Today, exactly today Dec 9, I was diagnosed MBC. Six years ago. I'm going strong ...well on somedays! Why am I not celebrating? I've been at this stupid cancer ride for 14.5 years now. I really wanted to celebrate today, but I'm not. Only reason I can think of is: if I do celebrate will I be jinxing myself? Nothing makes sense with cancer. Not sure if I want to cry or scream! I really just wanted to celebrate and now the day is almost over. I HATE cancer!!!
Thanks for letting me say this. I just needed to say it out loud.
Melinda
Written by
bankusboysmom
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
OMG, bankusboysmom, I can totally relate! I've been afraid to even think about it and am about to reach 5 years and hit a really weird state of mind about this. If I had imagined I'd live this long, would I have done things differently? Yes! Now that I suspect I might live until 10 years, WTF do I do? To my friends, I've called it a strange "existential crisis", in part because Websters declared that "existential" is the word of the year! It certainly is for me!
Living scan-to-scan is so limiting, while envisioning a future of several or many years is like an open void. But to consider that future is to curse it, right?
I think you can celebrate and say it out loud. If the universe is waiting to jinx you, hopefully she's not so cruel as to strike you with lightening!
But, seriously, I've not articulated it well, above, but I've been struggling with the same thing...
Thank you, Lynn. So nice to know others struggle with the same thing. I had a really good ugly cry, which made me feel better. Then I washed my face, used tons of eye drops, and got myself a bottle of champagne and celebrated. I have no idea the future, but I celebrated today!
Thank you! I had myself an ugly cry, then washed my face, put in lots of eye drops, and got myself a bottle of champagne! I've almost finished it. Goodness knows how I'll feel tomorrow, but tonight I celebrated!
I know. I ve been thru purgatory lately and I’m still up and down. You sometimes have to force yourself to make a choice: stay in the toilet and spend your days mourning for yourself or go for the joy. It’s hard. I tell myself we only die one day. I can’t live the rest of my life as a dress rehearsal for that one day. Of course it doesn’t always work and sometimes you have to cry. But I thought no it’s what we have to strive for. Congrats! 🎈🎊 🍾
I think you need to hear that there is absolutely nothing “wrong” with you for having these conflicting feelings. How can you “celebrate” you understandably ask yourself? Oh, for the blissful belief of unlimited horizons like when we were kids or before a lousy MBC diagnosis. It is entirely reasonable to feel like you’re on a tightrope.
With all that said, please also realize that it is inspirational for all of us to know that folks like you are out there. Every time I hear about someone like you I pray that these new drugs will allow us longer and longer disease free progression.
So, while you may not want to “celebrate” per se, I hope you can accept that you deserve to be happy and embrace that the drugs are doing their job for you. Go do something nice for yourself like a pedicure with a bold color, or schedule a massage, or treat yourself to an extra special glass of wine. You earned this!
Thank you so much! I've always felt I'm standing on a rug, just waiting for it to be yanked (is that a word?) out from under me. Never thot of myself as an inspiration, but I'll think about that now. I hope I can encourage others. I did have myself an ugly cry, then washed my face, used lots of eye drops, got myself a bottle of champagne and celebrated. We ALL deserve to be happy..thanks for reminding me.
Hi Melinda,
I can really relate to how you are feeling, so you have come to the right place to vent! Your feelings are valid and I can see where you are coming from.
First off, congratulations for doing well. I know that you said you did not feel like celebrating, but it is a victory.
I have also been experiencing similar feelings to you lately. I saw my oncologist last month and she told me I was stable and that the tumour is continuing to shrink. So that's six consecutive stable CT scans with shrinkage reported each time since I started treatment. If I look at my radiology reports from this past October and this time last year it is clear that there has been significant improvement. But rather than feel elated I just felt like I had been given a reprieve until next time. It feels like I am on death row. So yes, I can see why you did not feel like celebrating yesterday.
With this diagnosis and prognosis, we are faced with the very real possibility of death. While many people are oblivious to this sort of thing and carry on their lives as normal, we have basically been told what we will die of. So unless we die accidentally, through other means or a cure is discovered, we have to face the possibility that breast cancer will claim our lives.
But having said that, I am hopeful that a cure will be found for us, so that we do not have to live under the shadow of metastatic breast cancer any longer than is absolutely necessary.
Hi SophieYou have just wrote down how i feel to the T . When you said that you feel like you are on death row is how i feel all the time . Yes we have pretty much been told how we die . Scan to Scan is how i life . I have good and bad days but the feeling of when the news is coming is always on my mind .
Nobody understands that feeling unless you have been told the news we had to hear . Im so glad i have you guys to know that im not alone with this .
It's been a year since I posted my response, but I still feel the same way. Those of us with metastatic breast cancer have a different perspective to early stage breast cancer patients. So yes, it is hard going from scan to scan and waiting to hear the news we all dread to hear. But we are also living during a time where new treatments are coming out, treatments are extending progression free survival and we can also do a lot ourselves to improve our outcome. Having good and bad days is normal, but I try to make sure the good days far outweigh the bad days. It is not good for our immune systems and overwell sense of wellbeing if we are down a lot of the time. I hope you feel better soon.
You've said what we all feel, I sometimes forget my Death sentence, and then when I remember I get so stymied . I get very angry sometimes being on this roller coaster, but then have to reprimand myself because I have been so very blessed. It's just that constant fear , always there at the back of my mind !
But reading that others feel same way is very comforting.
Wow. I was thinking the same thing today! I’ve only been doing the drug regiment since May of this year and wonder why I continue. My body’s responding to the drugs but the fact I have to do this for the rest of my life is depressing. And how long is it going to be? On most days I put on a brave face but on shot day it’s hard. 😢
Go for it Melinda your more than entitled to hate cancer I’m with you on that one . Some days I thank god im still here and then like you I want to scream at the world . Never mind tomorrow’s another day . Your in my thoughts and I know it’s no consolation but I think we all at some time feel the same but we are here to support and listen any time you like or feel like a good rant it does you good to release sometimes .Take care carol .
I'm with you, Melinda! My ride started in September 2000. I was home free until MBC arrived without an invitation in November 2017. I'm at my 2-year metaversary and PRAY I can go another 4 years like you. BUT I DO HEAR YOU! How can we ever celebrate if the next scan dashes our hope?
God bless you, sweet Mama Bankus! You are my meta-sister, and I celebrate you today! XXOO
There is nothing wrong with you. I was diagnosed MBC a few months before you. I think the problem is for me, that the day of my diagnosis is not a day I wish to commemorate in any way. Certainly not celebrate. I dont know what day of the month it was. I mark my years of survival when I get my fall scans. This is a hard ride, and when I was diagnosed the thing I wanted most was to have a normal day where I didn't wake up wondering how long I had. Well, I've gotten that wish, and everyday I go through and make a mental note of all the things I'm grateful for since my diagnosis. It has really helped me a lot. When I eventually face progression, I know I will regress into depression, but for now, all's good.
Living with MBC is such a roller coaster ride! A friend-with-mets calls it a roller coaster ride with a blind fold on. I think of it like a journey through territory with land mines........ It sure isn't like it was before this diagnosis! So unpredictable, so out of our control. We can do absolutely every thing right, take our meds, keep out appts, and still have the blasted cancer do nasty things! But some of us do well for long periods of time, and none of every know what's just around the corner, before cancer, without cancer, and with cancer. So don't be hard on yourself about having strong feelings...feelings that pop up, feelings that linger, feelings that surprise or confuse or overwhelm us. It's an odd way to live with all kinds of surprises. I've learned alot but I'm never sure it's worth it....... Know that we understand .
Content on HealthUnlocked does not replace the relationship between you and doctors or other healthcare professionals nor the advice you receive from them.
Never delay seeking advice or dialling emergency services because of something that you have read on HealthUnlocked.
First scan results - mixed news
A bit of a set back
Trying quitting sugar after tumor grew an inch in 3 months
Afinitor/Everolimus and Tamoxifen is next :(
CT scan results
