Is anyone else struggling with allowing themselves to eat over Christmas? I feel I ate too much and now need to cleanse my body again.

[Citylife]

Wondered if anyone is feeling the same as me. I feel I ate far too much over Christmas, my family was keeping a close eye on me and I felt added pressure to eat more than I would normally do. They know I am trying to recover and thought by offering me extra foods to my normal 'safe' foods that it would help me. I went along with it as didn't want ot cause a fuss but was racked with guild afterwards and had terrible stomach pains. Now I feel really bad inside, guilty that I allowed myself to eat as much and was not stronger to resist, I feel I need to some how cleanse my body and feel the only way I can do that is cut back on my eating and exercise more again. I know this is dangerous as it could lead to a vicious downward spiral but I can't cope with the anorexic voice getting louder and it has been quieter today when I ate less.

[Eatingdisordersdevon]

Hi, well done for sharing this, it sounds like you have a really good understanding of what is going on however you are finding it difficult to cope with it. Are you sharing how you are feeling with anyone else? As you say, you know that it is dangerous to cut back on eating and to exercise more again, the anorexic voice in your head may be getting louder because you have been doing exactly the right thing and it doesn't like it.....well done, you are fighting back. It can be really, really hard to stick on the path that you know is correct, do try and share this with someone close if you can who can give you added support. Dont let the eating disorder send you on a downwards spiral again...keep fighting and keep in touch

[Citylife in reply to Eatingdisordersdevon]

Hi thanx for your reply it is great knowing i'm not alone in this and that there are people out there who understand how I am feeling, can relate to it and offer words of advice and encouragement. Unfortunatley I've cut back on what I have eaten in the last few days and am back down to 500 calories.I know it is wrong and the last thing I should be doing but I sort of feel better and the voice is quieter for now. I feel if I can do this for a few weeks then I will feel better about what I ate at Christmas and can then slowly increase what I eat again but using safe foods this time. As soon as my stomach starts to look flat again then I will feel better to as it reinforces me thinking I am too fat. I will keep fighting this and it is great to know I can contact you if I need to.

[Ludovica]

I feel the same and i feel awful. I feel a total failure , i have just done 4 months treatment in a residential place for anarexia and bulimia where i have spent lot of money which i really couldn't afford but i couldn carry on in that way and most of all I have been apart from my kids causing lots of problems and worries to them and my husbund. I really got better and I was very happy and proud. The minute after I left the centre during christmas i had a relapse and then another one and again and again. I feel extremely down i feel i have waisted money, i have left my lovely kids and my husbund, for nothing, i feel i have let down the people wto took care of me inthe residential place. I just dont know what to do now, meantime i am back to work as the company i work for was going to terminate my contract if i hadn't gone back to work. I have done all that for nothing, i have really worked hard, lots of tears and a big big effort for nothing. Obviously it is just my fault why i cannot put in practise all the skills and tools i have learned during those 4 months. ??my husbund says he will help me now and he really means it but he is not aware that i am going down again and that all the progressess i have done during my residential treatment have all gone. Why that?? I am so crossed , i have also seen a girl dying during those 4 months, it was very upsetting but still i havent learned how terrible can be this awful desease. Why i cannot beat it?? I feel so depressed i really need support and motivation as this time if i go deep down again i dont think i will be able to get myl motivation back, i feel like i am giving up.

Ludovica

[Citylife in reply to Ludovica]

Hi, please don't give up. Anorexia has robbed us of too much of our lives already. I know it is hard but we have to keep fighting, I have been trying to take it an hour at a time as if I think of days it gets too much. I set myself a goal for that hour and try to meet it. I went back to work today and that helped as it took my mind off things for a while. Unfotunately at break times and and at lunch time the voice came screaming back, I managed a small victory as I had a cup-a-soup and a yogurt only 125 calories in both but better than yesterday. I'm going to try that again tomorrow. Try small goals to and don't beat yourself up if you don't manage, just keep trying. Keep in touch and let me know how you are doing.

[Hidden]

Yes, I think I can identify with this. It has been a big temptation to try to compensate for eating too much over Christmas. I am trying to look at it rationally i.e. it was good for me and if I can do it then why can't I carry on? To eat more normally with others is an achievement and not a failure. I try to ignore the anorexic voice yelling. Why do we have to hurt others around us by giving into that voice? That's a battle I feel very much.

"Yesterday" is "yesterday" and I should only look at the present and eat better. Just today, now. No easy answers but if we have the will power to resist eating then why can't we acquire the will power to get better?

[Citylife in reply to Hidden]

Hi, I can relate to what you are saying, I keep trying to tell myself that I needed to eat what I did over Christmas but I can't get past the feelings I am greedy and don't deserve to eat that amount of food. My stomach looks so huge that it reinforces that I need to lose weight and then I will look ok again, I was managing to eat better and it hadn't really affected my stomach but all that changed and I freaked out. I think the thing that scared me the most was how quickly the anorexic voice came back with a vengence as soon as I began to cut back. So I know I need to keep eating to try to quieten it, but it is so hard I start to shake and feel dizzy if I eat. I have managed to eat a bit more today around 500 calories. Thanks for your reply it's great to know there are people out there who understand me and can offer advice and support.