Calista

[calista]

Lately a good friend took it personally when I couldn't keep a lunch appointment due to ibs flare. She was very angry instead of being sympathetic..so it is sad . Has anyone else had the same experience?

[Book_Worm5]

I’m sorry she acted that way and made you feel even worse that you already did I’m sure! I’ve found that many people in my family and friend group don’t understand IBS and don’t want to try to either.

I’m now ruthless and I have no space in my life for people that don’t want to understand this awful condition and how it impacts me - if they can’t be compassionate they aren’t a true friend and I distance myself from them.

Family is a little trickier - my own mother has difficulty understanding IBS but I have to remain firm with her and protect my boundaries of what I cannot eat and do. She’s learning slowly 🙂

[Edgar77]

I have lost all my friends thanks to IBS. Some of my family don't understand too. My sister tries, but even she can come out with things that shows she don't realise how servear it can be. As for my husband he cannot and will not even try to understand and says hurtful things like Your not trying, deal with it , get over it, Man up!(don't let the name fool you I am a 64 female) it is what it is,

[Sc12Coco]

Yes. I have many disabilities. A friend I've I know for years. We used to go out every Wednesday. Shops and a cafe. Since I can't get out much at all. She has completely dropped me. I know how you feel. She tx one day and said..

I was right by your house picking a friends child from school. ( 2 school's near me) . She could have just knocked . Too much to ask for I suppose.

You are no alone x

[Mutleyforever]

so sorry to hear this, I am afraid very few people can understand the full extent how this affects us, maybe if she had called around to visit you she could get a little closer to the truth! Most people can only view and judge from the sidelines and unfortunately the name ibs has connotations of something trivial, not serious or life impacting. I know this topic has come up before, on this site, and unfortunately is still relevant. All I can say is rise above it ….if you can. Best wishes

[calista in reply to Mutleyforever]

Hi.Thanks for your reply.

I think it's only people who have ibs who understand .

I have ibs D so it's the anxiety of it as well .

I often take some immodium for going out to allay the worry of it.And that works.

But this time it didn't...had been awake all night.

And meet up with other friends who I know would be sympathetic and not be insulted if I have to cancel !

It's consoling to hear that others have had the same problem...makes me feel less weird .

Thanks again for reply .

Best wishes to you too.

[Maureen1958]

My friends all gradually disappeared, occasionally I hear from someone when they are going through a bad patch themselves about something but generally it's just me and my husband, as I rearly leave the house unless it's for hospital appointments these days.

[Trec]

I don’t think it helps that some people diagnose themselves as having IBS when not understanding that it’s not just being bloated sometimes or having indigestion but how badly it affects one’s life and the pain and exhaustion it causes. It was the same when I had bad migraines which are far more than just the headaches some people think they are. There seems to be so many people nowadays identifying themselves as having IBS it downgrades the condition for those of us for whom it has a serious impact. With both the above I found people who just didn’t understand that you sometimes have to cancel arrangements, so much so that I eventually withdrew from making any and now rarely go out socially.

[Luisa22]

I'm really sorry this happened to you Calista. Most people who don't have IBS do not understand IBS. Sometimes they can think it's an excuse or something. The problem with IBS is, that when we are feeling (and probably looking) most horrible, we stay at home and no one else sees us. When we have times we are coping or not so bad, we can look fine and act normally!

And coupled to that is what is very common ; nobody discusses bowel movements. That is something people don't generally talk about. So we often put on a brave face, and don't let family and friends know too many details.

Another thing is, with some people, IBS can come and go. And sometimes we can eat certain foods, and at other times we can't. So friends who don't understand IBS wonder what's the matter with us! When we were okay...last week/yesterday/the last time they saw us/ etc.

All I can say is maybe you need to break some taboos and talk to your friend about what it's like for you. She/ he would have to have a heart made of steel to not listen and take that on board even if they are lucky enough not to know what it's like, personally.

If that turns out to be the case let that friend go. Yes, it is sad.

[Linley]

Yes I have, but as the saying goes 'what goes around comes around'. Two years after I got married I met up with my bridesmaid, she apologised to me for the way she reacted when I used to have school lunch with her and her grandparents and couldn't eat it. She apparently experienced the same tum issues as me

[JulieB5200]

Hi, I totally understand because I’m in a similar situation today! Last night I dared to have a Chinese takeaway and boy did I suffer 😪.I had a mixture of severe indigestion going right through into my back. I had ibs cramps and going to the loo. I was on a cocktail of gaviscon liquid,rennies and camomile tea all evening. Went to bed in pain but eventually fell asleep . This morning my insides feel extremely fragile and I know today my diet needs to be very bland.However I have my uncle driving over 100 miles to see me and take me out for lunch 🫣. I have checked the online menu at the pub and it’s debatable whether I can stomach any of it. So I may have to offer to make him something at my house and avoid going out. I find it embarrassing especially with people who don’t know you that well.My husband and sons are used to it and are really understanding. If we ever go out for meals my son checks the menus for me. It’s sad your friend doesn’t understand but I’d say she’s not really a good friend if this is the case. Don’t feel bad,you have done nothing wrong.xx

[calista in reply to JulieB5200]

Hi Julie.I hope today went OK for you .

Does your uncle know about ibs ?

The thing about my friend is that the time I had to cancel and she,was cross...I had actually invited her to go out ! Hard to explain but I would be nervous to try again ...which woukd bring on the ibs !

I've been out with other friends since as I don't expect them to react badly if I have to cancel therefore I don't become anxious .

Even then I take immodium beforehand so I can relax.!

Life is hard enough..I m an older person and my husband is ill with dementia and is now in a care home which is heartbreaking .

Luckily it's very close by so I can visit every day

.

Its lovely that your husband and children understand and are on board ...it must help to a degree. !

So I hope your day was fine.

Best wishes

[JulieB5200 in reply to calista]

Hi 👋 thank you for your reply. Yesterday I’m thankful to say I was much better. I checked the menu out online and there was literally one thing I felt wouldn’t upset my gut!A plain beef and cheese sandwich which I managed to eat. My uncle has no clue about my health issues as I only see him a couple of times a year. I only share with my closest friends and family. I really feel for you with your situation regarding your husband. My mum had dementia for the last ten years of her life and it was extremely difficult. My dad was able to care for her with my help . She passed away during covid and I miss her so very much. She always knew who I was despite not being aware of much else. You take care of yourself and surround yourself with people who truly love and care for you. Ibs is a horrible condition but we can be thankful it isn’t life threatening albeit life changing.Sending love xx

[Luisa22]

I'm sorry about your husband. Dementia is heartbreaking for loved ones. You must feel quite worried about him and sad I am sure. It's great that you are close by and can visit every day.

You need friends who can give you kindness understanding and some support.

I hope that the friend who was annoyed with you has a re-think and comes around. It's amazing sometimes the lack of understanding about IBS and what it's really like to live with it.