I am very tired but extremely happy. I have been packed off to London to stay with my friend 'Dithers' for a three day break involving no children, apart from myself of course! The last week and a half took on a galloping momentum and wore me out. A cold with gigantic sneezes which made all the children run away due to the force of my explosive noises and nose blowing, and the death of a very old relative, my husbands father. A peaceful one and an epic farewell. My husband owes his gentle nature and endless smiling to his late father, and his hilarious batty antics.
The beginning of the week saw my man rowing to work and back in a boat that resembled a colander - one hole in particular letting in alarming amounts of sea water. The fact that he arrived home exhausted having rowed a boat half full of water over an estuary against the tide seemed unsurprising to him. The local salty old sea dogs survey him at all times from their oily trawlers and play fetch with his boats and oars. These regularly disappear out to sea on the outgoing tide, and is part of their weekly entertainment. Our boats don't have names, only phone numbers painted on them.
One local sailing teacher collared him last week and said it was about time that he kept his oars and other things in his own boat shed, my husband was delighted to hear about this new arrangement and did lots of wild gesticulations and then proudly demonstrated the new spare key he had been given, being tied to the actual rowlocks of the boat inside the shed. He finished this off by slamming the shed door shut and clicking the padlock before realizing that of course the key to the padlock and the rowlocks were now locked the wrong side of the door. This was repeated again at the dead of night, and he had to phone many people to find another key, in order to row home and eat a particularly delicious dinner I had promised him.
We had a gentle week of films and fireside dinners to build up to the family funeral which commenced with a very long drive to reach it, and went very well. It was complete with a sudden stop in the violent rain, and the apperance of the sun, with a double rainbow and two dancing ravens which then propelled everybody into rowdy wake. I was driven to having gin and tonics and spoke in silly for the rest of the day. We were staying with lovely friends, in fact the man of the house and my husband used to ride their tricycles together aged two and know each other very well which considering what happened next was a good thing. I was awoken early in the morning to be told a tale which caused me to hyperventilate and inhale my morning tea in bed.
I was having a special gin and tonic ladies deep sleep with snoring, he got up stark naked of course to take the sort of pee men take when having sampled local beers as a research project. Off he went along the landing, and on his return went into the wrong bedroom. His first thought having become slightly worried was apparently...'Mary where are you?', followed by 'oh dear'. This was then followed by him trying to pat his way around the walls and furniture with a thought in mind that perhaps he should stand there until dawn until he could see what was going on, but feeling a little shivery decided to call what he hoped was his friend, in a special whispering voice. mentioning that he was lost and was anybody there. His friend and wife clicked on the light and sat bolt upright in their bed, to be treated to my puzzled and stark naked husband grinning inanely at them and apologizing profusely. The response from his friend... oh not this again, you have been doing this to me for forty years etc.
The next morning with storm subsided we drove home to survey the damage in East Anglia and put on a party for our teenage daughter. Our house was ok, but the front door is now barricaded by escaped shrubs, which is still like this causing the postman to come around to the back door on all fours and post things through the cat flap every morning. No electricity for miles around and a thought about whether or not to let the party go ahead. Not being a spoilsport we said yes, I felt the electricity would come back, it did, but not before I had cooked everything on a gas camping stove and wood burner and boiled up water for baths.. naturally when I had done all this, and exhausted myself, back it came. There were strict rules issued for the party for us as parents.. we were banned, and told to stay in our bedroom and only allowed to come down once to collect our dinner. I was allowed to make food for them all, before my bedroom confinement My daughter attends a school which prides itself on mathematical excellence, however she can't count, I felt that the twenty people who were coming looked more like thirty five!
The house was soon full of ghouls, ghosts, zombies and some things I was not sure about, the music revved up and we stayed upstairs watching films and sniggering at the noise, however doing some glaring at the wine in our bedroom, as we are on a cleanse since the debauchery at the wake. After hearing what I felt was collective vomiting going on in the next door bathroom... I did intervene and make some parenty noises about no more drinks and go to sleep, and encountered a half dressed young man with waist length wig, who asked very nicely if I lived in the house!
I found the downstairs littered with canoodling teenagers and rather ominous queues for the loos They all went to bed by 1am. In the morning I picked my way through endless bodies clad in grey makeup, littering the hall and even the kitchen.. and to their credit they all got up and cleaned my house. I escaped for a holiday in London leaving strict instructions on floor mopping, carpet stain removal and hoovering, plus kitchen cupboard wipe downs. I had taken pity on them and cleaned three disgusting loo and basin arrangements and disposed of a frightful kitchen bin, but the rest was over to them. I had also told them, they had to cook dinner for my man by the time he came home from work, as he had left for a meeting in the morning at the height of teenage mayhem.
I received a hilarious message yesterday along the lines of... the house ended up much better than it was before the party mum, however Dad has now ruined it again and it looks awful. Meanwhile I am installed with 'Dithers' for the first time in ages, up in London involving no children, and no medical appointments for myself or them. Only appointments with friends involving rather large dinners and lunches. Yesterday I met with my friend APsnotFab and we had hilarious earnest lady chats about everything we could think of and demolished a very nice lunch all in the name of gluten free research. My pudding did not touch the sides. I then was treated to rather a nice dinner in the evening with Dither's who has promised today to give me a blow by blow account of her latest speed dating adventures. Apparently one man wanted her to move in and marry him straight way but needed her to start cooking for himself and 8 other relatives immediately. She did inform him that this was rather premature on a first ten minute speed date!
I am very tired after this week, but I am sure anybody would be. My LDN and thyroid meds are doing me proud... however next week there will have to be extra exercise to work off all my naughty lunches and dinners! I am very lucky to have lovely friends.
Mary F x
xxx
