I just read one of the posts about someone having to bite her tongue because of a friend. Cancer costs us a lot and the first thing it cost me was a good friend. She was upset that I did not take a leave of absence from work and in her mind my husband was making me work instead of me taking care of myself. I explained to her or tried to that no working will help me . She and my husband went round and round arguing about it and finally she said she felt she was too close to the situation and would only talk to me a work which is very little now we used to talk all the time, ate lunch together, taught classes together. It has grieved mecthat this has happened but her choice. I pray our friendship can be mended but I know she is scared of what’s happening to me . I decided I can only fight one battle at a time and fighting for my life is most important now for me and my family. Cancer has already cost me a lot but God is blessing me also. God is bigger than cancer and He will help us all overcome in His time and His way. Blessings to you all ladies and as a four year old hero, Elliott, in remission told me the other day. You gotta kick cancer’s teeth in! So let’s all do that! Also what is NED?once again blessings to all
Christie
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Blessedwarrior
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Hello fellow Canadian. People don’t know how to listen these days. If she listened there wouldn’t be an issue. I am working as well, and it’s my choice, because like you it keeps me busy and my job is not stressful. Other than the odd person telling me someone died of cancer, because they don’t think, work actually helps me forget about it for a few hours. She is not really a friend in the way you thought if she actually thinks your husband is making you work. Plus some people have to work, she shouldn’t judge. You need to concentrate on you, cordial at work and that’s it, you don’t owe her anything. This situation has made me revisit some of my friendships believe me. I know it’s hard because you see her everyday, but please concentrate on you, wasted energy on others is not worth it. She should be supportive unconditionally. I am sending you a virtual hug. Stay happy and in a positive space.
That is such a shame that you lost a friendship however people shouldn’t try to run our lives or try and tell us what to do..You’re still the same person only with cancer..why the hell should you be dictated to..annoys me
I have to agree with ladies posted Gerry. She was and not a true friend. I am so very sorry. Fair weather friend as the phrase goes.
And my answer to your original question is, now each day I am researching a healthier lifestyle to better prepare my body in dealing with this disease. It’s a 24/7 task but so far worth it
Dear Blessed warrior, God has blessed me and my family and brought us closer with this diagnosis! Attitude is THE THING THAT GETS PEOPLE THROUGH THIS UGLY DISEASE! Do what makes you and your family happy! Your friend doesn't completely understand your mind set and is living in fear! We ALL need to remember that life gives no one a guarantee! We have only Today --- all of us. Many people who appear healthy today could be dead before us---- it's all in God's plan and we need to understand that His plan is perfect! Hold on to the strength you have going forward and follow your heart! Good luck to you and hopefully your friend will learn from you and come back to the right thinking! Take care! Kathy
I am sorry that this lady has treated you like this. It is really not up to her whether you work or not. This is your decision to make. Some people want to (and are able to) continue working after their cancer diagnosis. I am one of them. I must admit that when I was first diagnosed I considered stopping work, because I didn't see any point in carrying on. But when I met my oncologist and told her that I run my own pet sitting and dog walking business she told me to keep working. I didn't really get it at the time, but I do now. Not only does work keep my mind occupied, it also keeps me fit and relatively healthy, and gives me a purpose. I also feel "normal" when I am working. So even though I do not have to work for financial reasons (my husband works full-time) I still want to.
I hope your friendship can be mended, but if it can't it may be worthwhile just walking away. You need people around you who will be supportive of you, not tell you off and make you feel bad about the decisions you make. Isn't there enough in our lives to deal with without also putting up with people's negative attitudes?
NED is short for "No Evidence of Disease". It is basically the same as saying a person is in remission, where the cancer is "asleep" so to speak. But not everyone will reach NED. However, being stable with no progression of the disease is also very good news and shows that our bodies are responding to treatment.
I am sorry to hear about your friend. I have had people tell me when they hear I am stage 4 MBC they say, you don't look sick you still have your hair. I find that statement funny now, it's their stupidity. Most people don't understand what MBC is. Mine has gone to my left lung and their comment will be , oh now you have lung cancer. I used to get so annoyed but have come to understand they just don't know. Living with this is hard enough, I agree with the other comments, you come first and just take care of yourself. Best to you.
Doesn’t it drive you batty when they say you don’t look sick. I almost feel guilty for having my hair and for putting in weight (been laid up with my hip so not very mobile ).
Exactly. I have family who say. You still look the same. We may look the same but still feel awful. I sometimes wish people could feel a week like we do and see if they could still be the “same”. I already know the answer I just wish they knew the feeling and could understand without having to go through what we go through.
I hear you, Aimee! I will take: "Sophie, you look great" though! I have explained to people that I still have a full head of hair because I am not having chemotherapy, which is why I look the same as I have always done. Many people are not aware of all the different treatment options available to cancer patients. I must admit I hadn't heard of hormone therapy before my diagnosis. I was only aware of chemotherapy and radiotherapy. One of my friends whose daughter died from leukaemia at the age of 18 is shocked at how my cancer story is so different to her daughter's. She gave me a whole list of dos and don'ts when I was first diagnosed, I was told all there was to know about neutropenia (although I already knew having gone through it with my mum) and more, and yet I have still been able to educate her. She is very well meaning and will be coming with me to my next infusion appointment on the 15th of this month, but I sometimes feel like she does not know how treatments have advanced since her daughter's time. I don't want to offend her when she gives me advice because I know she loves me and means well.
Too bad you can't reply, "And you dont look stupid," to everyone who says you dont look sick.
Blessedwarrior -
I'm sorry for this situation and I agree with all of the comments posted...but...I'm just going to add a dose of devil's advocate here. A few disjointed thoughts...
...first, I agree with you that she is likely scared. So I feel for her, too, as seeing you go through this is close to home and she obviously cares for you, strongly enough to argue with your husband, even if she's misguided in that.
...also, she sounds a bit controlling, as many people are. I have a stock response to that: "Gosh, isn't it great that we are all like whole separate human beings who each get to do what we choose to! ".
...finally, and this applies to many comments I see on this site...I'll do a poor job paraphrasing something i read...Yes, people are going to say stupid and hurtful things related to the fact you have cancer, but unless they literally kick you in the stomach and say that they hope you die tomorrow, they really are just doing their best. **Highly recommended book...wicked funny, not for those sensitive to crude language: Half Empty by David Rakoff.**
I'm certain that I've said insensitive things to people related to cancer in the past. I know that I recall an employee telling me about his mother's cancer being in her bones, and i did not understand the metastatic nature of that. He explained, and I half got it. No one is born knowing and understanding and until we've walked in someone else's shoes it is almost impossible to fully understand. I think that sometimes we have the opportunity to educate people by explaining it in a clear, calm manner. I've had numerous conversations with people re; this, hoping to help them understand the disease and also to reduce the fear for when it happens to them or someone they care about.
While having her in your life might be challenging, so might be continuing to not have her in your life, carrying some hurt. Perhaps you can say, or write, something to her that calmly explains. We have all gained wisdom and found strength with this awful disease; not everyone is there yet. I wasn't, and still often am not.
In case no one answered your question yet - NED is no evidence of disease, some Drs don't use this term some will call a condition stable and mean the same thing, some docs go by scans and tumor markers or just scans it's certainly good news if you get it and needs further discussion with the doc about treatment (some people stop meds and are ok!)
It's so surprising how our friends (and sometimes family, too) respond to us about this blasted cancer! I have appreciated reading this thread, and got a bang out of LynnFish's devil's advocacy! And I do wonder, from time to time, what stupid things I have said to friends about things going on in their lives that I really don't understand. The only suggestion I have about dealing with your friend is just letting her know that you miss the closeness you have had with her in the past and see where that goes! One of my own close friends died from ovarian cancer about three years ago, and that was a real challenge for me.....not so much the fact that she died, but she and I have chosen very different paths in how we handle talking about the terminal part of these cancers. I found myself having judgmental thoughts about how she was talking about it because it was so different than how I do, and I never wanted to feel or think like that. There is so much about having this cancer that is so very individual and we each do it in our own way. I tend to be pretty direct and I forget that not everybody is comfortable talking about our own deaths........ The decisions about working can be huge! It can help us feel normal and it can absolutely wear us out. So many different factors go in to the decisions we have to make! And for some of us, the decision is very clear and for others, not so much.
I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one who "struggles" with being "too direct"! I might be missing the tact and sensitivity gene but I really think it's more that I feel I've always benefitted from encouraging people to be direct with me...clear, accurate info; honest, actionable feedback; I'll deal with any emotional effects... I almost feel condescended to when someone tries to treat me with kid gloves....so I guess I view it as a show of respect that I deal with people in a direct manner. BUT, I have learned that emotional sensitivity and support are very important to many people, and I admire others who deal so well with others' emotional needs...It's just not my strength....
I am sorry this happened to you. I had found out that I had MANY fair weathered friends. When I shared my dx many were like OMG let's get together...how can I help....now 95 percent of them are ghosts. I was actually surprised at who the true ones were.....3 were co-workers and I feel so blessed to have them. I continue to work full time and those true friends call me a rockstar and that I give them inspiration when they see me walk through the door everyday. They celebrate with me when I get good news at doctor and also cry with me when they know I am feeling a bit blue. My point is don't grieve that one fair weathered friend of yours...rejoice and lean on the true ones. Hugs to you my fellow warrior. And remember we are ALL here for YOU!
Greetings: Sister/Warrior/Over-Comer Sometimes GOD brings people into our lives for a season. Sometimes it happens to strengthen your relationship with our CREATOR . Maybe it happens to make room for those who truly can help you through this challenge in your/our journey, There are women on this site who are helping us in ways no one who has not been through this journey can do. I thank God for the encouraging, empowering, Warriors who make us laugh, cry, and ease our sometimes roller-coaster overpowering emotions. I pray God will bring restorative healing, that will give you and your loved ones many years to live love, and laugh Amen.
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