suicide survivor

[Sad_Mama]

TRIGGER WARNING

Hi there, I am new here and hoping to connect with anyone who is going through something similar to me.

Two years ago, my sister had a manic depressive episode, and called me to come be with her. My husband and I were both there trying to care for her while she was in an inebriated, combative manic state. As we waited for police/cahoots to come things progressively got worse and worse. She was screaming for us to leave, yelling horrible and hurtful things at me that I can’t even remember now.

When police arrived we stepped outside to speak with him before bringing him inside, as we thought it would only make her episode worse. However, within minutes I went back inside to complete silence, and I knew something was wrong. I break down her door but I am too late. She had taken her life and left me to pick up the pieces. Literally and metaphorically.

I’ve been dealing with immense guilt and sadness, but mostly anger. We always had a complicated relationship (as most sisters do) but she was my best friend. My wedding was just 3 months away. How do I let go of all of this anger and sadness?

I feel like I will never forgive her and I cannot live like this anymore. She appears in my head every day constantly and I can’t sleep, or eat due to the constant anxiety. I can’t go to work without having a panic attack first. I genuinely feel like she ruined my life.

Sorry for the long vent, and this is just the tip of the iceberg. Idk I’m just looking for anyone who can relate to this.

[Artificial_Turf]

First, I am sorry this happened. For the loss of your best friend and sister.I sincerely hope you don't blame yourself - this was her decision. From the perspective of a person with major depressive disorder, and CPTSD - her decision is one I contemplate often.

I use writing for anything blocked - for me this means grabbing the notebook as soon as the thoughts begin. I just start writing whatever comes out . Eventually, I find the original source of the angst - writing it out, seems to keep the thought and feeling from being so front of mind . It isn't a cure, but it makes daily life a bit more tolerable.

May you be in peace

[ASACS]

I'm so sorry you went through this...I was diagnosed with PTSD due to sexual abuse and how you're feeling right now feels very close to how I'm feeling.

I've been in therapy for almost a year now and I think it would be a great tool for you as well.

You need to talk, talk about the past interactions you had with your sister up to the most recent and tragic one so you can be at peace.

You have to explore all those moments to make you realize you did everything you could, there was nothing else you could have done different.

I hope you find your peace, I'm still trying to find mine 🩷