Bleeding internally

[Racewac844]

I am here because I need support and at a crossing. Do I get help or not. Like other posts I believe I've been manipulated and abused all my life and I blame me for it for happening. Years and years of abuse . Trauma. When I met my husband I was able to pull myself out of a dark place now I'm back in that place again. Been dealing w nobody to talk to, wanting to help myself but afraid of losing more people and no money to p ay. I'm in this place because I know it my heart nobody truly loves me or cares about me. I'm selfish. Nobody was really there at my wedding for me, friend betrayal , wanting to have a family but husband wanted to wait to make sure we were solid now that dream is over, how people treat me , asking myself did my husband really want a family w me ? Thinking if something happens to me he still can w someone else. I shouldn't think like thus hoping my husband loves me. My sex drive is gone and that makes me hurt too because I want to be intimate w him. Job issues, family needs, sickness etc. Wanting dreams but feeling its too late for me. Feeling unlovable, unworthy undeserving etc. On top of everything husband may have got a job promotion gets him out of a toxic work environment makes him happy etc but he's gone Monday through Friday and I'm alone . Every since I found out ive been really sad, angry ,resentful and I shouldn't be . Been afraid to lose him and I know if I don't support him on thus I will. Been afraid of sabotaging us , hormones are wacky . I hope this shows I care for him. I want to be a good wife and he told me he wants my support. And fir me to be happy. I don't want to give up on us and I'm afraid of giving up om myself. I'll sabotage us I'm afraid if I sleep ill do something to ruin us. I ask myself where the wife he married went , have I just beaten down so much that I can't pull myself out of this dark hole. I want my dreams too and he's part of it as I wanted love. He has his dreams. How can I be a better wife. Am I too selfish for love? Am I unlovable undeserving. My husband I believes loves me but lately doubting everything and myseld and what'd good for me. I want us to make it. I want help but afraid to lose him. Everything. Hope everything here is anonymous. How do we help each other, support each dreams although asking is 40s too old? How can we stay by each other and make our love last,? I feel so broken like last night I thought I've given up on myself . How can I be better for him, me us ? I worked so hard to get out of a dark hole and feel like I can't do it again I did it wo any help have I been triggered or retraumatized? Want my husband so much .

[HevenCanWait]

Hello Race,

You are going through what I have experienced all of my life. I can totally relate to what you are saying and can tell you that millions of people around the world experience the same every day, too. The ailment is called Complex PTSD and can utterly ruin our lives.

You need to begin working with a psychologist or social worker who specializes in the field. A lot of them are trauma victims themselves, so they totally relate to us. They know what we are going through. After 7 decades of suffering, I am finally finding help and relief with a functional medicine psychiatrist and a CPTSD psychologist.

The psychiatrist is handling my meds and supplements. Because of my constant trauma for so long, his blood tests revealed that I have no cortisol in my system. It is adrenal fatigue. I am now on a low-dose oral steroid to replenish my cortisol. It has greatly improved my mood and ability to handle stress. We also had to work on getting my thyroid working better, too.

You can google "functional medicine psychiatrists" online to locate one near you. Many take insurance.

I found my CPTSD psychologist online, too, through the following website: psychologytoday.com/us/ther...

You can put in any state you wish. Many have sessions online these days and take insurance.

I list these here to tell you that you are not alone. CPTSD is a terrible condition to deal with on your own. You must work with experts because it doesn't go away on its own. It is a condition of both our outer environment and the biochemical changes it makes inside of us physically and mentally. We all need help and support with it.

Let me know if you need more information.

[bluesky85]

dear @Racewa844: When I read your note on how you perceive this kind of love, I kindly ask is this marriage a good fit for you?If he cares for you, he should make a time for both of you. Love is a two committed souls, if one party reject it , why do you need to hold on to that torn rope for you to get hurt too…I think you are much more deserved to have someone loved you because of you and for you.Let’s free your soul to a better life, shall we?Happy Easter Racewac44