. I know what you mean about emptying her home, I have an older brother (useless as a chocolate fire guard!) and a younger sister, she did some things, but I did the majority of it. We went through the same thing with my father in law, unfortunately we were over 150 miles away. Lived in the house over 65 years and so much junk! We sorted a lot of the personal stuff out (Mother in law died 2 years before). We had to stay in a hotel when we were down there so was working out very expensive. In the end we contacted a chap that did house clearance on the side, quoted £1500 for sorting the lot! Bit his hand off! Best £1500 ever spent! I know it’s a difficult situation you are in but sometimes you need to put yourself first. Contact local authority to see what help you can get for her. Put ad in local rag re hairdresser. Don’t let yourself be ground down. Please take care and look after yourself xx
When I get to the Furniture and the kitchen appliances, plus anything I can't shift in the garage, I'm definitely getting house clearance in. And I'm pushing myself now, to get on with it. I want this job finished. I have another day there on Thursday as the stair lift is due to be removed (what a relief that will be and NO thanks to my cousin who the day before it was due to be removed in May said he would like it and would take it away and then never did!!! Leaving me no option other than to rebook with Acorn who then took about 5 weeks to give me a new date. The stairs are steep and shallow and I have size 8 feet and don't feel safe on them with the dam stairlift in the way. I need room to go down like a clown, feet out to the side, otherwise half my foot is hanging over the step.
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Moan about adapting to T3
Rod ****ing Liddle 👿 in the Sunday Times
Graves & feeling forgotten MOAN ALERT
Trying really hard to keep a grip. Feel like I'm always moaning on here, so sorry!
Sunday reading
