Tomorrow marks one month since Sandy passed away. We had a beautiful church service last Saturday followed by a Celebration of Life at the local yacht club. No, we're not boat owners, it's just a nice venue close to our home.
The church was packed. Friends played piano and violin. I wrote and read the eulogy...something I was only able to do because I had lots of prayer covering me. Good food and good wine at the reception. It was wonderful to see all "our people" in one place. So many supportive friends and family. A wonderful memory.
Now...what. Lots of legal, paperwork stuff. I got locked out of our bank account yesterday because the bank got wind that Sandy had died so his login was inactivated (the only login I had used for years). Had to go take care of that and then they required that I close the account and open a new one. Today I shredded the batch of checks I had with our old account number. I don't know why things like this trigger such sadness - a checking account number we'd shared for decades. If the checking account number is this near and dear to my heart, I dread to think of how difficult it'll be to get through more meaningful things.
I'm doing better than expected. Going through life each day. Lots to do and of course everything takes a long time because I can't focus worth a darn. I actually had coffee with a friend today AND cleaned my desktop (something I've been wanting to do for almost a year). Watching a lot of useless TV at night with our dog.
I'm planning a three-week trip to a warmer climate. Couldn't decide whether to go or not because it seemed that I should just stay home and take care of chores, etc. I'm sure that work will be waiting when I return. I'm just not used to having much freedom at all and now I have more than I've ever wanted.
I don't know how it's going to go from here on but I imagine it's going to be worse than it is now. I miss him. Just ran across his old expired passport with his youthful picture on it - that was a tough one.
I'm sorry I haven't kept up with responding to your posts. I've been reading every one. Blessings to all you good caregivers and care receivers out there.
Joy
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journeyofjoy
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Dear Joy, I’ve been grieving for my husband going on 14 years now. I have a deep feeling that when he succumbs to the illness I will feel as you do now. Sometimes I want the suffering to stop and other times I feel very selfish because I want him to stay with me forever. I’ve had time to ensure both of our names are on our accounts but after reading your post I’m not sure if that is going to be enough.
I’m glad that Sandy’s send off was full of friends, music, good food and wine. Well done!
As Ron suggested, take the trip and recharge. You’re due!
If you put both your names on all your bank accounts it’s enough. I write the utility checks on Larry checking account now. I sign my name. Only his name is printed on the checks. They all get cashed and clear.
I'd like to point out one thing, this applies ONLY to non-spouse carers for parents or relatives. If you put yourself on any bank accounts as joint-owner it will make dealing with those accounts easier later on. One thing I didn't realize, it was brought to my attention by a friend in financial management, IF for some reason you were to get sued or have a lawsuit brought against you those accounts can be viewed as yours and thus brought into any legal process or judgement. In my opinion the benefits of easy access outweigh any slight risk of that nature but I wanted to pass the info along.
I didn't have any problem after either. However, I had opened an account in only my name some time ago because once my husband couldn't sign his name I found it difficult to take care of financial matters even with a power of attorney. Sure glad I did that.
GO! GO! GO! As long as you have the monies sorted out, nothing else needs to done now. It will all be waiting for you. Nothing is going to make you feel better, but rest will help with your recovery. There is lots of physical stuff to get over first. As to paperwork, it sucks!!! I hated every minute. The amount of screaming I did at Steve's photo, is nobodies business. Found he kept hiding important letters, I go back a week later only to find it on the top. Whether it was the brain saying, you are not ready for this yet, I don't know.
Glad Sandy's funeral went well. It is a lovely comforter in the dark nights.
Sending big hug and much love
Lots of love
Anne
After being on call 24/7, for I don’t know how long, there is a sense of relief. Relief his incapacitation is over as he hated it. Relief I am not moving even when I am dead tired.
Yesterday morning my last dream was of us on a drive in the country. We were both our younger selves. He was at his prime. It was a nice way to start the day.
This morning I was awakened by his cry of help. I expect that will go on for some time to come. My neighbor lost his wife 4 years ago. He told me the first year and a half he woke to her cries for help.
O Joy, it is such a joy to read of your celebration of his life. On the whole I found the banks very helpful. I did lose my temper with one which was demanding documentation I had already sent.
Get your sunny break as soon as possible. I am sat on my balcony in glorious sunshine as I write this and am looking forward to my boat trip tomorrow.
The only difficulty is in the restaurant on my own surrounded by couples. My sister goes with a friend whose husband died last year and that seems to be working well. Love, peace and joy. Ken.
Sounds a lovely farewell to Sandy with so mush support around you. Pleased that you have managed to allow yourself to go off to go off on a holiday to recharge your batteries. We all grieve differently and on different timelines and you just have to go with it, whatever is best for you. I'm sure you'll have mixed emotions when you are away but grieving isn't generally a full time thing and you will get lots of good times along with some sadness. I lost Ben 20 months ago and find myself struggling at the moment despite getting out and about, you just never know how it's going to take you. I have gone back for counselling to help me through this difficult patch as I thought I might be coming out of the other side of grieving now. It's a bit of a lottery and I think it's good to know that however it is for you is quite normal and you shouldn't compare yourself with others in the same position, I think I have done that but now realise it's my grief and I have to do it my way. Hope that helps
Dear Joy, a wise cousin told my sister when our parents died and I also have been following since Kurt died - don't do anything or make decisions about things that you absolutely are not required to attend to for the first year. There are so many layers to the grief we feel and the healing from exhaustion of caregiving. This is month number 8 for me. I have been traveling a lot, mostly to visit family domestically and internationally, gradually increasing the amount of time between trips that I am at home rattling around in a house that feels much too big for just me. Even now as I am headed home from visiting my stepson and his family; my daughter-in-law said "no" when I mentioned "sorting" , not yet. Do things that are just for you, stimulate that creative side of yourself that was set aside for so long. My path for the new year is just to begin learning how to negotiate my way through the world as a newly single senior on my own. Take your time, Even in the short time of 8 months the perspective of where things sit on my scale of importance has shifted considerably. Hugs to you. Kathy
Thank you. This is wise advice. I don't plan to make any major decisions, other than a couple that my husband and I had already decided together and weren't implemented yet. It's enough of a scramble just taking care of things that do require attention.
Month #8? It's still so soon.
There is so much to this loss of my husband. Things I never thought of that we did as a couple are now up to me. There are so many layers of a life together. I don't think we could handle looking at them all at once. They will come, gradually.
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