Wow. What a response to Grey January Day

[AliBee1]

I went onto the forum as I do most days as I needed to feel 'not alone'. What an amazing number or responses to WesternGirl and what support and love poured out because of her post. My darling husband has CBD and I too get very frustrated with him but today I remember a poem he wrote many years ago when his first wife was dying of Ovarian cancer aged 47 and I just wanted to share it with you all. He cannot even write now. I wonder if he is scared like he knew she was? I hope not as he does not seem to realise the significance of what is happening to him and only tends to get cross with me when I disagree with his opinion of the time of day/night or how much he should eat or drink. Love to you all. AliBee

Angry

Why am I so angry?

It isn’t bloody fair.

She’s half her life in front of her

And now it isn’t there.

She’s been told she’s three more months to live,

Perhaps a year or two

But how are you supposed to live

When death tags onto you?

Why am I so angry?

I want to bloody shout.

I’m screwed up by frustration

And I need to let it out.

But she doesn’t need me ranting

Because she’s scared like me

But its bloody hard to keep quite calm

When death sits at your knee.

Why am I so angry?

Why won’t she bloody leave?

Then I can get on living,

And I can start to grieve.

It galls to watch her suffer,

So bitter and in pain

At least she’ll have the peace she needs

When death takes her away.

Why am I so angry?

My love gets in the way

I can’t bear for her to leave me

But it hurts to see her stay.

But it’s anger keeps her spark alight.

It’s anger helps me through

Those dark and lonely moments

When death looms large in view.

Nigel Birket

June 1999

[Hidden]

Alibee thank you for sharing Nigel's poem...

on this Grey January Day.

Please give him a kiss on his forehead from me...

Sending hugs... Granni B

[AliBee1 in reply to Hidden]

I will. He enjoys kisses xx

[honjen43]

Wow! You have a treasure in your husband! That poem shows that he had gone through what you are going through, and that he understands deep down just how you feel.

My husband with CBD did not seem to understand either, and I shouted at him for all the reasons in Nigel's poem. It voices emotions for ALL terminal illness, short or long term, however long and we don't know how long!

Thank you for sharing!

Give him a hug from me!

Hugs

Jen xxx

[AliBee1 in reply to honjen43]

I will. He loves a hug although he can no longer hug back as he does not seem to know what to do with his hands. xx

[honjen43 in reply to AliBee1]

Maybe he needs to be re-taught.

Tell him what to do and place his hands around you!

Good luck and hugs!

Jen xxx

[raincitygirl]

How very eloquent and so true... Your Nigel really shines through, Ali Such passon and insight! And so good to see the glimpses of the person as they truly were ( and I liked to think 'still are - just clouded and hobbled by the rogue Tai protein'.

Hugs to you ❤️❤️❤️

Anne G.

[Satt2015]

Absolutely amazing words!! And so so so so so very true!! X

[Marilyn_cbd12]

Thanks for sharing. “I can’t bear for her to leave me/But it hurts to see her stay.” So true.

Marilyn

[AnneandChris]

Oh thank you for sharing. This is so true.

Hugs

Anne

[AliBee1 in reply to AnneandChris]

hugs back xx

[Brenive]

Wow , this poem , wow it stopped me in my tracks....

[Katiebow]

This heartfelt poem says it all and more, how amazing to put all of those conflicting thoughts into a beautiful,poem about pending death. Thankyou

Love Kate xxx

[Aprilfool20]

Oh how Poignant! Hits the nail on the head. Thanks for sharing! Jayne

[experience in reply to Aprilfool20]

Jayne, are you in Norwich?

[Bianca]

It’s so poignant reading Nigel’s poetic words expressed from the heart, which we can relate to. Can’t imagine what you must be going through...Hugs.

[AliBee1 in reply to Bianca]

Hugs back. I hate to see him like he is. He has just become bowel incontinent and I know he hates it. xx

[Bianca in reply to AliBee1]

Yes, that’s hard for him...and you. 😔

[JantheNana]

Wow!

We- like your husband when he wrote this- do not know what lies ahead for us.

Thank you for sharing!

[JubileeRanch]

My husband has been so pitiful lately....we were watching TV and he looked at me and said “I will be so happy to be in heaven and be able to think straight”. I think there are times like this that he truly is thinking straight....however it is getting harder for me to get a full night sleep because he has started getting up around 3:00 am, we are in separate rooms, he comes to my door and knocks yelling my name and saying “I fell”......he has learned that if he says he has fallen I jump up and run, I am at his side immediately! Last night he had not fallen he was just trying to get my attention....I am going to get a double dead bolt on his door because I can not risk him falling on the stairs....

[AliBee1 in reply to JubileeRanch]

Hiya. I am in the same room as Nigel still and he wakes me every night but I think he would get horribly distressed if I locked him in. Could you not get a gate for the stairs instead? If he is able to walk to your door and say that he has fallen maybe you should rationalise that he has not fallen and hurt himself and is upright so make your response slower and maybe he will stop it. Nigel too has moments when he seems to be really 'with it' but then says something which totally negates it. I would hate to be inside his mind. From one broken sleeper to another big hugs. AliBee xx

[JubileeRanch in reply to AliBee1]

I agree with the distress at have a locked door, not sure what I will do, if I put him downstairs he will come up....it’s crazy....

And YES, he gives me hope with some comments and then 30 minutes later he says something completely off the wall. He gets NOTHING out of life....he sits in a chair and watches TV or goes to the porch and looks across the fields, I arrange lunch for him with various friends often, he has zero enteraction with the friends....what really troubles me is that I am having trouble remembering him normal....weird....I really struggle with that. I feel so lost at times, I know I lost him a long time ago but I was totally unaware, but now I see him slipping away. I look across the room I am sitting in, what I call my “Book Nook” because all my books are in here, I see pictures of us in Greece, Turkey, Israel Europe, summer vacations etc. etc.....the man in those pictures is gone, completely gone....

My mother died just short of being 90, she was still beautiful, had been traveling only months before she passed, she was sharp and engaging, making friends at her extended care place which was where she was only for less than a month. The day she died she had gone with my sister and gotten a manicure and pedicure, made some new friends at her facility.....on and on....I can easily think back to that day talking to her on the phone and she was so mentally normal.....I realize now how refreshing it was to HAVE her right to the end....but not so with brain issue people....we loose them so completely long before they physically leave us, I am crying as I write this.....

[Cuttercat]

Amazing poem. I’ll keep it to look at when I fail to get understand. You are doing a wonderful job with Nigel. I know he appreciates it.

Cuttercat

[AliBee1 in reply to Cuttercat]

thank you x

[SewBears]

It bloody makes me angry that so many of us understand these words far too well. What a brilliant poem! Thank you for posting!

[Tuffdays69]

Wow

Your so gifted with words and how fitting with this awful condition of psp

Your post and words are so moving but so true.

God that had me in tears and choked me up so true and powerful words x

[Westerngirl]

What a poignant poem.So true.And thanks to all who replied to grey January.It is such a help to get the understanding from you all.I feel better able to cope for now.