Time to banish my Christmas FAT!

I have had lots of Christmas fuss and fun with relatives and friends rolling through my various doors, since half a week before it began. I should be as thin as rake with the endless cleaning, bed making, furniture removals and twenty four hour cooking marathons, and clearing up after various painting jobs. However this is not the case at all, due to my festive munch conveyor belt going at full speed. I am afraid the opposite is true. I do resemble a large turkey.

The final remnants of festive birds were banished into a pie to feed ten people on Saturday - alongside a useful stock of vast proportions now divided up into containers in my freezer. I do often use that ice cube tray trick, and freeze in labelled bags... once I did not label them and unfortunately served gin and tonics with chicken stock cubes and lemon, causing my guests at the time to run outside and heave violently into the shrubbery. This time all in special labelled pots marked 'stock'. My late mother would be very pleased with me. I also tested my new ski gloves when tidying the freezer which was so awful I could not shut the lid... no more shopping until things are sorted and in date order. I know it needs doing when I have to almost climb inside it to scoop the frozen vegetables out of the bottom with a soup ladle, yes that bad! As I stood back up I jammed my head up underneath some vile cupboards, which HE had installed there, after I flung them out the house and onto the bonfire months back. This caused an avalanche of tinned kidney beans, beans, chickpeas, sweetcorn and tuna to reign down on me and off gathering speed down my back and off across the garage. A useful collection to last at least two years from a certain German supermarket. Purchased by HIM. My friends find it most useful that I have so many things and come around on an almost daily basis to borrow it all.

This morning I ventured out into a howling gale with my teenager daughter and her best co minx to brave a large town miles away. I felt enormous being shoe horned into the back of a hatchback, and my post festive glowering was only lessened by remembering that I had done a work out yesterday to Sisters Sledge using a rotating exercise disc. A particularly frightful and regular event, that upsets any visitors or delivery people approaching the house. This was then followed by some huffing and puffing on a gravity walker, I find if I do this in front of the television and watch the news, I go much faster due to how annoyed I become with most items, snort, stamp etc.

After a brief window of self congratulation regarding my exercise regime we stopped for brunch. This was after I had eaten my own body weight in fruit on the way there, We enjoyed a quiet coffee with some great local food. The chef winked at me...I know a winker when I see one etc etc. The establishment is mainly set up for yummy mummies who eat one leaf and a nut per week with no gluten in sight ever in case of bloating, so my microscopic eggs benedict with grilled tomato was perfect, alongside a green salad - PAH!

Once in town, I braced myself for pre birthday shopping for my youngest and made the mistake of entering a department store. I was met by a barrage of dark orange sprayed women who wanted to daub perfume all over me and then arrange makeovers.. Big mistake, straight away an allergy attack, however to be quite honest it had started to arrive in the car, before going in there. My attack was so dramatic that I had to sit on a chair.. and be fetched coffee, but every event has a silver lining, as I waited for my pills to work, I handed over my shopping list to one of the very nice orange ladies - who then went shopping and did the whole lot. First decent rest I have had for days... I also tried out some 'make you look twenty five years younger immediately foundation'. It worked, however it has now gone tatty since arriving home. I rushed into making a coal fire and used a blow pipe to get it going, having not emptied the ashtray underneath. So now layer of grey ash on top of my make up, more like Mrs Doubtfire now.

I may have a quiet couple of nights now indulging myself with log fires, books and my laptop - this is always the plan, but no doubt somebody or something will entice me out. I have since found out that a particular lady who loves to leave her keys in local ash trays has been planning a big night out up the road and has been seen draping herself about the place practicing for her big night out on a ticket to nowhere. She was last seen in all her Pterodactyl glory in a frightening and predatory backless dress, festooned around the village hall practicing for her big night. I may have to cycle up the road with my best bike light in order to not miss something of notable interest. My youngest was born on New Year's Day and fifteen years ago, I was at a party before hand, and went to another on the way home, complete with a very large baby wrapped up in a fluffy blanket looking very very new indeed. There was no way I was going to miss one of my best friend's gastronomic New Year's Day parties, I remember being totally starving at the time and it certainly did the trick.. all my children were there, plus others I looked after at the time, and we all had a great time, and all went home slept well, even the new one! Mind you even now as a teenager he tends to just sleep and eat and needs regular feeding etc, although I have stopped winding him!

I am quite enjoying my new bland house... some regular visitors felt sad that it had lost it's 'brothel like overtones', however my shocking pink sitting room with ambient red lights had caused us all to not be able to find anything during the evening unless high powered torches could be found, our new snobby lamps and vendor induced bland arrangements may just do the trick for the New Year. One more room to go, the kitchen will turn snooty grey in January and be de junked of personal photographs and rude notes, mainly about me, or from myself to others, on the communal notice board.

I hope everybody had a great time over Christmas and I will come back soon with tales of skulduggery and scandal.

MaryF x

16 Replies

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  • What a great post - you need to be writting a book with humour like that - I LOL more than once and am sitting here now with a smile on my face. Could visualize perfectly the "brothel like" sitting room and knew exactly what you were talking about when you mentioned the orange ladies at the dept store.

    Thanks for the laughter - I needed it.

    Wishing you a very happy new year and lets hope you write many more post like this one.

    Moggie x

    p.s. I thought it was only me that had to scrap the peas up from the bottom of the freezer.

  • I am sure ramble and witter will continue... and thankfully you can't see what my bedroom looked like.... far worse than the sitting room! MaryF x

  • Christmas ramble and witter well up to your usual standard and much appreciated. Those orange ladies are a menace, the worst ones are the ones on the cross Chanel ferries,they pop out from behind displays and try to spray you as you go past.

    I love your description on your shocking pink sitting room with ambient red lights LOL.

    And what a useful tip to use your ski gloves when working in the freezer. Normally I try to persuade other half to lift all of the baskets out and put them on the kitchen floor for me so that I can rummage around looking for freezer burnt food to throw out.

    I found a can in my pull out cupboard during my pre Christmas rummage last week and while I'm positive it wasn't the oldest one I have ever had to throw out, it was slightly rusty looking and bulging scarily at both ends - I moved it carefully out of my way but it was like having a UXB in the corner of the kitchen, I was frightened to go near it, fortunately we got it to the tip in one piece.

    Our freezer is an upright version of yours complete with escaping peas but I well remember up-ending myself into the depths of the chest freezer to get at all those little escapees.

    Speaking of things HE buys - my other half is absolutely cock a hoop with his bargain selection of 200 springs from his new favourite shop Screwfix. I mean 200! He needed 1(one ) to repair his long handled tree loppers - one!

    When I emailed my son along the lines of 'you'll never believe what your father has bought etc' his response was 'wow, that's great' clearly a chip off the old block.

    A very Happy New Year to you and yours, hopefully operation bland will pay off and you will sell quick as a flash.

    Liz x

  • Thank you, I am aware that secretly my husband is the president of 'Screwfix' MaryF x

  • Ha - bet he loves Maplins too.

  • Yes... of course, but not as much as a certain German supermarket! If he could automate me, he would... complete with remote controller:

    MaryFx

  • I was just swallowing my wine when I got to the ' chicken stock cubes' part. Fortunately I don't think there is too much damage to my keyboard!!

    Thank you for your usual entertaining post. Please ramble and witter all you like.

    Happy new year. x

  • I am currently having my jaws wired together will write further installments after my convalescence MaryF x

  • Happy New Year Mary - Thanks for the laugh - would you like to swap tins of beans for various chemical allergy promoting cleaning products which the HE at this end has collected in our cupboard over the washing machine. They too are quite acrobatic and entertaining. I am hoping to sneak them into our youngest's ' Useful Things for Moving House' box with which he should be departing in a couple of weeks. However if you could use some I'll save them for you - now to find some live turkeys for football training! X

  • Have a lovely New Year, filled with fun. MaryF x

  • Thank you for all your blogs during 2013, look forward to many more. Happy New Year to you and yours x

  • Thank you, same to you, have a lovely evening and the best sort of New Year. MaryF x

  • Happy new year to you and yours, so look forward to next installment. X

  • Have a great night, speak next year! MaryF x

  • Brilliant Mary - let's have more in 2014! Let's face it we could all do with cheering up :-) x

  • I am sure there will be plenty more....! MaryF x

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