I have had lots of Christmas fuss and fun with relatives and friends rolling through my various doors, since half a week before it began. I should be as thin as rake with the endless cleaning, bed making, furniture removals and twenty four hour cooking marathons, and clearing up after various painting jobs. However this is not the case at all, due to my festive munch conveyor belt going at full speed. I am afraid the opposite is true. I do resemble a large turkey.
The final remnants of festive birds were banished into a pie to feed ten people on Saturday - alongside a useful stock of vast proportions now divided up into containers in my freezer. I do often use that ice cube tray trick, and freeze in labelled bags... once I did not label them and unfortunately served gin and tonics with chicken stock cubes and lemon, causing my guests at the time to run outside and heave violently into the shrubbery. This time all in special labelled pots marked 'stock'. My late mother would be very pleased with me. I also tested my new ski gloves when tidying the freezer which was so awful I could not shut the lid... no more shopping until things are sorted and in date order. I know it needs doing when I have to almost climb inside it to scoop the frozen vegetables out of the bottom with a soup ladle, yes that bad! As I stood back up I jammed my head up underneath some vile cupboards, which HE had installed there, after I flung them out the house and onto the bonfire months back. This caused an avalanche of tinned kidney beans, beans, chickpeas, sweetcorn and tuna to reign down on me and off gathering speed down my back and off across the garage. A useful collection to last at least two years from a certain German supermarket. Purchased by HIM. My friends find it most useful that I have so many things and come around on an almost daily basis to borrow it all.
This morning I ventured out into a howling gale with my teenager daughter and her best co minx to brave a large town miles away. I felt enormous being shoe horned into the back of a hatchback, and my post festive glowering was only lessened by remembering that I had done a work out yesterday to Sisters Sledge using a rotating exercise disc. A particularly frightful and regular event, that upsets any visitors or delivery people approaching the house. This was then followed by some huffing and puffing on a gravity walker, I find if I do this in front of the television and watch the news, I go much faster due to how annoyed I become with most items, snort, stamp etc.
After a brief window of self congratulation regarding my exercise regime we stopped for brunch. This was after I had eaten my own body weight in fruit on the way there, We enjoyed a quiet coffee with some great local food. The chef winked at me...I know a winker when I see one etc etc. The establishment is mainly set up for yummy mummies who eat one leaf and a nut per week with no gluten in sight ever in case of bloating, so my microscopic eggs benedict with grilled tomato was perfect, alongside a green salad - PAH!
Once in town, I braced myself for pre birthday shopping for my youngest and made the mistake of entering a department store. I was met by a barrage of dark orange sprayed women who wanted to daub perfume all over me and then arrange makeovers.. Big mistake, straight away an allergy attack, however to be quite honest it had started to arrive in the car, before going in there. My attack was so dramatic that I had to sit on a chair.. and be fetched coffee, but every event has a silver lining, as I waited for my pills to work, I handed over my shopping list to one of the very nice orange ladies - who then went shopping and did the whole lot. First decent rest I have had for days... I also tried out some 'make you look twenty five years younger immediately foundation'. It worked, however it has now gone tatty since arriving home. I rushed into making a coal fire and used a blow pipe to get it going, having not emptied the ashtray underneath. So now layer of grey ash on top of my make up, more like Mrs Doubtfire now.
I may have a quiet couple of nights now indulging myself with log fires, books and my laptop - this is always the plan, but no doubt somebody or something will entice me out. I have since found out that a particular lady who loves to leave her keys in local ash trays has been planning a big night out up the road and has been seen draping herself about the place practicing for her big night out on a ticket to nowhere. She was last seen in all her Pterodactyl glory in a frightening and predatory backless dress, festooned around the village hall practicing for her big night. I may have to cycle up the road with my best bike light in order to not miss something of notable interest. My youngest was born on New Year's Day and fifteen years ago, I was at a party before hand, and went to another on the way home, complete with a very large baby wrapped up in a fluffy blanket looking very very new indeed. There was no way I was going to miss one of my best friend's gastronomic New Year's Day parties, I remember being totally starving at the time and it certainly did the trick.. all my children were there, plus others I looked after at the time, and we all had a great time, and all went home slept well, even the new one! Mind you even now as a teenager he tends to just sleep and eat and needs regular feeding etc, although I have stopped winding him!
I am quite enjoying my new bland house... some regular visitors felt sad that it had lost it's 'brothel like overtones', however my shocking pink sitting room with ambient red lights had caused us all to not be able to find anything during the evening unless high powered torches could be found, our new snobby lamps and vendor induced bland arrangements may just do the trick for the New Year. One more room to go, the kitchen will turn snooty grey in January and be de junked of personal photographs and rude notes, mainly about me, or from myself to others, on the communal notice board.
I hope everybody had a great time over Christmas and I will come back soon with tales of skulduggery and scandal.