My husband is driving me mad - and not in a good way. Obviously when I was first dx it was horrendous for us all. My husband does suffer from some anxieties anyway and its really knocked him sideways. He stopped working which admittedly he was coming to appointments with me so it suited at the time, but he got where he wasnt able to speak on the phone and wasnt wanting to go out to work as it made him nervous.
My problem is this; we're now into the third month following dx and although he's not as bad, he's still like this to some extent. He's done a few random days and last week a full week's work but thats about it - he drives HGVs and is with an agency who said theres nothing available this week but he's not gone out of his way to try other agencies.
Now dont get me wrong, normally he's a really hard worker. Ive seen him drag himself to work when really ill so its not that he's lazy and I definitely believe its the anxieties.
Ive tried being understanding and supportive, however, rightly or wrongly Im losing patience and we had a massive bust up recently because he wouldnt ring the agency and wouldnt admit why.
I shouted at him and said dont you think Im scared every minute of every day ..... and Im not proud to say I told him to get a ******* grip! I know its not that easy but christ, I need him to be strong for me, not the other way round. He wont get medical help, Ive suggested it.
All this is extra worry I dont need as, asude from wirrying about him, the burden is all on me to pay the mortgage and bills etc. Its just fortunate I have a good well paid job and my company are paying me in full while Im off. And what if I want to reduce my hours, what do we do then? Its honestly not just about money though, its about him getting out and getting back to some sort of normal and me being able to lean on him for a change.
Has anyone had anything similar and has anyone got any suggestions?
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Mindysooty
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I’m not the one to advise you as my husband problem is different to yours as he had retired when I was diagnosed...I on the other hand was working
Men can behave strangely when this happens to their partner..you probably read a post of mine where I had a big bust up with him
He more or less told everyone he saw about my diagnosis...e.g bloke who runs the paper shop...vague acquaintances etc
Someone on here did suggest there’s a bit of narcissism or attention seeking involved...’look at poor me I have a wife with mbc’...I think they look for some pity whereas I’m the one who doesn’t want it!!!
Maybe your husband is just bewildered and doesn’t know what to do....it’s early days...it’s a year since my diagnosis and we’re still all mixed up...working is probably the best therapy for him and will distract him from the situation you’re in...and bring in some cash!!!
I’m pleased to hear you had a row and you told him off...might give him a kick in the backside...fgs it’s you who have the mbc...he’s ok and needs to be supporting you not the other way round
I’m very independent and hate being fussed over and prefer to go to appointments on my own...I’m often the only one in the waiting room without a friend/partner...however he just annoys me especially if the consultation is running late...more often than not!... so I just take a book and read....
The point I’m trying to make is that men react very differently to one another..some are overprotective..some go to pieces and some are in denial and can’t cope....look after yourself first...he’ll eventually sort himself out but remember that stressing about your husband isn’t any good for your health
Sorry I’ve rambled on but mbc affects the whole family and is very hard for some more than others
Yeah I remember you mentioned your husband telling everyone. My dad did that and as much as I love him, I think there was an attention seeking element. Im the same with not wanting fuss I think thats half the problem. Everyone inc my hubby sees me as the strong one. I go on my own to appointments now. No point everyone sitting about waiting. It was just at first cos I was so scared and emotional. I do need to put myself first for once but I suppose like most women we find it hard. My daughter told me mum your problem is you just dont know how to look after yourself. But he's an adult and youre right, let him sort himself out. Thanks Barb xx
I knew I was going to have problems with my husband as soon as I suspected I had bc. He lost his mother to it when he was in his mid 20s and has always suffered from anxiety and stress which i’ve always believed was due to this.
He worked away and I was lucky that he was away when I got my first diagnosis which gave me time to get a support network in place for him before I told him. I selected a group of his supportive male friends who knew about his mental health problems. I briefed them on what i’d been told by the consultant so they could reinforce what I said and he was getting the same positive message from everyone. I also asked them to look surprised when he told them about my diagnosis 😊
I only took him with me to one appointment and that was a mistake. He cried all the way through it and distracted me from asking the questions I needed to.
I limit what I tell him as he has a tendency to tell all and sundry everything, which means I get get ambushed by well intended people asking questions about things i’m struggling to get my head around. If i’m not ready for something to go in the parish magazine I don’t tell him.
He won’t read any of the information I bring home because he is scared. His father had a tough time after his mum died. I heard that he’d been discussing my death with a neighbour in the pub a few weeks ago. He told him that he expects me to die next year because his mother died when she was 52 and i’ll be 52 next year! 😊 that really upset my son who heard the conversation. I reassured my son that I had no intention of going anywhere for quite some time!
At the same time he struggles to accept i’m ill. He makes few allowances for the side effects from my meds. Luckily I don’t suffer too much from them.
In a row before my mbc diagnosis he accused me of making a big thing out of having to have chem and radiotherapy! 😂
I am trying to get him to go for counselling and I suggest you do the same for your husband. The behaviour is from fear and it needs to be addressed. Also you need to accept that at the moment you are unlikely to have the energy you need to give him the support he needs. You can’t make it better for him. Engage his friends. Most people really want to help but just don’t know how. Tell them what you need them to do.
Then at the same time you need to find support for yourself. This site is great for that, but friends and family with a positive outlook can also help immensely. Ditch negative relationships and people who take too much energy.
Get out the house. That doesn’t mean you don’t love your husband but he needs to see you getting on with life. He needs to know that you aren’t going to die today and that he can leave you to go to work and live his life.
It’s early days yet. You both have to adjust to the new normal. Just don’t try to take everything on yourself, try to get him to find support both socially and professionally. If he objects explain that you are suggesting this for yourself as it will make you feel better if he has better support.
Sorry this is a bit of an essay but I hope it helps 🙂
Dont apologise at all. Thankyou for sharing and I think involving his friends is a really good shout. He does have some good close friends who I can involve so thats really useful practical advice.
My husband lost his mum mid 20s and I often think that why hes the way he is or at least contributes.
Can I just take a moment to applaud you though; doing all that before you told him, making sure everything was ready to support him when all the while you will have been going through the roller coaster of emotions we all go through. Wow! Thats real strength and I hope he knows how lucky he is. It must have been so hurtful for you when he said youre making a big deal of chemo and radiotherapy - it bloody well is a big deal! And to hear about discussions about your death - well, i cant even imagine but thank goodness you understand its about his mum dying. He could do with getting in this group and read all the positive stuff.
I have a fantastic support network thankfully. My adult kids have been amazing. I have a daughter with severe autism and my other two have really stepped up helping. Also with housework - who knew my 24 yr old son could do the washing lol. I also have a lot of good close friends who I can vent with which helps as theres only so much Id say to the kids.
It would def make me feel better if he got some help so Ill position it that way to him .
Don't applaud me 😊😂 I can assure you it was entirely selfish! I knew from experience what was going to happen when I broke the news. By getting his support in place I knew that I wasn't going to have to deal with the brunt of the storm. Completely selfish, but it gave me enough energy to be able to support my kids.
A while ago, a counsellor told me that even in this day and age with equal ops and fathers more involved in parenting, we as mothers are still the lynch pins of most families. And we keep that role even when we are hit by something serious, so we have to make sure we take care of ourselves first so we are still able to take care of everyone else. Like putting your own air mask on first if a plane depressurises 😊 I don't like it, I would love to be able to hand that role over for a little while but I've had to accept that for my family at least it's true. I see enrolling good friends as best use of resources 😊
Now please tell me how you have managed to explain the intricate working of the washing machine to your son??? That's something I always thought was just impossible!!
Ps - just one other thought, if you have the same gp, go and have a chat with him/her. They can't discuss your husband as that would be unethicical but you can talk about the effect his behaviour is having on you and how him having counselling would help you both. That way if you can persuade him to see the gp, the gp is aware of what's happening and you've suggested wha you would like to happen. Most people underplay stress when talking to the gp and you don't want the gp to not realise what's going on and send him away without help. This has worked for me 😊
Sorry I've been off line for a couple of days. We have different GPs unfortunately so that's not really an option. If i could get him to go, i would go with him because you're right, I think we all underplay it - I know I do for myself but if I'm speaking for someone else, I'll say it as it is. We're most definitely the lynch pin of families - I can't ever see that changing and to be honest, I love that role; it is just very tiring when something like this happens. As for my son, well, I'm not going to lie, I do sit and talk him through it hahahaha - as soon as I leave him to is I see a white t-shirt tangled in with darks or something equally as bad lol and he'd just wash everything on the same number lol.
xx Josie xx
Probably not appropriate, but after seeing, here, and experiencing similar, I keep hearing in my mind the lyrics from the opening song to "Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt" (great show, btw):
" They Alive, Dammit! But Females are strong as hell!"
I have no doubt that some of the people who care about me suffer much more than I do. Go figure.
Three months is still the very beginning of dealing with this lousy cancer! It really takes time to figure out how to live with it and it may be even harder in some ways for our partners because they really cannot do anything directly against the cancer while we get to take the meds, have the surgery, and whatever else is part of our treatment. Men want to be able to fix things for us and it can be really frustrating for them. My dear husband had to watch his first wife go downhill with multiple sclerosis. In a way I am grateful to her for "training" him for me! lol But it is seriously unfair for him. Anxiety can be really debilitating and needs treatment as much as cancer does! Some cancer centers have really great social workers or other therapist type people who can offer counseling to our families as well as to us. I had bone mets from the time of first diagnosis and have now been living with this cancer for over 15 years. My husband came to all my appts at first but now I go alone to appts that we expect to be routine and he joins me when we think there may be something new to discuss, though thankfully that has been less often than I expected. He will go to any appt I ask him to but I feel more independent and like myself when I go alone. That wouldn't work for everybody but it works well for us. He has several friends that he sees regularly. We are both retired and a group of his retired former work colleagues get together about once a month for breakfast. And he has a close friend that he sees every week. Our daughters are all grown and I have invited each of them to come to appts with me My daughter is the oldest and has come with me to appts. His two daughters haven't taken me up on that offer but do like to hear about my latest appts. I think it took me at least a year to settle down in my own head about having this cancer. I got a knot in my stomach driving into the cancer center parking lot for quite awhile and my blood pressure was always up........ I've gone to a number of bc and mbc conferences and met quite a few women living with mbc and I don't think I have met anybody who didn't feel pretty upset for quite a few months when first diagnosed. Time helps. Meeting others with mbc helps. So does getting reports that treatment is working! But that takes time........
sorry I've been offline for a couple of days. Thanks for your response. You're right it is very early days; my expectations are probably way too high. I've always been such a strong person and not everyone is the same. I just wish he'd pretend or something sometimes lol. I realise anxiety is an awful "invisible" illness and does need treating - I just wish I could make him see that. I'm sure he does really, he'll talk the talk but won't really do anything about it. I'm sure you right about giving it time to sink in. It really is very early days. We'll get there. Thanks again. x
I’ve dealt with similar issues to all you ladies and had the same “get a friggin grip” reaction to my husbands crying for three days after my diagnosis. I hate to sound selfish but I felt like he was making it all about him. He called everyone in his phone I think and would go on about it. Then when I saw his sister recently after diagnosis she never once asked about me and instead told me how she was worried about him and how he would get on without me. WTF??! I’m glad I can vent here. Don’t get me wrong he does try to support me in every way he can like doing most of the housework now and buying my favorite cookies at times but sometimes I just can’t deal with how this is affecting him when I’m trying to deal with how it’s affecting me!
Oh my goodness! I would have had words to say to your sister-in-law if that had been me. What a selfish reaction! Of course she is worried about her brother, but he is not the one diagnosed with this disease. She should have shown you some compassion too, along with your husband. Next time you speak to her, you might want to tactfully let her know how you feel. Maybe she genuinely made a mistake and didn't mean anything by what she said. But it might make her think if you let her know how her words made you feel.
My in-laws are concerned about my husband, but they always ask about me too, so at least I know that they care about me. I am quite close to one of my sisters-in-law, and more so since she was diagnosed with colon cancer right after my diagnosis. So we helped and supported each other along the way. She recently finished treatment, but I know that she is still there for me, and vice versa.
oh don't get me started about sister in law's. Mine's a moron lol. We don't really get on because she said, back in 2010 at my original dx, that I was making it up for sympathy. Can you believe someone would say that. And I can't believe your sister in law actually said that to you. How thoughtless can you get. Anyway, you're not being selfish, well if you are I am too because that's exactly what I mean, you've hit the nail on the head saying it's like it's about them. I find myself supporting him more than the other way around and sometimes I just get fed up. On the other hand, I realise anxiety must be horrible which I suppose is why most of the time I try to help him. Ooo blooming hubby's who'd have them, lol. Good job we love them isn't it xx
Hi Mindy,
It is so hard for family to cope with this diagnosis, but I agree that we are the ones who have metastatic breast cancer, not them! So we need to be supported and feel that we have our husbands, or other family members, to lean on.
What I would suggest is what I told my husband: to get your husband focused on something else other than your diagnosis whether that's getting back to work or working on a hobby. My husband loves to play golf, so I encourage him to do that with friends. It is his way of relaxing, and spending time with friends, which he needs.
Your husband sounds like he is very scared of losing you, but it is manifesting itself in the wrong way. I think once people realise we are not about to die imminently and that we (hopefully) have many more years ahead of us then we can focus more on living, rather than dying.
Some of that sounds like him but to be honest, he's more the other way like he's burying his head in the sand and saying everything the doctors are saying isn't right and talking about when we're in our 80s (I've just turned 55!!! I do of course hope he's right but well......who knows). It's like he's in denial. Which I know is contradictory to some of the other stuff I've mentioned but basically, I just don't think he knows if he's on his head or his bum with it all.
I do feel sorry for him (sometimes!). It's like this morning, he took a call from an agency (progress at least!) but then started rolling about saying he'd got chest pains because it scared him. I know it's awful but I just looked at him and thought FFS!!! I'm sorry, I know I must sound like a right cow, but this is where I'm at. I did end up checking on him - just in case he really was having a heart attack lol, but of course he wasn't and is fine.
I most definitely want him to focus on something else - preferably work so he can get some more money coming in for us! I don't mean for it to be all about finances - it's not and we are just about managing on my wage - but we do have to be realistic. I'm on long term sick at the moment and lucky enough to still be getting a full wage but that won't last forever and I may want or need to reduce my hours but as things stand right now, I do feel under pressure to go back to work to keep us going and I shouldn't have to feel like that. I suppose if/when that happens we'll manage, I guess people always do, but it is an extra worry I can do without.
I think the lady further up the thread is right, it is still early days for us - hopefully given a little more time, he'll straighten himself out.
Thanks for taking the time to respond. I do appreciate everyone's advice. Take care. xx
I hear what you are saying. It does sound like husband has not really processed things yet. But the fact he is talking about you living into your 80s shows he wants that long term future with you. He is not planning for life on his own, but living out his days with the woman he loves, and I like that. My husband does the same thing. I am 40 with an older husband, so living into my 50s and 60s, and hopefully longer is my dream. We just don't know what new drugs are around the corner or even when that breakthrough will come that cures us all. Now won't that be amazing?!
I would have a serious talk with your husband. Let him know that you need him to support you more, and that includes financially too. It is a big burden to have to carry when you are also living with metastatic breast cancer.
Money isn't everything, but it is still necessary to live. We can't just stop paying the bills. We need to know that we can cut back, or even stop working if needed, so that we can concentrate on our health. While you are able to work, that's great. But I'm sure the added pressure and stress must be tough because you don't feel like you have the option of stopping. I would let your husband know that one of the biggest ways he can help you is for him to work.
I've set him on with tiling the bathroom now lol. This is my new tactic - long list of DIY jobs. He'll be begging to get out to work by the time I've finished with him lol. x Thanks for all your advice and support, it really helps xx
I know, it really does affect everyone. I've been having a few moments again lately; not really the "why me" ones just thinking about the future. My daughter's just set her wedding date for 20th August 2021. Of course I'm over the moon but couldn't help those horrible sneaky old thoughts from creeping in like God, please let me be ok etc etc. I have every intentions of being ok , I'm not in the worst of health - apart from this of course - I'm only 55 which isn't too old and no other conditions to hamper me but you can't help thinking can you. xx
Not my case, but my ex husband was like that. He didnt want to work. He also said that he have severe depression and he took pills. But he love to spend my money and go vacations with my money. I did have good pay job and he though I was obligated to share my money. I swear I think I got cancer when I ended with him and how much damage and stress he cause me. I was stress out all the time and stress is bad for cancer. You need to talk to him! He needs to work and help you. If he has anxiety give him something natural to help him. Sometimes man use excuse like that to not work. I talk about my own experience. Just be careful. Anyway I remarried after my divorced and then 2 year later I got cancer. First diagnosed my husband was there to help me. I stay working but when I got sick again I stop working bc my life is more important. He was scare bc he didn't know if we can survive w less money but we are doing just fine and he still working n help me while I stay home w my daughter. He spent a lot money every month in natural supplements for me that my insurance dont cover. He help me with my daughter and he always looking for new stuff to help with my illness. He is totally different to my first cheating husband! So I know the difference and you need to tell him that he needs to be more supportive with you and you need stress free life. Maybe you can tell him you are consider leave your job and that he needs to get a stable job to see his reaction. And that he will need to support the family while you focus on get well. Sorry if I am direct but
I agree with you. With this disease, it is important that we spend time taking care of our own health and well-being because stress and anxiety is only going to make things worse for us. Your husband sounds like a very loving and caring man who is putting your needs first. That doesn't mean to say that we don't care for our husbands and how they are feeling. Of course we do! But we need to make sure we are getting the help and support we need to cope.
I remember the day my husband and I met my oncologist for the first time. It was two months after I had been diagnosed with breast cancer when all the doctors were telling me that the disease was early stage and I would soon be on the road to recovery. So I had a spring in my step as we walked into the consultation room, expecting to be told what my course of treatment would be for the next year or so. I even had the end date of treatment marked in my phone so that I could count down the months until it was all over and I could pick up my life where I left off. But when she started off with "It's not good news" and then went on to say the disease had metastasised I could hardly believe what I was hearing. I didn't cry or lose my composure. Afterwards, I remember my husband saying that he looked over at me and when he saw that I had maintained my composure he then followed my lead. I think that if I had cried he would have done also.
The point I am trying to make is that we have to be strong each and every day we have this disease. Only we can feel what it's like to have this illness in our bodies and be reminded of it every time we need to take our medication, have a treatment or a procedure. It is not a lot to ask for our husbands or other family members to provide emotional and practical support because loving someone with cancer is not the same as having cancer yourself. I learned that firsthand when I was diagnosed. Being the patient is harder than being the relative.
Exactly. I care for my husband and I wish I can work but I know if I continue working I wont be able to get well sooner. Also we never know with cancer what can happen with us and I want to spend time with my only child so I dont have regrets if something happens to me. I do get disability but it's only 1/3 of my previous income, but I learn to spend less so I am not burn for my husband. Its a to be a team work! I am glad that you also have someone there for you and he will be there in the good and the bad. That's the most beautiful thing. 😁
I was also early stage and in 2 years this disease went straight to my spine. I am feeling better but I was having the worse back pain!
We have to do what works best for us, and you sound like you have found a happy medium. I decided to continue working. I have been running my own pet sitting and dog walking business for the last seven years and am happy to continue working, but if I decide to quit my husband will support me. I don't need to work, but I would like to carry on doing so. I am too young to stop working and it helps me feel normal.
I never had to deal with early stage breast cancer and then having to cope with a recurrence. I have been stage IV from the get-go. I was led to believe the disease was early stage to begin with, but that was not the case. It was guesswork until after all the CT scans, MRIs and PET CT scan had been performed.
Are you having bone strengthening infusions, such as zometa, to help with the pain and metastasis to your spine? I have zometa every twelve weeks and I also take four Adcal D3, which are on prescription, each day.
oh how strange, I've literally just been looking into dog walking/pet sitting for him because he absolutely loves animals and is so good with them. Even the ones that seem vicious he's not scared at all and they seem to like him. He's like Dr. Dolittle lol.
It must have been so hard for you thinking about the "cure" only to be told about the mbc. What a shock, bless you. Mine was missed. I had primary in 2010. Then last Dec I started with a cough. To and fro to doctors then x-ray in Feb. They said it was clear but I knew something wasn't right so I paid and went private only to be told in March it's not clear at all and then the rest is history . Properly diagnosed in April and treatment started in May - chest lymph nodes, neck lymph nodes, liver, spine in 3 places and lung. Then last Thursday I was told cancer cells presenting as plaques in chest cavity/wall :(. I'm on Ibrance and Letrozole and about to start Denosumab (I think that's the Zometa you mentioned).
Let me know if you need any tips and I can lead you in the right direction if your husband decides to set up his own pet sitting/dog walking business. I find it very rewarding.
Yes, it was hard being led astray like that. I even had the treatment plan all written down and I was on the verge of starting chemotherapy when I found out the disease was metastatic. Surgery was cancelled, and then I had to decide what to do next. I feel that my youth was against me, as I seemed very fit and healthy, I didn't fit the usual profile and so on. I'm sorry to hear of how you struggled and all you went through to get the right diagnosis too.
Zometa isn't the same thing as denosumab, but it sounds like it does a similar job. It's also called zoledronic acid and is given as an infusion through a cannula. It takes about 30 minutes for my infusions every twelve weeks. I hope that adding the denosumab helps you.
ah sounds like you've got a good one second time around. I've been with my husband for 20 years and to be fair, before all this I can honestly say he hardly ever had a day off sick. The only time was once when he hurt his back and had to go see a specialist so in all honesty, I don't think he's trying to scive out of work. Still doesn't help though. I've set him a project now while he's not working - set him on tiling my new bathroom hahaha - maybe he'll be begging to go to work soon haha. Definitely stress doesn't help which is why I want him sorted. I've had so much stress in my life - I have a daughter with severe autism, she's gorgeous but such a challenge bless her. There's all sorts of other stuff that I won't bore you with - everyone's got their trials and tribulations haven't they. Thanks for your response and advice. xx
Is that the case, please talk to him about it. You guys have been together for long time and that's blessing. Maybe he is really affect for your illness. I didnt mean in the wrong but I want to make sure that we all been treat with love while we are dealing with this monster call cancer. I take alot natural thing for stress and keep me relax since sometimes pain and hotflashes take the peace of my life so everyone in my house want to run away from me. I get extremely moody but thank God that my hubby have patient! I hope every thing works out. And try not to work too much.
Sorry to be direct, but I am on the point nobody take advantage of my kindness anymore and specially now that I am sick. Your health is the most important now and you need support.
One of my long time dear friends just called--she's the one friend who asked me how she could be supportive of me as I live with this cancer. Ironic timing, but after we talked a bit, she mentioned that her husband, who has a somewhat serious cancer, has been really demanding and complaining and he forgot their wedding anniversary a couple of days ago. Having read the notes here so recently it just really struck me how differently men and women tend to handle things! Cancer sure wears us down! I was glad to have a chance to be there for my friend since she has sure been there for me!
Venus and Mars again isn't it. We obviously deal with things a lot better than them ;). No, seriously though, it really does wear us down. Thank god we've got this group - honestly I'm not being glib, I don't know what I'd have done without finding this group. It's given me more information than the medics and the support is just incomparable because everyone on here knows what each of us is going through which makes all the difference to know we're not on our own. xxxx
My "hubby" is so emotionally supportive but I just wish he would put his clothes away ! Wearing clothes out of a laundry basket seems so adolescent to me. Especially when I washed them for him. Guess I just need to get this across to him in a non-threatening way
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