I've had an interesting experience which upset me quite a lot to start with but I thought I'd share it with you.
My son who is 21 was home from the states for a couple of weeks to sort his visa. One night he came home from the pub quite upset and reluctant to tell me what had happened. But I eventually got it out of him that there had been a row (I suspect alcohol was involved) and the other person involved (Chris) had ended the argument with the words 'and your mum is dying from cancer'. Sounds like a school yard taunt but this man is 42yrs old and old enough to know better.
At first I was upset and shaken by the words and then I started to think. Yes I'm stage 4, it's in my bones and has just progressed to my liver, but I'm not dying. Far from it. I'm living with cancer. And I'm living well with cancer. (Which I have talked to my son about.)
That realisation has given me quite a lot of strength.
Then I had to consider how I was going to deal with Chris. Don't get me wrong, I would never normally intervene in an argument involving my son in the pub but I didn't feel I could leave it hanging. This is a small community and everyone had heard what was said.
Last night I was in the pub and Chris walked in, it's been a couple of weeks and I think he thought it had been forgotten, especially as my son has returned to the States, but as I said it's a small community, most of whom were in the pub last night. I was chatting to a friend when Chris came over and joined in as though nothing had happened. My opportunity, especially as most of the conversation had stopped with people waiting for the fight to start. 😊
Very sweetly I said 'Chris, it's come to my attention that you are worried about my health. I just want to assure you that I'm not dying. I have cancer but I'm very much living with it, not dying. Now I don't want you to worry about me, but I appreciate your concern.'
Ladies, I wish you could have seen the expression on his face. He just didn't know what to do. Everyone in the building was listening and he obviously wanted the ground to swallow him! He stuttered an apology and then ran. I'd made my point to him and to the rest of the community. I'm still smiling and he might think next time before saying something so horrible.
I really hope this doesn't sound too petty, but sometimes we have to make a stand.
Written by
Julie2233
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Before my diagnosis I would have let it pass, but not anymore 🙂 We have enough crap to deal with. I have to admit when the incident happened I'd only just found out about the progression and was feeling pretty low, but it did make me think. And I'm not going to let people think I'm dying and have to deal with all the pitying looks that generates 😊 Jx
You are my hero. You delivered a really classy dress down. Something for me to recall when, as opposed to if, I am in a similar situation. As you say in Britain, “brilliant!”
I did have a couple of weeks to think about it, but it made me feel as though I'd taken back the floor. It also made me realise that I'm not going to let anyone turn me into a victim, and that's a good feeling.
For a few weeks now I've been really troubled about our situation .Just can't stop thinking about the worst and how hard it will be for my kids (grown up)left behind.
I'm going to try to turn my thinking around...LIVING !
I think we all have thoughts like that. I'd started to think less about what might happen and then I found out about the progression and I was struggling with the dark thoughts again. But this incident turned my thinking around and made me realise that I really am living with cancer and that's all 😊
I never used to say boo to a goose but I really am tired of being treated as though I don't matter and it seems to have made me stronger. I hate conflict so I stand up for myself with a smile (and sometimes gritted teeth) but I won't be browbeaten anymore - it's completely liberating. And I had 2 weeks to think about what I was going to say, when and how 😊
I'm sure you could do exactly the same if you put your mind to it!
It's hard to master Winston Churchill's wit but I think it is ok to borrow from him. Legend has it that when Lady Astor chastised him for being drunk, he agreed and added, "But tomorrow I will be sober and you will still be ugly." For example, you or your son could say, "Paraphrasing the late great Winston Churchill, tomorrow Mum will still be doing well, but you will still be clueless and tone deaf."
Someone - a chap - once made reference to me being a little rotund!!! Cheeky sod so I said something similar along the lines of well, I can go on a diet, you'll always be an ugly bald b******!!!! :):)):). He carried on being abusive so I told him to go iron his wrinkly old face pahahaha. I'm usually a nice positive person and wouldn't dream of being mean to anyone - not unless they call me fat!
Great job re-education has this man & town. I also live in small town & hate even to go out as I’ll run into a well-wisher who loudly says How ARE (with emphasis-& likely thinking; I thought she’d be dead by now she’s stage 4) YOU! I do not wish to speak about my cancer to those who I’m not friendly enough to go to movies or dinner or even speak on phone! Glad I’m moving to California—next time will be the holidays—maybe when I send out Christmas cards I’ll explain like you did: hey, bewsflash to we’ll-wishers: “I’m not dying & do NOT want to explain that every time I see you. I forget that I have cancer because I’m in remission (sort of); so please stop asking “HOW ARE YOU” cuz it’s like a trigger and is already hard for me to shove it out of my
Head and live in denial that my days are numbered—even though I WILL be trying very hard to recite my new mantra I learned from you: I’m not dying; I’m living with chronic cancer which is being effectively treated until a CURE is found!
I don’t know how to sugar coat that; but I’ll work on it!
It used to be “hows your mom (who lived with me 13 years before entering Assisted Living for Alzheimer’s 5 years ago—she is also on medication that slows progression & maybe those who use small talk should not if you don’t know what to say—don’t say anything; it certainly makes me feel better when I’m not asked about it. My aunt had 5 kids that result in an annual family party of 50 cousins etc—she had breast removed about 50 years ago is now 80–we never ever asked her how she was feeling & they all know about me but don’t ask! Must be a universal breast cancer thing! It’s so hard to talk small talk about such a serious condition!
Thanks, off my soapbox!
My new mantra:
To myself:
“Living for a cure; not dying; please don’t ask again; no news is good news well letcha know when to be concerned—for now remission equines not to ask about it every time we run into each other.
To associates/well-wishers:
“living the dream; chronic illness is being treated until a cure is found; thanks how are you”
Not everybody can be pleased. There are some women that get very upset if their friends don't ask and some that get upset if they do. I don't hold grudges or make judgments either way. I realize that they are not sure what to do and until I was diagnosed I would have been the same way. I don't say stage iv anymore...I just say mbc and that is that.
When people ask how I am I always smile and give the same answer 'really well, thank you' however I'm feeling. I think most people either just want to show their concern, or want reassurance that you are not going to meltdown in front of them and they will need to do something. People are stil scared of cancer and don't know how to deal with it and we have to deal with their fear - sorry I'm not having my own rant! 😊
Bravo Julie! I really appreciate your sharing this experience and especially how you handled it so wonderfully. Sometimes people can be insensitive but if done with malice, that makes it worse.
I am really impressed with how you handled the situation. It doesn't sound petty at all.
I can't think why this man would feel the need to say that about you in a packed pub. The way he blurted it out sounds cruel. But whatever his motives were, you did the right thing. Maybe now he will think twice before acting so cruelly.
I don't find it easy to deal with cruelty, so I often find myself ignoring people's unkind remarks and trying to move on. Some people excuse their rudeness and say they have "thick skin" and that they just like to express how they feel, but why should I fall into line with other people who feel the need to tear others down? They are not worthy of my attention.
It's just an excuse for bad manners. I was once told by a senior manager that she wasn't able to control her own temper. I was never able to really respect her despite her being very good at her job.
That's exactly right, Julie! There is absolutely no excuse for that type of behaviour. I can see why you did not respect your manager for losing her temper. Of course she could control her emotions if she really wanted to, but she chose to give in and lose people's respect into the bargain. That's why I cannot tolerate people who are rude, cruel and malicious. If anyone says anything about me, I can tolerate it to a certain extent. But if they make mention of my family or worse, my deceased relatives, then that is when I cannot handle it. So that would go a long way in explaining why so many of these people are on their own. No one wants to be around people like that.
I love your response. Its sometimes exhausting to have to explain that my cancer is just like any other chronic illness. It’s funny how we get tested different than someone with chronic diabetes , heart disease , or other chronic illness. I recently read someone use the word “Thrive” instead of survive. That us my new mutto. “I am thriving and living my best life with stage 4 breast cancer”. This is how I know respond to those “How Are You Doing” well wishing questions.
Good job handling that situation and setting him straight.
What an immature insensitive a**hole he must be - fancy throwing that in someone's face, no matter how heated the argument, there are some things you just don't do. Good for you, putting him in his place and at the same time taking the moral high ground. Well done. xxx
I think you handled the situation brilliantly. I probably would have gone off on him. I shall remember your response for future. Some people can be jerks.
Good for you! I know MBC makes us tough. We have to be fighters to live with this disease. We are like mama bears, don't mess with our cubs. We will fight back.
That was an amazing response to him. I am not sure I could have been so gracious but it was the best. Good for you and I hope he thinks twice about what he says.
HOORAY FOR YOU!! What a cruel comment to your son!! Can’t imagine what pain that inflicted upon him, let alone you. You handled this guy with CLASS and MAYBE taught him something new about cancer! 👍👍
Without a doubt, I am sure alcohol was involved in both sides. Maybe he didn't even remember what he said (blackouts) but at least you said something to him, so next time he will think. But too much alcohol lowers a person's inhibitions. I have a friend that I know is an alcoholic but she gets angry with me if I reference that to her. She is a functioning alcoholic in that she works at a good job but starts drinking on Friday night and does not stop until Sunday. When she is drinking, she tells me things that I know she would NOT want me to know but she never remembers the next day. If you wind up in jail bc of your drinking and lose temporary custody of your child, well then maybe its time to realize alcohol plays a part. But I stopped saying anything bc I realize she was never recognize that about herself.
There was drink involved but neither were drunk, I'd describe them as 'merry' but that doesn't seem appropriate and I wouldn't normally get involved in a squabble like this except I was dragged in by the comment. My husband has a habit of disclosing all my private medical information in the pub and it's taken a long time for me to get back to the stage of not receiving pitying looks when I go in.
He knew exactly what he'd said and he knew he'd overstepped the mark. I know this by his reaction. If someone thanks you for being concerned about their health you don't mumble an apology and leg it.
It's hard to watch someone with an alcohol problem, it must be very upsetting for you.
I have accepted that she is an adult, has two children and that she will never recognize or validate the fat that she is an alcoholic. I can tell when she calls me immediately if she has been drinking. Funny thing is she ONLY drinks beer, but a lot of it. No other type of liquor. I figure at this point, it's her life and I no longer say anything. She never gets into a car when drinking and her older son will drive her if she is drinking so they are aware also. But if a person cannot acknowledge that they have a problem, there is not much you can do. She is an adult like me and can make her own choices. She does not remember what she said to me the night before and if I tell her, she will deny it and then I say Seriously, do you think I would make this up? She knows she drinks too much but like I said she is a functioning alcoholic in that she has a good job, has bought her own home, etc. but she also says things when drinking that hurt people but she doesn't remember.
Her children are not babies. Her son is 22 and out of the house but lives close by and her daughter is now 17. The incident happened when her daughter was 11 and then was living with the father. Then she did not want to see her mother bc of the incident when she attacked Brooke's father and got arrested. Then the Courts at first let her have supervised visits and then they said she could stay over if and when Christine had a room for her all done. So she sold her townhouse, bought a two family and then the Court let her decide and she wanted to live with her mother. She was at that age 13 when a girl needs a mother. Neither one of children drink. But she is not a nasty drunk. Some people get nasty when they drink....she just gets talkative. The most important thing is that she does not drink and drive. If she has been drinking and needs something from the store, she will call her son who lives a few blocks away. She has a great job, she bought her own two family house and rented the other apt. to her sister, paid for her own car. What I call a functioning alcoholic. She can also take any large item from Ikea and put it together in the shortest amount of time. I can barely work my remote LOL
I don't see in person often bc she works full-time and on weekends has shopping, laundry to do and she lives in Staten Island and I live in Brooklyn. We email constantly. but the past few months has been heck. In April, she had to take FMLA from work bc her father who lives alone but also about 20 minutes away started dementia and they had to rush him to hospital and the hospital was not going to release him unless somebody was with him for 24 hours per day. He had a UTI and he went a little nuts. Then the dementia started. Her and sister did not want their father put in a nursing home so they said they would stay with him. They took 12 hour shifts, staying in his home, so they were not at their own house and he was getting worse and worse and my friend was finding it very hard to see her father not recognize her or his behavior. This went on for like four months and then he was complaining of pain and they brought him to hospital where doctors found a large mass. They said he was too weak to operate and no chemo and it was time to put him in hospice. They put him in on Monday, he died on Friday, the same day he got approval from Medicaid for a home aide bc she and her sister both were about to have nervous breakdowns. He was getting worse and worse. Its only been two months so now she is feeling very depressed. But she always invites me over for holidays and I sleep there for a few days. I stopped going over for a while bc my little material cloth luggage wheelie ripped. So for Xmas she sent me from Amazon a beautiful piece of luggage on wheels with a lock (still wrapped) so that I can't have an excuse not to go over there. She does not go out to clubs or bars. She prefers being home in her backyard with a six pack. She loves Huskie and i like that when she went to a Huskie adoption center, she took a 12 year old Huskie whose family had moved and didn't want to take him. She felt bad. She is also fostering two cats and her daughter has a bunny. LOL
You sound very fond of your friend, she sounds quite a character. From what you have said it sounds as the only person impacted by her drinking now is herself and the cost to her health as she gets older, and to you - having your ear bent when she has been drinking. She's provided her children with a home, does not rely on some one else for financial support, she holds down a job, doesn't disgrace herself getting drunk in bars and starting fights, and worked with her sister to take care of her elderly father in his final months and cares for animals. And her bad behaviour happened years ago and no one knows what's happening in someone else's marriage.
It's hard to watch someone we love engaging in behaviour we don't agree with or know is going to harm them, but sometimes friendship is about having your say and then butting out, but being ready to be there if they need you. As long as their behaviour isn't damaging to your health. She sounds like a caring person who could be good fun.
Living in a small community has a lot of advantages and some disadvantages. I love where I live but I really don't want people thinking about which hat they will wear for my funeral 😊 I think he learnt his lesson.
Do people in your neighborhood really think like that? That because you have MBC, you are terminal. The odd thing is most of my friends know others that have MBC or stage iv so they know its more of a chronic illness. So not many of them think like that because they know people who have been alive for years with stage iv or have a coworker who knows somebody. My friend said she recently learned her neighbor of five years is stage iv. She said she never mentioned it (they were not that close) and then they became friendly and she told her.
Older people do, and have expected my immediate demise from my initial primary breast cancer diagnosis. They don’t understand the difference between primary and metastatic cancer. It doesn't help that my husband goes in looking for sympathy.
Older people grew up in a world where a cancer diagnosis was an immediate death sentence and many have lost loved ones to it. The younger generation are the complete opposite and expect it to be cured and don’t really understand how serious it is.
They don’t mean harm or to cause offence. But i’ve spent a lot of time making sure that people understand that i’m not in god’s waiting room and I really don’t want to go back to the hushed and kind enquires about my well being
It’s impossible to keep things quiet here. I went to the chemo suite for my first chemo session 3 years ago and I knew five ladies there waiting for treatment.
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