Introducing myself

[Walkingthewalk]

Just joining Share. Reading all your posts makes me think I am not alone. Heart breaking to read so many posts feom so many women having similar treatments as me. I finished chemo, had a double mastectomy and lymph nodes removed on right. Radiation shortly and targeted drugs. I fluctuate between being really scared and hopeful. Damn. I didn’t quite expect this.

[Lulusue]

Hi there, welcome to the club no one wants to be in! There are some wonderful ladies on here that know far more than I do but this forum is the friendliest I know. They are all lovely and can help you through all the doubts and worries. From your post, it seems like your still in the early part of your treatment- it does settle down a bit. It can feel very overwhelming at the beginning but it becomes your new normal and you feel a bit more in control. I have been on Ibrance now for 2 years with Anastrozole and really feel good. Is that the targeted therapy you are going to have? What country are you in? Treatments change from country to country. I’m in the UK.

On this site you can ask any questions you want and get a real answer because we have all been there and on occasion re-visit those feelings of being scared and anxious. Those feelings are normal. You will find your feet and your rhythm and you will deal with it in your own way.

Wishing you love and strength- you are stronger than you think

Hazel

[Tilly101]

Hello walkingthewalk ( talking the talk)

What an appropriate name..

I can't offer any constructive advise as l am newly diagnosed myself and my emotions are running everywhere ...

But what l can say is that l am very sorry for what you have been through ...

It looks to me as you have leapt the biggest hurdle with your surgery so give yourself a well deserved pat on the back - well done...

Warm wishes.

Tx

[MelLump]

Hello! I just had a double mastectomy and luckily node negative. I have an appointment with my oncologist to discuss a chemo treatment plan (I am still trying to decide whether I want to do it) for 12 weeks. I have always been a healthy eater, and always took care of myself. I have completely shut down emotionally and physically since my diagnosis in Dec- I sure didn't expect it, and I am still terrified every moment of the day, and most of the night. The only time I get exercise is when I walk to my car to go see a doctor because I just get so anxious when I have to go anywhere outside my home. I know that stress and anxiety can cause physical illness, so when I think about that, it makes me even more stressed. I just feel like I am spiraling down..down...down....

The only thing that keeps me going is that I have met and talked to so many wonderful women in my journey so far through support groups and now here in this group. They have all given me hope that I can beat this and hopefully live a long life.

I'm sending you best wishes for your journey.

[Mmnyc in reply to MelLump]

MelLump ❤️ You are not alone! So many of us feel like this. I find that the more I come here and share my experience or fears the better I feel. The fear is always there of course. Best wishes!

[luv2walk2 in reply to MelLump]

Dear MelLump.I am glad it is not just me. I also was diagnosed in Dec. The surgeon I met with laid out choices, lumpectomy vs mastectomy. I wanted to see an oncologist before I made my decision but that was not an option. I have a dark cancer background with my sister almost dying from her chemo treatment in '89 and my mother-in-law severely damaged from radiation in '69. I didn't want either.. I chose lumpectomy and radiation. I started having panic attacks. I have had the surgery (January) and now have more pieces to my puzzle. I am very lucky to have have a small totally removed no lymph node cancer. I went into a personality change. Being a very private person, I do not do well being exposed in front of so many people. I feel like a naked human pincushion. I have to crawl inside my head to get through this. My world has been forever changed. They said I am in charge and can refuse any and all treatment but that is not realistic. If I refuse treatment to save my dignity I would most likely end up right back where I am. I want to be like a turtle and pull myself into a protective shell. Technically that is what I have done. I used to be a jovial, strong, helpful person. Now, and Covid is probably also to blame, I do not leave my home and I do not want to see people. Once I start treatment I am sure things will get better. It is my fear of the unknown that will diminish and I will feel whole again. I can help others but not myself. I am 68 and have learned a lot about myself on this journey.

You will get through this. You are stronger than you know. Find that support person/group. This site has been a blessing and I am digging myself out of my hole... you will also. Find joy in things we take for granted. Be selfish if you need to and pamper yourself. Try one new thing ... craft, read, walk, whatever it takes to make you feel loved, especially by yourself. Blessings..... 🙌

[MelLump in reply to luv2walk2]

I know how you feel....I'm still trying to decide whether or not to do the chemo. I'm more terrified of the long term effects of that than I am of it maybe coming back. I've also started having episodes over the last week where I can't breathe, then I start to shake, and usually throw up. I determined that the breast cancer had spread to my brain, as I have also been doing stupid things like putting stuff in the freezer that should go in the fridge. I had an uncle who died from brain cancer. These episodes happen 2-6 times a day. I finally panicked and called the Nurse navigator and told her I think I have brain cancer!! She calmed me down enough to where I could at least speak, and she told me that the breast cancer did not go to my brain, and she told me that my episodes were actually panic attacks. Never in my life have I had that! I've been stressed before, but I've always been able to cope with it and move on. Every day I feel like it's only a matter of time before I have a heart attack or something and croak...but then I wouldn't have to worry about chemo and thinking about cancer for the rest of my life!

Needless to say, tomorrow I have a virtual appt with a psychiatrist (another first!) to get on an antidepressant, then right after that I go to have my weekly fluid insertion to my expanders, and then right after that I go to the oncologist to review my chemo plan. I have a ton of questions for her, and I still don't know if I'm going to do it. The thought of destroying every cell in my body, and then the possibility of have long term effects to my heart, lung, liver etc just makes me want to move on. But then I will be thinking about cancer coming back every single day, and that will just create more stress, and I know that stress affects the body in very bad ways.

Tomorrow is going to suck, and I think I'm going to buy a bottle of something and just chug it until I knock myself out. At least maybe I'll get some sleep...over the last two months, I haven't slept longer than 4 hours at a time. I'm just exhausted and honestly at this point, my quality of life just sucks, and I don't even want to talk about any more and I don't even want to see my family any more. I'm trapped in my head and I just don't imagine that even an antidepressant is going to touch it.

I used to be outgoing and social, and one of my favorite things to do was paint rocks. But I can't even do that because I shake too bad. This has just stripped away all of me and I don't know if I'll ever get "me" back.

I'm sorry....I guess I'm just wallowing in self pity and I just can't think of ways to pamper myself...except chugging a bottle of something and getting some sleep!! lol...that would make me feel pampered...but then I don't really drink so I'd probably just puke my guts out. But hey, it would be practice for chemo!! haha

It sounds like we are on the same time line as to surgery and treatment etc. I do with you the very best!!! XO

[luv2walk2 in reply to MelLump]

I saw my GP when I had my first panic attack. I was put on anxiety medication and it has helped. I know where you are coming from, believe me. My sister had chemo in 1989 really harsh. It is not as harsh now. She is still alive and said she would fo the exact same thing today to know she would live and have her life back. One minute at a time at this point. Drinking will not help. Do you have family? I am 68. I do not know how old you are.i started going for walks. All the snow and cold and I went anyway. It is helping my breathing. I went for wigs yesterday. I do not even know who I am in those. Trying them on with masks is difficult. When I got home ni mask I didn't like the one I got. When you have Grey hair, choices are extremely limited to much older looking styles. We need to make our thoughts more positive. I realize the cancer I found was so small. I was so lucky. It is hard to say I have cancer no matter the stage, size, etc. I soon want to say I am cancer free and that is what I look forward to. To see my grandchildren grow up, and so much more. I am sure you can't see things as positive right now but you have to try. I love painting rocks and placing them around. I am not that great at it though. Lol

[luv2walk2 in reply to luv2walk2]

Feel free to reach out to me anytime.

[MelLump in reply to luv2walk2]

I'm 60 and I love to hike. I moved back to FL from CA 2.5 years ago to be around my family but I am not a tropical person. Also right now, it is getting hot, and when I try to go out to walk I start to sweat..which causes my underarms to be extremely sore because they are still kind of puffy. And I only have 2 surgical bras, so I wash them every other day. Hearing abut your sister makes me feel better, especially that she still has her life. How is she doing? Is she able to be active? I still plan on moving to TN so that I can get back to hiking---hiking was my life in CA and I love being out in nature. If I can get there I know mentally and physically I will be much better. I just need nature right now, and palm trees, cement jungles, and swamps don't do much for me. I am really hoping that if the doctor gives me something to calm my stress, I can start my rock painting again. That always helps me focus and it always makes me feel better.

As for wigs, I'm going to buy a couple of scarves, and some light turbans as I don't get out enough to buy a wig. And I was actually going to go natural white and then get some black highlights underneath to give it a funky look. Once it falls out and grow back in, at least I won't have to wait for the gray to grow back out! And...I hear people lose weight on it too...so that could be a good side effect I suppose.

I just want to get out of my head for now. I want to see my grandkids grow up too, but right now I just have a hard time seeing anyone. Dreading doctors tomorrow, and then have to go get groceries this weeked...ugh...

I'm trying to be positive...but I guess right now I'm just feeling doomed. Hopefully after the doctor appts tomorrow I'll at least have somewhat of a plan/decision.

Thank you so much for reach out....everyone on here is so wonderful!!

[luv2walk2 in reply to MelLump]

My sister is alive and well and very active. She lives in Sunrise, FL.she will be 74 in July. She had her cancer at 42. Her cancer had gone to her lymph nodes. She had a mastectomy and chemo. Does wish she had removed both breasts. Very pleased she never had additional cancer.

[MelLump in reply to luv2walk2]

How wonderful!!!! I am so happy for her ,and for you too!!!

[Mmnyc]

Welcome walkingthewalk, I think the majority of us between fear and being hopeful! Cancer is no joke! Who knew we were this strong? Yet sometimes I don’t feel strong. I sometimes wish I could wake up and realize that these past two years are a bad dream. But they are not. I have scars that remind me daily of what my poor body has been through. Survivorship is tough, who knew!