I feel bad for even saying this. And it is so not me--I take after my parents where you buckle up and do what it takes. But I miss him so much. And I really want to be with him. Right up until the end he would wrap his leg around mine at night. He would hold my hand.
I am not going to do anything stupid, because I have my son and stepson to think about. But it is much harder than I thought it would be.
I know feeling the same lost George in October not got any easier, actually it feels like it’s getting harder. Sending you a big hug I really understand what you are feeling. Yvonne xxxx
I agree Yvonne, feels like I am missing P more than ever. I keep going over things he said (while he could still speak) and things I could or should have done. I don`t want to cry out of self-pity but because I really miss him.
xx
Yes exactly see little things and think of him all the time, people say it gets easier, just feel so sad xxxx
I am so sorry. I did not lose a husband to PSP but I lost my 55 year old son. We were very close and he lived only 10 minutes away. There is not a day that goes by that something does not occur in my day that I don't want to call him up and tell him.....because he "would get it". He died May 4, 2017.
Because my son died in May of 2017, I have had some time to grieve, to process, and to mourn his death. At the beginning it was unbearable, but with time it has gotten easier. I know I will always miss my son, but I know that each month will bring greater acceptance, a bit more joy, and gratefulness that for 55 years I had MY son in my life. I know because I have noted the healing that is occurring within me.
I know right now because of your pain my words are meaningless to you, but I have faith that sometime in the future, each day will grow easier, and that the acute pain will slowly be replaced by happiness over memories that the two of you shared.
Los Angeles, CA, USA
Your words do help. I am just going to have to trust you that in time the pain will become bearable. Thanks.
Over time good pleasant memories will help dull the grief you are feeling now. It may be helpful to talk to someone about it, family , clergy, etc. If you had hospice involved most of them have staff to try and help.
Ron
I understand how you are feeling. I lost my husband of 57 years on December 22nd from this horrible disease and it is so hard for me to go on. Fortunately my children have been very present and helpful. My social worker has also been helping me grieving coming to see me. I hope you can get the help you need. I also live in Canada (Ontario) and help is available through the CCAC. I wish you well.
Suzanne
So sorry you are going through this heartrending grief!
I am thinking of you so much and I know exactly what you mean. I am finding that doing all the paperwork etc and keeping busy is a help. But I also know that business will end eventually so I am trying to plan other things and particularly things we would have done together. I have been doing my running and I have posted a picture of that parkrun I said I would do yesterday. I am also thinking of planning to do a few craft projects including making some big picture frames of photos and I might do some sewing etc. I am also going to Everest Base Camp in April it’s someti have had planned for a long time but was going to pull out however Steve was adamant that I should go so I am going to and I will need to work at my fitness now in preparation so I will be joining back up with the gym and trying to get rid of all the excess weight I gained eating muffins etc during all the months Steve was in hospital. I know some of these suggestions are a bit extreme but I think it’s good to find some big projects to focus on. But it is really hard and I wake up every morning between 3am and 5am and can’t go back to sleep and that’s when the grief really hits.
I thinking of you and sending lots of love
Love Sarahxxx
You are an inspiration to me (though I have no plans to climb Everest!). I got out of the house for a bit yesterday and will do so again today. I expect it will be a bit easier when I go back to work next week. Right now, though, I can't bear to do things we would have done together. But I am giving my house a good going over. Funny, I could not get rid of the medical equipment fast enough, and some things are easy to give away, but there are certain drawers of his that I cannot bring myself to open yet.
I was on a bus yesterday when it flashed through my mind that I am now a widow at 55. I hadn't connected myself with that word until that moment and it was a fresh shock. I am wearing sunglasses a lot to hide the puffy eyes.
Well, please keep us posted as you go through the healing process.
I can relate to all of that, I couldn’t get the medical stuff out fast enough but still haven’t managed to get the wheel chair collected. I too feel strange being a widow at 53, it’s a shame we don’t live near each other as we could get each other through this. I too can’t go through certain drawers but other stuff is easy to deal with and it’s really odd stuff that I can’t do like his spare tracheostomy tube and the little brush to clean it! You are very brave going back to work so soon, I am not looking at returning until the end of Jan but I do miss the companionship of work but at the moment am just too exhausted to teach a maths lesson! I also have the urge to clean and tidy my house it’s almost like a reverse of the nesting instinct when my children were born. Grief does some weird stuff to our heads. But we will get through this we are both too young not too!
Love Sarahxx
It is a shame we don't live close, but you are helping me tremendously. My first pen pal in decades! And I am sitting here chatting with you over my morning hot chocolate.
A little while ago I was answering someones kind reply and it prompted me to post a question. Is there a purpose to all this grief, Sarah? Should I be learning something from it? I think I can bear it if I know there is a reason for so much suffering (his and mine). I guess it is because you lost your Steve shortly before I lost my sweetheart, but I feel as though we are grieving together, though differently.
Thank you f;or helping me through this painful process.
I have no idea if there is reason for all of this, I felt very angry that this happened to Steve as he was such a wonderful person but my anger left me a few months ago and I just focused on being as positive as I could be as I knew that was what Steve wanted. I think I have learnt that Steve was a much better person than me as he never complained about his illness and he never lost his sense of humour. I know that he was really worried about me and the fact he was no longer looking after me so that made me strong as I didn’t want to add to his worries. I think that keeps me strong now as I know he would be desperately sad if he thought I wasn’t coping and I want to make him proud not sad. So I suppose yes there is a reason or lesson somewhere in all of that!
Enjoy your hot chocolate, that was Steve’s favourite drink! I am just waiting for one of his brothers to arrive but do stay in touch and I like the idea of being pen pals.
Love Sarahxx
Hi, I totally understand how you are feeling. This is the hardest thing I have had to cope with.
My husband left me in November 2017 and I still feel the rawness of his loss.
Try to look after yourself and don't beat yourself up as you are not alone and every single person in this forum will understand your feelings.
Sending hugs and love to you
Pat x
No one is ready for deeply felt grief. It’s a surprise when it happens. Knowing he was going to die and dealing with his decline is different from him being gone. It will take time for it to not hurt so much.
I guess there are no shortcuts. Time goes by so slowly and I just want to get to the part where the pain has dulled a bit. Maybe there is something we are supposed to learn when we are going through this? I will try to concentrate on that. If there is a purpose to all this pain than I can bear it.
I lost a close friend 24 years ago. I sat with him for the last 8 hours of his life. I knew I would miss him I had no idea how much I would until he died. I read somewhere true grief takes 7 years to get over. At the end of 7 years the raw pain of his loss was gone but I have never stopped missing him.
I don’t know if you are open to grief counseling. I didn’t do any. In hindsight it might have helped me.
Should I outlive Larry, when I feel up to it, I may give counseling a try.
Yes it is absolutely much much harder than I could ever imagine. We understand and support you. So many don’t understand, even our families. Just take it slow. I still can’t really do much but I try. It’s been six months and like you, it’s gett harder. But keep going and keep posting. It helps us and you.
Cuttercat
There's nothing wrong with the way feeling/thinking. You're first loved to say what you're thinking... and you certainly won't be the last.
Tim x
Greely, I agree with all that's been said:
1) there are no shortcuts to grief;
2) the pain is a reflection of the depth of your bond - the bond is "good" it supports and creates life, therefore to lose the bond must be a negative experience so we will "keep the bond"i.e. keep the human race going (when we have a choice!)
3) No-one is ever prepared for the pain of this loss, as we've only intellectualized death before and haven't experienced it as intimately as we do with the death of a partner
4) Everything I've read and my own experience (hubby passed July/18) tells me that it is completely common to question the will to "carry on" - that one may not be depressed or suicidal and may indeed be actively against such action, but still questions what the point is of carrying on. This will pass;
5) There are different levels of shock - and it will take a while for that feeling to pass
6) Don't criticize yourself for any feelings - they are yours: own them and deal with them in your own good time. You have suffered a huge loss: most likely the biggest of your life, so cut yourself lots of slack, find ways to treat and take care of yourself and congratulate yourself for getting through every day!
Big Hugs....lots of us here have been or still are, where you are. You are not alone XXX
Anne G,
Thank you for the advice, and I am sorry for your loss.
Losing interest.
Tube feeding, choking or deep sedation/euthanasia? Your thoughts would help so much, we are quite lost about dad's late PSP stage. 
