Maybe it's just a bad day.....it's a typical Western NY day so cold and sooo gloomy. I had a dream last night I asked a friend of mine that is deceased how much time I had left and he said 3 years.... I know it's inevitable and I know I am going to have an awful demise...one that my family will also have to endure. I think that's the worst part. Knowing they will suffer. I watched my father die of prostate cancer 7 yrs ago and it had a huge impact on me and we were not even that close. This is...and willl affect them for many years long after I am gone. I wish I could just say the hell with it...drain my bank account...run away and live out my remaining days on some warm Beach in the tropics. Then I realize that is so selfish. This journey is such a roller coaster of emotions. I had not cried in weeks until today. I had never felt such profound sadness until my diagnosis. I know that what I am saying is all too familiar to all you too. My husband tries to comfort me but he just cannot comprehend what I am feeling. I try to put on a brave face...act like everything is just fine to keep my family calm. But tonight I am out of sorts.....I just had a temper tantrum over wrapping paper that kept falling out of closet....I was a raging lunatic.... Whipping rolls and rolls of paper down the stairs screaming that I was just going to burn it all and buy what I needed next year. Needless to say I am about to go down stairs to pick up my mess lol. Just needed to vent a little. Thank you ladies.
Just want to run away sometimes - SHARE Metastatic ...
Just want to run away sometimes
Great visual with the wrapping paper and all 😸 sounds like a good way to blow off steam. I live near the beach in NC. It’s starting to get cold here too. Sorry about your dad.
I used to go to the Outer Banks almost every year Just beautiful.
OMG, Laurac1014....Are you my sister? 
My sister, Laura, lives on the OBX and has MBC! She's blonde (I'm looking at your photo), but maybe this is her/you, incognito? I have a rental property in Duck...I just love it there and I always feel healthier after breathing that great OBX air!
funny, but I did find out I have another sister about 5 years ago. She even looks a bit like me. I used to listen to her on the radio as a dj, as she lived in the same area, but moved out of state just prior to us knowing about each other. Small world !I love having her in my life, she is an awesome mother of 5, with the most nurturing children I have ever met.
I'm near Wilmington, NC
Sorry to hear your sister has this dreaded disease too.
Dear Aimee,
I think the wrapping paper was Divine intervention to help you purge your anger. Kind of only kidding. Sometimes "the Universe" sends us an opportunity. The dream is upsetting, but it was a dream, and I would not hang on those 3 years. I was in a guided meditation once and the teacher had me go into a cave, In the cave was a wise being surrounded by light. I was to ask the wise being a question (remember, this is a meditation, I was actually on the beach in Aruba...) So of course I asked how much time I had left. And the wise being said, "You have enough time." I would not get too hung up on the number. We're all going, even the people who don't have cancer. As for the awful demise, although I don't find it very consoling now, things have come a long way from 7 years ago. Ten years ago my Dad passed, short of breath, panicking, they would not give him much Morphine - a lousy 1 mg an hour (I'm a nurse so I know this is bullish*t dose for an adult who is dying). It broke my heart. When my Mom passed in 2015, she was in a deep drug induced sleep. She passed quietly. You have every right to get angry and blow off steam. This is lousy. You are not the only one on this site who would love to blow the wad and sit on a beautiful beach. If you can do it, knowing you may well live many years, go ahead. Or, maybe partially fulfill this wish and take a beach vacation. If you haven't cried in weeks, you are doing well. If you get stuck, please get help. You are not selfish, you are sick and tired of being sick and tired. I hope once you pick up those rolls of wrapping paper, you will regain some peace and feel good about yourself. Look how hard you try around your loved ones. Give yourself that same effort. I am tired from 3 days of work and binge watching "The Sopranos," so good night, and may tomorrow find you in a much better place. Why not treat yourself to something nice -- lunch, a movie out, a massage or manicure? Hugs and prayers.
So funny, I did almost the same thing last week. My husband was complaint he can't find anything in the pantry. I got so mad that it is my duty to keep the pantry straight. All shelves are labeled, soup pasta, vegetables, cake mixes etc he just put the shopping in any where it will fit. So!! I jumped up from my chair started throwing all the groceries on the floor, table nearby bedroom. Empty pantry. After 4 hours organized pantry beautiful really. 4 heavy trash bags of not used or out dated on street. I did calm down but whoever did I spite? I must have had a bad day. Takes a lot to push me that far. Did he notice or care. He went to our room to watch tv as soon as I started throwing things. HaHaI low just how you felt.😄😄😂
Hope tomorrow is better for you.
Barbara
I think, We all have bad times, sometimes I cry and have my negative thoughts I pray and sing to calm down God bless you
We hold things together for ourselves and our loved ones but we all need a place or a person that we can completely go crazy. I ha e an amazing friend that I can text. I can rant and rave and she never judges. She is the one that keeps me sane. Tomorrow will be a better day for you.
I cried at work because my hands were too weak to pull tape off a box. The ups and downs are constant. I shall join you on the beach and we shall have margaritas.
Can I come?
Barb xx
Absolutely!
Think we may need to hire a bus cos I think you are going to have a lot of company on your trip! 😊
That sounds great!
Hi Aimee, I have really been struggling the last few days and have cried both days. I don't know why (well I guess maybe I do). Sometimes so overwhelmed. I have been feeling pretty good so these days have thrown me for a loop. My husband is a great support and I am trying to hold it all together today because he is leaving for a weekend ski trip with my son and daughter in law and don't want him to worry about me. And I agree with you - it does SUCKKKKKK!!! But here we are and I want to try and make the most of every day. I have my first grandbaby coming in May and want some to enjoy him.
Please take care, Kim
I'm in cold gray CT. Totally understand. Winter doesn't help our mood at all along with everything else! I wish you a better tomorrow and totally can relate to your feelings. Feel like a trip somewhere warm and sunny too.
I am sending my prayers right now as I speak! I have dreams too, I choose to ignore the negative ones & my aunt goes with the mind set ...keep on keeping on... She may have to switch meds very soon.. Wish we could snap our fingers and bam - disease gone! Unfortunately, we can't.. But, as the scripture says "All things are possible with God"
Loving & good thoughts - Jo Jo
Greetings Sister/Warrior I am happy you vented without hurting yourself, or your loved one(s). Some day you, and your loved ones will look back on this time, and laugh your butts off. If you don't release that pent up stress you will only internalize it, as cause harm to yourself. Our loved ones don't get a manual to tell them how to respond or handle the diagnosis of breast cancer. Believe it or not caregivers need support also, and should attend caregivers support groups if time permits. What helped me cope was my daily prayers, and affirmations when I was able to do them. I also punched pillows, and visualized me killing the cancer cells, and just knocking them out cold. Don't do this at home when your loved ones are present, because this could get you to the Psychiatric Ward on a 72 hour observation hold. (LOL) I also would run on my treadmill, and visualize me stomping on, and killing the cancer cells. I am sure you and our sister/warrior(s) have so many other great creative visualization techniques that can help us with the challenge of this diagnosis. I do pray you will have a Happy , and Healthy 2019 New Year XoXoXo
What was the name of that beautiful house in NJ that ladies can go and stay 2 nights? I read about it on this site but can't find it again
Was in Mary's Place by the Sea in Ocean Grove?
Yes thank you!
It’s cold grey and miserable here in Shropshire (uk) too. A nice warm sunny beach with a cool cocktail in hand seems very attractive.
I think it does us the world of good to throw a really good tantrum every so often, gets rid of all those pent up emotions that we carry round and are too nice and polite to share with people who can’t understand the position we are in. But I will say stop worrying about the end, just because someone else had a bad time it doesn’t mean you will, every experience is different. The available pain meds are so good now there is no reason to be in pain at the end and our bodies have their own way of coping too. I’ve lost many relatives and friends to this horrible disease and most had their last few days and hours managed well and passed away quietly. But hopefully it will be a long time before you or I have to think about that, and you may get hit by a bus before it happens! None of us know how we will go or when. It’s easy to say stop worrying about it, but wasting that time in worrying stops us from enjoying the now we have.
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